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A very interesting and laughable farce.

Maxine Elliott's.— "Well Take That Up in a
Moment." A comedy of errors, with Joe Long as the

Park — "The College Widow Tipical" with Miss
Anne White as leading lady. Catchy, and though dry
the Star is redeeming

Playhouse. — "Mr. Long and Mr, Short." Slim Miles
.mil Shorty Qaarrier

Hippodrome.— "The Spanish Cavalier." Mr. Patrick
County Burton's feat of flinging the bull is certainly
commendable.

Winter Garden.— "The Colored Church." with Clovis
Moomaw as the Parson.

Wallace's. — Mr. Pup Clover. "Creen Socks." Loud.
hilariously laughable.

Thirty-Ninth Street— Bob Dow in "Mike's Depart-
ure." Pity, and "bull" galore

Republic. — "Oozing Along." a splendid grand opera
featuring Eddie Parks Davis.



In the last issue of College Life we published the
picture which appears on the opposite page and also
published the conditions of a prize contest for the most
appropriate name for the anonymous creature. Since
our last publication the contest has been settled ami the
prize awarded. We are republishing the picture and con-
ditions of the contest for the convenience of those who
missed the last issue.

The committee awarded the prize to Mr. A. Guess-
well. The winning title is: "A Damn Fool and Don't
Know It."

Thousands of titles were received for the picture,
some of which we are printing below. Samples of the
titles are: "A Sport." "A Dude," "Mamma's Darling."
"A Damn Pool Advertising." "The Delight of Multi-
tudes," "A Sap-Headed Squirt." "Just a Plain Common-
Place. F.very-Day Damn Fool." The last title received
favorable mention.




r^*^



COI^ELDY- FUN- KNOC
SWALLOW A EEATHER BE'







DUOLOOI5TS



"PICKLES IN ACADEM



Fp|NC£.SS ANisj£. i M



M3IPPY DIPLOWACY3
ADVOCATING ^

WOULD RUN WIL50N



,i\oc



YANKE1EL

Mature. f*ak£r



CONCLUDING WITH THE! ONE. ACT FARCE!



IN

HIS



^gooRT



,S~ SLAMS- PUNK PICTURES
\l ENTERING THAT YOU MAY LAUGH



^



it



■ttfL



TI?eC&l\(x Syndicate

COIAELDY- FUN- KNO
SWALLOW A FEATHER B



LtlFE




JOe'ocs^^m



L&BMW



DUOLOOI5T5

"PICKLES IN ACADCM"



FPIIMCE.SS Arvlr^JEL. IM
AF"TE.R-E>irvirN»e.i=^ -Ror«-ie.s>



ADVOCATING

WOULD RUN WILSON



JM »



TI?eCc\l\(x Sypdic^ie
COIAE.DY- FUN- K NO OIK S



CONCLUDING WITH THE ONE ACT FARCE.

i^iif his ''couKI



SWALLOW A FEATHER Bm



SLAMS-PUNK PICTURES
RE ENTERING THAT YOU MAY LAUGH




YANKEie
Hatore. Faker



n;



L I F E



College Life



1792 APRIL 1 i 1999

Published by

THE COLLEGE LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY

Lexington, Vii inia



N'o. 1



JEREMIAH JOKESMI I II



N\ I I kl£ always hangs out a sign of simplicity in
the face of a fool, and the Editor \\ . i^ as much
surprised when your gracious ' tily.r Board ap

pointed him ( i I ii chief, as < hai lie Qttai rii

wa> when he learned thai he could buy a live-dollar

i ej order for three cents Your Editor-in-l Inn oi

the i ii r.r Board must have mistaken the sign in the

luce -i the Editor Km fools, like fish, go in scl Is,

and a- birds oi a feather are found together, your
worthy Board has penalized me i<> address the dilatory,
and insane members "i "in- grand ami illus-
trious student bodj \s David Harem said: "There's
as much human nature in s >me fools as th' is in others,
ii not more." So mj readers can certainly feel thai
.vr arc w ith the majority

