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were .air girl and .air lap. yes If it were another
fellow's girl an. I our lap. yes Hut if it were our girl
and an. .tiler fellow's lap. never! never!! never' 1 !

A Freshman mailed us this:

"Please tell me. does a man running around a tree
.j... kef.. re or behind himself?"

That depends. If he is trying to catch himself, neces-
sarily he fell. .us himself, and consequently goes behind
If. .ai tin- contrary, he is running away from himself,
the deduction leads t.. the verj obvious conclusion that
he precedes himself, and consequently goes before It
he succeeds in catching up with himself, and passes
himself, at the moment .a passing lie neither precedes
himself nor follows himself, but both lie and himself
are running neck-and-neck This is the only case where
he docs n. .1 go before or behind himself.



LIFE



27




28



LIFE




LIFE



29




A Girl Wanted

Wanted— a girl

\\ itli beauty and grace,
Not very fast —

With a classical face.

By preference — a girl

\s oft as I call,
She'll furnish the carriage
To go to the ball.

Wanted — a girl.

Not fond of drnes.
And who without flirting

Pleasure derives.

Wanted — a girl

Who is honest enough
To let a man know

When she's "out on a bluff.



Wanted— a girl,

W ho, when asked for a dance.
Won't hold up five fingers.

With "Watch for your chance '

Wanted -a girl

Who dors not fee! hound

To push a ",/ / thing"

W hen it happens around

\ girl with one heart.

One mind and one face
A queen among women.

A peeress of grace.

It a girl like this

('an ever be found,
A favor you'll do me

If you will hrinu her around.



30



l i F E




LIFE





<t<l



&vgi



THERE'S A

EASON'



Sty? Hank-lfam Mv

PUBLISHED WEAKLY BY AND FOR THE STUDENTS



Spasm XXIII



WASHINGTON & LEE UNIVERSITY



Nn. on



SIX HUNDRED PATRIOTS RESPOND TO
FREEDOM'S CALL

A Down-Trodden and Oppressed Student Body Asserts Its Rights and Repudiates
the Yoke of Bondage.



The old liberty bell, whose care has
been entrusted to the incessant vigil
of "Old George," pealed forth upon the
placid morning air and challenged the
patriotism of six hundred discontented
souls to answer her call. A few mo-
ments later a responsive student body
filed into the Chapel and took their
designated places. Not a seat was va-
cant; for it had been spread abroad
that arms would be taken up against
the iron hand of oppression and ven-
geance wrought upon the flagrant dis-
crimination against a humiliated and
down-trodden student body. Shylock
was determined upon his pound of flesh
and all were eager to see the operation.

The president called the meeting to
order and thus proceeded : "Fellow
comrades, the purport of this assembly
is most momentous. Never before have
the students of this historic institution
been called upon to confront such an
impending crisis. The school we love
so well is inseparably connected with
the lives of those whose illustrious deeds
have filled the pages of history. Wc
ought to congratulate ourselves upon
the fact that our lots have been cast
with a school whose ideals and teachings
are guarded by the memories of those
two immortal heroes who glorified the
eras in which they lived bv the great-
ness of their mighty deeds. Now fellow-
students, shall we sit idly by and see
our sacred rights trampled in the mire
of discrimination or shall we emulate
the examples of those who lend their
names to this University and assert our
prowess in an attempt at universal free-
dom ? I shall not consume any more
of your valuable time but want to hear
this question freely discussed before
we take final action ; for we must act.
Our rights are perishing."

At this juncture the president took his
seat. All was silence. Not even a
whisper was heard. Everyone was lend-
ing his thoughts to the gravity of the
occasion. The principles of psychology
began to make themselves manifest and
an undercurrent began to pervade the



audience that there was a leader among
them. All yielded to the influences of
mental telepathy and spontaneously a
call went forth for Patrick Henry
Elooddo. "Pat," as he is familiarly
called by his comrades, realized that he
was the ordained leader of the hour, and
stepped forward. After running his
fingers through his hair several times
and stamping upon the floor for order,
he began.

