s honourable than private men. The vir-
ues of great men, like thofe of plants, are
inherent in theraj whether they are eiierted
I



or not ; and the more ftrongly inherent, the
lefs they are exerted ; as a man is the more
rich, the lefs he fpends. All great minif-
ters, without either private or oeconomical
virtue, are virtuous by their pofts, liberal
and generous upon the public money, pro-
vident upon public fupplies, jull by paying
public intereft, courageous and magnanimous
by the fleets and armies, magniiicent upon
the public expences, and prudent by public
fuccefs. They have by their office a right
to a fhare of the public ftock of virtues;
befides, they are by prefcription imme-
morial inveftcd in all the celebrated virtues
of their predeceffors in the fame ftations,
efpecially thofe of their own anceftors.

As to what are commonly called the co-
lours of honourable and diihonourable, they
are various in different countries : in this,
they are blue, green, and red.

But, forafmuch as the duty we owe to tha
public doth often require that we ftiould put
fome things in a ftrong light, and throw a
Ihade over others, I ftiall explain the method
of turning a vicious man into a hero.

The firft and chief rule is the golden rule
of transformation; which confifts in con-
verting vices into their bordering virtues.
A m.an who is a fpendthrift, and will not
pay a juft debt, may have his injuftice tranf-
formed into liberality; cowardice may be
metamorphofed into prudence ; intemperance
into good-nature and good-fellowftiip ; cor-
ruption into patriotifm ; and lewdnefs into
tendernefs and facility.

The fecond is the rule of contraries. It
is certain the lefs a man is endued with any
virtue, the more need he has to have it
plentifully beftowed, efpecially thofe good
qualities of which the world generally be-
lieves he has none at all : for who will thank,
a man for giving him that which he has ?

The reverfe of thefe precepts will ferve
for fatire ; wherein we are ever to remark,
that whofo lofcth his place, or becomes out
of favour with the government, hath for-
feited his fhare in public praife and honour.
Therefore the truly public-fpirited writer
ought in duty to ftrip him whom the go-
vernment hath ftripped ; which is the real
poetical juftice of this age. For a full col-
leftion of topics. and epithets to be ufed in
the praife and difpraife of minifterial and
unminifterial perfons, I refer to our rheto-
rical cabinet; concluding with an earneft
exhortation to all my brethren, to obferve
the precepts here laid down ; the negled of
which has coft forae of them their ears, in a
piilory,

A Ri'cipe



222



ELEGANT EXTRACTS, Book IV.] ^



A Redpe to make an Epic Paem,



An epic poem, the critics agree, is the
greateft work human nature is capable of.
They have already laid down many mechani-
cal rules for compofitions of this fort, but
at the fame time they cut off almoft all un-
dertakers from the poffibility of ever pier-
forming them; for the lirft qualification
they unanimoufly require in a poet, is a
genius. I fhall here endeavour (for the
benefit of my countrymen) to make it mani-
feft, that epic poems may be made without a
genius, nay, without learning or much read-
ing. This muft neceffiirily be of great ufe
to all thofe who confefs they never read,
and of whom the world is convinced they
never learn. Moliere obferves of making a
dinner, than any man can do it with ?noney ;
and if a profefTed cook cannot do without it,
he has his art for nothing : the fame may be
faid of making a poem ; it is eafily brought
about by him that has a genius, but the Ikill
lies in doing it without one. In purfuance
of this end, I fliall prefent the reader with a
plain and fure recipe, by which any author
in the Bathos may be qualified for this grand
performance.

To ?nake an Epic Poem.

For the Fable. Take out of any old poem,
hiftory-book, romance, or legend (for in-
ftance, Geoffry of Monmouth, or Don Be-
lianis of Greece) thofe parts of ftory which
afford moft fcope for long defcriptions : put
thefe pieces together, and throw all the ad-
ventures you fancy into one tale. Then
take a hero, whom you may chufe for the
found of his name, and put him in the midft
of thefe adventures : there let him work for
twelve books ; at the end of which you may
take him out, ready prepared to conquer or
to marry ; it being necelTary that the con-
clufion of an epic poem be fortunate.