ROMULUS obtained the first citizen for Rome out
of a lunatic asylum; ami not since Lord Raleigh
first saw the invisible xrmada, ami Henry the
[•"irst died from eating palfreys nor indeed since
George Eliot left his wife and children to mourn
him- -has there been in tins University such a varied
collection of comedy, drama, farce and tragedy. As
\dam always had a" gentle reminder of Ins first N'ew
\ car's Eve, so we have but to look in from of us to
apprehend a representative of tins grand mixture of
student life

THIS is a dangerous year. When woman suffrage
ami Leap Year lock hands and come for us, there
is ii" use for the servant to announce that we arc
n,,t at home N'ot that we have anj objection to a
nffragette Mevi r ' I lie Editor does not, "like other
■an.' talk about his "wife" but the Lord knows he
could if he wanted to, Mi- wishes she were a
suffragette so that then- would be no fool questions
asked when be gets in late Woman suffrage would
be a great ileal belter than a "sewing circle." where
women meet but not to sew \ woman, queer as it
. i hi. has but two views of a secret: either it's not
worth keeping, or it's too good to keep, and an echo
is lb, onK thing that can Mini-flam her out of the last
word. \ suffragette can sa\ I'j hj the szveetest, and
hi docs not i. irgi i that expn ssii m i\ hen she ha - taken
i men insignificant man to care for, only the tone
is , hanged to Buy! buy!

AS this is Leap Year, beware of the "phoney" and
have a care for the "real" \n egg is not always
what it is cracked up to be, it i- pimpK an atone-
ment for the hen's scratching up the neighbor's yard
\ woman is not a heroine j list because mice every
four years she has the privilege of "dying for a man."
i .a i- -In an heiress simpl} because she puts ,,n airs.



\ y 1 manj of us students live within our allow-

ertainh crowded for space, but what
would we do if we should allow some woman, who
is thorough!} incapable of supporting us, decei
into assuming a board lull for life? 1 be little fairy
stories thai are now Once upon a time," would soon
"M\ love, 1 have been detained at the office
..cam n i night

MW'Y of you will aim at nothing and bit the mark
(in fact, there are a lot of freshmen whose
little blue caps arc held in place only by vacuum
pressure), yet man} will choose a profession law.
medicine or business and ma} some da} be as .yrcat
as you now think you are The Eagle said to Orville
\\ i ighl . In ii he vas tt ing In- first machine "Watch
me, this is the way you do it— it's the easiest thing in
the world!" 01 com-, n is, after you have learned
to do it. but to .yet a fall there must he "two hoards with
but a single nail, two feet that slip as one." Some ^\
ii- ;,,•,. nisi simpl} iynorantly ignorant, and are like the
oil fellow's prayer that Daddy Burks tells us about:
"Bless the people of \sia, aiid Spasia, and the land
where. hi the fool of man has never trod, and thou,
I I Lord ! know est not thereof !"

BUSINESS reminds one of climbing a pob to en
counter a web-footed gentleman from Arkansas
gleefully sliding down It is a struggle for money
or dough as it is usualh i ailed, pn >babl} bei
i- so necessary for our rlailv bread. But there's no
rsc. hoys, they are forming a $20,000,000 collar trust.
ami if the} succeed, you will all yet it in the neck

Bl I after all. the ice cold law. from which no
friction will excite sparks, is the hocus-pocus
game of life to play, for it smiles in your client's
face while you pick his pockets, and the glorious un-
certaint} of ii make it ol far more use to professors
than lb. justice ol it It can hardly be supposed that
there will ever be a time' when the scarcit} of lawyers
will greatly endanger the public safety (not so long as
Washington ami Lee holds her record). If you are
going to plai the came, tell the truth or trump — but
yet the trick But never state that you are clearly of
the opinion on a point of law : the most you can hope
et oi such a conundrum is the preponderance
of the doubl

FINALLY, lei me sa\ that whatever you do — loaf.
promote, or labor don't forget to use plenty of

clear water, river water yes, Green River watet

lake an abundance of exercise ami l'lctchcn/c Water
won't hurt am one. of course, if care is used not to
forget ami drink any of it; but. as Bill Nye says, "It
is this horrible suspense ami uncertainty about facing
tin nozzle oi a garden hose in the hands of a cmss-
eved woman that unnerves and paralyzes a man''

