Ethel Watts Mumford Grant.

Sick abed : a farcical comedy in three acts online

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IVEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th St, New Voi8>


"The glad play," in 3 acts. By Catherine Chisholm
dish in jr. Based on the novel by Eleanor H. Porter. 5
, (.! females. 2 interiors. Costumes, modern. Plays
ii'i hours.

The story has to do with the experiences of an orphan girl

who is tin- ; nto the home of a maiden aunt. In

Dilations that beset her lift- she manages to find

..ITS light into sunless lives.

J'injilly, Pollyan-' i! the love rtff:iirs of her elders,

and last, but not least, timls li; elf in the heart

of Jimmy. "Pollyanna" is a plad play and one which is hound

' one a b. .-iiition of people and the world. It

humor, tenderness and humanity that gave the story

Buch wonderful popularity :i -' and old.

Produced at t! \v York, and for two sea-

n tour, h; Tyler, with Helen Hayes in the part

of "Pollyanua." (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents.


A ei'irifdy in 3 n< Mice Duer Miller and Iv

M. 6 males, 10 foi. -y 5 males

s females). Any number of school girls may be used
in 11 ; i's. Scenes, 2 interiors. Modern costumes.

L'V2 hours.

The story of "The Charm School" is familiar to Mrs. Miller's
?. relates the adventures of a handsome young
man, scarcely cut of his 'teens, who, upon inheriting
< 1 from a maiden aunt, insists on running it
g to his own ideas, chief of which is, hy the
ihat the doinin;: in the education of the young

<.f to-day should be CHARM. The situation
ig \vitli tiumor clean, wholesome humor. In ('
young man gives up the school, and prom.

of his pii] a marriageable age. The

nness of youth, the inspiration of an
i'-a, the charm of originr.lity, and
anely amusing

ommend it for high scl . .1 at

the Bijou Theatre, New York, th-.-n loured th.
companies are now playing it in England. (Ro\ :y five

dollars.) Price, 75 Cents.

SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City
New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Bequest





All Rights Reserved

CAUTION : Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned
that "SICK ABED," being fully protected under the
copyright laws of the United States of America, is sub-
ject to a royalty, and anyone presenting the play without
the consent of the owners or their authorized agents will
be liable to the penalties by law provided. Application
for the acting rights must be made to Samuel French, 25
West 45th Street, New York, N. Y.







Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this
book without a valid contract for production first having
been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license
to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or
in private for gain or cnarity.

In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading
public only, and no performance, representation, production,
recitation, public reading or radio broadcasting may be given
except by special arrangement with Samuel French, 25 West
45th Street, New York.

This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of
a royalty of Twenty-Five Dollars for each performance,
payable to Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York,
one week before the date when the play is given.

V, iiciiever the play is produced the following notice must
appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the
'Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French
of New York."

.\t k cnt" the penalty provided by law for any

infriiu author's rights, as follows:

"Si person publicly performing or repre-

senting any dramatic or musical composition for which copy-
right has I, y/hhout the consent of the proprie-
tor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and
assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages,
in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one
hundred dollars for thv first and fifty dollars for even 7 sub-
sequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just.
If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful
and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a
misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be imprisoned for
a period not exceeding one year." U. S. Revised Statutes :
Title 60. Chap. 3.

APRIL 22, 1918, AT







Produced Under Stage Direction of Edgar

(In Order of Their Appearance)

OFFICER (Specially engaged) Thomas Allyn



MISS DURANT _ Mary Boland

DR. WIDNER Dallas Welford

DR. FLEXNER Charles E. Evans

REGINALD JAY +... Edwin Nicander

MR. CHALMERS Curtis Benton


SAJI .. David Burton

PATRICK Edward O'Connor




twelve minutes).

(A week later).
ACT III SAME AS ACT II. (Ten minutes later).

