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WAGON




807.73

T212L



Taylor, B. L.



-



Log of the water
wagon



807.73

T212L



6978



Taylor, B. L.

Log of the water*
wagon



THE LOG

OF
THE WATER WAGON



This is an unlimited edition, of
which this copy is No. 69,850.

If you wish a higher number, your
bookseller will gladly supply you.



. m 4-4



THE ORIGINAL WATER WAGON






BERT LESTON TAMLOR

and W.C.GIBSON



ILLUSTRATIONS hy
L.M.GLACKENS




PUBLISHED BY

H.M.CALDWELL CO. BOSTON



Copyright, 1905
BY H. M. CALDWELL Co




COLONIAL PRESS

Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Sitnonds <V Co.
Boston, U.S.A.




\ 1 J I



WATER.WAGON



FOREWORD



If you don't like this book, write
to the authors about it. Don't
bother the publishers: they are
too busy selling it.




WATER-WAGON
IP





To all surviving saloon passen-
gers of the good ship Lithia, who
have rounded the Horn and passed
through perilous Beering Straits,
and suffered shipwreck, shock, and
sudden thirst: to those intrepid
souls who have clung to the slippery
hull of the Water Wagon when it
seemed the gallant craft could
not live another hour; who, lashed
to the sprinkler, have ridden out
many a choking dust-storm; who
have heard the cafe Lorelei sing,
and still hung on, deaf to her se-
ductive song: and









LOG OF



To the memory of countless
thousands lost at sea, swept into the
seething drink without a word of
> warning, cut off in the blossoms of
their resolutions, and sent to their
slate accounts with all their im-
perfections on their heads

This little volume is affectionately
dedicated.








WATER-WAGON

if



EDITORS' NOTE





The Log of the Water Wagon
was compiled from memoranda
found in a floating milk-bottle with
a patent stopper, flung overboard
just before the good ship " Lithia "
foundered in a fearful simoom off
White Rock Point. The notes, pen-
cilled in a trembling hand, on the
backs of blank temperance pledges,
I O U's, and wine-lists, were barely





LOG OF THE*

4




legible, testifying to the fearful con-
dition of the unknown writer's
tongue, manifestly incapable of
moistening the pencil.

With the notes were enclosed a
Water Wagon folder, showing itin-
erary, rules and regulations, points
of interest touched at, etc., a frag-
ment of a clipping from the New
York Sun, and sundry moral re-
flections upon life, liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness.

The editors have preserved, as far
as possible, the spirit and literary
style of the Log-keeper, whose
identity is an interesting conjecture.
His fate, and that of his fellow
passengers, is shrouded in mystery.









TABLE OF CONTENTS



FOR OTHER CONTENTS
SEE BODY OF BOOK




THE SUN,



ith
r of
and
,half

talk

jpart-

.burg,

Stern-

stary

osion

iter-

etail

but

the

to

tof

the

ny

lu-
ll.
*,

s-

3-

l



THE WATER WAGON DEPARTS.

GOOD SHIP LITHIA HEAVIL Y
LOADED SAILS ON CRUISE.



lo-



io

in
plo-
ilief

ar-
ling



Fresh from the drydock, glistening in
new white paint, her blue streamers snap-
ping in the breeze, loaded to the limit with
mthusiastic and babbling passengers, the
Water Wagon left last night on another
perilous voyage. A tremendous crowd was
aresent to see her off. The surging mass of
well-wishers included relatives and friends
of the passengers, a large delegation from
the International Federation of Mineral
Water Bottlers, and representatives from
the W. C. T. U., Band of Hope, Never
A^ain League, and other dusty associations.
'The farewell presents to the passengers
were unusually numerous. These included
hot-water bags with "Bon Voyage" hand-
painted on them, silver bonbon boxe;
containing soda mint and lithia tablets, in
dividual cut-glass bromo-seltzer bottles,
water lilies, watermelons, and other fruits
and flowers.

Just before the hour for sailing happy
little speeches were made by the Superm
tendent of the Water Works, the Commis-
sioner of Irrigation, and the Hon. Bromo b
Emerson, of Baltimore, whose sizzling ora-
tory was received with terrific applause.

