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Buckwheat Trust, and to use his own judgment
about choice of subject. And what do you s'pose
he had selected for a nessey that took the whole
forenoon to read ? "

" What subject, you mean ? "

"Yes."

"Give it up I"

"Well, he'd wrote out that whole blamed
intellectual wad on the subject of ' The Inhu
manity of Dehorning Hydraulic Bams.' How'i
that?"

" That's pretty fair."

"Well, farmin' is like runnin' a paper in
regard to some things. Every feller in the
world will take and turn in and tell you how to
do it, even if he don't know a blame thing about
it. There ain't a man in the United States



THE FAJtMER AND THE TAEIFF. 131

to-day that don't secretly think he could run
airy one if his other business busted on him,
whether he knows the difference between a new
milch cow or a horse hayrake or not. We had
one of these embroidered nightshirt farmers
come from town better'n three years ago. Been
a toilet-soap man and done well, and so he came
out and bought a farm that had nothing to it
but a fancy house and barn, a lot of medder in
the front yard, and a Southern aspect. The
farm was no good. You couldn't raise a dis
turbance on it. Well, what does he do ? Goes
and gits a passle of slim-tailed yeller cows from
New Jersey and aims to handle cream and
diversified farming. Last year the cuss sent a
load of cream over and tried to sell it at the
new crematory while the funeral and hollercost
was goin' on. I may be a sort of a chump my
self, but I read my paper and don't get left like
that."

"What are the prospects for farmers in your
State ?"

"Well, they are pore. Never was so pore, in
fact, sence I've ben there. Folks wonder why
boys leaves the farm. My boys left so as to get
protected, they said, and so they went into a
lothing store, one of 'em, and one went into



W BILL NY&S SPARKS.

hardware, and one is talkin' protection in the
Legislature this winter. They said that fannln'
was gettin' to be like fishin' and huntin', well
enough for a man that has means and leisure,
but they couldn't make a livin' at it, they said.
Another boy is in a drug store, and the man
that hires him says he is a royal feller."

" Kind of a castor royal feller," I said, with a
shriek of laughter.

He waited until I had laughed all I wanted to,
and then he said :

" I've always hollered for high tariff in order
to hyst the public debt, but now that we've got
the National debt coopered I wish they'd take a
little hack at mine. I've put in fifty years farm-
in'. I never drank licker in any form. I've
worked from ten to eighteen hours a day ; been
economical in cloz and never went to a show
more'n a dozen times in my life ; raised a family
and learned upwards of two hundred calves to
drink out of a tin pail without blowing their
vittles up my sleeve. My wife worked alongside
o' me se win' new seats on the boys' pants, skim-
min' milk, and even helpin' me load hay. For
forty years we toiled along together and hardly
got time to look into each other's faces or dared
to stop and get acquainted with each other.



TBE FAKMEE AND THE TARIFF. 13S

Then her health failed. Ketched cold In the
springhouse, prob'ly skimmin' milk, and wash-
in' pans, and scaldin' pails, and spankin' butter.
Anyhow, she took in a long breath one day
while the doctor and me was watchin' her, and
she says to me, ' Henry,' says she, ' I've got a
chance to rest,' and she put one tired, wore-out
hand on top of the other tired, wore-out hand,
and I knew she'd gone where they don't work
all day and do chores all night.

" I took time to kiss her then. I'd been too
busy for a good while previous to do that, and
then I called in the boys. After the funeral it
was too much for them to stay around and eat
the kind of cookin' we had to put up with, and
nobody spoke up around the house as we used
to. The boys quit whistlin' around the bam,
and talked kind of low to themselves about
goin' to town and getting a Job.

" They're all gone now, and the snow is four
feet deep up there on mother's grave in the old
berryin '-ground."

Then both of us looked out of the car-windoif
quite a long while without saying anything.