(In order of their appearance)


SAJI The Jap Valet



REGINALD JAY A young explorer

Miss DURANT A nurse

Miss HEPWORTH The night nurse




SCENE : Reginald Jay's den, door to hall up c. Large
fireplace L. Door to kitchen down L. door up
L. Door to bedroom R. Large low divan couch
with cushions L. c. writing table and chairs
R. c. Large armchair down R. Book shelves
up L. and R. On shelve up R. are a large stuffed
monkey, stuffed owl, collection of various skins,
on small table front of bookcase is stuffed
ostrich. Packing case R. of writing table. Two
cases back of writing table. One case front of
Ostrich. Front of couch is large wicker hamper
with lid raised, facing front. Littered on the
floor around hamper a pile of tissue packing
paper. Chair up L. c.

As the curtain rises, Saji is in hamper, hunt-
ing amongst paper. Constance enters up c.
looks through door R. and mysteriously looks
around her. Pat's voice is heard off stage
singing, as he approaches. Constance imme-
diately runs to door up L. and exits, as Pat
enters up c. He is wheeling a hand-truck.
Comes c. and drops truck.

PAT. Howly St. Patrick! I do be havin' the
devil's own time in this house, with thim boxes and
crates and things. Shure Mr. Jay's fair bruke the
heart o' me.

SAJI. Stop grouch. You get plenty tip.

PAT. (Crosses to R. and gets case and places it


on truck) Look at that now! Throwin' that
paper over the lioor, as if the place wasn't littered
up enough as it is. Shure, if Mr. Jay had to kill all
thim things (Indicating the stuffed animals} why
didn't he lave them where they fell? It's surprised
I am he ain't sent home a stuffed nayger. Him and
his explorin'.

SAJI. Talk, talk, do no work. (Gets out of
hamper. Exit L. carrying skin which hung over

PAT. (Looks gloomily at the cases R. Look at
that now ! Handle with care. Handle wid care is
it? Sure it's sick an' tired I am of the signs on
all these boxes (Picks up packing case during this
speech. Carries it to the truck} Handle wid care!
(Slams box violently onto the truck SAJI enters
ly L. i.)

SAJI. Wa you break no

PAT. (Center) Nothin' you blank an' tan hay-
then. It's tired I am v/id this zoo. Shure for a
year past they've been landin' boxes here from ivery
steamer till me store room is full an' me furnace
's full and this room full and the hallways, an'
me <\ his -\vork. It's no Janitor I am, it's a


SAJI. Superintendent.

if it - vasn't for Mr. Jay tellin'
me not to let a livin' soul handle these specimens but
meself, shure I'd be afther dischargin' meself this
blessed minute. (Puts third case on truck during
latter part of this speech. Turns and looks at SAJI,
who has got into the hamper and is bending down
scattering paper out recklessly} What the devil
are ye doin' in that basket anyway. Hey ! you look
like a jack in the box, bobbing up and down.

SAJI. I lose quarter dolla' change, from vest
pocket when I pick out ostlich. An' I find 'im.


(Picks up quarter from inside hamper).

PAT. Well, for two bits I'd throw you over the
top for making me all this muss. (Starts to gather
up paper, and puts it into hamper.)

SAJI. More better you clean. Mr. Jay he get
here pretty soon now. I get wireless yesterday. He
come by ship today. Me fix aplartment. (Crosses to
table R. L. and arranges writing materials.)

PAT. Aw shure now it's goin' to begin again,
afternoon teas and suppers and ladies all over the
place. (Closes itamper. Picks up truck and starts
to turn and go)

SAJI. You stop make talk. And come back take
out J a y's ladies no business

for you.

PAT. Begorry here's one of thim now.
(CONSTANCE appears through door up L.) The
mil ra i/e open. Thim bachelors, oh

thim bachelors! (Exits wheeling truck grumbling.)

CONSTANCE. (Crosses to chair L. of table.)

SAJI. Oh Mrs. Weems !

CONSTANCE. Where is he? Mr. Jay! Hasn't
he come?

SAJI. (Crosses to L. of table) No come yet!

one been here asking for

; i. Nobody come Mrs. Weems.

AN T CE. (Moving to R. of table, sits chair)
'iank goodness ! But what's keeping him t The
steamer docked hours ago.

