Various.

Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, July 12, 1890 online

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and in the cadenced measures of a musical voice, that the dignified
traditions of an ├Žsthetic purity, repellent to the thin, colourless
lips of impotence, reside and make their home. But - [Breaks off,
and lights a cigarette.

_G._ (_lighting a cigarette_). Is that really so?

_E._ Yea, even as LUCIAN - [Short notes, to be afterwards filled
out: - Throw in Hector, the Myrmidons, COLERIDGE, RUSKIN, OHNET, LEWIS
MORRIS, ARISTOTLE, LIONARDO, St. Anne, Juno, Mr. HOWELLS, LONGINUS,
FRONTO, LESSING, Narcissus. Stir up with SHAKSPEARE and MILTON. Add
CICERO and BALZAC]

_G._ ERBERT, ERBERT, how learned you are, and how lovely! But I am
weary, and must away.

[He moves off. ERBERT attempts to detain him. In the end they
quarrel. ERBEBT breaks the banjo over GILNEST'S head.

_E._ You are a horrid pig, and I don't like you at all!

(Not to be continued.)

* * * * *

JAMES'S HAIR APPARENT. - Everyone recognises ex-President JAMES, author
of the Whistlerian book on _The Gentle Art of Making Enemies_, by his
distinguished white lock just over his forehead. No one dare call this
"a white feather," as he has never shown it. Some people looked upon
it as caused by JAMES'S powder. This is not so. It may be correctly
described as an illustration of "Locke on the Understanding."

* * * * *

ELECTROPHONOSCOPIC CHAT.

(_A LITTLE OF IT, PICKED UP AT THE OFFICE._ A.D. 1900.)

There must surely be some mistake. Here, what's this? This old
toothless hag, without her wig, is unknown to me! And why does she
address me as "ARCHIBALD"? I was expecting to see my beloved ARAMINTA.

Excuse me, but I think we have been wrongly switched on. From your
description you seem to be having the interview I was expecting with
my dear good Grandmother. While this charming young Lady - But perhaps
you would like to see for yourself?

A thousand thanks! It is my own ARAMINTA! Pray let us change places,
and allow me to resign you your good Grandmother at once.

Ha! why does that poor Gentleman turn faint and stagger towards the
door in search of a little air? Let us ask the Postmistress.

She says he has just concluded a terrible interview with his Wife's
mother. But see, he has recovered himself and struck an attitude of
defiance. That at least, at the other end, will impress her.

See how that Stockbroker is leaping with delight! And no wonder. He
has just been electrophonoscopically attending the "Illinois Central"
half-yearly meeting at New York, and, having speculated for the rise,
finds that he has made a pot of money.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 30_. - Wanting to know about Heligoland
in the Lords. ROSEBERY inquires especially how population like the
change?

"Oh, that's all right," said the MARKISS; "if there's one thing
the Heligolanders have been pining for since date of their birth,
it is for union with Germany. If we'd only been generous, we ought
to have gratified their desire long ago. I don't wish to touch on
controversial matters, but I must say if the Government, of which
my noble friend was an ornament, had, when in office, only ceded
Heligoland to Germany, they would have deserved well of their country,
and might have been assured of the enthusiastic support of noble Lords
on this side of the House, and of the Party of which my nephew is
a Leader in another place. It is impossible for me, without making
your Lordships late for dinner, a crime from which I trust to hold
my conscience free, fully to set forth the universal advantage that
arises from this stroke of policy. It pleases everybody, especially
the Heligolanders."

ROSEBERY persistent; wants to know what means were taken to obtain
the opinion of the population, and elicit this paean of joy?

"Oh!" said the MARKISS, "obviously, they are documents of a
confidential nature."

[Illustration: The Exile from Erin. (Just arrived in Holyhead.)]

"Confidential with the population?" asks GRANVILLE, in softest tones,
with bewitching smile, and most deferential manner. For once the
MARKISS has no retort ready. Lords sit silent for moment, awaiting
answer; none forthcoming; LORD CHANCELLOR, with great presence of
mind, proposes "that this House do now adjourn." Agreed to, and Lords
go forth, each seeing in his mind's eye the MARKISS in confidential
communication with the population of Heligoland, laboriously and
conscientiously ascertaining their views, individual and aggregate,
on question of transfer.

"The MARKISS is quite right," said ASHBOURNE, looking in from his
honourable exile in Dublin; "you can't, I know, frame an indictment
against a nation. But you can certainly enter into confidential
communication with a population. Capital copyhead it would make
for OLD MORALITY: _Confidential Communications Corrupt Good
Heligolanders_."

_Business done_. - In the Commons, spurt to start with; four Bills
advanced a stage; then House floundered in Western Australia.

_Tuesday_. - "Wish you'd get yourself made a Peer, TOBY," said DENMAN,
gloomily. "Not difficult, I understand; BRABOURNE will tell you how
it's done; unlike the Poet, a Peer is either born or made; AYLESBURY,
for example, was born; BRABOURNE was made. As you weren't born,
you must be made. Baron BOUVERIE-STREET would look very well in the
Peerage. You've only to ask (BRABOURNE knows); keep on asking, and in
meantime make yourself disagreeable in the Commons, and the thing is
done."