To make an Epijode. Take any remaining
adventure of your former colleftion, in
•which you could no way involve your hero ;
or any unfortunate accident that was too
good to be thrown away ; and it will be of
ufe, applied to any other perfon, who may
be loft and evaporate in the courfe of the
work, without the leaft damage to the com-
pofition.

For the Moral and Allegory. Thefe you
may extraft out of the fable afterwards, at
your leifure: be fure you ftrain them fuf-
ficiently.

For the Manners. For thofe of the hero,
take all the belt qualities you can find in the



moft celebrated 'heroes of antiquity: if they
will not be reduced to a confiftency, lay
them all on a heap upon him. But be fure
they are qualities which your patron would
be thought to have; and to prevent an)
raiftake which the world may be fubjeCl to, |l
feledl from the alphabet thofe capital letters |
that compofe his name, and fet them at the ^
head of a dedication or poem. However
do. not obfcrve the exad quantity of thel^-
virtues, it not being determined whether or [
no it be neceffary for the hero of a poem to \
be an honeft man. For the under-charaders, ,1
gather them from Homer and Virgil, and i
change the names as occafion ferves.

For the Machines. Take of deities, male :
and female, as many as you can ufe : fepa-
rate them into two equal parts, and keep
Jupiter in the middle; let Juno put him in
a ferment, and Venus mollify him. Re-
member on all occafions to make ufe of
volatile Mercury. If you have need of de-
vils, draw them out of Milton's Paradife,
and extrafl your fpirits from Taffo. The .
ufe of thefe machines is evident : fince no
epic poem can poifibly fubfift without them,
the wifeft way is to referve them for your
greateft neceflities. When you cannot ex-
tricate your hero by any human means, or
yourfelf by your own wit, feek relief from
heaven, and the gods will do your bufmefs
very readily. This is according to the di-
rcd prefcription of Horace, in his Art of
Poetry :

Nee deus interfit, nlfi dignus vindice nodus
Inciderit.—

That is to fay, " A poet fhould never call
*' upon the gods for their affiftance, but
** when he is in great perplexity."

For the Dejcrlptioits. For a tempeft..
Take Eurus, Zephyr, Aufter, and Boreas,
and caft them together in one verfe : add to
thefe of rain, lightning, and thunder (the
loudeft you can) quantum fujficit ; mix your
clouds and billows well together till they
foam, and thicken your defcription here
and there with a quickfand. Brew your
tempeft well in your head, before you fet it
a-blovving.

For a battle. Pick a large quantity of
images and defcriptions from Homer's Iliad,,
with a fpice or two of Virgil ; and if there
remain any overplus, you may lay them by
for a ficirmifti. Seafon it v/ell with fimiles,
and it will make an excellent battle.

For a burning town. If fuch a defcrip-
tion be necefiary (becaufe it is certain there
is one in Virgil) old Troy is ready burnt to

your



Book IV. NARRATIVES, DIALOGUES, &c.



your hands : but if you fear that would be
thought borrowed, a chapter or two of the
Theory of the Conflagration, well circum-
ftanced, and done into verfe, will be a good
'uccedaneum.

As for fimiiies and metaphors, they may

be found all over the creation ; the moit

gnoVant may gather them : but the danger is

in applying them. For this advife with

our bookfelkr. Pope^

§ 35'. The Duty of a Clerk,

No fooner was I elefled into my office,
but I laid af.de the powdered gallantries of
my youth, and became a new man. I con-
fidered myfelf as in forae wife of ecclefiaftical
dignity ; fince by wearing a band, wliich is

fo fmall part of the ornament of our clergy,
might not unworthily be deemed, as it
were, a Ihred of the linen veftment of
Aaron.

