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of the tax-roll for 1888. In the cupola of the



HE SEES THE NAVY.

hip, where the wheel is located, there ia also ft
big brass compass about as large as the third
stomach of a cow. In this there is a little Index
or dingus, which always points towards the
north. That is all it has to do. On each side of
the compass is a large cannon ball so magnetized
or polarized or influenced as to overcome the
attraction of the needle for some desirable por
tion of the ship. There is also an index con
nected with the shaft whereby the man at the
wheel can ascertain tLe position of the shaft and
also ascertain at night whether the ship is
advancing or retreating a thing that he should
inform himself about at the earliest possible
moment.

The culinary arrangements on board these
ships would make many a hotel blush, and I
have paid $4 a day for a worse room than the
choky at the guard-house.

In the Navy-Yard at Brooklyn is the big iron
hull or running gears of an old ship of some
kind which the Eepublicans were in the habit
of hammering on for a few weeks prior to elec
tion every four years. Four years ago, through
an oversight, the workmen were not called off
nor informed of Blaine's defeat for several days
after the election.



* BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

The Democrats have an entirely different
hull in another part of the yard on which they
are hammering.

The keel blocks of a new cruiser, 375 feet long,
are just laid in the big ship-house at the Brook
lyn Navy- Yard. She will be a very airy and
cheerful boat, I judge, if the keel blocks are
anything to go by.

In closing this account I desire to state that I
hope I have avoided the inordinate use of ma
rine terms, as I desire to make myself perfectly
clear to the ordinary landsman, even at the ex
pense of beauty and style of description. I
would rather be thoroughly understood than
confuse the reader while exerting myself to
show my knowledge of terms. I also desire to
express my thanks to the United States Navy
for its kindness and consideration during my
visit. I could have been easily blown into space
half a dozen times without any opportunity to
blow back through the papers, had the navy so
desired, and yet nothing but terms of endear
ment passed between the navy and myself.

Lieut. Arthur P. Nazro, Chief Engineer Henry
B. Nones, Passed Assistant Engineer E. A. Ma-
gee, Capt. F. H. Harrington, of the United
States Marine Corps; Mr. Gus C. Boeder,



HE SEES TEE NAVY. 89

Apothecary Henry Wimmer and the dog Zib,
of the Eichmond; Master Shipwright McGee,
Capt. Miller, captain of the yard, and Mr. Milli-
gan, apothecary of the Atlanta, deserve hon
orable mention for coolness and heroic endur
ance while I was there.



/T\or^ about



, B.C. I have just returned
from a polite and recherche party here.
Washington is the hot-bed of gayety, and
general headquarters for the recherche business.
It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation
than the one I was just at, to use the words of a
gentleman who was there, and who asked me if
I wrote "The Heathen Chinee."

He was a very talented man, with a broad
sweep of skull and a vague yearning for some
thing more tangible to drink. He was in "Wash
ington, he said, in the interests of Mingo county.
I forgot to ask him where Mingo county might
be. He took a great interest in me, and talked
with me long after he really had anything to say.
He was one of those fluent conversationalists
frequently met with in society. He used one of
these web-perfecting talkers the kind that can
be led with raw Eoman punch and that will turn
out punctuated talk in links, like varnished sau
sages. Being a poor talker myself and rather



MOEE ABOUT WASHINGTON. 91

more fluent as a listener, I did not Interrupt him.

He said that he was sorry to notice how young
girls and their parents came to Washington as
they would to a matrimonial market.

I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to
know that young ladies should allow themselrea
to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it,
I asked, that matrimony should ever single out
the young and faft?

"Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!"

He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage
of the speckled geranium near by, and killed an
artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches.

"Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly
brought about. It breaks my heart, though, to
notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial
market. It seems to me almost as if these here
young ladies were brought here like slaves and
exposed for sale." I had noticed that they were
somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they
were for sale.

I asked him if the waists of party dresses had
always been so sadly in the minority, and ha
said they had.

