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but you shall have good pawns, look you, sir, this jewel and this
gentleman's silk stockings, because we would have it dispatch'd ere
we went to our chambers.

Mus. I am content, sir, I will get you the warrant presently.
What's his name, say you, Giuliano ?

Mat. Ay, ay, Giuliano.

Mus. What manner of man is he?

Mat. A tall, big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of
silk russet, laid about with russet lace.

Mvs. 'Tis very good, sir.

Mat. Here, sir, here's my jewel.

Bob. And here are stockings.

Mus. Well, gentlemen, I'll procure this warrant presently, and
appoint you a variet of the city to serve it, if you'll be upon the
Realto anon, the variet shall meet you there.

Mat. Very good, sir, I wish no better. [Exeunt Boba. and Mat.

Mus. This is rare, now will I go pawn this cloak of the doctor's
man's at the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the variet myself,
and get either more pawns, or more money of Giuliano for my
arrecc. [Exit.


SCEXE I. Enter LORENZO senior.

Lor. se. Oh, here it is, I am glad I have found it now.
Ho ! who is within here? [Enter TIB.

Tib. I am within, sir, what's your pleasure?

Lor. se. To know who is within besides yourself.

Tib. Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope ?

Lor. se. Oh, fear you the constable ? then I doubt not,
You have some guests within deserve that fear;
I'll fetoh him straight.

Tib. O' God's name, sir.

Lor. se. Go to, tell me is not the young Lorenzo here?

Tib. Young Lorenzo, I saw none such, sir, of mine honesty.

Lor. se. Go to, your honesty flies too lightly from you:
There's no way but fetch the constable.

Tib. The constable, the man is mad, I think. [Claps to the door.

Enter Piso and BIANCHA.

Piso. Ho, who keeps house here ?

Lor. se. Oh, this is the female copes-mate of my son.
Now shall I meet him straight.

Bin. Knock, Piso, pray thee.

Pi*. Ho, good wife. [Enter TIB.

Tib. Why, what's the matter with you?

Bia. Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door ?
Belike you get something to keep it shut.

Tib. What mean these questions, pray ye?

Bia. So strange you make it ! is not Thorello, my tried husband,
here ?

48 Ben Jonson's Plays

Lor. se. Her husband ?

Tib. I hope he needs not be tried here.

Bia. No, dame: he doth it not for need but pleasure.

Tib. Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.

Lor. se. This is but a device to balk me withal; Soft, who's
this? [Enter THORELLO.

Bia. Oh, sir, have I forestall'd your honest market?
Found your close walks ? you stand amazed now, do you ?
I'faith (I am glad) I have smoked you yet at last;
What's your jewel, trow? In: come, let's see her;
Fetch forth your housewife, dame; if she be fairer
In any honest judgment than myself,
I'll be content with it: but she is change,
She feeds you fat; she soothes your appetite,
And you are well: your wife, an honest woman,
Is meat twice sod to you, sir ; Oh, you treachour.

Lor. se. She cannot counterfeit this palpably.

Tho. Out on thee, more than strumpet's impudency,
Steal' st thou thus to thy haunts ? and have I taken
Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion,
This hoary-headed letcher, this old goat,
Close at your villainy, and would' st thou 'scuse it,
With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me?
Oh, old incontinent, dost thou not shame,
When all thy powers in chastity are spent,
To have a mind so hot ? and to entice
And feed the enticements of a lustful woman ?

Bia. Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch !

Tho. Defy me, strumpet ? ask thy pander here,
Can he deny it ? or that wicked elder.

Lor. se. Why, hear you, Signior ?

Tho. Tut, tut, never speak,
Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.

Lor. se. What lunacy is this that haunts this man ? [Enter Giu.

Giu. Oh, sister, did you see my cloak ?

Bia. Not I, I see none.

Giu. God's life, I have lost it then, saw you Hesperida ?

TJw. Hesperida ? is she not at home ?

Giu. No, she is gone abroad, and nobody can tell me of it at
home. [Exit.