Promptly at midnight a bottle of sarsa
parilla was broken on the Lithia' s sprinkler
the gang-hose was uncoupled and haulet
aboard, and the Water Wagon glided grace
fully away from her moorings.

A score or more of belated passenger
came straggling down the pier, and finding



LOG OF THE

*




GENERAL INFORMATION





In making reservations, the pas-
senger's real name, not the station-
house name, must be given, in full.
All " John Smiths " will be regarded
with suspicion, and must be satis-
factorily identified.

Seats as well as berths will be
assigned for the entire voyage.
For a few choice seats next the
water-cooler a small additional fee
will be asked.

No life-preservers will be found
in staterooms. Do not ask for them.

No " bundles " will be allowed in
staterooms, nor allowed to lie
around the decks.

Excellent concerts will be ren-
16





WATER.WAGON




dered every evening in the main
saloon by the Band of Hope. A
select library will be found in the
smoking room. Water-marked sta-
tionery is also at the disposal of all
first-class passengers.

Don't try to get on the Wagon
while it is in motion. It is the
Captain's business to stop for loads.
If he does not stop when flagged,
you will know he is full.

When rounding the sharp curve
at the Pousse Cafe, passengers are
cautioned to hold fast.

Passengers feeling their anchors
dragging, and seized with a sudden
desire to leap from the Wagon,
should apply to purser for para-
chutes.

Stop-overs will be allowed at
Vichy Springs, Delaware Water
Gap, and Waterbury only.







No transfers given on transfers.

Passengers losing any of their
wheels will find them in the wheel-
house.

No rain-checks will be given out.
This is a dry cruise.

Buy a round-trip ticket and save
money.

All mail received en route will be
read aloud by the steward at sunset.

SPECIAL INFORMATION.
In looking toward the bow of the
vessel, the left-hand side is port.
The right-hand is sherry.




18




WATER. WAGON








LOG OF

riA




Hitch your wagon to a star. If
it's the Water Wagon, tie it to the
Great Dipper. Emerson.



I often wonder where the old moons

g

After they once get full and dis-
appear.

Do they, I wonder, pilot to and fro
The men who 'quit the Wagon
year by year?

Copernicus.





WATER. WAGON




NOTE. The writer of this record, being
the only sober passenger aboard the Good
Ship " Lithia," has been requested by the
Captain to keep the Log. The Captain
kindly explains that a log is a thing in
which you put down the daily occurrences
on board ship. I have kept a dog, and a
valet, and a thirst, and other things, but
a log is sure a new proposition. But, dash
my tarry toplights, here goes. Avast there,
my hearties ! Yeo-heave-ho ! Yo-ho !

At midnight we left the Bar, and
got under way, with a big tide and
the wind souse-souse-east and piping
free.




Everybody aboard, barring the
' / writer, is thoroughly saturated. I
/ counted fifty - seven varieties of
pickle.






LOG OF THE




Later. It seems I was mistaken
about having left the Bar. The
Captain announces through the
ventilator that he is stuck on the
Bar. Loud cheers from the passen-
gers, and cries of, " So say we all
of us!"



Lightened ship by throwing over-
board two bales of temperance
pledges and ten cases of sarsaparilla.
The Captain announces that we are
off the Bar. Groans.




I am suspicious of the pilot. He
hasn't flashed a single pilot-biscuit
since he came aboard.



22




m ~*K~JF *<i> * ^^^X ^*^i^*^^- t-fl

WATER. WAGONS

. A *- J '.^




First Day



The Lithia is reeling off eight
knots an hour. Wind still souse-
souse-east and piping free. Weather
so-so.



The passengers, misled by the
name, are in the saloon, calling
loudly for drinks and hammering
on the tables. The Captain an-
nounces through the ventilator that
he will turn the hose on them.
Cheers, and cries of " Louder ! "





The uproar in the saloon con-
tinues. An entertainer is giving a
realistic imitation of a man mixing
a cocktail. Tremendous applause,

2 3





LQG OF THE<




and shouts of " Great, old man ! "
A young water curate has volun-
teered to go among the noisy pirates
*and try to soothe them.