I danced with a beautiful young lady whose
trail had evidently caught in a doorway. She
hadn't noticed it till she had walked out partially



92 BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

through her costume. I do not think a lady
ought to give too much thought to her apparel,
neither should she feel too much above her
clothes. I say this in the kindest spirit,
because I believe that man should be a
friend to woman. ]STo family circle is complete
without a woman. She is like a glad landscape
to the weary eye. Individually and collectively,
woman is a great adjunct of civilization and pro
gress. The electric light is a good thing, but
how pale and feeble it looks by the light of a
good woman's eyes. The telephone is i great
invention. It is a good thing to talk at and
murmur into and deposit profanity in. but to
take up a conversation and keep it up an<S follow
a man out through the front door with it, the
telephone has still much to learn from woman.

It is said that our government officials are not
sufficiently paid, and I presume that is the case,
so it became necessary to economize in every
way, but, why should wives concentrate all their
economy on the waist of a dress ? When chest
protectors are so cheap as they now are, I hate
to see people suffer, and there is more real suffer
ing, more privation and more destitution, per-
Yftding the Washington scapula and clavicle this
winter than I ever saw before.



MORE ABOUT WASHINGTON. 98

But I do not hope to change this custom,
though I spke to several ladies about it, and
asked them to think it over. I do not think
they will. It seems almost wicked to cut off the
best part of a dress and put it at the other end of
the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I
may say. They smiled good humoredly at me
as I tried to impress my views upon them, but
should I go there again next season and mingle
in the mad whirl of "Washington, where these
fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl,
I presume that I will find them clothed in the
same gaslight waist, with trimmings of real
vertebrae down the back.

Still, what does a man know about the proper
costume for woman ? He knows nothing what
ever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent.
"Why does a man frown on a certain costume
for his wife and admire it on the first woman
he meets ? Why does he fight shy of religion
and Christianity and talk very freely about th%
church, but get mad if his wife is an infidel?

Crops around Washington are looking well.
Winter wheat, crocusses and indefinite postpone
ments were never in a more thrifty condition.
Quite a number of people are here who are wait-
jng to be confirmed. Judging from their habits.



M BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

they are lingering around here in order to be
come confirmed drunkards.

I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet tow
el in my plug hat. Perhaps I should have said
nothing on this dress reform question while my
hat is fitting me so immediately. It is seldom
that I step aside from the beaten path of recti
tude, but last evening, on the way home, it
seemed to me that I didn't do much else but
atep aside. At these parties no charge is made
for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a col
ored man who stood near the punch bowl, and
who replenished it ever and anon, what the
damage was, and he drew himself up to his full
height.

Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a bur
den on any one. It seemed odd to me to go to a
first-class dance and find the supper and the
band and the rum all paid for. It must cost a
good deal of money to run this government.



f\ (Jreat B^efaotor.

YT WAS not generally known at the time, but
about a year ago a gentleman from Jays-
burg, named Alanson G-. Meltz, opened a
law office in Chicago, intending to give that city
a style of clear-cut counseling, soliciting, con
veyancing, prosecuting and defending, such us
she had never witnessed before. He was young,
but he was full of confidence, and as he
pulled the nails out of the dry goods boxes, in
which he had brought his revised statutes and
replevin appliances, he felt ready and willing to
furnish advice at living rates to all who would
come and examine his stock.

But time kept on in his remorseless flight,
bringing in at the casement of Mr. Meltz the
roar and hum of traffic, and the nut-brown flavor
of the Chicago river, but that was all. He was
there, ready and almost eager to advise one and
all, but one and all, without exception, evaded
him. No matter how gayly he lettered his win
dow with the announcement that he would pro
cure a divorce for any one without pain, mar-



96

ried people continued to suffer on or go etee-
where. Even though he had put up a trans
parency :



Ko one called at his office, No. 64 Water street,
to get one. Day after day innumerable people
went by him in the mad rush and hurry of life,
married but not mated, forgetting that Mr.
Meltz could relieve them without publicity.

Remorseless time had rolled on in this way for
three months, now and then picking out a frag
ment of the cornice on the new court-house and
braining a pedestrian with it, when one day
MB. Meltz was solicited by the proprietor of a
new remedy for indigestion and brain fever to
try Ida medicine. He also told Mr. Meltz that
in case of cure or beneficial effects he desired to
use his endorsement, and as the remedy was
new he proposed to issue an edition of 1,000,000
circulars containing the endorsement of promi
nent professional people of Chicago.