Before perpetrating this issue of College Life upon
the public conventionaliti demands that we conclude our
efforts with a brie 1 ' word ol advice f he able to
give advice on any ami all subjects is jusl as essential
to the success ..| an editor as th.' \er\ breath of life
itself lie must offer a remedy for any exigency that
might arise. It is bis moral dut} to advise on any sub-
n . i from running the government up to a sure cure for
corns So i .ur parting w< >rds to you are :

"il'htilr, ■ ■ '»ii "



LIFE



17



The Turkey Trot



L



tionized by the innovation of that terpsichorean
wriggle commonl] designated as the "Turkey
Trot." Once for all we would like to correct an er-
roneous impression which has gone abroad as to the
origin of this popular dance Some of our contempo-
raries contend that it is a creation of Mew York
society, and that it is an attempt at a compromise be-
tween tin- "Cubanola Glide" and the "Grizzly Bear."
However prevalent this theon may be, a recent in-
vestigation of the situation by one of the most eminent
archaeologists of the age reveals the following facts.
which will be of peculiar interest to local readers:

Several years ago, when Professor Noma- was the
leader of local option in the State of Virginia, he went
abroad to study the social conditions of other countries
lie spent four months in London ami other social
centers of England, after which he journeyed to gay
Paris, where he spent six months familiarizing himself
with the modes and customs of the Parisians. Xext
la- \isitcd Constantinople, where he spent the remain-
ing days of a two years' trip abroad. While here the
professor frequented tin- dance halls, ami thus ac-




TfRKEV TTCoT

quainted himself with the popular dances of the Turks,
often indulging himself in the ''Grizzly Hear" ami the
"Bunny Hug."

Upon his return to America. Professor Hogue set
about tn invent a folk dance for the natives of Lex-
ington, and to accomplish this feat he utilized tin-
numerous suggestions which he received in the Orient.
He severed his connection with Lexington society for
a time, and was immediately attracted by the social
customs of East Lexington. In this historic village,



which is characterized by the social proclivities of its
inhabitants, the professor organized a dancing class
with a view to the development of his preconceived
folk dance, and the membership of this class was
limited exclusively to East l.exinytonians. So the
next fifteen years were given to the development and
perfection of this dance of Oriental derivation, and.
that this great social achievement might not he with-
out a name, this want was supplied by resorting to
the memoiw of (hat race which furnished the final
suggestions for the invention, and the dance was
called the "Turkey Trot" in honor of the Turks.
About one year ago this charming dance was intro-
duced into Lexington society by Professor Hogue,
where it met with universal endorsement, and it has
since been pronounced by the leading connoisseurs of
the art as the greatest achievement since the initial
days of Salome From Lexington the dance was intro-
duced into the East, where the erroneous impression
as to its origin became widespread To the ardent
efforts of Professor Hogue is due the origin of the
"Turkej Trot," and tins fact should be a source of
pride to every reader of College Life.



Professor Holdtite's Dancing School

Class meets every Sunday night immediately after
prayer-meeting in Mc( rum's Building.

Professoi Holdtite comes to us after a sojourn of
fifteen years in the Orient, where he became familiar
with every aspect of the terpsichorean art He also took
a post-graduate course in Jacktown, after which he hail
three years of practical experience in East Lexington,
the social center of the universe. Certificates of gradu-
ation given for completion of courses in "The Turkey
Trot." "The Grizzly Bear," "The Bunny Hug," "The
Cubanola Glide," "The Kangaroo Clasp." "The Aero-
plane hip." Special courses offered in the two-
step and waltz.

Special attention paid to ladies over 40.

Terms dependent upon age and aptness of pupil

A certificate in one of my courses admits to any
society.

My prices are right. Try me.



^



l.s



L I F E




LIFE



19



Mike's Soliloquy



[With profound apologies to Shakespeare, Hamlc
nd all others whom it may concern.]