Later. The water curate has
been thrown down the companion-
way.



Loud splash on the starboard side.
We have dropped the pilot.



The Captain has ordered the First \
Mate to take the wheel. The Mate




is in the saloon, bound hand and
foot, and the passengers are sing-




WATER. WAGON

if



ing " How Can I Bear to Leave
Thee." The Lithia is going around
in a circle.




The Mate has been rescued, and
has laid a course for Carbonic Light.
I asked him if a mate's wife is called
a room-mate. He said he didn't
know, but the midshipmite.




The Captain has just taken sound-
ings, but reports that he can't hear
a thing. So much noise in the
saloon.



Tom Ginn, the noisiest of the
bunch, has been put in irons for

25





LOG OF TH




demanding an old-fashioned cock-
'tail and inciting the passengers to
mutiny. The clanking of his chains
is having a quieting effect on the
other pirates.



3 A. M. Passed the trim little
craft Coryphee, homeward bound,
loaded with lobsters and champagne.
Wigwagged to her that her star-
board light was out and that her
hair was coming down. She sig-
nalled back, " On your way."



Ran afoul of a fleet of full-rigged
Johnnies, stuck on Shanley's oyster-
beds. Offered to take them aboard



26





'WATER-WAGON
&==




the Wagon, but they vociferously
refused. Said they'd just got off
one.



The Captain took the Sun as soon
as it came out, and reported that
we were a hell of a way from the
Equator.



Passed a ragtime whistling buoy.





Hennessy Martel, an amateur An-
cient Mariner, got into the calcium
for a minute by trying to shoot a
nighthawk, claiming it was an alba-
tross. The Captain gave him the
water cure.



27





LOG OF




Spoke a tramp tank steamer, Red V
Booze Line, Captain Handout.
" Ahoy ! What ship is that? " hailed
Captain Handout. "The Water
Wagon," I replied through the Cap-
tain's megaphone. " Keep off ! " he
yelled, and crowded on all sail.



Shipped a heavy swell rolling in
from the Faro Banks.




Eight bells and all's well.



cntietl) tfje first fcap of tlje crtttee.



28




'WATER.WAGON
=*===




BAGGAGE REGULATIONS




Each full ticket entitles passenger
to one load. A load and a hang-over
will be charged as excess baggage.

All baggage must be checked by
our regular inspector before de-
parture. Contraband baggage, such
as bottled cocktails, case goods,
whiskey capsules, brandied cherries,
etc., will be confiscated.

ANIMALS, BIRDS, AND OTHER PETS

will not be allowed on the main
wagon, nor allowed to run alongside.
All such must be put in charge
of the steward, who will tag them
and place them in a trailer, where
they will be fed and cared for, an






LOG OF TH





permitted to drink out of the trough
of the sea.

All animals will be returned to
owners at end of voyage; or, if
desired, the steward will send them
to any designated circus or men-
agerie.

No passenger will be allowed
more than three purple monkeys or
two dozen red, white, and blue
snakes. No magenta elephant weigh-
ing more than twenty tons will be
received in the trailer, as the ac-
commodations are limited. No mas-
todons of any colour will be ac-
cepted.

The management will not be
responsible for any accident or
change of colour these pets may
undergo. We cannot guarantee fast
colours.




'WATER.WAGON

f^T^F aei =^ &



Striped mice, polka-dot lizards,
r$*A Scotch-plaid guinea-pigs, and other
/I* small animals, and all perishable

buggage, will be carried at owner's

risk.







LOG OF THE




THE WATER WAGON ..
BAND



Every evening in the main saloon,
from 8 to 10, our own Band of Hope
will discourse the following musical
favourites :

"Drink to Me Only with Thine

Eyes."

" Wait for the Wagon."
" The Old Oaken Bucket."
" Father, Dear Father."
" Down by the River."
" When the Swallows Homeward

Fly."




NOTE. Any attention on the part
of the audience will be appreciated by the
'andmastcr.

