Alexander Pope.

The works of Alexander Pope Esq. : In nine volumes, complete. With his last corrections, additions, and improvements; as they were delivered to the editor, a little before his death. Together with the commentary and notes of Mr. Warburton (Volume 6) online

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Online LibraryAlexander PopeThe works of Alexander Pope Esq. : In nine volumes, complete. With his last corrections, additions, and improvements; as they were delivered to the editor, a little before his death. Together with the commentary and notes of Mr. Warburton (Volume 6) → online text (page 7 of 20)
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I. If the Innate Defire of the knowledge of Meta-

phyficks was the caufc of the Fall of Adam ;
and the \ Arbor Porphyriana, the Tree of Know-
ledge of good and evil ? affirm d.

II. If tranfcendental goodnefs could be truly pre-

dicated of the Devil ? affirmed.

III. Whether



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 133

III. Whether one, or many be firft ? or if one

doth not fuppofe the notion of many ? Snarez.

IV. If the defire of news in mankind be appetitus
inn<itus, not c/uvtus ? affirm;!.

V. Whether there is in human underftandings po-

tential fallitics ? affirnid.

VI. Whether God loves ipojjible Angel better than
an actually-exiftent flye ? deny'd.

VII. If Angels pafs from one extreme to another
without going through the middle ? Aquinas.

VIII. If Angels know things more clearly in a
morning r Aquinas,

IX. Whether every Angel hears what one Angel
luvs to another ? denyd. Aquinas.

X. If temptation beproprium quarto modo of the

Devil ? deny'd. Aquinas.

Xf. Whether one Devil can illuminate another ?
Aquinas.

XII. If there would have been any females born
in the (late of Innocence ? Aquinas.

XIII. If the Creation was finifhed in fix days, be-
caufe fix is the moft perfect number j or if
fix be the moft perfect number, becaufe the
Creation was finifhed in fix days ? Aquinas.

There were feveral others, of which in the
courfe of the life of this learned Perfon we
may have occafion to treat ; and one particu-
larly that remains undecided to this day ; it
was taken from the learned Suarez.

XIV. An prtfter efle reale actual!: ejjentiee fit aliud
eflc neceflarium quos res actualiter exiftat ? In
Engli/h thus. Whether befides the real be-
ing of actual being, there be any other being
neceflary to caufe a thing to be ?

This brings into my mind a Project to banifh

Metaphyfics out of Spain, which it was fuppofed

might be eftecluatcd by this method : That no

K 3 body



134 MEMOIRS OF

body fhould ufe any Compound or Decompound
of the Subftantial Verbs btt as they are read in the
common conjugations : for every body will allow,
that if you debar a Metaphyfician from ens, effen-
tia, entitas, fub/iftentia, &c. there is an end of
him.

Crambe regretted extremely, that Subftantial
Forms, a race of harmlcfs beings which had laft-
cd for many years, and afforded a comfortable fub-
fiftence to many poor Philofophers, mould be now
hunted down like fo many Wolves, without the
poflibility of a retreat. He confidered that it had
gone much harder with them than with Effences,
which had retired from the Schools into the Apothe-
caries Shops, where fome of them had been ad-
vanced into the degree oftuntffltntrt. He thought
there fhould be a retreat for yvor fubftantial forms,
amongft the Gentlcmen-ufhers at court ; and that
there were indeed fulftantial forms, fuch as forms
of Prayer, and farms of Government, without which
the things themfelves could never long fubfift. He
alfo ufed to wonder that there was not a reward
for fuch as could find out a fourth Figure in Lo-
#/V>f, as well at for thofe who mould difcover the
Longitude.



CHAP. VIII.
ANATOMY.