Thou may "ft conceive, O reader, with
(vhat concern I perceived the eyes of the
:ongregation fixed upon me, when I firft

<ook my place at the feet of the prieft.
iVhen I raifed the plalm, how did my voice
fuaver for fear! and when I arrayed the
joulders of the rainifter with the furplice,
WW did my joints tremble under me ! J faid
vithin myfelf, " Remember, Paul, thou
ftandeth before men of high worfliip ; the
wife Mr. Juftice Freeman, the grave Mr.
Juftice Tonfon, the good Lady Jones,
and the two virtuous gentlewomen bet-
daughters; nay, the great Sir Thomas
Truby, Knight and Baronet, and my
young mafter the Efquire, who fhall one
day be lord of this manor." Notwirh-
tanding which, it was my good hap to
.cquit myfelf to the good liking of the

«hoIe congregation ; but the Lord forbid I
ould glory therein.

* * * » *

I was determined to reform the manifold
orruptions and abufes which had crept into
he church.

Firft, I was efpeciallyfevere in whipping
brth dogs from the temple, all excepting
he lap-dog of the good widow Howard, a
bber dog which yelped not, nor was there
>ffence in his mouth.

Secondly, I did even proceed to morofe-
lefs, though fore againfl my heart, unto
)Oor babes, in tearing from them tlie half-
aten apples which they privily munched at
hurch. But verily it pitied me; for I re-
nember the days of my youth.

Thirdly, With the fweat of my own
iiands 1 did make plain and fmooth the dogs-
ars throughout our great Bible.



Fourthly, The pews and benches, which
were formerly fwcpt but once in three }'ears,
I caufed every Saturday to be fwept with a
befom, and trimmed.

Fifthly, and lallly, I caufed the furplice
to be neatly darned, walhed, and laid in
frefh lavendf-r (yea, and fometimes to be
fprinkled with rofe-water) ; and- 1 had great
laud and praife from all the neighbouring
clergy, forafmuch as no paxifli kept the mi-
nifter in cleaner linen.

* ;:• * * *

Shoes did I make (and, if intreated,
mend) with good approbation. Faces aifo
did I (have; and I clipped the hair. Chi-
rurgery alfo I pradtifed in the worming of
dogs ; but to bleed adventured I not, except
the poor. Upon this my two-fold profef-
fion, there palfed among men a merry tale,
deledable enough to be rehearfed : Ho\r
that, being overtaken with liquor one Satur-
day evening, I fhaved the prielt with Spanifh
blacking for (hoes inftead of a wafh-bail,
and with lamp-black powdered his perriwig.
But thefe were fayings of men delighting in
their own conceits more than in the truth:
for it is well known, that great was my care
and flcill in thefe my crafts; yea, I once
had the honour of trimming Sir Thomas
himfelf, without fetching blood. Further-
more, I was fought unto to geld the Lady
Frances her fpaniel, which was wont to go
alfray : he was called Toby, that is to {-^j,
Tobias. And, thirdly, I was entrufted
with a gorgeous pair of (hoes of the (aid
lady, to fet an heel-piece thereon; and I
received fuch praife therefore, that it was
faid all over the parifn, I fliould be recom-
mended unto the king to mend fhoes for his
majefty: whom God preferve! Amen.

Pope.

§ 2,6. Cruelty to /hivnah.
Montaigne thinks it fome refledion upon
human nature itlelf, that i&w people take
delight in feeing beafts carefs or play to-
gether, but almoil: every one is pieaicd to
lee them lacerate and worry one another. I
am forry this temper is become ahnoft a dif-
tinguilhing charafter of our own nation,
from the obfervation which is made by fo-
reigners of our beloved paftimes, bearbait-
ing, cock-fighting, and the like. We fhould
find it hard to vindicate the delfroyino- of
any thing that has life, merely out of wan-
tonnefs; yet in this principle our children
are bred up; and one of the lirft pleafures
we allow them, is the licence of infliding
pain upon poor animals ; almoft as foon as

we



224.