3 2




WATER-WAGON

if



ITINERARY



8 bells

6 bells

3 bells

4 bells

7 bells
2 bells

8 bells
i bell

5 bells





Leave the Bar
Pass Rye Beach ....
Off the Faro Banks . . .
Near High Ballston Spa
Arrive Vichy Springs . .
Weather Cape Casegoods .
Nearing Prohibition Park
Arrive Delaware Water Gap
Pass Croton Reservoir . .
Round Apollinaris Bot-
tling Works

Weather White Rock Point
Arrive at Waterbury . .



6 bells
4 bells
8 bells



The management reserves the right
change the itinerary at any old
bell time.
33



to





LOG OF



Big Heads
My Specialty




NUTT
The Square Hatter'*

132 1-2 WATER STREET



Any Size
Head Fitted w*~




Ask to see my Adjustable, Telescopic
Noiseless Hats. (Patent Pending.) Just
the thing for the Water Wagon. No
springs or metal used. Will expand or
contract as conditions require. Space in
sweat-band for cracked ice. Money re-
funded if we don't make good.

Stretching done at your own home the
morning after.

Telephone, Derby 8 3-4

"You get the Head, and we'
put a Lid on it"




WATER-WAGON




Most of the gold-cures are only
plated, and it soon wears off.
Keeley.




Men's evil manners live in rum.
Their virtues we write in water.
Shakespeare.





^



LOG



Second Day



The morning opened on a full
house, and everybody stayed in
bed. Barometer throbbing fever-
ishly, indicating a long dry spell.



The breakfast-gong was sounded
by the Steward, but not a soul made
a move. Cries of " Lynch him ! "
from the staterooms.




The Captain has been looking over
the Log, and says I keep it like a
butcher's book. I told him to keep
it himself if he didn't like it.



ii A. M. The Steward got every-
body on deck by turning in a still

37






LOG OF THF

=aft *&$=



Second Day



alarm that the next round was on
the house. The push dressed like a
commuter making the 8.13 train.
Everybody voted it a dirty trick.



11.30 A. M. Tied up at Water
Tank No. i, and took on fifty cases
of lemon soda and sarsaparilla, and
a case of malted milk for Moxie
Matzoon, alias Moxie Grandpa,
a stowaway, who was discovered
soon after we cleared the Bar. He
is suspected of being the staff cor-
respondent of the Weekly Water
Cooler. He doesn't seem to be pop-
ular.





12.30 P. M. The Captain took



38




WATER.WAGON




Second Day



r?V a lunar observation, and reported
that we were in latitude 58: 12 W.
from Greenwich, Conn. I asked
him how he managed to observe the
moon in the middle of the day, and
he referred me to the Information
Bureau. Crusty old chap.



Whale sighted. He was blowing
his friends. Cheers from the water-
proof deck, and cries of " I'll take
the same ! "





At 3 P. M. mutiny broke out
/among the passengers, but it was
quelled by the Captain with his
trusty little marlingspike. Doctor



39




Zcolak, the ship's surgeon, diag-
1 nosed the case as thirst, not mutiny.





The undertow of dissatisfaction
among the passengers continues.
Hennessy iMartel called a mass-
meeting on the port side, and the
Wagon almost turned turtle. " Trim
ship ! " commanded the Captain
from the bridge, and Eggley Mo-
nade, who is a regular wag, asked
him if he thought we were a bunch
of dressmakers.



Passed the Can Buoy on Wurz-
burger Shoals. Some of the boys
started to rush it.




40




WATER-WAGON
&=




Loan sharks have been following
the Lithia all day. The Mate says
this is a sign that there's a dead one
on board. Jim Sling says there will
be one, all right, if he doesn't fall
off pretty soon. Jim is a sore pup.



Just before 6 P. M. the Lithia
sprung a leak, and we lost consid-
erable water. Something has also
happened to the hydraulic engines,
and the Captain has given orders to
let go the dope-sheet.





A round-robin has been sent to
the Captain, requesting him to touch






at the Aquarium, for a look at the /*(
* \

Hanks.




LOG OF TH




The crew held a First Aid to the
Foolish drill, and were instructed
what to do in case a passenger at-
tempts to fall off the Wagon.