"I don't blame the boys for going into some
thing else long's other things pays better ; btrt
I say and I say what I know that the man



134 BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

who holds the prosperity of this country In his
hands, the man that actually makes the money
for other people to spend, the man that eats
three good, simple, square meals a day and goes
to bed at 9 o'clock so that future generations
with good blood and cool brains can go from his
farm to the Senate and Congress and the White
House he is the man that gets left at last to
run his farm, with nobody to help him but a.
hired man and a high protective tariff. The
farms in our State is mortgaged for over
$700,000,000. Ten of our Western States I see
by the papers has got about three billion and
a half mortgages on their farms, and that don't
count the chattel mortgages filed with the town
clerks on farm machinery, stock, waggins, and
even crops, by gosh 1 that ain't two inches high
under the snow. That's what the prospect is
for farms now. The Government is rich, but
the men that made it, the men that fought pe-
rarie flrea and perarie wolves and In j ins and
potato bugs and blizzards, and has paid the war
debt and pensions and everything else, and ho?
lored for the Union and the Bepublican part
and high tariff and anything else that they wa
told to, is left high and dry this cold winter witl
a mortgage of seven billions and a half on the



THE FARMER AND THE TARIFF. 180

farms they have earned and saved a thousand
times over."

"Yes ; but look at the glory of sending from
the farm the future President, the future Sena
tor and the future member of Congress."

" That looks well on paper ; but what does it
really amount to ? Soon as a farmer boy gits
in a place like that he forgets the soil that pro
duced and holds his head as high as a hollyhock.
He bellers for protection to everybody but the
farmer, and while he sails round in a highty-
tighty room with a fire in it night and day, his
father on the farm has to kindle his own fire in
the morning with elm slivers, and he has to
wear his son's lawn-tennis suit next to him or
freeze to death, and he has to milk in an old
gray shawl that has held that member of Con
gress since he was a baby, by gorry 1 and the old
lady has to sojourn through the winter in the
flannels that Silas wor at the rigatter before he
went to Congress.

" So I say, and I think that Congress agrees
with me, Damn a farmer, anyhow I "

He then went away.



ft Qogvegtiogal

f\URING the recent conventions a greafemaoy
YJ good speeches have been made which did not
get into print for various reasons. Some
others did not even get a hearing and still others
were prepared by delegates who could not get
the eye of the presiding officer.

The manuscript of the following speech bears
the marks of earnest thought, and though the
author did not obtain recognition on the floor of
the convention I cannot bear to see an apprecia
tive public deprived of it :

MB. CHAIRMAN AND GENTLEMEN or THE
CONVENTION : We are met together here AS a
representation of the greatest and grandest
party in the world a party that has been first
in peace, first in war and first in the hearts of
its countrymen, as the good book has it. We
come together here to-day, Gentlemen, to per
petuate by our action the principles which won
us victory at the polls and wrenched it from an
irritated and disagreeable foe on many a tented
field. I refer to freedom.



A CONVENTIONAL SPEECH. 1W

Our party has ever been the champion of free
dom. We have made a specialty of freedom.
We have ever been in the van. That's why we
have been on the move. Where freedom a
quarter of a century ago was but a mere name,
now we have fostered it and aided it and en
couraged it and made it pay.

We have emancipated a whole race, several of
whom have since voted the other way. But we
must not be discouraged. We are hereto work.
Let us do it and so advance our common cause
and honor God.

But who is to be the leader ? Who will be
able to carry our victorious banner from Port
land, Me., to Portland, Ore., gayly speaking
pieces from the tail-gate of a train ? Who IB suf
ficiently obscure to safely make the race ? (Cries
of "Jeremiah M. Eusk," "Budolph Minklna
Fitter," "Blaine," "James Swartout," "John
Sherman," " Charlie Kinney," Sue.)

The eye of the nation is upon us. We cannot
escape the awful responsibility which we have
to-day assumed. With all our anxiety to pleaao
our friends we must not forget that we are bare
in the interests of universal freedom. Do not
allow yourselves to be blinded, gentlemen, by
the assurance that this is to be a busineaB man's



1S8 BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

campaign, a campaign in which conflicting busi
ness interests are to figure more than the late
war. It is a fight involving universal freedom,
as I said in our conventions four, eight and
twelve years ago.

We have before us a pure and highly elocution
ary platform. Let us nominate a man who will,
as I may say, affilliate and amalgamate with that
platform. Who is that man ? (Cries of " Elaine,
Elaine, James G. Elaine," " Lockwood, Lock-
wood, Belva A. Lockwood," and general con
fusion, during which John A. Wise is seen to
jerk loose about a nickel's worth of Billy Ma-
hone's whiskers.)

Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen of the eonven*
tion, there has never been a more harmonious
convention in the United States to my knowl
edge since the Sioux massacre in Minnesota. We
are all here for the best good of the party and
each is willing to concede something rather than
create any ill-feeling. Look at Mahone for
instance.