COrnclius, it is certain, had a moft fuperfli-
tious veneration for the Ancients ; and if they
contradicted each other, his Reafon was fo pliant
and dudtile, that he was always of the opinion of
the laft he read. But he reckoned it a point of
honour never to be vanquilhed in a difpute ; from

which'



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 135

which quality he acquired the Title of the Invin-,
cible Doctor. While the Profeflbrof Anatomy was
demonftrating to his fon the feveral kinds of Intef-
tines* Cornelius affirmed that there were only two,
the Colon and the ^fichos^ according to Hippocrates,
who it was impoflible could ever be millaken. It
was in vain to aflurc him this error proceeded from
want of accuracy in dividing the whole Canal of
the Guts : Say what you pleafe (he replied) this is
both mine and Hippocrates 's opinion. You may
with equal reafon (anfwcr'd the Profeflbr) affirm,
that a man's Liver hath five Lobes, and deny the
Circulation of the blood. Ocular demoniiration
(laid Cornelius) feems to be on your fide, yet I
fliall not give it up : Show me any vifcus of a hu-
man body, and I will bring you a monfter that dif-
fers from the common rule in the ftrudhire of it.
If Nature {hews fuch variety in the fame age, why
may (he net have extended it further in feveraJ
ages ? Produce me a man now of the age of an
Antediluvian ; of the ftrength of Samfon, or the
fize ef the Giants. If in the whole, why not in
parts of the body, may it not be poflible the pre-
fent generation of men may differ from die An-
cients ? The Moderns have perhaps lengthened the,
channel of the guts by Gluttony, and diminished
the liver by hard drinking. Though it fhali be
demonftrated that modern blood circulates, yet I
will believe with Hippocrates, that the blood of the
Ancients had a flux and reflux from the heart, like
a Tide. Confider how Luxury hath introduced
new difeafes, and with them not improbably alter-
ed the whole Courfe of the Fluids. Confider how
the current of mighty Rivers, nay the very chan-
nels of the Ocean are changed from what they
were in ancient davs ; and can we be fo vain to
imagine that the Microcofm of the human body
alone is exempted from the fate of all things ? I
K 4 qucftion



136 M E M O I R S O F

queftion not but plaufible Conje&ures may be made
even as to the Time when the blood firft began to
circulate. Such difputes as thefe frequently per-
plex'd the Piofeflbr to that degree, that he would
now and then in a paflion leave him in the middle
of a Leclure, as he did at this time.

There unfortunately happened foon after, an
unufual accident, which retarded the profecution of
the ftudies of Martin. Having purchafed the body
of a Malt faclor, he hir'd a Room for its difle&ion
near the Pert-fields in St. Giles's, at a little diftajice
from Tyburn Road. Crambe (to whofe care this
body was committed) carried it thither about
twelve a clock at night in a Hackney-coach, few
Houfe-keepers being very willing to let their lodg-
ings to fuch kind of Operators. As he was foftly
{talking up flairs in the dark, with the dead man
in his arms, his burthen had like to have flipp'd
from him, which he (to fave from falling) grafp'd
fo hard about the belly, that it forced the wind
through the Anus^ with a noife exactly like the
Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not
Comprehend how this part of the Animal Oeco-
nomy could remain in a dead man) was fo terri-
fied, that he threw down the body, ran up to his
rnafter, and had fcarce breath to tell him what had
happened. Martin with all his Philofophy could
rot prevail upon him to return to his Poft. You
may fay what you pleafe (quoth Crambe) no man
alive ever broke wind more naturally ; nay, he
feemed to be mightily relieved by it.. The rolling
of the corpfe down flairs made fuch a noife that it
awaked the whole houfe. The maid fhriek'd, the
landlady cried out Thieves : but the Landlord, in
his fliirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand,
and a drawn fword in the other, ventured out of
the Room. The maid with only a fingle petticoat
tan up ftairs, but fpurning at the dead body, fell

4 upon



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 157

upon it in a fwoon. Now the landlord ftood ftill
and lift'ned, then he looked behind him, and ven-
tured down in this manner one ftair after another,
till he came where lay his maid, as dead, upon
another corpfe unknown. The wife ran into the
ftreet and cried out murder ! the Watch ran in,
while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar,
were coming down flairs. The Watch imagined
they were making their efcape, feized them imme-
diately, and carried them to a neighbouring Juftice ;
where, upon fcarching them, feveral kind of
knives and dreadful weapons were found upon
them. The Juftice firft examined Crambe What
is your Name ? fays the Juftice. I have acquired
(quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call
me Crambe or Crambo, no matter which, as to
myfelf ; though it may be fome difputc to pofte-
rity. What is yours and your Matter's profeflion?
** It is our bufmefs to imbrue our hands in blood j
" we cut off the heads, and pull out the hearts of
" thofe that never injured us ; we rip up big-bclly'd
" women, and tear children limb from limb."
Martin endeavoured to interrupt him ; but the Ju-
ftice, being ftrangely aftoniftied with the franknefs
of Crambe's Confeflion, ordered him to proceed ;
upon which he made the following Speech :

