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Ethel Watts Mumford Grant.

The auto guest book; being the maxims of Punbad the railer ga raja of the Punjob, vice-roysterer of Notsopoor online

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THE

UTO GUEST BOOK

OF MOBILE MAXIMS




ETHEL WATTS -MUMFORD GRANT

&> RICHARD BUTLER GLAENZER

RESPONSIBLE





THE LIBRARY

OF

THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA

LOS ANGELES







:he cop!
i!!!...!








Sing a song of ex-pense
(Pockets full of rye),

Four and twenty law suits,
If you live or die.











THE

AUTO GUEST BOOK

BEING THE MAXIMS OF
PUNBAD THE RAILER
GA RAJA OF THE PUN-
JOB, VICE-ROYSTERER
OF




RENDERED INTO

THE VERNACULAR AND

HIGHLY DECORATED

BY



ETHEL WATTS-MUMFORD GRANT
# RICHARD BUTLER GLAENZER



PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY
SAN FRANCISCO AND NEW YORK




Copyright, 1906
fey Paul Elder and Company



Acknowledgment is due

The Century Magazine

The Outing and Town Topics

for their permission to

reprint a. number of

the following

maxims



The Tomoye Pres




The chariots shall rage in

the streets, they shall justle one

against. another in the broadways;

they shall seem like torches,

they shall fun like the

lightnings.

Nahum ii: 4.




665858



Such is the passing auto:

a honk a g-r-r-r-r a whizz a

whiff a whir-r-r!

The Hippophiliana ofPunbad
the Railer, xiii: 23.




HERE BEGINNETH THE
MAXIMS OF PUNBAD
THE RAILER**




The horse goeth not ten parasangs an hour,
neither doth he explode.



t''i



'/



*-



Time:



Place:



Cast:




x:

*&&

* x ,rv\

.' v-/>;'^
i?.4;

uir*l J x . f .' jc 1 ? * ^ - y '

W'^^QHts

^Tf^?



Though thou swear by

thine auto seven times, the eighth thou wilt

swear at it: that is Kismet



Time :



Place



Cast:




To lie is beneath contempt, but to lie beneath
one's auto is contemptible.




Tarry when chased, ye may repent at
seizure.



Time:



Place:



Cast:





To speed is human; to be caught is fine!



.f^y'' y> V

i~\~*''~f' . (-. . ;)*; ,



Place:



Cast:




And who tempers the wind to the sore
and damned?



Time:



Place



Cast:





A broken mirror is a sign

of approaching misfortune especially if

it fall in thy path.




They that are slain by the auto, die not in
the odour of sanctity.



Time:



Place



Cast:




*fe



Judge not an auto by its smell: all com
parisons are odorous.




If thou runnest across a friend cut him
not lest thou skid



Time :



Place



Cast:





Today thou ridest

in thine integrity; tomorrow may discover
thee a man of parts.




It is a short ride that hath no mending.



Time : Place :

Cast:




A rolling stone corrupts good language.



"c-'XV
rsffe-S-'

. .A ^? *




All that glitters does not go.



Time:



Place ,



Cast:



i 7 .

las?




^

^S5ET1



A steep hill and a broken axle

will bring thee nearer to Heaven than an

unbroken word and a life of good deeds.



Place:



Cast:




Keep thy lamps lit and so avoid litigations.



Time: Place:

Cast:





So near and yec chauffeui i




Lo! it is said

of the scorcher: He is between the devil
and the steep fee!




By their toots ye shall know them.



Time:



Place:



Cast:




Approach railroads warily, lest they lead
thee to Heaven.



'ffi$**ifaf&^\' ^i ~* -ife X \ V; ***&$&
^Iv*-'* 1 * -vT ^&$^ " A. '^<TV^ 1 ^

^' s lr ^ juM&k V ^A^




Oils well that ends well.



Time :



Place



Cast:





Time:




One tires of

the policeman's pinch, but when the shoe
pinches, one retires.



Place:



Cast:



.*3rffaw

i** 1 ^

f



AK&



$M

.' ',>/;/;'<

pfn

/I... I **




Wiser than his own

generation is he who knoweth liis auto.

HE IS A PROPHET.




If it be scorching in August,

scorch in thine auto and thou wilt be cooled:

this is a true principle of homeopathy.




An auto at speed is a fiend indeed.



Time : Place :

Cast:





As a man, bless thou

the name of Adam ; but as an autoist, the

name of Macadam.




Though thine auto

show the strength of two- score horse,
keep one more in thy stalls.



Time:



Cast:



Place




Though a man's word of honour

be very precious unto him, his word to his

Honour is not worth the $10.00.



Place:



Cast:




,r: ^



Say not, "We shall return at five": ye
may return at sixes and sevens.