SAJI. I no know.

CONSTANCE. Saji, take this five dollars. (Hands
him bill) Do you know any more now?

SAJI. For truth to God I no know.

CONSTANCE. Oh dear, I must see him. (Tele-
phone rings. Cross front of sofa. SAJI crosses to
back of table, and picks up receiver.)


SAJI. Excuse please. 'Ello. No, Mr. Jay not
here. Who comin' up? Mr. Weems ?

CONSTANCE. (Alarmed) My husband!

SAJI. Yes honorable husband.

CONSTANCE. (Rises') He mustn't catch me
here. Saji, quick, where shall I go?

SAJI. (Goes up c. CONSTANCE runs to door R.)
When he here you go kitchen. That Mr. Jay's bed-
room, no good. Go wait kitchen.
{Exit CONSTANCE L. i. Enter WEEMS followed by

CHALMERS. WEEMS looks anxiously about, comes

to c. CHALMERS to back of table.}

WEEMS. Hello Saji, where's your Master?

SAJI. (R. of table} He no come yet.

CHALMERS. Has anyone been here asking for

SAJI. No sir, no sir.

WEEMS. (Down L. c.) Has a lady been here?

SAJI. (Crosses to c.) No, sir. No woman lady
been here.

CHALMERS. (R. of table. Moves to c.) Saji
when did you get word to expect Mr. Jay ?

SAJI. (R. of WEEMS) Wireless yesterday.

WEEMS. (Paces anxiously to L.) Oh why
couldn't he stay in Timbuctoo ?

CHALMERS. That'll do Saji, you can go.

SAJI. Yes, Mr. Honorable Lawyer. (Exit up


WEEMS. (Crosses to R. of sofa) If this scandal
breaks it will ruin me.

CHALMERS. Well, why did you get into it?

WEEMS. That's my business. It's your business
to get me out of it.

CHALMERS. (R. of table) Well it's nip and tuck
if we can. Or it's going to be the most sensational
divorce in years.


WEEMS. (L. of table} Well, if you can't put it
over, you're not much of a lawyer. My, what is the
younger generation coming to ! (Sits L. of table)

CHALMERS. It isn't what the younger genera-
tion's coming to, it's where the older generation
went. (Standing back of table, digs WEEMS on the
arm. )

WEEMS. Bosh! I tell you this is the result of
calculation on my wife's part. She wants to dis-
grace me.

CHALMERS. So she said.

WEEMS. She married me in order to divorce me.
She held off to spring it until the alimony was good.

CHALMERS. (Goes up and down c.) Well,
couldn't you see what was coming to you, when you
married that innocent young thing?

WEEMS. Well ! (Rises} It's got to be stopped.
The rest of her case won't hold. If she gets
Reggie's testimony it's all up with me, that's what.
(Crosses R. of table}

CHALMERS. I must confess

WEEMS. Well, you can, but I won't and Reggie

CHALMERS. (L. of table} Mrs. Weems' lawyers
will have Reginald Jay subpoenaed as a witness the
minute they learn he's arrived. And since he
couldn't locate him at the steamer, the only thing
to do was to catch him here, and try to get him
out of the state.

WEEMS. Yes, at any cost, get him out of the

CHALMERS. Well, it's up to you what in the
world did you want to have anything to do with
that little Spanish irl, Letice Montjoy for? How
did you come to pick her up.

WEEMS. (Sits R. of table) I didn't, she picked
me up.



WEEMS. Spain.

CHALMERS. And not content with making a fool
of yourself you let Reginald Jay know all about it.

WEEMS. How could I help it? He turned up in
Madrid, when he expressly told me he was going
to Africa for big game.

CHALMERS. Well he was, and he went. You
can't blame him for your escapade. (Moves to c.)

WEEMS. Well the fact remains, that if Con-
stance ca ; ! e's ^estimony, her case falls
flat. And I'll p '_. anything to stop it. (Rises and
crosses to L. c. to R. of CHALMERS.)