"Fellows, you have • called for your
'Pat* and he is going to talk to you
just a 'leetle' to the point here this
morning. It is very seldom that I ever
make a speech, but when I do open my
mouth I am bound to spit a cinder ; and
when I drop a cinder it begins to sizzle
too. Here lately people have got afraid
to come to this Chapel for fear that
somebody will ask them to join the
Y. M. C. A. or to sign up for the South-
ern Collegian. Now, I am not going to
ask you to join the Y. M. C A. nor
to give your money to the Collegian.
I'm going to ask you to keep your
money in your pockets (prolonged ap-
plause). But in order to get to my point
I had better drive on. What I have to
say about money is this : there are a
lot of illiterate yaps hanging around this
burg and making their living off of
students who don't appreciate us or our
money either. If it were not for the
students there would be no Lexington.
Yet the so-called authorities of this
god-forsaken place have seen fit to haul
up several of our number for looking
cross-eyed in the picture show and
others for eating onions for supper and
bringing a heavy breath into town. Now,
my contention is that it is an inalienable
right for a man to look cross-eyed and
to eat onions wherever he pleases. Of
course, this doctrine does not apply to
women, but to men only. We have
been deprived of our rights and there
must be a remedy. Nobody knows for
certain just who is responsible for all
this damnation which is being visited
upon students, but I have a hunch that
[continued on page 2]



DR. BLATANE STARTS UPON

TOUR OF UNITED STATES



Accompanied by our special corres-
pondent, Mr. Pushem Penwell. together
with a coterie of friends and attend-
ants, including Slimese Blackey and
Henry O'Dold, Dr. Blatane left Lex-
ington last Tuesday on his triumphal
tour of the United States.

The start was auspicious. An im-
mense throng had gathered at the depot
where the doctor's private car
"Bounder" was attached to the B. & O.
"Punkinvine Limited." The Lexington
police, arrayed in scarlet tights, cocked
hats and bare-foot scandals, circulated
among the crowd, endeavoring to main-
tain order. This was very difficult
owing to the desire of all to obtain
points of vantage from which they
might catch a glimpse of the savant.
Several times Captain Shelocko Balker
was forced to make use of his liquid
pistol charged with Hoyt's cologne.
Happily no one was seriously injured.
although several women fainted when
the doughty captain struck the notorious
character, Rockbridge Roughneck, with
the large chrysanthemum which he was
carrying.

The crowd had begun to grow im-
patient when a blare of trumpets an-
nounced the arrival of the noted scholar.
The W. & L. Discord Band, which had
been employed for the occasion, struck
up, "Hail, Hail, the Gang's all Here."
and a brilliant procession came into
view over the top of the hill.

In front came Capt. Glummy Gourse
and Dr. Peruse Whiteguy, mounted on
gaily caparisoned milk-white nanny
goats, and carrying banners upon which
were emblazoned the words, "We are
the whole Cheese !" Directly behind
them came Mayor Scuta, mounted
upon a jet-black ass, and wearing a
Paquin Toga embroidered with butter-
cups ; on either side of him rode heralds
carrying banners bearing the legend:
"Drink and be merry to-day, and to-
morrow you will be jugged." Next came
ten college widows, arrayed like nymphs,
in pleasant smiles, and clinging gowns
of cream-colored chiffon embroidered
with pretzels. They sang "Casey Jones,"
and strewed dandelions along the way,
all the while rendering the Salome in
a most attractive manner. Immediately
behind them came a large sixty-horse-

[CONTINUED ON PAGE 2]



THE RANK-BUM FIE



FANCY DANCE BALL A HUGE SUCCESS



Brilliant Affair Eclipses All Previous
Efforts.



Washington and Lee has long been
noted for the brilliancy and magnifi-
cence of its social festivities, but the re-
cent fancy dance ball, given under the
auspices of the Vermilion Club, sur-
passed all others in its beauty, and will
bi remembered by those who saw
11 as a model of its kind.

The old rink had been transformed
into a beautiful ball-room under the
magic hand of the decoration commit-
tee whose tireless energies were di-
rected toward the resulting change. The
color scheme of pea green and lavender
was lavishly carried out even to the
tinting of the favors, which were minia-
ture photographs of "Sadie Salome" in
one of her characteristic poses.

Dark-red lanterns, appropriately hung,
cast a mellow glow over all. and were
relieved here and there by the irides-
cent gleam of modern electrical appli-
ances, whose yellow rays fitted well with
the d ilor scheme.

A great hank of ferns and palms, ar-
ranged in a far corner, concealed the
musicians, whose excellent renditions
were one of the pleasant memories of
the ball.

Dainty refreshments were passed
around during the intermissions by the
Literary Society "goats." who were
forced to do this menial service at the
command of their masters.

Promptly at ten o'clock the hall was
opened, heralds advancing and announc-
ing the opening figure. This was beauti-
fully led by Mr [. Squeezum and Miss
Wear Few Clothes, who conducted the
couples through the intricate windings
and whirls of an old-fashioned "Turkey
Trot." while, with soft strains, the or-
chestra rendered "Every Little Move-
ment lias A Meaning All Its Own."