Tho. O heaven ! abroad ? what light ! a harlot too !
Why ? why ? hark you, hath she, hath she not a brother ?
A brother's house to keep, to look unto ?
But she must fling abroad, my wife hath spoil'd her,
She takes right after her, she does, she does,

Well, you goody bawd and [Enter COB.

That make your husband such a hoddy-dodcly;
And you, young apple squire, and old cuckold-maker,
I'll have you every one before the Doctor,
Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go.

Every Man in His Humour 49

Lor. se. Marry, with all my heart, I'll go willingly: how have I
wrong'd myself in coming here.

Bia. Go with thee? I'll go with thee to thy shame, I warrant

Cob. Why, what's the matter ? what's here to do ?

Tho. What, Cob, art thou here ? oh, I am abused,
And in thy house, was never man so wrong'd.

Cob. 'Slid, in my house? who wrong'd you in my house?

Tho. Marry, young lust in old, and old in young here,
Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken them.

Cob. Do you hear ? did I not charge you keep your doors shut
here, and do you let them lie open for all comers, do you scratch ?

[Cob beats his u'ifr.

Lor. se. Friend, have patience; if she have done wrong in this,
let her answer it afore the Magistrate.

Cob. Ay, come, you shall go afore the Doctor.

Tib. Nay, I will go, I'll see an you may be allowed to beat your
poor wife thus at every cuckoldly knave's pleasure, the devil and
the pox take you all for me: why do you not go now ?

Tho. A bitter quean, come, we'll have you tamed. [Exeunt.

Enter Musco alone.

Mus. Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself,
being in this varlet's suit, a man of my present profession never
counterfeits till he lay hold upon a debtor, and says he rests him,
for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little
kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young
artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself, well, 1
know not what danger I undergo by this exploit, pray God I come
well off. [Enter BOBADILLA and MATIIEO.

Mat. See, I think yonder is the varlet.

Bob. Let's go in quest of him.

Mat. God save you, friend, are not you here by the appointment
of Doctor Clement's man?

Mus. Yes, an't please you, sir; he told me two gentlemen had
uill'd him to procure an arrest upon one Signior Giuliano by a
warrant from his master, which I have about me.

Mat. It is honestly done of you both; and see where he comes
you must arrest; upon him, for God's sake, before he be 'ware.

Bob. Bear back, Matheo I \ h'ufrr STKI-HA.VO.

Mus. Signior Giuliano, I arrest you, sir, in the Duke's name.

Step. Signior Giuliano ! am I Signior Giuliano ? I am one
Siirnior Stephano, I tell you, and you do not well, by God's lid, to
arrest me, I tell you truly; I am not in your master's book-, I
would you should well know; ay, and a plague of God on you for
making me afraid thus.

.l/'/v. Why, how are you deceived, gentlemen?

Bob. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us,
But see, here a comes, officer, this is he. [ l-^il^r (iin r\\o.

Giu. Why, how now, signior gull: are you a turn'd lilrher of
late? come, deliver my cloak.

50 Ben Jonson's Plays

Step. Your cloak, sir ? I bought it even now in the market.

Mus. Signior Giuliano, I must arrest you, sir.

Giu. Arrest me, sir, at whose suit ?

M us. At these two gentlemen's.

Giu. I obey thee, varlet; but for these villains

Mus. Keep the peace, I charge you, sir, in the Duke's name, sir.

Giu. What's the matter, varlet ?

Mus. You must go before master Doctor Clement, sir, to answer
what these gentlemen will object against you, hark you, sir, I will
use you kindly.

Mat. We'll be even with you, sir, come, Signior Bobadilla, we'll
go before and prepare the Doctor: varlet, look to him.

[Exeunt Bobadilla and Matheo.

Bob. The varlet is a tall man, by Jesu.

Giu. Away, you rascals, Signior, I shall have my cloak.

Step. Your cloak ? I say once again, I bought it, and I'll keep it.

Giu. You will keep it ?

Step. Ay, that I will.

Giu. Varlet, stay, here's thy fee, arrest him.

Mus. Signior Stephano, I arrest you.