To go or not to go: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for the cause of learning
To stay in this historic ancient town,
Or to embark upon the ''cannon-ball"
En route for Tuscaloosa. To go; to leave;
Ah, mo ! Ami by this act to say I end
The feverish suspense and agitation
< If all Virginia: 'tis a great temptation.
Which overcomes me quite. To go, t' accept;
T' accept: perchance my dream (ay, that's the point
( )f fortune and of fame e'en larger than
I now possess in Alabama to be realized!
Vnd then the scads! there's the reason
That makes this Southern bid look good to me;
For he's a fool who bears the cost of living.
The butcher's insolence, the plumber's independenc
The grocer's plethoric bills, the numerous expenses
Xecessitated by his prominence
When he himself might add unto his assets
By a mere pen-stroke Who would tiieso worri

stand.
To curse and swear under his bated breath,

But that the dread of "nigger in the w Ipile"

(A figure, by the way. I sorely hate
To use in this connection ) addles the brain
And makes me almost turn the offer down
And stay put in my present worthy place
Thus indecision doth cause mental havoc
\nd thus my halting, half-formed resolution
Is mocked and leered at by the ghost of doubt
But, ye who, in that growing commonwealth
I lave put it up to me, I'll take the job
And hustle into action. (Enter delegation
Of citizens, headed by mayor). 1 la ! What now !
My worthy friends! In your kind thoughts of me
lie all mv faults forgotten.

VV. R. S.




ggf%



"Admitting all that y
stated a case."



A Demurrer

- to be



Toasts — To America

[.

To the United States of America, drink!
Stand up all around — let the glasses clink'
To the brightest star in the western sky;
To the land where I hope to live and die;
To Mother England's stalwart son;

To the land our fathers' hi 1 has won;

To the land of progress, plenty and peace;
To the land of hope and rich increase:
To the land of the sword and the land of the pen;
To the land of sturdy, honest men;
To the land that is free as the blessed air.
To the home of the fairest of the fair;
To the foremost child fnnn the womb of time-
To the land of the stars and stripes sublime

II
To the United States of America, drink!
To the land where virtue is on the blink'
To the land where the cost of living's high:
To the land of "dope" and of Vermont pie;
To the land of trusts and the home of graft:
To the land of the tariff and big Hill Taft :
To the land where murders never cease;
To the land of lynchings and Governor Blease ;
To the land of the gallows, the "chair." ami the "pen"
To the land of harlots and wicked men;
To the land where freedom is on the wane:
To the land whose god is selfish gain;
To the land that is marred by foulest crime;
To the land of "Beulah" ami social slime

W R Shields



Maid of Athens (Va.)

(Ok. The High Cost of Loving)

Byron's dead. we've heard il said:
We'd otherwise apologise.

Maid of "Athens", ere we flirt,

Change, oh, change that hobble skirt:

Or, since that is now in style.

Wear it then, hut list awhile :

I'll no longer be your beau:

I love you sweet— but lack the dough.

By that tempting, girdled waist.

By that form I've oft embraced,

By that voice whose dulcet tone

Thrilled me o'er the telephone;

By heaven above and earth below.

I love v on sweet — but lack the dough.

By those kisses I ha\ e quaffed ;
By those eves that made me daft.
K_v those , inkles trim and neat :
By those dainty, tripping feel :
By your alternate "yes" and "no"
[love you sweet— but lack the dough.

Maid of "Athens" I must flee :

When I'm absent think of me

Though I hike to Paris gay,

Send me post-cards every day;

Hear my reason ere I go :

I love vou sweet — but lack the dough.

W. Iv Shields.



20



L I F E




LIFE



21




22



L I F E




LIFE



■i:\



Dr-



ama



Ackerly & Sherertz in "Mud from Rockbridge"

( Patent Applied For)

( Illustrated)

S. {entering from right, looking bach): All right,

g , , n ,1 you; you'll know the difference when

milking time comes !

A. {entering from left): It's love that makes the
world go 'round !

S. Not always, for- -

\\ hen your heels hit hard and

Your head feels queer;
And your thoughts rise up

Like froth on beer;
When your knees grow weak.