Miss Few Clothes wore a beautiful
string of pearls.

This was only a foretaste of what was
to come, however, for soon the couples
were merrily dancing their way through
a bouncing, bounding bunny-hug spe-
cial, led bj Mr. O. I. Huggum and Miss
Lucy l.ittledress. wearing a beautiful
signet ring.

Dancing proper was then begun, and
the figures and specials that follower!
were all of the highest order, since
none were permitted to dance unless
they could produce a properly signed
certificate, showing thai the bearer was
an adept at the Long and Short Boston,
the Grizzly Bear, the Texas Tommy.
the Kangaroo Clasp, and all other steps
of the Terpsichorean art

[continued on pace 3]



SIX HUNDRED PATRIOTS RESPOND
TO FREEDOM'S CALL

[continued from page 1]

'Gummy' and the 'Jew' have a linger
in the pie So to make sure we must
get at them by the process of elimina-
tion. We are bound to have justice and
in order to attain our object I want to

propose that we boycott these ingrates
who don't appreciate us In support of
my suggestion and that I may not be
without authority I want to say that
this method was Used to some avail

against the 'Buckeye Stove Company.'

So I think that we students would be
safe in pursuing a precedent set by the
labor union Now this is all that I have
to say in support of my proposition
from an argumentative standpoint.

"But in conclusion I want to say a
word in regard to the principle of this
outrage. \nd when the dulcet sound
of principle touches my car it arouses
every faculty of my existence. Our
persecutors have violated a great prin-
ciple of justice. Principle! Why. it is
the foundation of everything. If we
do not avail ourselves of this oppor-
tunity and repudiate the yoke of bond-
age to which our enemies are trying
to subject us. short will be the reign
of freedom in this fair land of ours.
I know not what course others may
pursue, hut for me. give me liberty or
give me death !"

"Pat" took his seat amidst a loud and
prolonged applause, and for several
minutes he seemed totally overcome by
the strain of passion His friends
i ! ided him with felicitations upon his
efforts, and others took pains to note
that lie was very aptly named Patrick-
Henry. The president arose and asked
if there was any further discussion, and
instantly ten or twelve were contending
for the floor. After a brief wrangle
Pitchfork Bullemwell was recognized.
The audience knew the temperament of
this unique character and bis reputation
lor drastic legislation; so everyone,
realizing that he would avail himself of
the opportunity afforded by the occasion,
was anxiously awaiting his action.
"Pitchfork" stepped forward amidst a
thunderous roar of applause, and after
addressing the chair, thus began:

'Mm. I am going to dispense with the
usual preliminaries incident to an oc-
casion like tin's and get down to the
question at once: for time is too pre
cious at this moment to devote to for-
malities. I fear that some of you do
not fully realize the gravity of this
meeting. This hour is just as momen-
tous as that precious moment when John
Hancock began to sign the Declaration
of Independence Our action here to-

day means just as much to this student

bo(|\ as the Declaration of [ndepend-

|< ONTI NUED ON PAGE 3]



DR. BLATANE STARTS UPON

TOUR OF UNITED STATES
[continued FROM PACK 1]
power Blitzen Brush limousine, driven
bj Capt. (lalker, who was attired in the
most approved style direct from Paris.
Within the car, which was gaily be-
decked with water lilies and nin'-s re
posed Dr Blatane upon the shoulder
of Henry O'Dold, his friend, the noted
globe trotter. Dr. Blatane's obi and
trusted valet. Slimese I'.lackey. dressed
in a bottle-green livery trimmed with
old rose, came next upon a speckled ass.
Xext came the Faculty arrayed in gor-
geous costumes, consisting of red silk
stockings. Roman sandals and kilts, each
wearing upon Ins head a green feather,
held by a gold fillet set with cherry-
stones.

Arriving at the depot the procession
halted. Dr. Blatane's car drew up to
the platform, and the door opened. Dr.
Blatane. arrayed in scarlet pumps, blue
silk stockings, and a purple toga.
emerged from the car on the arm of
Henry O'Dold. He was followed by a
page bearing upon a gold tray a copy
of the Doctor's famous book. "Ameri-
ca's Gumpowder." The volume was
artistically bound in pink hull skin
bordered with gold, and was the
subject of much comment.