CHALMERS. I can't see why you're so utterly
scared. After all, one divorce more or less

WEEMS. In the first place I don't want to lose
Mrs. Weems (Crosses to L. of CHALMERS.)

CHALMERS. Oh, you still love her.

WEEMS. Damn fine woman my wife. And
besides I won't have this affair aired, that's all.

CHALMERS. Why this affair? You haven't made
a clean breast of it and I'm your lawyer.

WEEMS. Well, the fact is

bat is it

WEEMS. Why, it'll all come out.

CHALMERS. What'll come out ?

. that damn little Spanish girl I
met i 'sh I'd never se. eyes on her.

CHALMERS. (R. of WEEMS) Well, you've set
eyes before and it didn't trouble you.

WEEMS. The eyes are different in Spain.

CHALMERS. What's the matter with this one?

WEEMS. The hussy. Nothing too good for her.

to have the King's box at the Opera. The

bridal suite at the hotel, and I let her have 'em too,

usand. Then
she goes and

CHALMERS. And what?

1 MS. Shakes me, that's what.


CHALMERS. Oh, so that's it? She left you flat
when she saw something younger.

WEEMS. Just put yourself in my place.

CHALMERS. Not on your life! (Crosses to R.
of table) I've some self respect left.

WEEMS. (Crosses to L. of table) Oh indeed!
Permit me to say you've more self-respect than
intelligence. Look how you bungled this thing.

CHALMERS. (R. of table) Now see here, Weems,
if I bungled this it's because I'm doing my best with
a case I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. But
for my fool friendship for you. Now, I've got this
get-away all planned and if that fails I've arranged
the other thing. And the chances are that Mrs.
Weems doesn't know he's coming anyway. But the
thing that's worrying me is will Jay go thru with
it for you?

WEEMS. (L. of table) Of course he will. Am
I not his guardian? Didn't I treble his inheritance
for him? And I'm leaving him a portion of my
estate. Wasn't his father my best friend?

CHALMERS. I know, but this is serious. (Crosses
down R.)

WEEMS. Nonsense, I've only to ask him and
he'll jump through.

JAY. (Off stage) Hello, hello, hello, hello!

CHALMERS. There he comes !

PAT. (Off stage) Welcome home, Mr. Jay!
(SAji enters L. i. smiling and running to door up c.)

SAJI. He come he come (Exit up c.)
WEEMS. (Crosses to R. of hamper) Now you
keep off. I'll handle this.

JAY. (Off stage) Well, well, Saji, old reprobate
how goes it ! (Enters up c. carrying two grips, a
steamer rug over his shoulder, followed by SAJI
carrying grip, and PAT, also carrying a grip. JAY


puts grips down up c. crosses to WEEMS) Why,
guardy, this is decent of you. Honest, I do appre-
ciate it. And Mr. Chalmers too. (Crosses to
CHALMERS, shakes hands.}

CHALMERS. Glad to see you.

JAY. This does make a real home-coming.
(SAji picks up grips, takes them down R.)

WEEMS. So you got here at last. It's about time.
(Moves to c.)

(PAT picks up remaining grip and carries them

Off up L.)

JAY. It sure is ! I'm glad I'm back in little old
New York. (Crosses to R. of hamper, L. of WEEMS)
Here, tell Pat to take that hamper down to the
cellar, and Saji, take my grip to my room.

SAJI. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. (Picks up suit-case,
it flies open and spills contents. Among contents is
framed photograph of girl.}

JAY. Lord, you're just as careless as ever.

SAJI. So sorry. Oh, I break glass, on pretty
lady's picture. (He picks up picture and shows it
to JAY.)

JAY. Sh sh -Go on, get out of here, never
mind pretty lady. (Takes picture from SAJI, slips
it -under cushion, R. end of sofa}

'es sir, yes sir. (Gathers up grip and
articles and exits L. i.)

WEEMS. See here, Reginald, why didn't you let
me know you were on your way home? I'd have
met you down !he Bay.

JAY. You would? Say, I'd never have thought

you'd fro out of your way like that, for me. Honest !

C.) I've been half out of my mind,

hanging around here waiting. I'm a nervous wreck.