ELEGANT EXTRACTS,



Book iVi I f.



we are fenfible what life is ourfelves, we be of opini->n, tliat the agitation of thaC ;
make it our fport to take it from other crea* exercife, with the example and number of i
tures. I cannot but believe a very good ufe the chafers, not a little contributes to refift
might be made of the fancy which children thofe checks, which compaffion would na-
have for birds and infefts. Mr. Locke takes turally fuggeft in behalf of the animal pur-
notice of a mother who permitted them to fued. Nor fcall I fay, with Monfieur
her children, but rewarded or punilhed them Fleury, that this fport is a remain of the
as they treated them well or ill. This was Gothic barbarity ; but 1 muft animadvert
no other than entering them betimes into a upon a certain cuftom yet in ufe_ with us,
daily exercife of humanity, and improving and barbarous enough to be derived from
their very diverfion to a virtue. the Goths, or even the Scythians : I mean
I fancy, too, fome advantage might be that favage compliment our huntfmen pafs
taken of the common notion, that 'tis omi- upon ladies of quality, who are prefent at
nous or unlucky to deftroy fome forts of the death of a flag, when they put the knife
birds, as fwallows and martins. This opi- in their hands to cut the throat of a helplefs,
nion might poffibly arife from the confidence trembling, and weeping creature



thefe birds feem to put in us by building
under our roofs ; fo that this is a kind of
Tiolation of the laws of hofpitality to mur-
der them. As for Robin red-breafts in par-
ticular, it is not improbable they owe their
fecurity to the old ballad of " The children
in the wood." However it be, I don't
know, I fay, why this prejudice, well im-
proved and carried as far as it would go,
might not be made to conduce to the pre-
fervation of many innocent creatures, v/hich
are now expofed to all the wantonnefs of an
ignorant barbarity.

There are other animals that have the
misfortune, for no manner of reafon, to be
treated as common enemjes, wherever found.
The conceit that a cat has nine lives, has
coft at leaft nine lives in ten of the whole
race of them : fcarce a boy in the ftreets but
has in this point outdone Hercules himfelf,
who was famous for killing a monfter that
had but three lives. Whether the unac-
countable animofity againft this ufeful do-
meftic may be any caufe of the general per-
fecution of owls (who are a fort of feathered
cats) or whether it be only an unreafonable
pique the moderns have taken to a ferious
countenance, I fhall not determine : though
I am inclined to believe the former ; fmce I
©bferve the fole reafon alledged for the de-
ftruftion of frogs is becaufe they



Queftuque cruentus,
Atque imploranti limilis.-



But if our fports are deftrudive, our
gluttony is more fo, and in a more inhuman
manner. Lobfters roaRed alive, pigs whip-
ped to death, fowls fewed up, are teitimonies
of our outrageous luxury. Thofe who (as
Seneca expreffes it) divide their lives betwixt
an anxious confcience, and a naufeated
ftomach, have a juft reward of their glut-
tony in the difeafes it brings with it : for
human favages, like other wild beafts, find
fnares and poifon in the provifions of life,
and are allured by their appetite to their de-
Itruftion. I know nothing more fhocking,
or horrid, than the profped of one of their
kitchens covered with blood, and filled with,
the cries of the creatures expiring in tor-
tures. It gives one an image of a giant's
den in a romance, beil:rewed with the fcat-
tered heads and mangled limbs of thofe who
were llain by his cruelty, Po^e.



§ 37. Fajiaral Comedy.

I have not attempted any thing of a paf-
toral comedy, ^becaufe I think the tafte of
our age will not reiifh a poem of that fort.
People feek for what they call wit, on all
fubjefts, and in all places ; not confidering
are like that nature loves truth fo well, that it hardly
toads. Yet, amidft all the misfortunes of ever admits of flourifiiing. Conceit is to
thefe unfriended creatures, 'tis fome happi- nature what paint is to beauty ;_ it is not only
nefs that we have not yet taken a fancy to



eat them : for fhould our countrymen refine
-upon the French never fo little, 'tis not to
be conceived to what unheard-of torments,
owls, cats, and frogs may be j-et referved.