And your voice grows strong;
And you laugh like (hid

At any old song —

You're drunk, old man, you're drunk!

Say. Hill, why do you wear your trousers that way?
You've got the nerve of Pup Glover!

A. You seem to lie flushed to-night ; yesterday even-
ing you never had a cent.

S. Yes. 1 taught Red Miles how to play poker last
night.

A. See here, at the V. P. I. game. I saw you coming
out of a bar-room.

S. That's right. 1 couldn't stay in there all the
time. Say. 1 want to ask you a question. Do you
know the difference between Roderick P.eddow anil a
mule?

V 1 don't believe 1 do.

S. 1 heartily agree with you.

A. Can you tell me when Miss Annie White and the
Hobson brothers came to Washington and Lee?

S. Well. I have just consulted the Common Law on
the subject, and since it runs hack to the time whereof
the memory of man runneth not to the contrary. I find
that they just antedated the Common Law a little.
Do you know Mike?

A. Mike who?

S. Mike Denny !

A. I know Dr. George Hutchinson Denny, LL D..
Ph. D.

S. F. F. V. and B. V. D.

A. He's Irish and they tel! me that the Irish are
great fighters !

S. Ob! I don't know. Me and Ccizlcman and Eddie-
Parks Davis came very near whipping one last night,
(lee! I'm hungry.

A. Come, let's go down to the Dutch Tea Room
and get a piece of pie.

S. Oh, no! I want no more of those Dutch Tea
Room Pies.

A. Why, man, the Dutch Tea Room baked pies before
\ mi were born.

S. Yes. I think I got hold of one of those pies.

A. Has Clovis Moomaw had his picture made for
The Calyx yet ?

S. Yes, and Mr. Miley told him to smile. He smiled.
and Mr. Miley said: "Not so much smile, Mr Moo-
maw, or you'll fog the plate!"

V Ain't that fellow Reuhring some football player?
S. Classy! He was first full-back, then half-back.

then broken-back, ami now he's trying to get that
quarter back that he lent Windy Gibson.



wise man once-



)id you know that Pats
irrespondence ?



His



, <■ you that black eye
physical wreck until



They tell me that Hard-luck Womble, from the
Cniversity of Pennsylvania, would like to pay up his
debts, but he's always broke.

V What's he going to do?

S. I don't know He says be can't think of anybodj
else to hit for a loan.

\ In Lexington there was

S Who was he?

A ( Itho Jackson

S. Yes. but be got married!
Miller is taking boxing lessons b;

A. How does he get bis practict

S. Licking stamps.

A. Are you acquainted with Iky Weinberg
wife is a great collector of curiosities

S. Was she collecting them when she married him?

A. Yes.

S. 1 thought so. Had you heard that Red Moore
is a physical wreck?

A. I thought you told me he ga

S. So he did. but he wasn't a
after he gave me that black eye.

V The doctors told Harry Moran that he had a large
cavity that needed filling.

S. Did he recommend any special course of study?

V What does Daddy Burk's cigars remind you of?
S lladen Holmes burning cabbage.

A. I see that "Hettie" Green is married now

S Oh. no! He gets that wearied look from dodging
work at school. Had you heard that it is necessary to
perform a very serious operation on "Cab" Peck?

A. No, what kind of operation?

S. Doctor said he'd have to cut out his booze.

A. I see your friend Jesse James Jackson is acting
rather curiously here lately Drunk?

S. No. love !

A. Arthur Fant tells me that at the Coronation in
England last Summer he paid $50 to see the King

S. Last night it cost Lockwood only half that much
to see three kings.

A. Does Sheep Shiles' mother know he's out'

S. Yes, but not how much !

A. How can you tell a W. L. U. man from a U. Va.



S. Well, a U. Va. man always act
the world:' a W. L. U. man acts as if
what son-of-a-gun owns the world. ;
he doesn't give a whoop-to-h !"