Very much obliged to DENMAN; quite kind of him to take this interest
in me; but why so anxious on the point?

"I'll tell you frankly, TOBY. I want to create a Party here, and
you'd do admirably to begin with. A Statesman, however capable, no
use without a Party. You know that very well in the Commons. Everybody
there has a Party. I am all by myself here, and the MARKISS and the
rest put upon me. Now if I had a Party - "

"HANS BREITMANN had one, you know," I say, liking to humour DENMAN,
who is evidently in low spirits.

[Illustration: A Hot 'Un for the City.]

"Had he? Where did he sit for? Never heard of him; however, as I was
saying, if I had a Party I should make the MARKISS sit up."

In the meantime, I gather they have been making DENMAN sit down.
Debate on about Sheriff's Assizes Expenses Bill. DENMAN had something
useful to say. Approached table; ESHER got up at same moment. Peers
impatiently called for ESHER; DENMAN ignored petty insult; commenced
his speech; sentences drowned in hubbub; ESHER resumed seat; MARKISS
approached table; DENMAN drew himself up to full height, and glared
on MARKISS. Knew of old his jealousy of him; stops at no means of
gratifying it; now moves, "That Lord ESHER be heard." LORD CHANCELLOR,
that minion of the majority, promptly puts question, and declares it
carried. For a moment DENMAN stands irresolutely at table, looking
round. Suppose he were to lightly skip on to table, and, standing
there, defy them all? Suppose he were to lower his head, and run
a-butt at the stomach of the LORD CHANCELLOR? What delight to topple
him over - to see his heels rise in the air, and disappear with rest of
his body at other side of Woolsack! DENMAN laughed to think he should
see such fun. Content for the present with contemplation of it, and
so resumed seat. "But I'll form a Party," said he; "have my own Whips,
and shake this effete Government to its foundation."

_Business done_. - In Commons: a dull night, lighted up by luminous
speech from RATHBONE on Government of Western Australia.

_Wednesday_. - House hard at work all afternoon on Directors' Liability
Bill. WARMINGTON in charge of measure; intends to make it warm for
Guinea-pigs. ROPER LETHBRIDGE, DIXON HARTLAND, JAMES MACLEAN, and
KIMBER, Q.C., protest at length. ROBERT FOWLER, Bart., breaks into
lava flood of burning eloquence. If the Bill is carried, what is to
become of the City?

"You may," he moans, "write on the front of the Bill, '_Delendum est
Londinium_,' um? um?" He, for one, will have no responsibility in the
matter; and so, tucking his hands under his coat-tails, he strides
forth, to vote against Third Reading of Bill. All in vain; Third
Reading carried by 224 votes against 50.

[Illustration: SCENE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, FRIDAY EVENING, JULY 4.

Oh, what a surprise! One lovely Black Rod interrupts the G.O.M.
speaking, - and meets with a warm reception.]

_Monday, July 7_. - Opposition in high feather to-night. DUNCAN fresh
from great triumph at Barrow, come to take his seat. Liberals and
Irish Members crowd round him as he sits below Gallery waiting signal
to advance.

"Then DUNCAN is _not_ in his grave?" said MACBETH - I mean MACLURE.

Evidently not. Here in the flesh and high spirits. Everybody dropping
into poetry all round. WADDY, who was down at Barrow, gives lengthy
account of the contest, "And," he says -

"to conclude,
The victory fell on us."

_Duncan_. "Great happiness!
No more the CAINE of Cawdor shall deceive
Our bosom interest. Go, pronounce his present death."

(Turning to PULESTON, who always comes to shake hands with New Member.)

"Dismayed not this
Your Captains, MACSMITH and BALFOUR?"

PULESTON admitted that they were a little hipped; rather thought "that
most disloyal traitor, the CAINE of Cawdor," having "began the dismal
conflict," would get the worst of it; but didn't expect that Liberal
would be returned. "But it's of no consequence," added Sir TOOTS; "you
must come and dine with me."

[Illustration: The Caine of Cawdor.]

DUNCAN rather broke down as he advanced to table amid thunderous
cheers from Opposition. Privately explained matter to SPEAKER when he
shook hands with him.

_Duncan_. "My plenteous joys.
Wanton in fulness, seek to hide themselves
In drops of sorrow."

"Oh, you must cheer up," said the SPEAKER, who always has a pleasant
word for everybody; "perhaps you won't get in again."

_Business done_. - Irish Constabulary Vote in Committee of Supply;
opening of cheerful week for Prince ARTHUR.

* * * * *

"COMING IN THEIR THOUSANDS."