Guinness Stout and the Count of
Maraschino had a hot argument over
the meaning of "load water line,"
the Count maintaining that there
was no such thing. They appealed
to the Captain, who told them they
were both wrong, and that A wins
the box of fudge.

42




'WATER. WAGON

;&-* &=




The water-cooler has been emp-
tied four times since noon, and the
boys are now eating the ice. The
Captain has put everybody on quar-
ter rations, and the Steward is
serving cracked ice in capsules, only
one to a customer.



Tom Ginn has again been put in
irons for demanding an Angora
pousse cafe.





No casualties to date, barring one
passenger, name unknown, who was
badly punctured by stepping on a
starboard tack.



43




-




LOG OF TH




Shortly before midnight a mix-up
'of red and green lights off the
weather bow had the Captain going
for a minute. It turned out to be a
cut-rate drug-store.



12 P. M. The decks were
swabbed with Apollinaris; the In-
gersol night-watch was wound up,
the cat put out and the back door
locked, and peace brooded over the
waters.



tlje scconfc lap of tfje cttttae.





WATER-WAGON




THE WIFE'S MORNING
AFTER




He "The boys had a rattling
time at our house last night."

She (surveying the mess)
" Empty beer-bottles, nearly empty
whiskey-bottle, half-empty glasses,
empty siphons, distorted corks, frag-
ments of sandwiches, remnants of
cheese, crumbled crackers, fugitive
olive - pits, beer - stained doilies,
stream from recumbent catsup-bot-
tle meandering across Aunt Mar-
tha's embroidered centrepiece, cigar
and cigarette stubs in salad-bowl
over all a Vesuvian deposit of ashes.
And breakfast only twenty minutes
away ! "

45





LOG OF THE



FIRST AID TO THE
INJURED




In case of a fall from the Water
Wagon, prompt action will often
save the victim.

While the life-line is being cast
and the breeches-buoy rigged, lay
the sufferer on his back and spray
him thoroughly with a siphon of
carbonic until signs of conscious-
ness appear. In the majority of
cases his first words will be : " Make
mine a rye highball." You will
then repeat the siphon treatment,^
at the same time making a few
passes over him and reciting monot-
onously in his ear : " Water, water
46






everywhere, and not a drop
drink."

Usually this will produce a condi-
tion in which the breeches-buoy can
be quickly adjusted and the sufferer
hauled back on the Wagon. If it
fails, work his arms up and down
like pump-handles, and exclaim in
threatening tones : " Your wife is
coming back on the 5.03 train." If
his eyes remain glazed and his
struggles continue, add harshly;
" She telegraphs that Mother is
coming with her." Complete coma
should result. If not, it can be in-
duced by tactfully whispering:
" The next round is on the house."
This has never failed.

The breeches-buoy may now be
attached and the sufferer snaked



47






LOG OF
==*===




aboard the Wagon and lashed to the'
tank.

During his convalescence a friend **?
should be constantly at his side,
reading to him the history of the
Johnstown flood. A single chapter
has worked wonders.






' WATER. WAGON
"===&=



THE WATER WAGON
LIBRARY




The following carefully selected
list of Books may be had by apply-
ing to any of the deck-hands. They
need not be returned.

"D'ri and I" (Batcheller).
"Many Waters" (Shackleford).
"The Desert" (White).
" Many Cargoes" (Jacobs).
" The Water Babies " (Kingsley).
"Ebb Tide" (Stevenson).
"Frenzied Frappes" (Lawson).
"The Two Van Revellers"
(Tankington).





49



LOG OF THE

Stop that
Merry - Go - Round ! !





Do things revolve when you retire ?
Does your room whirl like a fly-
wheel in a power-house ? Does your
trunk go by like the Twentieth
Century Limited? Do you feel
as if you were looping the loop ?
If so, you can flag the merry-go-round
with one of

Professor Bunn's

Patent Plugs for Pifflicated

People

One of these, inserted anywhere in
the wall, will bring things to a stand-
still, or, put in place before retiring,^
will insure a quiet night's rest.




ONT SLEEP LIKE ATOP!



WATER. WAGON

if







LOG OF THE



When you move from Brooklyn,
be sure to burn your bridge tickets
behind you. McKelway.