We have a good platform, now let us nominate
a man whose record is in harmony with that
platform. Freedom has ever been our watch
word. How that we have made the human race
vrithin our borders absolutely free, let us add to



A CONVENTIONAL SPEUS. 199

cur magnificent history as a party by one crown
ing act. Let us fight for the Emancipation of
Bum I

Bum has always been a mighty power in
American politics, but it has not been absolutely
free. Let us be the first to recognize it as the
great corner-stone of American institutions.
Let us make it free.

"We have never had any Daniel "Websters or
Henry Clays since rum went up from 20 cents a
gallon to its present price. The war tax on
whiskey for over twenty years has made freedom
a farce and liberty a loud and empty snort in
mid-air. Who, then, shall be our standard-
bearer as we journey onward towards victory ?
(Cries of "Elaine, Elaine, James G. Elaine,"
and confusion.)

Gentlemen, I wish that a better and thrillinger
orator had been selected in my place to name
the candidate on whom alone I can unite.
Soldiers, rail-splitters, statesmen, canal boys,
tailors, farmers, merchants and school teachers
have been Presidents of the United States, but
to my knowledge no convention has ever yet
pamed a distiller. I have the honor to-day to
name a modest man for the high office of Presi
dent ; a man who never before allowed his name



1W BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

to be presented to a convention ; a man wh
never even stated in the papers that his name
would not be presented to the convention ; a
man who has never sought or courted publicity
even in his own business ; a man who has been
a distiller in a quiet way for ever fifteen year*
and yet has never even advertised in the papers ;
a man who has so carefully shunned the eye of
the world that only two or three of us know
where his place of business is ; a man who has
such an utter contempt for office that he has
shot two Government officials who claimed to
be connected with the internal revenue business ;
a man who can drink or let it alone, but who has
aimed to divide the time up about equally be
tween the two ; a man who bad absolutely not^
ing to do with the war, not having heard about
it in time ; a man who defies his culumniators
or anybody else of his heft ; a man who would
paint the White House red ; a man who takes
great pleasure in being his own worst enemy.
(Oriea of "Tame him I Name him I" Great
confusion, and cries of pain from several har
monious delegates who are getting the worst of
it.)

Not to take up your time, let me say in closing
that the day for great men as candidates for an



A CONVENTIONAL SPEECH MI

important office is past. Great men in a great
country antagonize different factions and are
then compelled to fall back on literature. What
we want is an obscure and silent chump. I have
found him. He has never antagonized but two
men in his life and they are now voting in a
better land. He is a plain man, and his career
at Washington would be marked with more or
less tobacco juice. Tor over fifteen years he
has been constructing at his country seat a lurid
style of whiskey known as The Essence of Crime.
Quietly and unostentatiously he has fought for
the emancipation of whiskey everywhere. He
says that we are too prone to worry about our
clothes and their cost and to give too little
thought to our tax-ridden rum.

Then, Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen, here in
the full glare of public approval, feeling that the
name I am about to pronounce will in a few
moments flash across a mighty continent and
greet the moist and moaning news editor, the
grimy peasant, the pussy banker and the
streaked tennis player; that the name I now
nourish in my panting brain will soon be taken
up on willing tongues and borne across the
union, rising and saluting the hot blue dome of
heaven, pulsating across the ocean, rocking the



142 BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

beautifully upholstered throne* of the Old
World and calling forth a dark blue torrent of
profanity from the offices of the illustrated
papers, none of which will be provided with hia
portrait, I desire to name Mr. Clem Beasly, of
Arkansaw, a man who has spent his best years
manufacturing man's greatest enemy. I hurrah
for him and holler for him, and love him for tba
(hie) enemy he has made.



fk plea for Ope ii? /*dver$ity.

T LEARN with much sadness that Mr. Wil
liam H. Vanderbilt's once princely fortune
has shrivelled down to $150,000,000. This
piece of information comes to me like a clap
of thunder out of a clear sky. Once petted,
fondled and caressed, William H. Vanderbilt
shorn of his wealth, and resting upon no
foundation but his sterling integrity, must
trnggle along with the rest of us.

It would be but truth to say that Mr. Vander
bilt will receive very little sympathy from the
world now In the days of hia adversity and
penury when the wolf is at his door. There BJ
many of his former friends who will say thai
William could economize and struggle along on
$160,000,000, but let them try it once and see
how they would like it themselves ; $150,000,000,
with no salary outside of that amount, will not
last forever.