[Illustration]

The announcement that a Thousand Nurses would be received at
Marlborough House last Saturday, naturally attracted a large number of
the Guards and Household troops, who were off duty, to the vicinity
of St. James's Park and Pall Mall. The excitement among the military
somewhat abated when it was ascertained that the Prince and Princess
were receiving the "first working subscribers" to the National Pension
Fund for Nurses. The Prince made one of his best speeches, and the
Princess smiled her best smiles. The Comptroller of the Weather for
the Royal Household had given special orders for sunshine, or a good
imitation of it from one till three, so umbrellas were not needed;
thus symbolically showing that the day of "Gamps" was over, and
that a new era of superior nursing was now an established fact. If
such a state of affairs had continued as was portrayed in _Martin
Chuzzlewit_, their Royal Highnesses might have been receiving the last
thousand _Sarah Gamps_ and _Betsy Prigs_, and addressing them in a
very different strain.

* * * * *

DRAMATIC NOTES. - ALEXANDER the Grateful, in returning thanks for
the toast of "the Avenue Piece," observed that "he objected to this
phrase, as he did not mean to 'av a new piece for a long time, the
present Bill being good enough." This cast a gloom over the assembly,
which then quietly dispersed.

Mr. IRVING, disguised as _Louis the Eleventh_ (the last of the great
French cricketers), is at the Grand, in celestial Islington, where the
Angel is. These angelic visits are few and far between.

We (who's "we"?) hear a favourable report of _Sowing and Reaping_ at
the Criterion, - a play that might have been only "sow sow," if it had
not been for the reaping good performance of CHARLES the Reaper.

* * * * *

CRY FOR EXTREMELY INTEMPERATE TEMPERANCE PARTY. - "Liberty but no
Licence!"

* * * * *

OUR ADVERTISERS. - THEIR LATEST BOON.

SELL UNIVERSALIS is a startling, electrifying, flesh-forming,
paralysing, stupifying, and sparkling Intoxicant.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS may be taken freely in tons with perfect impunity
alike by the Elephant and the Infant.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS, administered instantly in a teaspoon, will sober a
drunken Crocodile or steady a tottering Policeman.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS is a wonderful food-supplier, one dose containing
the active principle of a ten-and-sixpenny Criterion Dinner.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS. - Professor SLOTTER, B.J.W.K.R.S., &c., Public
Analyst to the Midland Patents Puffing Association, writes: - "I have
made a careful analysis of several sealed bottles of this unique
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saying that its claim to contain in every single teaspoonful 'all the
active principle of two bottles of "'36" champagne, five pounds of
pork chops, a pint of train oil, a tinned lobster, a pot of bears'
grease, and 73 per cent. of the best boot-blacking and dog-biscuit,'
is substantially correct. I have not as yet prescribed it for any of
my own patients, but, if I find my practice inconveniently extended,
I shall probably do so."

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS instantly cures lumbago, toothache, hay-fever,
nettlerash, staggers, elephantiasis, and many other ordinary nursery
disorders.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS. - "A TRUSTFUL COUNTRY CLERGYMAN" writes: - "I have
often had one leg in the grave, on the occasions on which I have
been subject to successive attacks of lumbago, toothache, hay-fever,
nettlerash, staggers, elephantiasis, and many other ordinary nursery
disorders, but I have always found that, by having recourse to a
bottle of SELL UNIVERSALIS, I have been enabled slowly to draw it
out again; at least, I fancy so."

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS, if taken "injudiciously," and administered with
judgment, will kill the aged, and remove the youthful.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS. - "A CIRCUMSPECT SOLICITOR WITH AN EYE TO THE
MAIN CHANCE," writes: - "Having had seven aged uncles and an infant
nephew who stood between me and the enjoyment of a trifling annuity,
I presented them all last Christmas with a bottle of the 'SELL,'
coupling the gift with the playful injunction that 'the faster they
got through it the longer they would live.' By the 10th of January I
had buried the whole eight of them. You are quite welcome to make what
use you can of this; but, for obvious reasons, I suppress my name and
address."

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS is a wonderful Brain and Nerve Tonic, entirely
revivifying the shattered powers of the disheartened and over-taxed
literary man.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS. - "A COMING SHAKSPEARE" writes: - "For years I
have been writing Christmas Pantomimes, till, never meeting with
any Management willing to produce them, I found at length I had
seven-and-thirty by me waiting production. I then took several bottles
of your SELL UNIVERSALIS, which must have cleared my head, for I wrote
a comic Interlude for the Clown and Ringmaster of a Provincial Circus
that was immediately accepted; and though I have not yet been paid for
it, and, owing to the fact that the travelling company, being always
on the move, is continually changing its address, very probably never
shall be, still, as I am told 'it goes with a roar' every night, I
cannot but conclude that the SELL UNIVERSALIS has restored in a marked
degree my shattered mental powers."

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS, if rubbed into the head will, in twenty-four hours,
entirely remove every vestige of the most luxuriant crop of hair.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS, swallowed for another twenty-four hours, will bring
nearly all of it on again.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS may be tried on the invalid Canary.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS may be relied on as a _thoroughly effective Furniture
Revivifier_.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS affords a refreshing beverage in the last stages of
Delirium Tremens.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS will in all probability give a lustre to the
fire-irons.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS might be counted on to ensure a superior boot polish.

* * * * *

SELL UNIVERSALIS, failing everything else, may be confidently
administered in handsome doses to the baby.

* * * * *

NOTICE - Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.



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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, July 12, 1890 → online text (page 3 of 3)