When we grow up to men, we have an-
other fucceffion of fanguinary fports ; in
particular, hunting. I dare not attack a
diverfion whicli has fuch authority and cuf-



needlefs, but impairs what it would im-
prove. There is a certain majefty in fimpli-
city, which is far above all the quaintnefs
of wit : infomuch that the critics have ex-
cluded wit from the loftiefl, poetry, as well
as the lovveft, and forbid it to the epic no
lefs than the paftoral. I fliould certainly
difpleafe all thofe who are charmed with
Guarini and Bonarelli, and imitate Taflb



torn to fupport it 5 but mull liAv'e leave to not only in the fimplicity of his thoughts.



buc



iJSooKlV-. KAk^AtiVES, DtALOGUES, &c.



but in that of the fable too. If furprifing
difcoveries ftiould hate place in the fiory of
a paftoral comedy, 1 believe it would be
more agreeable to probability to make therti
the effects of chance than of defign ; intrigue
not being very confiftent with that inno-
cence, vvhich ought to conftitute a (hep-
herd's charafter. There is nothing in all
the Aminta (as I remember) but happens by
mere accident ; unlefs it be the meeting of
Aminta with Sylvia at the fountain, which
is the contrivance of Daphne; and even that
is the moft fimple in the world : the con-
trary is obfervable in Paftor Fido, where.
Corifca is {o perfed a miftrefs of intrigue,
that the plot could not have been brought to
pafs without her. I am inclined to think
the paftoral comedy has another difadvan-
itage, as to the mann'ers : its general defign
"s to make us in love with the innocence of
I rural life, fo that to introduce Oiepherds
of a vicious charafter, muft in fome meafure
debafe it ; and hence it may come to pafsj
that even the virtuous charafters will not
Ihine fo much, for want of being oppofed. to
Sheir contraries. Fope.

Plutarch, relating how the Athenians
ere obliged to abandon Athens in the time
of Themiltocles, fteps back again out of the
way, of his hiftory, purely to defcribe the
lamentable cries and bowlings of the poof
dogs they left behind. He makes memion
of on^, that followed his mafter acrofs the
fea to Salamis, where he died, and was ho-
noured with a tomb by the Athenians, who
gave the name of The Dog's Grave to that
part of the ifland where he was buried. This
refpetl to a dog, in the moft polite people
in the world, is very obfervable. A modern
inftance of gratitude to a dog (though we
have but few fach) is, that the chief order
of Denmark (now injuriouily called the
order of the Elephant) was inftituted in me-
mory of the fidelity of a dog, named Wild-
brat, to one of their kings, who had been
deferted by his fubjeds : he gave his order
this motto, or to this effeft (which ftil! re-
ins) *' Wild-brat was faithful." Sir
William Trumbull has told me a ftory,
which he heard from one that was prefent :
King Charles I. being with fome of his
court during his troubles, a difcourfe arofe
what fort of dogs deferved pre-eminence,
and it being on all hands agreed to belong
either to the fpaniel or grey-hound, the
king gave his opinion on the part of the
jrey-nound, becaufe (faid he) it has all the



225

good-nature of the other without the fawn^
ing. A good piece of fatire upon his cour-
tiers, with M'hich I will conclude my dif-
courfe of dogs. Call me a cynic, or what
you pleafe, in revenge for all this imperti-
nencCj I will be contented ; provided you
will but believe me, when I fay a bold word
for a Chriftian, that, of all dogs, you will
find none niore faithful than. Yours, &c.

§ 39. LaJj Maty Worthy Montague.