A poor man might pinch along in such a caee
tt le could get something to do, but wa mutt



M4 BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

remember that Mr. Yanderbilt has always
in comparatively comfortable circumstanees.
His hands, therefore, are tender and his stomach
juts out into the autumn air. He will, there
fore, find it hard at first to husk corn and dig
potatoes. When he stoops over a sawbuck
around New York this winter his stomach will
be in the way and his vest will no doubt split
open on the back. All these things will annoy
the spoiled child of luxury, and his broad fea
tures will be covered with sadness. They will,
at least, if there is sadness enough in the
country to do it.

The fall of William H. Vanderbilt and his
headlong plunge from the proud eminence to
which his means had elevated him downward
to the cringing poverty of $160,000,000 should be
a sad warning to us all. This fate may fall to
any of us. Oh, let us be prepared when the
summons comes. For one I believe I am ready.
Should the dread news come to me to-morrow
that such a fate had befallen me, I would
nerve myself up to it and meet it like a
man. With the ruin of my former fortune I
would buy me a crust of bread and some pie, and
then I would take the balance and go over Into
Canada and there I would establish a home for



A PLEA FOB ONE IN AD VEE81TY. 14S

friendless bank cashiers who are now there,
several hundred of them, all alone and with no
one to love them.

All kinds of charitable institutions, costing
many thousands of dollars, are built in America
from year to year for the comfort of homeless
and friendless women and children, but man is
ieft out in the cold. Why is this thus. Lots of
people in Canada, of course, are doing their best
to make it cheerful and sunny for our lovely
cashiers there, but still it is not home. As a
gentleman once said in my hearing, " There is
HO place Hke home." And he was right.

In conclusion, I do not know what to say, un
less it be to appeal to the newspaper men of the
country in Mr. Vanderbilt's behalf. While he
was wealthy he was proud and arrogant. He
said, " Let the newspapers be blankety blanked
to blank," or words to that effect, but we do not
care for that. Let us forget all that and re
member that his sad fate may some day be our
own. In our affluence let us not lose sight of
tbe fact that Van is suffering. Let us procure
a place for him on some good paper. His gram
mar and spelling are a little bit rickety but he
eould begin as janitor and gradually work his
way up. Parties having clothing or funds which



149 BILL NYE'S SPARKS.

they feel like giving may forward the same to me
at Hudson, Wis., postpaid, and if the clothes do
not fit Van they may possibly fit me.

New York, Oct. 7, 1883. BILL KTB.

P.S. Oct. 30. Since issuing the above I have
received several consignments of clothes for the
suffering, also one sack of corn-meal and a ham.
Let the good work go on, for it is far mor
blessed to give than to receive, I am told ; and
as Jay Gould said when, as a boy, he gave the
wormy half of an apple to his dear Uacfcer,
44 Half is better than the hole."



TN" June the medicated tropical fruit known &*
[^ the rhubarb-pie is in full bloom. The farmer
goes forth into his garden to find out where
the coy, old setting hen is hiding from tne vulgar
gaze, and he discovers that his pie-plant is ripe.
He then forms a syndicate with his wife for the
purpose of publishing the seditious ua rebel
lious pie.

It is singular that the War Department has
never looked into the scheme for fighting the
Indians with rhubarb-pie, instead of the regular
army. One-half the army could then put in its
time oourt-martialing the other half, and all
would be well.

Bhubarb undoubtedly has its place in the
materia medico, , but when it sneaks into the pie
of commerce it is out of place. Castor-oil, and
capsicum, and dynamite, and chloroform, and
porous-plasters, and arsenic, all have their usrs
in one way or another, but they would not pre
sume to enter into the composition of a pie.



M8 BILL NYB'S SPARKS.

They know It would not be tolerated. But rhtt-
fearb, elated with its success as a drug, forgets
its humble origin and aspires to become an
article of diet.

Now the pumpkin knows its place. You never
knew of a pumpkin trying to monkey with
science. The pumpkin knows that it was boi n
to bury itself in the bosom of the pumpkin-pie.
it does not therefore, go about the country
claiming to be a remedy for spavin.

Supposing that the gory, yet toothsome steak,
that grows on the back of the twenty-one-year-
old steer's neck, should claim for itself that it
ouldgointo a drug-store and cure rheumatism
and heartburn. Wouldn't every one say that it
was out of place and uncalled for ? Certainly.
The back of the tough old steer's neck knows
that it is destined for the mince-pie, and nature
did not intend otherwise. So also with the vul
canized gristle, and arctic overshoe heel, and the
shoe-string, and the white button, and all those
elements that go to make up the mince-pie.
They do not try to make medicines and cordial*
and anodynes of themselves. Ehubarb i the
only thing that successfully holds its place with
the apothecary, and yet draws a salary la tbe
pie bsi*a*g.