" May it pleafe your Worfliip, as touching the
" body of this man, I can anfwer each head that
" my accufers alledge againft me, to a hair. They
" have hitherto talk'd like num-fculls without
" brains ; but if your Wormip will not only give
" car, but regard me with a favourable eye, I will
*' not br brow-beaten by the fupercilious looks of
" my adverfaries, who now ftand cheek by jowl
'* by your Wormip. I will prove to their faces,
" that their foul mouths have not opened their lips
" without a falftty ; though they have ihowed
** their teeth as if they would bite off my nofe.

* Now,



,38 MEMOIRS OF

' Now, Sir, that I may fairly flip my neck our
*' of the collar, I beg this matter may not be
" (lightly fkined over. Tho' I have no man here
" to bade me, I will unbofom myfelf, fmcc Truth
" is on my fide, and (hall give them their bellies
* c full, though they think they have me upon the
44 hip. Whereas they fay I came into their lodg-
t4 ings, with arms, and murdered this man with-
44 out their Privity, I declare I had not the leaft
44 ringer in it ; and fince I am to ftand upon my
*' own legs, nothing of this matter fhall be left till
44 I fet it, upon a right foot. In the vein I am in,
*' I cannot for my heart's blood and guts bear this
** ufaap : I flwll not fpare my lungs to defend my
** good name : I was ever reckoned a good liver ;
" and I think I have the bowels of compaflion. I
* c afk but juftice, and from the crown of my head
" to the foal of my foot I (hall ever acknowledge
ct myfelf your Worfliip's humble Servant."

The Juftice ftared, the Landlord and Landlady
lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while
Crambe talk'd in this rambling incoherent man-
ner ; till at length Martin begg'd to be heard. It
was with great difficulty that the Juftice was con-
vinced, till they fent for the Finiftier of human
laws, of whom the Corpfe had been purchafed ;
who looking near the left ear, knew his own
work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No fooner was Martin got home, but he fell
into a paflion at Crambe. ** What Daemon, he
44 cried, hath poflefled thee, that thou wilt nerer
44 forfake that impertinent cuftom of punning ?
44 Neither my counfel nor my example have thus
44 milled thee ; thou governeft thyfelf by moft er-
" roneous Maxims." Far from it (anfwers Crambe)
my life is as orderly as my Dictionary, for by my
Dictionary L order my life. I have made a Ka-
kndar of radical words for all the fcufons, months,

and



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS 139

and days of the year : Every day I am under the
dominion of a certain Word : but this day in par-
ticular I cannot be mifled, for I am governed by
one that rules all fcxes, ages, conditions, nay all
animals rational and irrational. Who is not go-
verned by the word Led ? Our Noblemen and
Drunkards are pimp-led, Phyficians and Pulfes
fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a New-
married Man and an Als are bride-led, an old mar-
ried Man and a Pack-horfe fad-led, Cats and Dice
are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are fty-led, a Co-
quet and a Tinder-Jaox are fpark-led, a Lover and
a Blunderer arc grove-led. And that I may not
be tedious Which thou art (replied Martin,
{lamping with his foot) which thou art, I fay, be-
yond all human toleration. Such an unnatural,
unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unpro-
fitable There it is now ! (interrupted Ciambc)
this is your Day for Uns. Martin could bear no
longer however, compofmg his Countenance,
Come hither, he cried, there are five pounds,
feventeen millings and nine pence : thou haft been
with me eight months, three weeks, two days,
and four hours. Poor Crambe upon the receipt
of his Salary, fell into tears, flung the money up-
on the ground, and burfl forth in thefe words :
O Cicero, Cicero ! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a
crime I have learned from thce : O Bias, Bias ! if

to pun be a crime, by thy example was I bias'd

Whereupon Martin (confidcring that one of the
greateft of Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had
punned) hcfitatcd, relented, and reinflated Crambe
in his Service.