With stately step the learned Doctor,
with Mr. O'Dold. mounted the steps of
the car "Rounder." which was gor-
geously decorated with morning-glory,
pumpkin blossoms and gilded peach
seeds. On the rear platform they halted.
Dr. Blatane faced the multitude, which
cheered loudly It could be seen that he
struggled bard to suppress his emotion.
\t length be raised his hand and said:
"My friends, I must leave you for a
season Matters of import to my coun-
try call me from my scholastic seclu-
sion; affairs at Washington are not as
they should be I must settle these af-
fairs! It is also my mission in life to
give to the world peace — peace, everlast-
ing and uninterrupted ! When 1 have
accomplished these labors I will once
again return to you and resume my
bumble position as one of you; until
then, adieu !"

Here the beloved Doctor broke down
ami wept upon the shoulder of his com
panion, who gently led him into the
car. Much feeling was manifested by
the assembled throng. Many broke
down and wept, while others blew their
n< 'ms with great unction.

The jangling of a tomato can affixed
to the engine signified the willingness
of the train to move The crow. I
ch I; the band played. "(, line

Little Girl, Good-bye," and soon the be-
loved Doctor started upon his unpre-
cedented tour.

[continued on page 8.]



THE RANK-BUM FIE



JANITOR RECEIVES A CALL



Washington and Lee in Danger of Los-
ing a Valuable Servant.



Dick Gooch, our popular janitor, has
just received a call from the trustees
of the University of Bushwah, near
Peoria, 111., in which he is offered a posi-
tion like he holds here.

Always being noted as a most efficient
worker, and, as he since being here has
widened the scope of his work, it is no
wonder that his fame has spread
abroad.

When interviewed by a representative
of The Rank-Bum Fie, he said, "Ah
don' know weathah ah shall recept the
offah or not, but it suttinly looks
lumpricious to me. If ah does leave
heah, hit won't be foh the fouh dollahs
extry a month which ah will git. but ah
shall go foh de opachunity of distructive
work which the field affodes.

"Ah was up dere free yeahs ago when
ah axdressed de 'Janitors Sociation' of
colleges, and lawdy, man, ah never saw
sich a place as what needs mo' cleanen
in all ma life. Ah shall gib ma answer
to de publick as soon as ah can and ah
promises ah will except only atter full
consideration."

Immediately upon hearing of this
offer, the trustees of the University held
a call meeting and voted Dick an in-
crease in salary, and adopted resolutions
expressing appreciations of his services,
and inserted a petition for him to re-
main.

A monster demonstration is being
planned by the students, and Dick will
be called on for a speech if his natural
modesty does not prevent him from be-
ing found.

A petition will be placed on the
Bulletin Board, and all who have not
signed it are urged to do so at once.



FANCY DANCE BALL A HUGE SUCCESS

[continued from page 2.]
Only one unfortunate incident marred
the gayety of the occasion, that being
the ejection of a couple who were dis-
covered dancing the unconventional two-
step and waltz.

Unfortunately, too, quite a good many
lost their cards, and so a complete list
of all those dancing could not be gotten,
but if possible will be furnished in our
next issue.



If yon owed the Lexington Pool Com-
pany $17.50, how much would Beddow?



SIX HUNDRED PATRIOTS RESPOND
TO FREEDOM'S CALL

[continued from page 2.]
ence did to the American nation. So
consider yourselves in the same position
as those self-sacrificing patriots on July
4, 1776. Now, after my historical dem-
onstration of the situation, I am sure
you fully realize your grave responsi-
bility.

"Shakespeare says that 'all men are
created equal.' Now, this being so, all
men ought to enjoy the same rights and
immunities in life. But we students have
been made an exception to this blessed
principle of liberty, and have been dis-
criminated against. An outrage has been
perpetrated upon the ever-loving sons
of freedom ! The hour for freedom has
struck ; so we must avail ourselves of
the glorious opportunity. My friend
'Pat,' who preceded me on this floor,
seemed to have a delicacy in approach-
ing this question. He would not come
out and ask for definite action, but
merely suggested that we boycott some-
body. He handled the matter with kid
gloves and seemed to be feeling for pub-
lic opinion. Now, I am not feeling for
your pulse and am not making mere
suggestions ; I demand some definite
action. So, in order to get the question
in some tangible form, I want to make
the following motion, which I scratched
oft on a piece of paper while my prede-
cessor was taking up your time with his
futile suggestions. Here is my motion :

" 'That we, the students of Washing-
ton and Lee University, do jointly and
severally pledge ourselves to boycott
"Gummy" and "Iky" now, henceforth
and f orevermore.' "

"Just a word now in favor of my
motion. You will notice from the word-
ing of my proposition that it is very
comprehensive, and that there is no way
of escape. It is a sure shot. We have
dead aim; so how can we miss? Now,
I anticipate that some psalm-singing
sucker is going to get up here and try
to persuade you that these aforesaid
gents are probably innocent, and are
being made the victims of unjust legis-
lation. We know that somebody is the
cause of this discrimination, and I think
that the surest way to find out is by
the process of elimination. By this
method we can't lose ; and, furthermore,
1 think that circumstances are in our
favor. According to 'Daddy', circum-
stantial evidence is the best evidence.
So I demand a vote on this question."