THB HHUBAEB PIE. 149

I do not know how others may look at this
i.Mrtlflr, but I do not think it ia right. Still you
tod this medicated pie in the social circle every
where. We guard our homes with the strictest
surveillance in other matters, and yet we allow
the low, vulgar pie-plant-pie to creep into our
houses and into our hearts. That is, it creeps
into our hearts figuratively speaking. The heart
is ot, as a matter of fact, one of the digestive
organs, but I use the term just as all poets do
under like circumstances.

Many, however, will always continue to use
the rhubarb-pie, and for those I give below a
receipt which has stood the test of years, one
which results in a pie that frosts and sudden
atmospheric changes cannot injure.

Kone but the youngest rhubarb should be used
in making pies. Go out and kill your rhubarb
with a club, taking care not to kill the old and
tough variety. Give it a chance to repent. Be-
more the skin carefully, and take out the
digestive economy of the plant. Be specially
careful to get off the " fuzzy " coating, aa rhu
barb-pies with hair on are not in such favor aa
they were when the country was new. Now put
in the basement of cement and throw on your
rhubarb, Flavor with linseed-oil, and hammer



150 SILL NY&S SPARKS.

out the top crust until it is moderately
Then solder on the cover and drill holes for the
copper rivets. Having headed the rivets in
place, nail on zinc monogram, and kiln-dry the
pie slowly. When it is cooled, put on two coats
of metallic paint, and adjust the time-look.
After you find that the pie is impervious to the
action of chilled steel or acids, remove an* feed
it to the man who cheerfully pays for hi*i^*y
and steals his newspaper.



fire.

"P AST night I was awakened by the cry of fire.
\j It was a loud, hoarse cry, such as a large,
adult man might emit from his window on
the night air. The town was not large, and the
fire-department, I had been told, was not so
effective as it should have been.

For that reason I arose and carefully dressed
myself in order to assist, if possible. I carefully
lowered myself from my room by means of a
staircase which I found concealed in a dark and
mysterious corner of the passage.

On the streets all was confusion. The hoarse
cry of fire had been taken up by others, passed
around from one to another, till it had swollen
Into a dull roar. The cry of fire in a small town
is always a grand sight.

All along the street in front of Mr. Pen-
dergast's roller rink the blanched faces of the
people could be seen. Men were hurrying to
and fro, knocking the by-standers over In their
frantic attempts to get somewhere else. With



itt BILL NYB'S SPARKS.

great foresight Hr. Pendergast, Wno had that
day finished painting his roller rink a dull-roan
oolor, removed from the building the large card
which bore the legend



rassH PAIJTT !



to that those who were so disposed might feel
perfectly free to lean up against the rink and
watch the progress of the flames.

Anon the bright glare of the devouring element
might have been seen bursting through the case
ment of Mr. Cicero Williams' residence, facing
on the alley west of Mr. Pendergast's rink.
Across the street the spectator whose early edu
cation had not been neglected could distinctly
read the sign of our esteemed fellow-townsman,
Mr. Alonzo Burlingame, which was lit up by
the red glare of the flames so that the letters
stood out plain as follows:

ALONZO BTJRLINGAJHE,

Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, loe-Crewn, Wood, Lima,

Cement, Perfumery, Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse

Badiab.

Chocolate Caramel* and Tar Hoofing.
fias- Fitting and Undertaking in All Its Branches.

Hides, Tallow and Maple Syrup.

Fin Gold Jewelry, Silverware and Salt.



IB

Glue, Oodflsh and Gent's Neckwaar.

Undertaker and Confectioner.

{^"Diseases of Horsi and Children a Specialty.
JOHN WRTTB, PTE.

The flames spread rapidly, until they threat
ened the Palace rink of our esteemed fellow-
townsman, Mr. Pendergast, whose genial and
urbane manner has endeared him to all.

With a degree of forethought worthy of a bet
ter cause, Mr. Leroy W. Butts suggested the
propriety of calling out the hook and ladder
company, an organization of which every one
seemed to be justly proud. Some delay ensued
in trying to find the janitor of Pioneer Hook


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