CHAP.



140 M E M O I R S O F

CHAP. IX.

How Martinus became a great Critick.

IT was a moft peculiar Talent in Martinus, to
convert every Trifle into a ferious thing, either
in the way of Life, or in Learning. This can no
way be better exemplified, than in the effect which
the Puns of Crambe had on the Mind and Studies
of Martinus. He conceived, that fomewhat of a
like Talent to this of Crambe, of affembling paral-
lel founds, either fyllables, or words, might conduce
to the Emendation and Correction of Ancient Au-
thors , if applied to their Works, with the fame
diligence^ and the fame liberty. He refolved to try
firft upon Virgil, Horace, and Terence ; conclud-
ing, that, if the moft correct Authors could be fo
ferved with any reputation to the Critick, the
amendment and alteration of all the reft would eafi-
ly follow ; whereby a new, a vaft, nay boundlefs
Field of Glory would be opened to the true and
obfolute Critic.

This Specimen on Virgil he has given us, \r\
the Addenda to his Notes on the Dunciad. His
Terence and Horace are in every body's hands,
under the names of Richard B ley, and Francis
H re. And we have convincing proofs that the
late Edition of Milton published in the name of
the former of thefe, was in truth the Work of no
other than our Scriblerus.



CHAP.



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 141



CHAP. X.

Of Martinus's uncommon Pra<5tice of Phy-
fick, and how he apply'd himfelf to the
Difeafes of the Mind.

T) U T it is high time to return to the Hiftory
{3 f tn e Progrefs of Martinus in the Studies of
Phyfick, and to enumerate fome at leaft of the
many Difcoveries and Experiments he made there-
in.

One of the firft was his Method of inveftigating
latent Diftempcrs, by the fagacious Quality of
Sttting-Dogs and Pointers. The fuccefs, and the
Adventures that bcfel him, when he walked with
thefe Animals, to fmell them out in the Parks and
publick places about London, are what we would
willingly relate ; but that his own Account, toge-
fher with a Lift of thofe Gentlemen and Ladies at
whom they made a Full fet^ will be publifhed in
time convenient. There will alfo be added the
Reprefentation, which, on occafion of one diftem-
per which was become almoft epidemical, he
thought himfelf obliged to lay before both Houfes
of Parliament, intitled, A Propofal for a General
Flux, to exterminate at one blow the P x out of
this kingdom.

But being weary of all practice onfeetid Bodies ;
from a certain nicencfs of Conftitution (efpecially
when he attended Dr. Wood ward, thro' a Twelve-
months courfe of Vomition) he determined to leave
it off entirely, and to apply himfelf only to dif-
eafes of the Mind. He attempted to find out Spe-
ci ticks for all the Pajjions ; and as other Phyficians
throw their Patients into fweats, vomits, purga-
tions, etc. he call them into Love, Hatred, Hope,

Fear,



i 4 2 MEMOIRS OF

Fear, Joy, Grief, etc. And indeed the great Irre-
gularity of the Paflions in the Englifti Nation, was
the chief motive that induced him to apply his
whole ftudies, while he continued among us, to
the Difeafcs of the Mind.

To this purpofe he dire&ed, in the firft place,
his late acquired fkill in Anatomy. He confider'd
Virtues and I ices as certain Habits which proceed
from the natural Formation and Structure of par-
ticular parts of the body. A Bird flies becaufe it
has Wings, a Duck fwims becaufe it is web-foot-
ed : and there can be no queftion but the adun-
city of the pounces and beaks of the Hawks, as
well as the length of the fangs, the fharpnefs of
the teeth, and .the (rrength of the crural and maf-
(eter-mufcles * in Lions and Tygers, are the caufc
of the great and habitual Immorality of thofe Ani-
mals.

ift, He obfcrved, that the Soul and Body mu-
tually operate upon each other, and therefore if
you deprive the Mind of the outward Inflruments
whereby fhe ufually exprefleth that Paflion, you
will in time abate the Paflion itfelf, in like manner
as Caftratiou abates Luft.