JAY. (L. of WEEMS) You weren't a nervous
wreck in Spain. Say, I haven't seen you since
since we met in Madrid.

WEEMS. Oh, Madrid!

JAY. Glad to see you back safe and sound.
The way you were hitting the high spots there, you
had me sort of worried, naughty, naughty !


WEEMS. That's just what I've got to talk to you

JAY. Well?

WEEMS. Reginald

JAY. Why the bassoon voice? Gout?

WEEMS. Well, the fact is you see I want to tell
you er er

JAY. Yes?

WEEMS. (To CHALMERS) You tell him.
(Crosses up back of table and down R.)

CHALMERS. (Crosses to R. of JAY c.) The fact
is, Mr. Jay, in your absence there has been an un-
fortunate family complication.

JAY. Family complication?

WEEMS. It's Constance.

JAY. (Crosses to L. of table) Constance?

WEEMS. She wants to divorce me.

JAY. Not a divorce!

CHALMERS. And we need your co-operation.

JAY. Why mine ?

''. VJ-.KMS. (Sits R. of table) She had a detective
follow me. Oh my er business trip, through

JAY. Business trip ! You mean pleasure trip,
Guardy, well ?

WEEMS. Well, in short, she's learned from her
detective's report that you could give her all the
testimony she needs





JAY. Oh say now (Rises')

WEEMS. (Rises, crosses to R. of JAY) My boy,
she must not have your evidence.

JAY. But if the detective got the evidence, why
does she need me?

CHALMERS. She can't use his evidence. The
detective suddenly died.

JAY. (To CHALMERS) Oh, not murder! (To
Y\'EEMS) I didn't think you had the nerve.

WEEMS. No no (Moves to R.) Nothing of

the sort. But listen (Steps to R. of JAY) I
want a few weeks leeway

JAY. What are you going to do, murder
Constance ?

\\EEMS. No, you damn fool!

Ci are letters.

JAY. Letters ?


WEEMS. Constance has had an affair.

JAY. I won't believe it, I know Constance.

CHALMERS. We have seen copies of letters.
Compromising, very !

JAY. Oh foolishness! She's just a sentimental,
little romancer, that's all.

WEEMS. And I'm negotiating for the originals,
and then a countersuit. (Crosses to down R.)

JAY. Oh I say I wouldn't do that. Constance
is as good as gold. Don't go dragging her in. It's
so darned easy to queer a woman's reputation.

WKKMS. How about my reputation?

JAY. You haven't got any. Just let the case go
on trial and I'll go on the stand and lie out of it for
you. You can blame it all on me if you want to.
Letice and I were seen together.

WEEMS. Letice !

(CHALMERS crosses to R. of sofa, lifts cushion and
looks at picture)


JAY. Yes!

WEEMS. You're darned familiar.

JAY. Well, we became good friends.

WEEMS. Why you sneered at her.

JAY. Oh no, I didn't. (Sits front of table)

WEEMS. Besides, no, it won't do.

JAY. Now, let me go on the stand and testify.
I'll lie you out of it.

CHALMERS. (Steps to L. of JAY) You wouldn't
last through the first round. (Crosses to sofa and
unnoticed gets the picture from underneath the

JAY. How do you suppose I've lived to be thirty-
two if 1 couldn't lie like a gentleman?

WEEMS. You mustn't lie like a gentleman. You
must lie like a liar. (Sits R. of table)

CHALMERS. (Advancing towards c. holding
picture behind back) All right, you think you can
lie in court. Very well, I'll cross-examine you.

JAY. Oh, give me a little rehearsal, eh ?

CHALMERS. Just take the oath, please. QAY
raises his left hand) Shift hands. Whole truth,
nothing but the truth, so help me God.

JAY. (Sits L. of table raising R. hand) So help
me God.

CHALMERS. Now if they ask you where you
were, where were you in October, 1916?

JAY. October, let's see. (Looks uneasily at
WEEMS) I'll have to say I was in Spain.


JAY. Because such a lot of people knew about it.