Step. Arrest me! there, take your cloak: I'll none of it.

Giu. Nay, that shall not serve your turn, varlet, bring him away,
I'll go with thee now to the Doctor's, and carry him along.

Step. Why, is not here your cloak ? what would you have ?

Giu. I care not for that.

Mus. I pray you, sir.

Giu. Never talk of it ; I will have him answer it.

Mus. Well, sir, then I'll leave you, I'll take this gentleman's
word for his appearance, as I have done yours.

Giu. Tut, I'll have no words taken, bring him along to answer it.

Mus. Good sir, I pity the gentleman's case, here's your money

Giu. God's bread, tell not me of my money, bring him away,
I say.

Mus. I warrant you, he will go with you of himself.

Giu. Yet more ado ?

Mii. I have made a fair mash of it.

Step. Must I go? [Exeunt.

Piso, TIB, a Servant or two of the Doctor's.

Clem. Nay, but stay, stay, give me leave; my chair, sirrah;
you, Signior Lorenzo, say you went thither to meet your son.

Lor. se. Ay, sir.

Clem. But who directed you thither ?

Lor. se. That did my man, sir.

Clem. Where is he ?

Lor. se. Nay, I know not now, I left him with your clerk,
And appointed him to stay here for me.

Clem. About what time was this ?

Every Man in His Humour 51

Lor. se. Marry, between one and two, as I take it.

Clem. So, what time came my man with the message to you,
Signior Thorello ?

Tho. After two, sir.

Clem. Very good, but, lady, how that you were at Cob's, ha ?

Bia. An't please you, sir, I'll tell you: my brother Prospero
told me that Cob's house was a suspected place.

Clem. So it appears, methinks; but on.

Bia. And that my husband used thither daily.

Clem. No matter, so he use himself well.

Bia. True, sir, but you know what grows by such haunts often-

Clem. Ay, rank fruits of a jealous brain, lady: but did you find
your husband there in that case, as you suspected?

Tho. I found her there, sir.

Clem. Did you so? that alters the case; who gave you know-
ledge of your wife's being there ?

Tho. Marry, that did my brother Prospero.

Clem. How, Prospero first tell her, then tell you after ? Where
is Prospero ?

Tho. Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither.

Clem. Why, this is a mere trick, a device; you are gulled in this
most grossly: alas, poor wench, wert thou beaten for this? how
now, sirrah, what's the matter? [Enter one of the Doctor's men.

Ser. Sir, there's a gentleman in the court without desires to speak
with your worship.

Clem. A gentleman? what's he?

Ser. A soldier, sir, he sayeth.

Clem. A soldier? fetch me my armour, my sword, quickly; a
soldier speak with me, why, when, knaves ? come on, come on, hold
my cap there, so; give me my gorget, my sword; stand by, I
will end your matters anon; let the soldier enter, now, sir, what
have you to say to me? [Enter BOBADILLA and MATHEO.

Bob. By your worship's favour.

Clem. Nay, keep out, sir, I know not your pretence, you send
me word, sir, you are a soldier, why, sir, you shall be answered
here, here be them have been amongst soldiers. Sir, your pleasure.

Bob. Faith, sir, so it is: this gentleman and myself have been
most violently wronged by one Signior Giuliano: a gallant of the
city here; and for my own part, I protest, being a man in no sort
given to this filthy humour of quarrelling, he hath assaulted me in
the way of my peace, despoiled me of mine honour, disarmed me
of my weapons, and beaten me in the open streets: when 1 not so
muoh as once offered to resist him.

Clem. Oh, God's precious, is this the soldier? hero, take my
armour quickly, 'twill make him swoon, I fY-ur; lie is nut lit to look
on't that will put up a blow. \Kntrr Servant.

Mat. An't please vour worship, ho wa^ bound to the peace.

('!< in. \Vhv, an he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were

52 Ben Jonson's Plays

Ser. There is one of the varlets of the city has brought two
gentlemen here upon arrest, sir.

Clem. Bid him come in, set by the picture.