Treat, and the world drinks with
you; quit, and it leaves you alone.
Horace.





WATER-WAGON




Third Day



The morning opened clear and
extra dry. Big head winds. The'
Mate tried to take the Sun, but the
sky was cloudy, so he took the
Tribune.



Wind S.



The saloon sounds like a dog-
show. Everybody has a dry, hack-
ing cough.



Barometer extra brut.
W. and scorching.





The Steward, assisted by the
Ship's Valet, dusted off the tongues
of the passengers and sprayed them
with Blisterine. They were very

S3





LOG OF THE' 1

4 s




jX grateful, and a collection has been :
taken up to purchase a loving-cup
for him.




Spoke the brewery barge Bud-
weiser, outward bound, Captain
Umlaut. The Budweiser fired a
salute of four dozen bottles, not one
of which, unfortunately, reached the
Lithia's deck. In a heroic effort to
rescue a bottle, Tom Collins fell
overboard. He was picked up by
a fishing party, and when last seen
was eating the bait.



A blood-curdling screech has come
up through the ventilator, and the

54




ATER.WAGQN




Captain has gone below with a mar-
lingspike.



Later. The Captain has re-
turned. It seems that the Valet
scorched Hennessy Martel's tongue
trying to iron the wrinkles out of it.
The rest of us have decided on dry
massage for ours.





The Scotch-plaid guinea-pig threw
a lighted cigarette in some straw in
the trailer and started a fire. The
deck-hands turned on the sprinkler
and put it out. No great damage.
The purple pig had his Keeley-
cured hams smoked that's all.



55





LOG OF THE




Hennessy Mattel has got him-
'self disliked by nailing up in the
dining-cabin the following teasing
dinner-card :

Cocktails
Grapefruit soused with maraschino

Consomme with sherry
Fried skate Soused mackerel

Croute of pineapple with Madeira sauce
Leg of lamb, mint julep sauce

Roast ham, champagne sauce
Artillery punch
Venison, port wine sauce
Plum pudding with lots of brandy sauce

Rum omelette Buns

Brandied peaches Black coffee with cognac
Individual Turkish bath





'WATER.WAGON

===&=




At 3 P. M. we made Water Tank
No. 2. Catcalls and groans from
all on board.



Passed the Spit Buoy,
could.




Nobody



Turner Van Newleaf, one of the
most popular of the passengers, was
suddenly taken with water on the
brain. Doctor Zoolak bled him,
soaked him, and pulled his leg.
Poor Van Newleaf was compelled
to borrow enough money to finish
the cruise.




Some practical joker raised the
cry of "What'll you have?" The

57





LOG OF THE
*




panic that followed made a football
mix-up look like a procession of
choir-boys, and a dozen or more
passengers were lost from the
Wagon. Among those that fell were
Jim Rickey and Guinness Stout.



5 P. M. Sighted the Players'
Club. The Captain gave the Engi-
neer the jingle-bell, and we went
by the danger-point like a squirt
of seltzer.




The drouth in the saloon is in-
tolerable. The dry batteries that
run the fans have given out. Count
Martini has tossed his waterproof




'WATER.WAGON
===/ <f =




coat over the rail. He says there
is such a thing as being too dry.
The sentiment was wildly ap-
plauded.




Eggley Monade has been going
around asking the conundrum,
" Why is a port-hole like a chaser? "
Everybody gave it up, and he bor-
rowed the Captain's megaphone to
reply, " Because it's something on
the side." The Mate put a crimp in
him with a belaying-pin, and Doctor
Zoolak thinks that will hold him for
awhile.




At 5.30 P. M. we made Larch-
mont. The club-house piazza was

59





LOG OF THE''




crowded with gold braid, yachting-
caps, and booze. Wigwagged that
we were the Good Ship Lithia, and
they signalled back, " Look out for
floating mines." Most of the club
members grabbed their drinks and
fled to the cyclone cellars, but the
daredevils of the rocking-chair


1 3

Online LibraryBert Leston TaylorThe log of the water wagon, or, The cruise of the good ship Lithia → online text (page 1 of 3)