Alanson 6. Meltz bought a bottle and began
using It. In three weeks the following endorse
ment entered over a million and a half families



A GREAT BENEFACTOR 87

in the United States at the expense of the man
who owned the remedy :

CHICAGO, Seo, B, 1885.
Dr. J. Burdock Wells.

Slit : I am a lawyer of this city, and for the past year have
been seriously and dangerously afflicted with sharp, dart
ing pains up and down the spinal column, dimness of sight,
acidity of the tonsils and In-growing spleen. I suffered the
agonies of the d d.

I take this method of informing the world, especially
those who may be suffering as I did, that lees than a month
ago I was in a pitiful state. I have a large practice es
pecially as an attorney, in procuring noiseless diroroes.
My office is at No. 6% South Water Street, and for years I
have been engaged in this line, procuring divorces for
thousands everywhere, orders filled by mail, etc., by a new
system of my own, by which applicants throughout the
union may be treated at a distance as well as in my office.

This had so taken up my time and engrossed my atten
tion that, before I knew it, my health had become impaired
materially, and I did not know at any time but that the
next succeeding moment might be my subsequent one.
With clients calling on me and pressing 1 me by mall for
their services, with persistent people hurrying: and urging'
me for divorces, so that they could marry gome one else
without unnecessary delay, I was stricken down with in
growing spleen and gastric yearning of the most violent
character. My physicians gave me up. They said I could
nerer recover. T was In despair.

At that moment, like a clap of thunder from a etear eky,
came Dr. J. Burdock Wells, with a bottle of his unerring
Bile Benorator and Gastric Rectifier. I took erne bottle
and called tor another. In a little while I began to hope.



08

When I arose in the morning- my mouth did not taste rfke
that of a total stranger any more. In one week my eye
had reoorcred Its old brilliancy, and in ten days I was back
In my office again at No. 6# South Water Street, rapidly
catching up with my large business and answering all
calls made upon me from all quarters. I have not only re
gained my health, but I have been the humble means,
since my recovery, of bringing peace to many an aching
heart. One man from Kansas writes me: " Tour recovery
was Indeed a great boon to me. You have saved my
Hfe. Whenever I want a divorce again I shall surely
go to you. God bless you and prolong your life for
many years that you may go on spreading joy and
hope again throughout our broad land, furnishing your
automatic and delightful divorces to those who suffer." I
o*n most heartily endorse Dr. J. Burdock Wells' remedy
and would cheerfully recommend it to those who have
tried everything else without success. I would be glad to
have any or all who suffer call at my office, No. 6fs South
Water street, if they doubt my recovery, when they will
find me removing superfluous husbands or wives absolutely
without pain. ALANSON G. MELTZ.

Attorney and counselor-at-law, solicitor in chancery.
1-racuces in all the courts. Divorces sent C. O. D. at
a moment's notice. Try our home treatment for di-
rorce.

A man who visited Mr. Meltz' office last week
ays that his business is simply enormous, anc
that he has added to his former office the gor-
geoug room at No. 7i. People are now coming
from all quarters of the globe to get Mr. Meltz
to administer his divorces to them.



Qoupoi} Cettcr o

interchange of letters of introduction
between old friends, by which valuable ac
quaintances are added to the list, is a great
blessing, and in good hands these letters have,
no doubt, been the beginning of many a warm
friendship ; but, like all other blessings, it has
been greatly abused. I have been the recipient
of letters, presented by tourists, which, it was
easy to see, had been wrung from some sand
bagged friend of mine letters with sobs be
tween the lines, letters punctuated with invisi
ble signals, calling upon me to remember that
the bearer had looked over the writer's shoulder
as each sentence grew into a polite prevarication.
To those who are in the habit of giving hearty
letters of introduction and endorsement to cas
ual acquaintances, I desire to say that I am per
fecting a system by which the drugged and kid
napped writer of a style of assumed sincerity
and bogus hilarity will be thoroughly protected.



100

Let me explain briefly and then illustrate my
method.

A casual acquaintance, who has met you,
say four or five times, and who feels thoroughly
Intimate with you, calling you by the name tht t
no one uses but your wife, approaches you with
an air of confidence that betrays his utter igno
rance of himself, and asks for a letter of intro
duction (in the same serious vein in which one
asks for a match). You are already provided
with my numbered Introductory Letter Pad.
You write the letter of introduction on a sheet
numbered to correspond with a letter of advice
mailed simultaneously to the person who IB to
submit to the letter of introduction.