The more I examine my own mind, the
more romantic I find myfelf. Methinks it
is a noble fpirit of contradidlion to fate and
fortune, not to give up thofe that are fnatched
from us : but to follow them the more, the
farther they are removed from the fenfe of
it. Sure, flattery never travelled fo far as
three thoufand miles ; it is now only for
truth» which overtakes all things, to reach
you at this diftance. 'Tis a generous piece
of popery, that purfues even thofe who are
to be eternally abfent into another world :
whether you think it right or wrong, you'll
own the very extravagance a fort of piety.
I can't be fatisfied with ftrewing flowers over
ycu, and barely honouring you as a thing
loft ; but muft confider you as a glorious
though remote being, and be fending ad-
di-eftes after you. You have carried awa/
fo much of me, that what remains is daily
languiftiing and dying over my acquaintance
here; and, I believe, in three or four
months more I ftiall think Aurat Bazar as
good a place as Covent-Garden. You may
imagine this is raillery ; but I am really {o
far gone, as to take pleafure in reveries of
this kind. Let them fay I am romantic ; ^o
is every one faid to be, that either admires
a fine thing, or does one. On my con- •
fcience, as the world goes, 'tis hardly worth
any body's while to do one for the honour
of it : glory, the only pay of generous
aftions, is now as ill paid as other juft
debts; and neither Mrs. Macfarland, for
immolating her lover, nor you, for con-
ftancy to your lord, muft ever hope to be
compared to Lucretia or Portia.

I write this in fome anger; for having,
fince you went, frequented thofe people
moft, who feemed moft in your favour, I
heard nothing that concerned you talked of
fo often, as tliat you went away in a black
full-bottomed wig ; which I did but affert
to be a bob, and was anfwered, '♦ Love is
blind." I am perfuaded your wig had
never fuffered this criticifm, but on tha
q fcore



226



ELEGANT EXTRACTS,



Book IV.



fcore of your bead, and the two eyes that with tears of joy, how he was charmed with
are in it. your agreeable manner of pronouncing the

Pray, wheri you write to me, talk of words Allah and Muhamed j and how ear-
yourfelf; there is nothing I fo much defire, neftly you joined with him in exhorting
to hear of : talk a great deal of yourfelf ; your friend to embrace that religion. But
that (he who j" always thought talked the I think his objeftion was a juft one; that it
beft, mav fpeak upon the beft fubjeft. The was attended with fome circumftances under
Ihrines and reliques you tell me of, no way which he could not properly reprefent his
engaue my curiofity"; I had ten times rather Britannic majefty.

go^on pilgrimage to fee one fuch face as Laftly, I Ihall hear how, the firft night
yours, than both St. John Baptift's heads, you lay at Pera, you had a vifion of Ma-
I wifli (fmce ydu are grown fo covetous of hornet's paradife, and happily awaked with-
p-olden things) you had not only all the fine out a foal ; from which bleffed moment the
Itatues you talk of, but even the golden beautiful body was left at full liberty to per-
image which Nebuchadnezzar fet up, pro- form all the agreeable fundions it was made
vided you were to travel no farther than you
could carry it.

The court of Vienna is very edifying.
The ladies, with refpeft to their hulbands,
feem to underftand that text literally, that
commands to bear one another's burdens :
but, 1 fancy, many a man there is like Ifla-
char, an afs between two burdens. I fhall
look upon you no more as a Chriftian, when
you pafs from that charitable court to the
land of jealoufy. I expeft to hear an exaft
account how, and at what places, you leave
one of the thirty-nine articles after another,
as you ai proach to the land of infidelity.
Pray how far are you got already ? Amidft



the pomp of a high mafs, and the ravilhing an account of what extraordinary company
thrills of a Sunday opera, what did you fhe had on the road ; which fmce flie cannot
think of the doftrine and difcipliiie of the do, I will



church of England ? Had you from yeur
heart a reverence for Sternhold and Hop-
kins ? How did your Chriftian virtues hold
cut in fo long a voyage ? You have, it
feems (without pafling the bounds of Chrif-
tendom) out-travelled the fm of fornication ;
in a little time you'll look upon fome others



.'ith more patience than the ladies here are all means accompany me thither.



capable of. I reckon, you'll time it fo well