Now, sir, what! Signior Giuliano? is't you that are arrested at
signior fresh water's suit here ?

Giu. I'faith, master Doctor, and here's another brought at my

Clem. What are you, sir?

Step. A gentleman, sir; oh, uncle?

Clem. Uncle ? who, Lorenzo ?

Lor. se. Ay, sir.

Step. God's my witness, my uncle, I am wrong'd here monstrously ;
he chargeth me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never
stir, if I did not find it in the street by chance.

Giu. Oh, did you find it now ? you said you bought it erewhile.

Step. And you said I stole it, nay, now my uncle is here I care not.

Clem. Well, let this breathe awhile; you that have cause to
complain there, stand forth; had you a warrant for this arrest?

Bob. Ay, an't please your worship.

Clem. Nay, do not speak in passion so, where had you it ?

Bob. Of your clerk, sir.

Clem. That's well, an my clerk can make warrants, and my hand
not at them; where is the warrant ? varlet, have you it ?

Mus. No, sir, your worship's man bid me do it for these gentle-
men, and he would be my discharge.

Clem. Why, Signior Giuliano, are you such a novice to be arrested
and never see the warrant ?

Giu. Why, sir, he did not arrest me.

Clem. No ? how then ?

Giu. Marry, sir, he came to me and said he must arrest me, and
he would use me kindly, and so forth.

Clem. Oh, God's pity, was it so, sir? he must arrest you.
Give me my long sword there; help me off, so; come on, sir varlet,
I must cut off your legs, sirrah; nay, stand up, I'll use you kindly;
I must cut off your legs, I say.

Mus. Oh, good sir, I beseech you, nay, good master Doctor.
Oh, good sir.

Clem. I must do it; there is no remedy;
I must cut off your legs, sirrah.
I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must do it;
I must cut off your nose, I must cut off your head.

Mus. Oh, for God's sake, good master Doctor.

Clem. Well, rise; how dost thou now? dost thou feel thyself
well ? hast thou no harm ?

M us. No, I thank God, sir, and your good worship.

Clem. Why so ? I said I must cut off thy legs, and I must cut off
thy arms, and I must cut off thy head; but I did not do it so:
you said you must arrest this gentleman, but you did not arrest
him, you knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must arrest^

Every Man in His Humour 53

sirrah? away with him to the jail, I'll teach you a trick for your

Mus. Good master Doctor, I beseech you be good to me.

Clem. Marry o' God: away with him, I say.

Mus. Nay, 'sblood, before I go to prison, I'll put on my old
brazen face, and disclaim in my vocation: I'll discover, that's flat,
an I be committed, it shall be for the committing of more villainies
than this, hang me an I lose the least grain of my fame.

Clem. Why? when, knave? by God's marry, I'll clap thee by
the heels too.

M us. Hold, hold, I pray you.

Clem. What's the matter? stay there.

Mus. Faith, sir, afore I go to this house of bondage, I have a
case to unfold to your worship: which (that it may appear more
plain unto your worship's view) I do thus first of all uncase, and
appear in mine own proper nature, servant to this gentleman: and
known by the name of Musco.

Lor. se. Ha, Musco !

Step. Oh, uncle, Musco has been with my cousin and I all this day.

Clem. Did not I tell you there was some device ?

Mus. Nay, good master Doctor, since I have laid myself thus
open to your worship, now stand strong for me, till the progress of
my tale be ended, and then if my wit do not deserve your coun-
tenance, 'slight, throw it on a dog, and let me go hang myself.

Clem. Body of me, a merry knave, give me a bowl of sack,
Signior Lorenzo, I bespeak your patience in particular, marry, your
ears in general, here, knave, Doctor Clement drinks to thee.

Mus. I pledge master Doctor an't were a sea to the bottom.

Clem. Fill his bowl for that, fill his bowl: so, now speak freely.