For instance, a young man, inclined to be
fresh, enters your office or library and states
that he is going abroad. He has learned that
you are intimate with Dom Pedro, of Brazil.
Perhaps you have conveyed that idea uninten
tionally while in the young man's presence at
some time. So now he asks the trifling favor of
a letter of introduction to the Emperor He is
going to see the President and Cabinet and
the members of the Supreme Court before he
leaves this country, and when he goes to South
America he naturally wants to meet Dom Pedro.



LETTER OF INTRODUCTION. 101

So you fill out the right-hand end or coupon of
the sheet as follows :

[International Introductory Letter System, Form Z 88.]
No. B 185,968. NEW YORK, Dec. 25, 1886.

SIR : You will please honor this letter of introduction in
accordance with the tanas of a certain letter of advice num
bered as above, and bearing even date herewith, mailed to
yon this day, and oblige, Yours, etc., A. B.

The young man goes abroad with this letter
inclosed in a maroon alligator-skin pocket-book,
and when he arrives in Brazil he finds that the
way has been paved for him by the following
letter of advice :

[International Introchtttorg Letter System, Form Z SB,]

NBW YORK, Deo. 85, 1886.
No. B 135,986.

SIR : MR. W , a young man with great assurance and a

maroon-colored alligator-skin pocket-book, bearing a letter
of introduction to you numbered as above, is now at large.
He will visit Europe for a few weeks, after which be wfll
tour about South America. He will make ft specialty of
volcanoes and monarch*.

He will offer to exchange photograph* with yon, bat you
mast use your own judgment about complying with this re
quest. Do not allow this letter to influence you in the matter.

You will readily recognize him by the wonderful coaMonoe
which be has in himself, and which is not shared bjr those
who know him here.

He is a fluent conversationalist, and can talk for boors
without fatigue to himself.

Yo will find it yery difficult to
them would be no harm In trying.



I OS

Should you ffet this letter In time, you might doeyo
thought best in the matter of quarantine. BOOM tordlgn
powars are doing that way.

Mr. W has met a great many prominent people in thte

country. What this country needs IB more free trade on the
high seas and better protection for its prominent people.

I have tried to be conservative in what I bare said here,
and If I hare given you a better opinion of the young: man
than his conduct on fuller acquaintance will warrant, 1 as
sure you that I hare not done so intentionally.

Yon will notice at once that he is a self-made man, BO your
admiration for the works of nature need not be in any way
diminished. With due respect, your most obedient servant,

A.B.

To his Imperial Highness D. PEDRO, Esq.,

BRAZIL, 8. A.
No. Z 80,805. %

SIB: This letter o* advice win probably precede a taH
youth named Brlndley. Mr. Brindley is a young man who,
by a strange combination of circumstances, is the eldest
son of a perfect gentleman, who now has, and will ever con
tinue to have, my highest esteem and my promissory note
for 3250.

Will you kindly bear this in mind while you pernc* my
pleading letter of introduction, which will accompany Mr,
Brindley, Jr.?

All through his stormy and tempestuous career to the
capacity of son to his father, he has never done anything
that the grand Jury could get hold of. Treat him as well as
you can consiitently, and if you can get him a position la a
bank, I am sure his father would appreciate it. A place to a
bank, where he would not have anything to do but look
pretty and declare dividends in a shrill falsetto voice, would
please him very much. He is a very good deolaimer. He



LETTER OF INTRODUCTION. 103

IB not accustomed to manual toll, but he has always yearned
to do ntcrary work. If he could do the editorial work con-
fleeted with the sight-draft department, or writ* humoroua
indorsements on the backs of checks, over a nom de plume, it
would tickle the boy almost to death. Anything you oould
do toward getting him a position In a large bank that Is
nailad down securely, would be thoroughly appreciated by
me, and I should be glad to retaliate at any time.

Tours candidly,

WTUAM DATTON.
To Mr. K. O. PICK, LOWDOK.