2dly, That the Soul in mankind exprcfTeth every
Paflion by the Motion of fome particular Mttfcki.

3dly, That all Mufcles grow ftronger and thicker
by being much ujed ; therefore the habitual Paflions
may be difccrned in particular perfons by t\\eftrength
and bignefs of the Mufcles ufed in the exprefiion of
that Paflion.

4thly, That a Mufcle may be ftrengthen'd or
wcaken'd by weakning or ftrengthening the force

{ ftftj.

ef



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 143

of its Antagonift. Thefe things premifed, he took
notice,

That (omplai fance, humility, ajfcnt, approbation,
and civility, were exprefled by nodding the head
and bowing the body forward : on the contrary, d:f-
ftnt, diflike, refujal, pride, and arrogance, were
marked by totting the head, and bending the body
backwards : which two Paflionsof ajjent and dljjent
the Latins rightly exprefied by the words odnuere
and abnuerf. Now he obfervcd that complaifant
and civil people had the Flexors of the head very
ftrong ; but in the proud and infolent there was a
great over-ballance of flrength in the Extenfors of
the Neck and the Mufcles oft he Back, from whence
they perform with great facility the motion of tojjing,
but with great difficulty that of bowing, and therefore
have juftly acquir'd the Title of ftijf-ntck V .' In or-
der to reduce fuch perfons to a juft balance, he
judged that the pair of Mufcles called Refit interni^
the Maitoidal, ,with other flexors of the head, neck,
and body muft be ftrengthen'd ; their Antagonifrs>
the Splenii Complexi, and the Extenfors of the Spine
weaken'd : For which purpofe Nature herfelf feems
to have directed mankind to correct this Mufcular
Immorality by tying fuch follows Neck and heels.

Contrary to this, is the pernicious Cuftom of
Mothers, who abolifh the natural Signature of Mo-
defty in their Daughters, by teaching them tcjfing
and bridling, rather than the bafhful pofture offtoop-
ing, and banging down the head. Martinus charged
all hufbands to take notice of the Pofture of the
Head of fuch as they courted to Matrimony, as that
upon which their future happinefs did much depend.

Flatterers, who have the flexor Mufcles fo ftrong
that they are always bowing and cringing, he fup-
pofcd might in fome mcafure be corrected by being
tied down upon a Tree by the back, like the chil-
dren of the Indians ; which doctrine was itrongly

confirm'd



144 MEMOIRSOF

confirm'd by his obferving the ftrength of the leva-
tores ScapuUe : This Mufcle is called the Mufcle of
patience, becaufe in that affe&ion of Mind people
fhrug and raife up the (houldcr to the tip of the ear.
This Mufcle alfo he obferved to be exceedingly
ftrong and large in Henpecked Hujbands, in Italians,
and in Englijb Minifters.

In purfuance of his Theory, he fuppofed the
conftrictors of the Eye-lids, muft be ftrcngthen'd in
the (upercilious, the abductors in drunkards and con-
templative men, who have the fame fteddy and
grave motion of the eye. That the buccinators or
blowers up of the cheeks, and the dilators of the
Nofe, were two ftrong in Cholerick people ; and
therefore Nature here again directed us to a reme-
dy, which was to correct fuch extraordinary dilata-
tion by pulling by the Nofe.

The rolling amorous Eye, in the paflion of
Love, might be corrected by frequently looking
thro* glafles. Impertinent fellows that jump upon
Tables, and cut capers, might be cur'd by relaxing
medicines applied to the Calves of their Legs, which
in fuch people are too ftrong.

But there were two cafes which he reckoned ex-
tremely difficult. Firft, Affectation, in which there
were fo many Mufcles of the bum, thighs, belly,
neck, back, and the whole body, all in a falfe tone,
that it required an impracticable multiplicity of ap-
plications.

The fecond cafe was immoderate Laughter :
When any of that rifible fpecies were brought toths
Doctor, and when he considered what an infinity of
Mufcles thefe laughing Rafcals threw into a convul-
five motion at the fame time ; whether we regard
the fpafms of the Diaphragm and all the mufcles of
refpiration, the horrible rictus of the mouth, the
diftortion of the lower jaw, the crifping of the
nofe, twinkling of the eyes, or fphserical convexity

of



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 145

of the checks, with the tremulous fucceflion of the
whole human body : when he confidcred, I fay, all
this, he ufed to cry out Cafus plane deplorabilh ! and
give fuch Patients over.



