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Produced by Katherine for Chrissy, Dorcas, and Bryan





HINTS FOR LOVERS

by Arnold Haultain




Boston : Houghton Mifflin Company : New York

310 The Riverside Press
Cambridge, Massachusetts
U.S.A.



Copyright, 1909, by Theodore Arnold Haultain
All Rights Reserved
Entered at Stationers' Hall




This Edition is limited to five hundred and forty numbered copies of
which this is number 245




To Emma Mellicent Audrey




PHAIDRA: ti touth o dae legousin anthropous eran
TROPHOS: aediston, o pai, tauton a lgeinon th ama
-Euripides



Table of Contents

I. On Girls
II. On Men
III. On Women
IV. On Love
V. On Lovers
VI. On Making Love
VII. On Beauty
VIII. On Courtship
IX. On Men and Women
X. On Jealousy
XI. On Kisses and Kissing
XII. On Engagements and Being Engaged
XIII. On Marriage and Married Life
XIV. On This Human Heart



PLEA: CONFESSION AND AVOIDANCE

". . . aphorism are seldom couched in such terms, that they should be
taken as they sound precisely, or according to the widest extent of
signification; but do commonly need exposition, and admit exception:
otherwise frequently they would not only clash with reason and
experience, but interfere, thwart, and supplant one another."
- Issac Barrow

"The very essence of an aphorism is that slight exaggeration which makes
it more biting whilst less rigidly accurate."
- Leslie Stephen




I. On Girls

"A Pearl, A Girl."
-Browning


There are of course, girls and girls; yet at heart they are pretty much
alike. In age, naturally, they differ wildly. But this is a thorny
subject. Suffice it to say that all men love all girls-the maid of
sweet sixteen equally with the maid of untold age.

* * *

There is something exasperatingly something-or-otherish about girls. And
they know it - which makes them more something-or-otherish still: - there
is no other word for it.

* * *

A girl is a complicated thing. It is made up of clothes, smiles, a
pompadour, things of which space and prudence forbid the enumeration
here. These things by themselves do not constitute a girl which is
obvious; nor is any one girl without these things which is not too
obvious. Where the things end and the girl begins many men have tried to
find out.

Many girls would like to be men - except on occasions. At least so they
say, but perhaps this is just a part of their something-or-otherishness.
Why they should want to be men, men cannot conceive. Men pale before
them, grow hot and cold before them, run before them (and after them),
swear by them (and at them), and a bit of a chit of a thing in short
skirts and lisle-thread stockings will twist able-bodied males round her
little finger.

It is an open secret that girls are fonder of men than they are of one
another - which is very lucky for the men.

Girls differ; and the same girl is different at different times. When
she is by herself, she is one thing. When she is with other girls she is
another thing. When she is with a lot of men, she is a third sort of
thing. When she is with a man. . . But this baffled even Agur the son
of Jakeh.

As a rule, a man prefers a girl by herself. This is natural. And yet is
said that you cannot have too much of a good thing. If this were true, a
bevy of girls would be the height of happiness. Yet some men would
sooner face the bulls of Bashan.

Some foolish men - probably poets - have sought for and asserted the
existence of the ideal girl. This is sheer nonsense: there is no such
thing. And if there were, she could not compare with the real girl, the
girl of flesh and blood - which (as some one ought to have said) are
excellent things in woman.

Other men, equally foolish, have regarded girls as playthings. I wish
these men had tried to play with them. They would have found that they
were playing with fire and brimstone. Yet the veriest spit-fire can be
wondrous sweet.

Sweet? Yes. On the whole a girl is the sweetest thing known or
knowable. On the 6 whole of this terrestrial sphere Nature has produced
nothing more adorable than the high-spirited high-bred girl. - Of this
she is quite aware - to our cost (I speak as a man). The consequence is,
her price has gone up, and man has to pay high and pay all sorts of
things - ices, sweets, champagne, drives, church-goings, and sometimes
spot-cash.

Men are always wishing they knew all about girls. It is a precious good
thing that they don't. - Not that this is in any way disparaging to the
girls. The fact is

A girl is an infinite puzzle, and it is this puzzle, that, among other
things, tickles the men, and rouses their curiosity.