Mus. Indeed, this is it will make a man speak freely. But to the
point, know then that I, Musco, (being somewhat more trusted of
my master than reason required, and knowing his intent to Florence,)
did assume the habit of a poor soldier in wants, and minding by
some means to intercept his journey in the midway, 'twixt the
grange and the city, I encountered him, where begging of him in
the most accomplished and true garb, (as they term it) contrary to
all expectation, he reclaimed me from that bad course of life;
entertained me into his service, employed me in his business,
possest me with his secrets, which I no sooner had received, but
(seeking my young master, and finding him at this gentleman's
house) I revealed all most amply: this done, by the device of
Signior Prospero and him together, I returned (as the raven did to
the ark) to mine old master again, told him he should find his s<m
in what manner he knows, at one CW/.s house, where indeed he
never meant to come; now my master, he to maintain the jest.
went thither, and left me with your worship's clerk, who, being of
a most fine supple disposition, (as most of your clerks are) pmlTers
me the wine, which I had the grace to accept very easily, and to
the tavern we went: there after much ceremony, I made him drunk
in kindness, stript him to his shirt, and leaving him in that co,,l

54 Ben Jonson's Plays

vein, departed, frolick, courtier -like, having obtained a suit: which
suit fitting me exceedingly well, I put on, and usurping your man's
phrase and action, carried a message to Signior Thorello in your
name; which message was merely devised but to procure his
absence, while Signior Prospero might make a conveyance of
Hesperida to my master.

Clem. Stay, fill me the bowl again, here; 'twere pity of his life
would not cherish such a spirit: I drink to thee, fill him wine,
why, now do you perceive the trick of it ?

Tho. Ay, ay, perceive well we were all abused.

Lor. se. Well, what remedy ?

Clem. Where is Lorenzo and Prospero, canst thou tell ?

M us. Ay, sir, they are at supper at the Mermaid, where I left your

Clem. Sirrah, go warn them hither presently before me, and if
the hour of your fellow's resurrection be come, bring him too. But
forward, forward, when thou hast been at Thorello' s. [Exit Servant.

Mus. Marry, sir, coming along the street, these two gentlemen
meet me, and very strongly supposing me to be your worship's
scribe, entreated me to procure them a warrant for the arrest of
Siguior Giuliano, I promised them, upon some pair of silk stockings
or a jewel, or so, to do it, and to get a varlet of the city to serve
it, which varlet I appointed should meet them upon the Realto at
such an hour, they no sooner gone, but I, in a mere hope of more
gain by Signior Giuliano, went to one of Satan's old ingles, a broker,
and there pawned your man's livery for a varlet's suit, which here,
with myself, I offer unto your worship's consideration.

Clem. Well, give me thy hand; Proh. superi ingenium magnum
quis noscit Homerum. Illias ceternum si latuisset opus ? I admire
thee, I honour thee, and if thy master or any man here be angry
with thee, I shall suspect his wit while I know him for it: do you
hear, Signior Thorello, Signior Lorenzo, and the rest of my good
friends, I pray you let me have peace when they come, I have sent
for the two gallants and Hesperida, God's marry, I must have
you, friends, how now ? what noise is there ?

Enter Servant, then PETO.

Ser. Sir, it is Peto is come home.

Clem. Peto, bring him hither, bring him hither, what, how
now, signior drunkard, in arms against me, ha? your reason,
your reason for this.

Pet. I beseech your worship to pardon me.

Clem. Well, sirrah, tell him I do pardon him.

Pet. Truly, sir, I did happen into bad company by chance, and
they cast me in a sleep and stript me of all my clothes.

Clem. Tut, this is not to the purpose touching your armour, what
might your armour signify ?

Pet. Marry, sir, it hung in the room where they stript me, and I
borrowed it of one of the drawers, now in the evening, to come home-
in, because I was loth to come through the street in my shirt.

Every Man in His Humour 55


Clem. Well, disarm him, but it's no matter, let him stand by:
who be these? oh, young gallants; welcome, welcome, and you,
lady, nay, never scatter such amazed looks amongst us, Qui nil
potest sperare desperet nihil.