The president arises and again re-
minds the audience of the importance
of the issue, and then places the mo-
tion before the house for general dis-
cussion.

Patrick Henry Blooddo is recognized.
"Mr. President," he says, "I arise here
[continued on page 5.]



CENTRAL HOTEL

(Opposite Chinese Laundry)

6 BITS

A DAY AND UP

Let Siamese tend to your baggage

Special rates for Vaudeville

Companies and

Students

MEALS SERVED NOW AND THEN



MRS. PETTIGREW

(Assisted by Joe)
ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM

CANDY to GOSSIP



Hobble-Skirted Customers

Have my sympathy



15c worth of candy for 5c if you
TALK RIGHT



I. WEINBERG

OUTFITTER



If you don't see what you want
ASK FOR IT



WE SELL EVERYTHING

DON'T GO TO OTHER PLACES AND

GET SKINNED

COME HERE



THE RANK-BITM FIE



®ltr lank-lum iFu.

Washington & Lee University



I'l i.l [SilKP WKAKl.Y



Subscription, twelve bk* per year. We credit
anybody. Single copies free.



There are no matters c.f i.usinos- ; we don't
believe in mixing it with literature.



EDITORIAL STAFF

PENNEM BULLEMWELL

Chief Scribe

0. I. WRIGHT

Another Scribe

ASSOCIATE EDITORS

There are none of these on this rag. We don't
believe In figure heads.



EDITORIALS

Heretofore we have endeavored to
cooperate, as far as possible, with the
Faculty in maintaining a high standard
of excellence in the University. This
has been comparatively easy thus far,
as cnir former beloved President en-
deavored to make college life pleasant
and agreeable to all.

Now, however, has come a new re-
gime, and, in spite of our violent pro-
tests, our dearest and most ancient pre-
rogatives are being taken from us.

There was a time when a man could
drink and Hunk in pursuit of happiness,
without having the constant fear of
Automatic Rules and other tyrannical
institutions continually intruding them-
selves upon his pleasures.

But those halcyon days are gone, and
the hand of the oppressor lies heavily
upon us, ( Ittr drunks and our thinks
are now limited to two, and college life
is one unending round of gloom. The
idea of limiting our drunks to two is
utterly preposterous Some Campbells
might confine themselves to two drunks
a year, but we are not camels, and we
thank God for it! Not only does this
strike at the very root of our liberty.
I ul it is an aspersion upon our honor
as Southern gentlemen. We are men of
honor, and are fully competent to limit
or unlimit our own drunks.

No right-minded man, we believe.
will be governed by this absurd regula-
tion. In fact, we are creditably in-
formed that some are already evading it



b; remaining for weeks at a time on
one drunk, thus making two drunks last
a whole year. Among these men are
some of the most prominent in college,
and we trust that others will follow
their > xample.

The regulation regarding flunks is not
of such moment, for it has always 1"' n
our policy not to worry over these, as
they are to be expected in the natural
course of events.



We wish to congratulate the ribbon
societies on the excellence of their ini-
tiation performances held recently on
the campus We feel safe in asserting
that never before in the history of these
organizations have such first-class ex-
hibitions been given, and we hope they
will serve as a standard for all future
effi irts

A proof of this was the large attend-
ance of ladies, all of whom remained
through the performance.

The jokes told and the songs sung
v ere of the most elevating character,
while the impersonations themselves
were so lifelike that it was easy to
imagine the originals there themselves.

Although forced to go through with
this very trying ordeal twice, the "goats'
conducted themselves in an admirable
manner, and showed how full thej were
with the "spirit" of the occasion



1 1 is a source of great gratification to

i;s to learn that a prominent member of

the Faculty litis been cleared of the

of bookmaking at tin.- recent

faculty ball game.

It came out in the trial that this dis-
graceful accusation was brought bj the
town authorities of Lexington with
deliberate intent to injure the Univer-
sity. This deplorable affair, although
utterly false, has created profound ex-
citement throughout the country, and
we fear that there are some who lie
lie\ e it P i be true.

The reputations of the men at the
head of tins institution should repudiate
any accusation of this kind, as they
were all chosen with a special view to


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