What a man doesn't know about a girl would fill a Saratoga trunk; what
her does know about her would go into her work-box.

* * *

The littlest girl is a little women. No boy knows this - and precious
few grown up men. Thus

Many a grown up man plays with a girl, then finds himself in love with
her. As to the girl - -

Always the girl knows whether the play is leading: she probably chooses
the game.

* * *

Very late in life does a man learn the truth (and significance) of that
ancient proverb that Kissing goes by Favour. For

The masculine mind is the slave of Law and Justice:

Aphrodite never heard of Law or Justice: she was born at sea. That is to
say,

Few are the men who at some time in their lives have not wondered at the
vagaries of girlish complaisance: the foolish, the ne'er-do-well, the
bully, the careless, the cruel, - it is to these often that a girls'
caress is given. And,

Curiously enough, that is, curiously enough as it seems to purblind
law-loving man, - should the favored one be openly convicted, that
alters not one whit his statue with the girl; for,

A girl, having given her heart, never recalls it not wholly: she may
regret; she never recoils. In other words,

To the man of her own free lawless choice a girl is always loyal; to
subsequent and subordinate attachments she is dutiful. So,

Even the renegade, if loved by a girl, will be upheld by that girl
through thick and thin - secretly, it may be, for often the girl,
nevertheless devotedly, and only under compulsion will he listen to the
detractor: he may desert her, or, if he sticks to her, he may beat her;
no matter: he holds her heart in the hollow of his hand. But, But,

Few things mystify poor law-abiding man than this, that the central, the
profoundest, the most portentous puzzle of the universe - the weal of woe
of two high-aspiring, much-enduring, youthful human souls, should be the
sport of what seems to him the veriest and merest chance.

* * *

The unconscious search of sweet sixteen is for (in mathematical language
which will not sophisticate her) the integral of love. - Yet

In the short years between sixteen and twenty a girl's love will undergo
rapid and startling developments.

* * *

A girl with lots of brothers has more chances of matrimony than a girl
with none: she knows more of men; especially of their weaknesses and
idiosyncrasies. And

To know the weaknesses and idiosyncrasies of men is perhaps a wife's
chief task; unless it be to put up with them.

* * *

Often enough the freckled and fringrant girl wins over the professional
beauty.

* * *

Sometimes grown-up girls are just as shy as little ones - and for the
same reasons because there is no one who knows how to play with them.

Girls often play with love as if it were one of the amusements of life;
but a day comes when love proves itself the most sensuous thing on earth.
And

A girl is quick to discover the kind of love that is required of her. As
a rule

Many a girl who has been sore put to it to prove herself whole-hearted.
For of course,

Always every suitor expects whole heartedness. And this every girl
instinctively knows. Indeed,

Is not a half-hearted love, or a half-hearted acceptress of love, a
contradiction in terms?

* * *

A certain measure of the sophisticated or unsophistication of a youthful
damsel may be found in her manner o f receiving the attentions of a
stranger in a station different from her own.

Young women, themselves but rarely unsophisticated, view with a certain
pitying sort of curiosity unsophisticatedness in men. And

A young man's unsophisticatedeness it is a great delight to a woman to
eradicate. Yet

A girl regards with complex emotions the man who has blossomed under the
genial warmth of her rays; the flattery to own powers is counterbalanced
by the evidence of lack of power in him.

* * *

A girl thinks she detects flippancy in seriousness. A woman thinks she
detects seriousness in flippancy.

* * *

What would be conduct decidedly risqué in a city miss, is often innocent
playfulness in a country maid.

* * *

Between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, girls play with love as if it
were a doll; very soon after twenty they discover it is a dynamo. This
is why

An early and clandestine engagement often works more havoc than
happiness. For

Either, one of the parties to the concealed compact receives or pays
attention which perturb the other; or, a subsequent and acknowledged
lover looks askance at the previous entanglement. Since even if

A clandestine engagement (as is usually the case) is merely a flirtation
with the emoluments which accompany a promise to marry, those emoluments
are not nice things for a subsequent and avowed lover, whether masculine
or feminine, to think upon. Lastly,

A laxity with regard to the claims of courtship is apt to breed a laxity
with regard to the claims of wedlock. In short,