CHAP. XI.

The Cafe of a young Nobleman at Court,
with the Do&or's Prefcription for the
fame.

AN eminent Inftance of Martinus's Sagacity in
difcovering the Diftempers of the Mind, ap-
peared in the cafe of a young Nobleman at Court,
who was obferved to grow extremely affe&ed in his
fpeech, and whimfical in all his behaviour. He be-
gan to afk odd queftions, talk in verfe to himfelf,
Ihut himfelf up from his friends, and be acceflible
to none but Flatterers, Poets, and Pick-pockets ;
till his Relations and old Acquaintance judged him
to be fo far gone, as to be a fit Patient for the Doc-
tor.

As foon as he had heard and examined all the
fvmptoms, he pronounced hisdiftemperto be Love

His friends aflured him that they had with gicat
care obferved all his motions, a^id were perfectly
Satisfied there was no Woman in the cafe. Scrible-
rus was as pofitive that he was defperately in love
with fome perfon or other. tl How can that bo ?
" (faid his Aunt, who came to afk the advice)
" when he converfes almoft with none but him-
" felf r" Say you fo ? he replied, why then he is in
love with himfelf, one of the moft common cafes
in the world. I am allonifhed, people do not
enough attend tliis Difeafe, which has the fame
caufes and fymptoms, and admitk of the fame cure

VOL. VI. L wiu>



146 M E M O I R S O F

w ith the other : efpecially fince here the cafe of the
:it i^ the more helplefs and deplorable of the
two, as this unfortunate pafiion is more blind than
the other. There are people, who difcover from
their very youth a moil amorou* inclination to
thcmfelvcs ; which is unhappily nurs'd by fuch Mo-
ther?, as, with their good will, would never fuffer
their children to be crowed in love. Eafe, luxury,
and idlenefs, blow up this flame as well as the
other : Conftant opportunities of converfation with
the perfon beloved (the greateft of incentives) are
here impoflible to be prevented. Bawds and pimps
in the other love, will be perpetually doing kind
offices, fpeaking a good word for the party, and
carry about Billet doux. Therefore I afk you, Ma-
dam, if this Gentleman has not been much fre-
quented by Flatterers, and a fort of people who
bring him dedications and verfes \ " O Lord ! Sir,
" (quoth the Aunt) the houfe is haunted with
" them." There it is (replied Scriblerus) thole
are the bawds and pimps that go between a man
and himfclf. Arc there IK> civil Ladies, that tell
him he drcfTeswell, has a gentlemanly air, and the
like \ " Why truly, Sir, my Nephew is not auk-
*' ward. "-Look you, Madam, this is a misfortune to
him : In former days thefe fort of lovers were hap-
py in one refpet, that they never had any rivals,
but of late they have all the Ladies fo Be pleafed
to anfwer a few queftions more. Whom does he

generally talk of \ Himfelf, quoth the Aunt.

Whole wit and breeding does he moft commend \
His own, quoth the Auivt. Whom does he write
letters to \ Himfelf. Whom does he dream, of?

All the dreams I ever heard were of himfelf.

Whom t; he ogling yonder I Himfelf in hislook-
ing-glals.- -Why does he throw back his head in
that languifhing pofture ? Only to be bled with a
fmiJe of himfelf as he palFes by. Does he ever fteal

2 a kifs



MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 147

a kifs from himfelf, by biting his lips ? Oh conti-
nually, till they are perfect vermilion. Have you
obferved him to ufe Familiarities with any body ?
" With none but himfelf: he often embraces him-
** felf with folded arms, he claps his hand often
'* upon his hip, nay fometimes thrufls it into his


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Online LibraryAlexander PopeThe works of Alexander Pope Esq. : In nine volumes, complete. With his last corrections, additions, and improvements; as they were delivered to the editor, a little before his death. Together with the commentary and notes of Mr. Warburton (Volume 6) → online text (page 7 of 20)