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VOL. 102

MAY 7, 1892


[Illustration: Our 'Arry Laureate.]

DEAR CHARLIE, - Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April
we've 'ad,
Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers
feel mad.
Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a
In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer

When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or
fact'ry, or shop,
The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the
But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is
in train,
It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain.

It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z.
Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the
But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and
no kid.
If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and
_no_ quid!

'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing - on wheels;
For I've took to the bicycle, yus, - and can show a good many my
You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of
straight road,
And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm

Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo
is rot.
Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry
But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and
As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a

Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth,
I've no doubt
That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning
Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_
wheeling's 'ard work,
And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did

_I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered
out, and a 'ump,
Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off
their chump.
You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big
silver mug.
No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug.

Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form.
And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World
by storm,
Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is
Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it
certn'y won't soot.

But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly
emagine 'ow much,
If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some
dawdling old Dutch.
Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering
old sort
As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes
a'rf the sport!

'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust,
Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering
I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose,
As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much

Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't
stand, s'elp my bob;
But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair
on the job.
So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall
Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as
yer please."

They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain,
Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with
Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges
live there,
And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_

When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit
o' lip,
With a big D or two - for the ladies - and wosn't they soon on the
'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair
feel my feet;
If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a

I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer
much risk,
And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk;
And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime
And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly
the gals.

No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman
form, and sech muck.
I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to
A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going
like one;
But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and
spile all the fun.

The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep
spouting it still;
But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin'
down 'ill?
Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls,
women's shrieks, and men's swears!
Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting

Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on
the trot,
May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a
Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as
Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my
squeak, or my 'owl?

My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill
old macaw,
Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in
the jaw,
And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my
When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a

I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy.
'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus, - a boon
and a joy!
Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me
When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row
and the dust!

We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town;
Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it
And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the
And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the
thing squeal.

My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed,
And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I
paint the town red?
They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for
Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor, - you

There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the
_Times_ about hus.
They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all
fidgets and fuss.
I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a
_I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes
a remark.

If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable
Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's
Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a
mite shy;
It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie.

We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus - BUGGINS and
All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on
a 'orse.
Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a
rouser, in course.

'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable
That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos
pertikler yum-yum;
We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he
And - would you believe it, old pal? - went for BUGGINS, and give
'im wot for!!!

Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech
a hact!
Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as
ain't got no tact.
We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're
once on your wheel -
Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink
but squeal.

That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to
think a fine sport
And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of
that sort.
All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney
to carry,
As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf


* * * * *

[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.

Lady Clara Robinson (née Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS


* * * * *




["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
sonnets on the South-Eastern." - Mr. Barry Pain, "In the

Earth has not anything to show less fair:
Patient were he of soul who could pass by
A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry
Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,
Without one single, solitary swear.
The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,
The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye),
The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;
Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,
Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill;
The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!
The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.
Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,
That the long humbugged Public stands it still?

* * * * *

REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT. - A good combination of names is to be found in
an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly,
on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr.
A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made
Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give
credit? _Solvitur ambulando_ - that is, Walk in, and you'll find out.
It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who
is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted
companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard

* * * * *



To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage,
Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant;
And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;
And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"!
O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,
Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams?

* * * * *


SCENE - Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in
attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive
sort of way. Audience small but determined.

_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance?

_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is
surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has
not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet.

_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with
the trial. Admit the accused.

[_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with
a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._

_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat.

_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured
by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State
apartments that have been recently supplied to you.

_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know
it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses.
(_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my
friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into
prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly.

_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you!

_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not!

_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want
any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret
having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive
me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by
blowing everybody up.

_The Court generally._ Yes, yes!

_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where
are they?

_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir, - very pleased to
see you, Sir, - hope you are well, Sir?

_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I
Guilty or Not Guilty?

_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over,
Sir - if you don't mind, Sir.

_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the
greatest possible interest in your proceedings.

_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had
anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house
and home if we harm you.

_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely
the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the
guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury.

_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit.

_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to
make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty?

_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure.

_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray
accept my distinguished consideration.

_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to
breakfast with what appetite ye may!

_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands
in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy!

_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested!
Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol!

_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were,
doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row
of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating

_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It
was I who paid for the dynamite - not they. (_Preparing to leave the
Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends!

_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us - we kneel
to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the
direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We
all have Mothers!

_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew
not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and
the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._

* * * * *

[Illustration: HESITATION.

Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS

* * * * *


[Illustration: No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, privately
practicing production of glass bowl full of water from nowhere in
particular; a subject not unnaturally associated with the name of
Waterhouse, A.]

[Illustration: No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the
Iron's hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a hit
immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, A. (and "A. 1,"
adds _Mr. P._), prepare to receive congratulations!]

[Illustration: No. 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow
shower-bath? by G.F. Watts, R.A.]

No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be
called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent
tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and
taking the mixture as before.

No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A.

No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black
Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls
himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror.

No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early
intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails
b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.

No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of
course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent
Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him.

No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh
dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM.

No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._"

No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed
bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK.

No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it
before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.

No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis
Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man.

No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._
"JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"

No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken
in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and
he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the
stream into the fresh milk pail.

[Illustration: No. 212. "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you
are, indeed! Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if the confounded
cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten to send my right gauntlet!" John
Pettie, R.A.]

[Illustration: No. 173. "A First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor,
Mr. Gommersal of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the author of the
Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The Battle of Waterloo' was
seated finishing the last Act. 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr.
G., triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the author, sharply.
'What!' exclaimed the astonished veteran, 'do you mean to say my
make-up for Napoleon isn't good! Well I'm - - ' 'You will be, if
you appear like that,' interrupted the author decisively," - Vide
_Widdicomb's History of the Battle of Waterloo at Astley's_. W.Q.
Orchardson, R.A.]

[Illustration: No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
Illustration. Interval during change of costume. "Behold these
graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.]

No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint
and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.

[Illustration: No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A wealth of
colour. The subject is this: - After an ample school-feast, the girls
sat drowsily under an orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled
by the appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy Jane," cried
Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt yer, 'ee only comes from the
Lowther Harkade." Sir Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.]

No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._" - _As You Like It._ But we
_don't_ like it - we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and
dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must
have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir
J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.

No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or
not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about
before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says

No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here,
Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep."

_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A.

[Illustration: No. 458. "Peas and War." Club Committee ordering
dinner. See corner figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r remonstrates
strongly, "What! not have peas? Nonsense!" That's how the row began,
and they "gave him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; which the
limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.]

No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._"
"She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many
dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and
early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand
is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._

No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to
the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A.

No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B. - _Mr. P._ always
delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of
JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is, - hung!]

No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at
the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right
place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.

No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very

No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal

No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY.

No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T.

No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he
appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A.

No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I
know that man, he comes from - Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES,

[Illustration: No. 699. "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not
caught yet. C.N. Henry.]

No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've
eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so - Oh! I feel
my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)."

[Illustration: No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B. - Your eye is sure to be caught by
this Hook. But the picture must be looked at from our point of view,
from the opposite side of the room.]]

No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one
can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad."

No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient
Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of
life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty).

No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in Æsthetic
Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.

No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B. - This ought to
have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.

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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, May 7, 1892 → online text (page 1 of 3)