Flirtations, like clandestine engagements, are an affront to love.
Accordingly

To the engagement-ring should be as attached as much importance as to the
wedding-ring. Indeed,

A difficult and a delicate path it is that a girl has to tread through
life - and often enough a dangerous. Yet with extraordinary deftness she
treads it. She must win her a mate, yet has to pretend that the mate
wins her. She makes believe to be captured, yet has herself to be intent
on the chase. To be wooed and wedded is the law of her being, yet not
for one moment dares she to exhibit too great an alacrity to obey that
law; for she knows instinctively that an easy victory prognosticates a
fickle victor. Is she abundantly endowed with the very attributes that
make for wife-and mother-hood, a strong and swaying passion and an
affection unbounded, she must hold them in leash with exemplary patience;
for, alas! Are they given the rein for a single passing moment, instead
of being accounted unto her for righteousness, they work her ruin. She
must win her one man, and she must win him for life; but she cannot pick
or choose, for she must wait to be asked.

If she make test of many admirers, she is described as a flirt; if,
conscientious and demure, she await her fate, a desirable fate is by no
means assured.

In truth it seems that too often a girl must dissemble - hateful as
dissemblance in men. T'is a hard road indeed that a girl has to travel.
To win her a fellow-farer for life, she must go out of her way to
accommodate so many travelers: and this one is lured by this, and that
one by that, and another by something unnoticed by the throng. But, an
she dissembles one iota too much, her fellow-farers look askance, and he
who eventually joins her for good upbraids her for that by which she won.


Dissemblance is indeed at once the boon and the bane of a girl: without
it, she thinks to be overlooked (often enough a preposterous assumption);
with it, she is looked upon too much. And always,

Always a girl has to pretend that never did she descend to dissemblance.
- Which, nevertheless, is sometimes absolutely true, for

Just now and then there happens that miracle of miracles, where their
flames up in the man, and their flames up in the maid, in both at once,
unaided and unlooked-for, that divine and supra-mundane spark which
smolders lambent in every youthful breast: when maid and man take mutual
fire at touch of hands and look of eyes, - fire lit at that vestal altar
which knows no source and burns for aye.




II. On Men

"Duskolon esti to thremma anthropus."
- Plato


For man, the over-grown boy, life has commonly two, and only two, sides:
work, and play. Happy he who has for a helpmate one who possesses the
faculty of increasing a zeal for the first and of adding a zest to the
second. Wherein, O woman, thou mayest happily find the two-fold secret
of thy life-work. For

Man is a greedy animal: he wants all or nothing. And fortunately for
him,

Women tacitly extol man's greed: they will not be shared any more than
they will share.

There is something canine in the masculine nature: like a dog over a
bone, it snarls at the very approach of a rival.

* * *

It is curious, but it is true, that proud man becomes prouder (and - more
curious still - at the same time humbler) when weak woman gives him
something - a look a smile, a locket, her hair, a kiss, herself.

* * *

The greater a man's faith in himself, the greater his mistress hers in
him. And perhaps, the greater his mistress her faith in a man, the
greater his in himself. For

A woman's faith in a man works wonders.

* * *

A man to whom a woman cannot look up, she cannot love. Yet,

It is marvelous how a woman contrives to find something to look up to in
a man.

* * *

Many men forget the artistic tendency of the feminine temperament, a
tendency which shows itself in many ways - their love of pretty things,
of pretty ways, and of pretty words. From which three alone we may
deduce the rule that

When with the woman he admires and whose admiration he seeks, a man
cannot be too careful of his dress, his speech, and his manners.

* * *

A believer in Woman is a believer in Good. And vice versa, and mutatis
mutandis.

* * *

Man's standard of value of a woman is usually determined by the scale of
his own emotions. That is to say,

The pedestal upon which a man places a woman (a man always puts a woman
upon a pedestal) is a pedestal erected solely by the effect upon himself
of her charms.

* * *

A man may boast himself invincible by men; never by woman.

* * *
The lady-killer is always an object of attraction to ladies, even to
those whom he makes no attempt to slay.

* * *

It may perhaps be a thing as unreasonable as certainly it is
indisputable, that however much wild oats a man may himself sow, he
invariably entertains a very peculiar objection to any woman near or dear
to him entering upon this particular branch of agriculture.