A. Ladies and Gentlemen, we will no
to blate that ballad entitled: "If a student n
should he pass on bis exam?"

What's the use of studying, it simply is a bore,

I think he's singing flat.
1 atin is just College Slang, of Creek I want no more

He's off bis key at that.
Working Math is nothing but a nuisan
From Elocution we would all be free.
\\ ho would want to spend a century to i

mon ami"?
Did from "Wie gebt's, mem Ilerr." deliver me!

Chorus.

What's the use of ever sleeping when there's things

to do instead.
What's the use of going home at night, and what's

the use of having any bed.
What's the use of dressing, then undressing from your

head to shoes.
Simply sleeping seems a crime, because you must get

up some time.
So what's the use. what's the use!

i Exeunt).



if he owned
loesn't know
furthermore.

iw endeavor
tudies.



ti'll agree,

'Ron jour,



24



LIFE




LIFE



25




Automatic Rule

"Why have they dropped me from the rolls?" inquired
Mr. Pool

"I've kicked you out, I've kicked you out," said Auto-
matic Rule.

"What makes you look so mean, so mean?" inquired
Mr. Pool. '

"I've bumped you good and hard, old cuss," said Auto-
matic rule.

For they're tirin" those who didn't pass, I hear the
thinkers wail :

They've got their walkin' papers an' they're lookin'
mighty pale ;

An' they're gonna tell their daddies a pathetic, hard-
luck tale,

All about their hasty exit in the mornin'

"What makes the day seem overcast?" said Mr. Sport-

in-School.
"Your sun is set. your sun is set," said Automatic

Rule.
'Now what's that scratchin' sound I hear?" said Mr.

Sport-in-School.
"It's 'John L.' rubbin' out your name." said Automatic

Rule.

For they're done with all the boozers, they are quit

of all the shirks,
And they're only advertisin' for the young recruit who

works,
Who always knows his lessons and goes regular to

kirks,
\nd who gets the earlv worm soon in the mornin'.



"What makes your heart so cold and hard?" inquired

Mr. Fool. "
"I'm sick of you, I'm sick of you," said Automatic

Rule.
"Why should you ship me thus in haste " inquired

Mr. Fool.
"I think it best, I think it best." said Automatic Rule.

1 hey are gettin' rid of loafers, they are weedin' out

the drones ;
Just hearken to their weepings and just listen to their

moans ;
They have no use for sluggards— they desire the man

who hones
At noon, at night, and early in the mornin'



Cynicisms

Whatever you be, be a big 'un.

If you can't pay the fiddler don't danc

Any two-faced sucker can say "yes,"
man in the true sense to say "no."



but it takes a



The silliest fool on earth is a two-by-four fraternity
man trying to let everybody know about it

Beware of the girl who is crazy about "frats "

Don't he guided by what other people think, for some
may think that you are a damn fool.



26



L I F K



'T




l' P . j I ; . 9



The SrssoiD



The Twenty-third Sissalm



Crazy Correspondence



\ Sti'dext's View



\ 1 ■. i -i



Tri hi



1 Sissj is my teacher; I shall not play football

1 He maketh me i" bone far mi., the night: lie

keepeth me from m\ downy couch.
.! Mr giveth me tist problems; In- maketh me observe

strange ruKs for liis system's sake

4. Yea, though I pass through the rest of my exams
with ease, I will make no physics for thou an after
me ; thj curve antl thy system thej flunk me.

5. Thou prepares! a quiz ha" me on the 'lay of a
football game; thou Idlest m\ hr.nl with system; my
work runneth over me

o Surelj physics and Sissoids shall follow me all
the days ol mj life and I will live in the fear ol Sissy
fi >re\ er.

Selah.



You can ride n horse to water,

I'.ut you rami'. I make him drink :
You can "ride" your little "pony,"
i . i tiii. ii make him think



After the institution of this department of our maga-
zine, as is usually the case, the firs! correspondence
came from a young lady in a note as follows:

"Mr. Editor Do you think it is right for a girl to sit
in a man's lap. even if she is i ngagi d

While this is a rather confidential question, still we
are under obligation to give n truthful answer If it


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Online LibraryWashington and Lee UniversityCalyx (Volume 1912) → online text (page 14 of 17)