A beautiful feature of this inyaluable system
is the understanding to which everybody is com
mitted, that the original letter is entirely worth-
T ess on its presentation unless the letter of ad-
rice has been akeady received.



\\o\u to Seat;!? Journalism.

I AM GLAD to know Cornell University is to
establish a department of journalism next
September. I have always claimed that jour
nalism could be taught in universities and col
leges just as successfully as any other athletic
exercise. Of course you cannot teach a boy how
to jerk a giant journal from the clutches of decay
and make of it a robust and ripsnorting shaper
and trimmer of public opinion, in whose count
ing-room people will walk all over each other in
their mad efforts to insert advertisements. You
cannot teach this in a school any more than you
can teach a boy how to discover the open Polar
Sea, but you can teach him the rudiments and
save him a good deal of time experimenting with
himself.

Boys spend small fortunes and the best years
of their lives learning the simplest truths io
relation to journalism. We grope on blindly,
learning this year perhaps how to distinguish
an italic shooting-stick when we see it, or how



HOW TO TEACH [JOURNALISM. 106

to eradicate type lice from a standing galley,
learning next year how to sustain life on an
annual pass and a sample early-rose potato
weighing four pounds and measuring eleven
inches in circumference. This is a slow and
tedious way to obtain journalistic training. If
this can be avoided or abbreviated it will be &
great boon.

As I understand it, the department in Cornell
University will not deal so much with actual
newspaper experience as it will with construction
and style in writing. This is certainly a good
move, for we must admit that we can improve
very greatly our style and the purity of our
English. For instance, 1 select an exchange at
random, and on the telegraphic page I find the
details of a horrible crime. It seems that an
old lady, who lived by herself almost, and who
had amassed between $16 and $17, was awakened
by an assassin, dragged from her bed and cruelly
murdered. The large telegraph headline reads :
" Drug from her bed and murdered I " This is
incorrect in orthography, syntax and prosody,
bad in form and inelegant in style. Carefully
parsing the word drug as it appears here, I find
thai It does not agree with anything in number,
gender or person. I do not like to criticise the



106

style of others when I know that my own is so
faulty, but I am sure that the word drug should
not be used in this way.

Take the following, also, from the Kansas cor
respondence of the Statesville (N. O.) Land
mark:

"There were several bad accidents in and
around Clear Water during my absence from
home. The saddest one was the shooting of one
Peter Peterson by his father. They were out
rabbit-hunting in the snow. A rabbit got up
and started to run. The son was in a swag of a
place and the father was taking aim at the
rabbit. The son at the same time was trying to
get a shot at it and, not knowing that his father
was shooting, ran between the rabbit and his
father and was killed dead, falling on the snow
with his gun grasped in his hands and never
moved. He ti. carried that pleasant smile
which he had :>E in expectation of shooting that
jack rabbit, whe, 1 put in the grave. Wheat is
selling at about 60 cents; corn, 40 to 60 cents;
fat hogs, grofs, 41 to 41 ; fat steers, 4i ; butcher's
stock, 2 cents."

It is hard to ay just exactly wherein this is
faulty, but something is the matter with it. I
would like to get an expression of oninion from



HOW TO TEACH JOURNALISM. 107

those who take an interest in such things, as to
whether the fault is in orthoepy, orthography,
anatomy, obituary or price current, or whether
it consists in writing several features too closely
in the same paragraph.

It would also be a good idea to establish a
chair for advertisers in some practical college,
in order that they might run in for a few hours
and learn how to write an advertisement so *hat
it would express in the most direct way what
they desired to state. Here is an advertisement,
for instance, which is given exactly as written
and punctuated :

MRS. DR. EPWABDS,
THS CREAT WESTSRH CLAIErOYJLWT,

Has arrived, and will remain only a short time. Gall *
once at HOTEL WINDSOR, 119, 121 and 123 East State
street, Boom 19, third floor. Please take elevator.

The greatest and most natural born, and highly o*t#-
brated, and well-known all over the country, Clairvoyant,
now traveling on the road, and Wonder from the Paoiflo
coast.

Seventh Daughter of the Seventh Daughter ; born with
veil and second sight; every mystery revealed; If one you
love Is true or false; removes trouble; settles lovers' quar
rels; causes a speedy marriage with one you love; valu
able Information to gentlemen on all business transac


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