* * *

He is a fool who does not bear himself before his lady-love as a prince
among men.

* * *

Some men are so gallant that they will never be outdone by the woman who
encourages them. But it often leads to strange embarrassments and
entanglements.

* * *

Few things terrify a man more than the knowledge of a woman's ability to
make her emotions - when, if ever, he arrives at it.

* * *

That is a very silly man who thing she can play one woman off against
another. For

In matters of emotional finesse the masculine instance is nowhere: it is
blinded, befogged, befooled at every turn.

Heaven help the man who is dragged into a quarrel between two wrathful
ladies!

* * *

Three things there be - nay, four - which man can never be sure, how a
greatsoever his acumen, his astuteness, or his zeal: a woman; a race
horse; a patent; and the money-market. They defy both faith and fate;
they should be the recreations not the resources of life; and he is a
fool who stakes more than a portion of his substance on any one of them.

* * *

What a paltry thing, after all, is man, man uncomplemented by woman! Left
to himself, he stagnates; linked with a woman, he rises - -or sinks. A
gentle touch stimulates him, a confiding heart makes of him a new
creature. Under the rays of feminine sympathy, he expands who else would
remain inert. Fame may allure him, friends encourage him, fortune cause
him a momentary smile, but only woman makes him; and fame, friends,
fortune, all are naught if there be not at his side a sharer of his weal.
A man will strive for fortune, strip himself for friends, scour the earth
for fame; but were there no woman in the world to be won, not one of
these things would he do.

* * *




III. On Women

"Ehret die Fanen!"
-Schiller


From woman, who e're she be, there seems to emanate a potency ineffable
to man, - impalpable, invisible, divine. It lies not in beauty or
grace, not even in manner or mein; and it requires neither wiles nor
artifice. It is not the growth of long and intimate acquaintance, for
often it acts spontaneously and at once; and neither the woman who
possesses it nor the man who succumbs to it can give it a name. For to
say that it consists in the effluence or influence of personality or
temperament, of affinity or passion, of sympathy or charm, is to say
nothing save that we know not what it is. All unknown to herself, it
wraps its owner round with airs the which to breathe uplifts the spirit,
and yet, may be, perturbs the heart, of man. Even its effects are
recondite and obscure. It allures; but how it allures now man shall
tell. It impels; but to what, does not appear. It rouses all manner of
hopes, stirs sleeping ambition, and desires and aspirations unappeasable;
but for what purport or to what end, none stays to inquire . It incites;
sometimes it enthralls. It innervates; it exhaults. Under its spell,
reason is flung to the winds, and matters of great mundane moment are
trivial and of no account: for it bewilders the wit and snatches the
judgment of sane and rational men. It is most powerful in youth; it is
most powerful upon youth; yet some retain it till far on in years, and no
age but feels its sway: - a veiled and mysterious force; sometimes
daemonical, often divine: at once the delight and the despair of man.
After all,

The man who declares he understands women, declares his folly. For,

If woman were not such a mystery, she would not be such an attraction.
For again,

What is known is ignored. (But woman need have no cause for
apprehension.) Besides,

Men may be classified; women never. This is why

Generalizing in the case of women is useless; since

Woman is a species of which every woman is a variety. And every man must
make up his mind to this, that

Every woman is a study in herself. However,

If women were comprehensible to men, men and women would be friends, not
lovers (But the race is safe). The simple fact is that

Womanliness is the supreme attraction, in however fair or however frail a
personality it is embodied. And

The sacred function of all womanhood is to kindle in man the divine spark
by means 30 of the mystic flame that burns ever in the vestal breast.

* * *

Every true woman's orbit is determined by two forces: Love and Duty.
Which is another way of saying that

Women, like the lark, are true to the kindred points of heaven and home.
But,

It is only when the two foci are coincident and identical that her orbit
becomes the perfect circle and her home becomes her heaven.