Pros. Faith, master Doctor, that's even I, my hopes are small,
and my despair shall be as little. Brother, sister, brother, what,
cloudy, cloudy? and will no sunshine on these looks appear? well,
since there is such a tempest toward, I'll be the porpoise, I'll dance:
wench, be of good cheer, thou hast a cloak for the rain yet, where
is he? 'Sheart, how now, the picture of the prodigal, go to,
I'll have the calf drest for you at my charges.

Lor. se. Well, son Lorenzo, this day's work of yours hath much
deceived my hopes, troubled my peace, and stretch'd my patience
further than became the spirit of duty.

Clem. Nay, God's pity, Signior Lorenzo, you shall urge it no more:
come, since you are here, I'll have the disposing of all, but first,
Signior Giuliano, at my request take your cloak again.

Giu. Well, sir, I am content.

Clem. Stay, now let me see, oh, signior snow-liver, I had almost
forgotten him, and your Genius there, what, doth he suffer for a
good conscience too? doth he bear his cross with patience?

Mus. Nay, they have scarce one cross between them both to bear.

Clem. Why, dost thou know him ? what is he ? what is he ?

Mus. Marry, search his pocket, sir, and he'll shew you he is an
author, sir.

Clem. Die mihi musa virum: are you an author, sir? jrive me
leave a little, come on, sir, I'll make verses with you now in honour
of the gods and the goddesses for what you dare extempore; and
now I begin.

Mount thee my Phlegon muse, and testify,

How Saturn sitting in an ebon cloud,
Disrobed his podex, white as ivory,

And through the welkin thundered all aloud.
There's for you, sir.

Pros. Oh, he writes not in that height of style.

Clem. No: we'll come a step or two lower then.
From Catadupa and the banks of Xile,
Where only breeds your monstrous crocodile,
Now are we purposed for to fetch our style.

Pros. Oh, too far-fetch'd for him still, master Doctor.

Clem. Ay, say you so? let's intreat a sL'ht of his vein then.

Pros. Signior, master Doctor desires to see a sight of your vrin,
nay, you must not deny him.

Clem. What, all this verse, body of me, ho carries a \\holr
realm; a commonwealth of paper in his hose, let's sci- sonic of his

Unto the boundless ocean of thy beauty.

Runs this poor river, charged with streams ofz>-<i!.

56 Ben Jonson's Plays

Returning tliee the tribute of my duty:

Which here my youth, my plaints, my love reveal.
Good ! is this your own invention ?

Mat. Xo, sir, I translated that out of a book, called Delia.

Clem. Oh, but I would see some of your own, some of your own.

Mat. Sir. here's the beginning of a sonnet I made to my mistress.

Clem. That, that: who? to Madonna Hesperida, is she your
mistress ?

Pros. It pleaseth him to call her so, sir.

Clem. In summer time, when Phcebus' golden rays.
You translated this too, did you not ?

Pros. Xo, this is invention; he found it in a ballad.

Mat. Faith, sir, I had most of the conceit of it out of a ballad

Clem. Conceit, fetch me a couple of torches, sirrah,
I may see the conceit: quickly 1 it's very dark!

Giu. Call you this poetry ?

Lor. ju. Poetry? nay, then call blasphemy, religion;
Call devils, angels; and sin, piety:
Let all things be preposterously transchanged.

Lor. se. Why, how now, son ! what, are you startled now ?
Hath the brize prick'd you, ha? go to; you see
How abjectly your poetry is rank'd in general opinion.

Lor. ju,. Opinion, God, let gross opinion sink and be damn'd
As deep as Barathrum,

If it may stand with your most wish'd content,
I can refell opinion and approve
The state of poesy, such as it is,
Blessed, eternal, and most true divine:
Indeed, if you will look on Poesy
As she appears in many, poor and lame.
Patch'd up in remnants and old worn rags,
Half starved for want of her peculiar food:
Sacred invention, then I must confirm
Both your conceit and censure of her merit,
But view her in her glorious ornaments,
Attired in the majesty of art,
Set high in spirit, with the precious taste
Of sweet philosophy, and which is most,
Crown' d with the rich traditions of a soul
That hates to have her dignity profaned

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