WEEMS. But er

JAY. I've got to say Spain because I sent back
such a lot of post cards. Everybody knows.

CHALMERS. Answer. Where?

JAY. Oh everywhere. Ronda, Madrid, Barce-
lona, Seville, the regular thing.

CHALMERS. Did you see Mr. Weems, the defen-


dant, in Madrid? (Points to WEEMS)

JAY. No I did not.

CHALMERS. You didn't?

JAY. I didn't. (Looks around for congratula-
tion on his lie) How's that?

CHALMERS. Be careful. You were both regis-
tered at the Hotel Casa Grande on October the I4th.

JAY. Oh very well then. I'll make it a glimpse,
a glimpse.

CHALMERS. He was alone?

JAY. Regular Robinson Crusoe.

CHALMERS. Then why did he have the bridal
suite ?

JAY. Do I have to answer that?


JAY. Oh um she (WEEMS excidedly inter-
rupts and JAY corrects himself) he asked me to
stop with him for a few days. (Winks at WEEMS.
CHALMERS looks at JAY)

CHALMERS. You said you only glimpsed

JAY. You're so persistent.

CHALMERS. Now, one more question. Do you
know a lady named Letice Montjoy?

JAY. Never heard of her.

CHALMERS. (Crosses to get picture from sofa)
Indeed! Then why was her picture in your grip
with this written on it. "From Letice to Reggie."
(Hands picture to JAY)

WEEMS. (Rises) What! What does she mean
by giving you that picture? (Steps to R. of JAY and
snatches photo)

JAY. Well, why shouldn't she give me her
picture? (Rises)

WEEMS. Well, why should she ?

JAY. If you can give me one reason why she

WEEMS. Look here are you the man she shook
me for.


JAY. No!

WEEMS. Did she follow you to Barcelona?

JAY. No, she did not. (Crosses to L. to R. of

WEEMS. I think it's a mighty curious thing.

JAY. Oh I knew you would, that's why I tried
to hide it. (Crosses to L. c.)

WEEMS. (Follows JAY) Ha, so you tried to
hide it.

JAY. Of course I did, I knew you'd think the

WEEMS. And I'm always right.

CHALMERS. (Steps between WEEMS and JAY)
Most unfortunately I'm convinced of Mr. Jay's

WEEMS. Innocence !

CHALMERS. And this is no time to drag in the

JAY. (To CHALMERS) You did that!

CHALMERS. The fact remains, you can't testify
without ruining the case

(JAY moves to hamper}

WEEMS. Oh hang Letice. Reginald, you've got
to see me through. Listen, I suspect something.
But I've got a plan. All I ask of you is three
weeks. (Steps to R. of JAY)

JAY. (Sits on hamper) Three weeks? That
sounds awful. Say, why can't I just beat it out
of the state?

CHALMERS. (Crossing down R.) Don't worry,
you're going.

WEEMS. Immediately, before they get to you to
subpoena you as a witness. (Crosses to L. of table}

JAY. Gee, this is a happy home-coming.



PROCESS SERVER. (Looks around and picks out
WEEMS; crosses to him) Beg pardon, you are Mr.
Reginald Jay ?

WEEMS. (Haughtily; points to JAY) Certainly
not. There is Mr. Jay.

PROCESS SERVER. (Crosses to JAY, hands him a
document) Here's a subpoena. Weems versus
Weems, Sorry. Good day. (Exits up c. Dead
silence till exit of PROCESS SERVER)

JAY. He's sorry it's a good day.

WEEMS. It's come!

CHALMERS. That settles it.

WEEMS. You must leave the state and stay out.

CHALMERS. But when he returns they'll put him
in jail.

WEEMS. Jail! Oh Lord, he wouldn't be safe
there !

JAY. (Down R. c. to front of table'} Now,
Guardy I'd like to help you but I won't go to Jail.

CHALMERS. (To R. of table) Well, then,
(Rises) you've got to go to bed !

JAY. Go to bed ! Who, me ?

CHA-.MERS. (L. of table) Yes! I've gone over
the whole matter. It's the only other way. We

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