* * *

A woman's heart is an unfathomable ocean: nothing ever filled it; no one
ever plumbed it. At the surface are glancing waves, or flying spume, or,
it may be, raging billows; beneath are silent depths invisible to man. A
thousand streams flow into it in vain. Towards varying coast-lines it
bears itself variously; here, placid and content; there, dashing furious.
But none ever stamped his marked upon its brim, and always it remains the
refluent, reluctant sea. Of it man knows only the waves that break or
ripple at his feet. It betrays no 31 secrets; it asks not to be
understood. Storm and calm but stir or still its surface, and what
things it hides forever engulfed no one may learn. Subtle, yet mighty;
an eternal, and entrancing, mystery to man.

A man's heart is the enclosing shore; measurable, impressionable,
definite, and overt; thinking to house that sea, shaping it, over looking
it, and staying and governing its tides. Yet changed by it, crumbling
before it, yielding to it: at once its guardian and its slave. Yet
perhaps

The placidest of seas is that which is wholly land-locked.

* * *

Women, apparently, were made for men; men for themselves. Certainly

Men seem to carry out this design of Nature, that they should be
ministered to by women.

* * *

A woman asks a woman questions in order to discover something. She asks
a man questions in order to discover the man.

* * *

he last thing that a woman will risk is her personal appearance. Which
is saying a good deal, for

A woman will risk an interview at an unseasonable hour, but not in an
unseasonable frock.

* * *

Never, never take a woman au pied de la letter.

* * *

Women's rights are: to be loved.

* * *

Women's duties are: to love.

* * *

There is always something sovereign and monarchial about a woman: like a
queen's, her wishes are her commands. And

In matrimony, woman's sovereignty is not abdicated. By no means; it is
only transformed from an absolute into a constitutional monarch : she
acts then by and with the advice of her First Lord. This is the ideal
State.

* * *

Woman's true function, as a citizen, in this world is: to spur men on to
high and noble action. And this, quite unconsciously, she does.

Woman's true function, as a woman, in the world is: to evoke man's most
fervid emotions, and at the same time to keep them at their highest
level. And this she also does - perhaps not quite so unconsciously.

* * *

They err who call women illogical. Feminine logic is inexorable. But it
proceeds per saltum. It is man who has laboriously to reason step by
step.

* * *

The most wayward woman craves control: To let a woman have her own way is
interpreted by her as indifference. And

The surest way to fail to please a woman is to let her do what she
pleases.

* * *

Woman is born to acting as the sparks fly upward. And

What a woman really is, nobody knows, least of all herself.
To see a woman as she really is, one must see her with her babe. For

It is curious, but it is true, that not even before the passionate and
accepted lover to whom she has utterly devoted herself can a woman bare
her heart as can she to her babe. Perhaps we may go so far as to say
that

Motherhood always partially eclipses wife-hood:

When the child comes, the man stands aside. For

It is not within the capability of man to evoke or to develop the
totality of woman. There are feminine potentialities he is powerless to
awake. There is a portion of womanliness always hidden from him. To her
babe alone she opens the innermost recesses of her soul. For him she
wears no masks, affect no accent, plays no part. Even her features take
on a different and unique expression before the offspring of her womb.
Never is she more womanly, never so strong, never so quite, never so
self-contained, never so completely herself, and never so beautify when
bending over her helpless infant son. And naturally: for say what one
will,

Motherhood is the goal of womanhood. And

Howsoever she comes by it, a woman's burthen is always to her "That Holy
Thing". So

No one knows what a woman is like till she is a mother. In other words

Motherhood reveals womanhood. And, be it remembered,

There be childless women - both spinsters and wives - who could mother
mankind in their bosoms. Such women wield great influence. For

Many a mere man there is has owed his all to a motherly woman.

* * *

Nor speech, not restore, nor expression of feature, nor all combined,
will ever reveal the real feelings of a woman. To unbosom herself is
impossible to woman. Do not expect it, for

Definite and accurate utterance is not given to woman.

* * *

The chief business of woman is: first, to get married; second, to get
others married.

* * *

It is difficult to say which have played the greater havoc among men: the
women with too much conscience, or the woman with none.

* * *

When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons, be warier.

* * *

Woman are always prepared for emergencies.

* * *

With woman, tact and jealousy rarely go hand in hand; tact and spite
never.

The only instance in which a woman's tact is apt to be at fault is in
detraction of a woman whom she regards as her rival;

The instance in which a woman's tact is seen as its best is in deploying
the men who she knows are rivals for her hand. And usually


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