Time :



Place



Cast:





Behold, the maxims of the land are

like unto those of the sea- "Speak not to

the man at the wheel!" (Tell it not

unto the marines ! )



Place :



Cast:




Hamper not thy

hampers with a beer ; behold, thy bier
awaiteth thee!



Time:



Place



Cast:



hr)




Take care of

the pennies, the garage will take care
of the dollars.




Give not thine

auto a name; thy neighbors will name
it for thee.



Time : Place :

Cast:




Why raise thine eyes

to the weather-cock, when thou

hast a nose for the

passing auto ?




If possession be nine points of the law,
self-possession is the tenth.




In thy speed, mock not the gentle cow ; the
cow-catcher may catch thee.



Time : Place :

Cast:




It is nicer to hitch

your wagon to a star than to hitch your
car to a wagon.




Remember, never to mend too late!



Time : Place

Cast:





Select thy chauffeur among the
snub-nosed; for it is said that garage per-
quisites run at ten perls) cent



Time:



Place:



Cast:



; VA.H;<J




r/" : : JILT IJMIII JMIII i u

' . m^P^K
\ ,* > : '%^lv' ! .^ I; W

* *i j^l (u*

^-v% \

\ V> ..."cJA



) to^^" J




A pleasant ride

is termed a spin, and not infrequently is
a yarn attached thereto.



Time:



Place



Cast:





Little ditches causs big fears.




Broker, see that thy brake break not, lest
thou be broken.



Time: Place

Cast:



r\ s





\- \i y-

i ^




No marvel if thou be among them who
have mistaken "gaol" for "goal."




Haste makes "chased."



Time: Place

Cast:





The chauffeur's maxim: Better never
than late!




Uneasy flies the head at which
^swears a town.



Time :



Place



Cast:





Spare the oil and spoil tharide.



Place



Cast,




An auto-mobile is the irony of etymology.



Time : Place :

Cast:





A necessary repair is like

a needle in a haystack. Pay up stoically,

but do not hope to find it




A fair exchange is no garage.



Time:



Place :



Cast:





His Honour hath profit in the
touring country !




A trained hand is best with a train at hand.




Autos, alas, may not be counted as
"blessings without number."



Time : Place :

Cast:





There is but ONE make of

motor-cars: THINE OWN. The rest are

a lot of Queer Machines on

four "wheels.



Place



Casf:




A well-tired auto

is like a well-attired woman ; nor do its
fashions change less often.



Time:



Place ,



Cast:




Pity not thy horse, which

can boast both sire and dam ; thine auto hath

no damn but thine to comfort it.




There's many a nip on an auto trip.



Time: Place:

Cast:





An auto is not without odour save in
its own front seat.



t'''i



P/ace:



Cast:




A fool and his tonneau are soon carted.



Time : Place :

Cast:




IV-



None are so fined as those who don't flee.




Where law ends, speed really begins.



Time : Place :

Cast:




Money frees the route of all evil.



Place:




At thy highest speed
outstrip not the water-wagon : rock and

rye go too often together.





Time:



Place



Cast:



if

w




Drive not twice into a hearse,

lest thou continue thy journey in it Once

is but a rehearsal.



~/*>



Place:




A race of autos doth breed disaster.



Time : Place :

Cast:





Smell is braved with good inventions.




Once a man blew his own horn in
his vanity ; now he bloweth it in his auto,
yea, also is he hailed wise.



Time:



Cast:



Place



IS"



T '*

A




Where there's a bill there's
a way.




Less dangerous for thee
is a road full of frisky horses, than a tummy
full of ponies of brandy.



Place:



Cast:




Where wigs are found amiss, 'tis goggles
that disguise.



Time :



Place ,



Cast:





Blessed be the pace-maker, for he shall ride
in no man's dust.




An auto that rattles is like

a fool that prattles : an abomination to the

soul and a vexation to the ear.



Time:



Place



Cast:




Hide not thy light

under a bushel, or thou wilt find thyself
in a peck of trouble.




In the morning slow thy speed, and in the
evening withhold thine hand.



Time :



Place ,



Cast:





Of thy chauffeur, tell the truth; it won't
shame the devil.




When thine auto is "out for

repairs," stay thou at home and so spare

thy chauffeur the embarrassment

of an encounter.



Time:



Place



Cast:




A motorphobe and a motorphile

are the same man before and after his first

motor ride.



Place:



Cast:




Though you can't make a man drink, you
may lead him to auto.



Time:



Cast:



Place




It requires all the sand and

rocks of the vernacular to overcome the

rocks and sand of the subvehicular

but the judge gets the dust!



Time:



Place:



Cast:




' j

jj-'i^f :?*-*



Celerity is the mother

of prevarication; yea, the truth corneth

harder than a flint road.



Time:



Place ,



Cast:





Favour wealth and

old age in thy victims: for so will

the heirs behold in thee

an instrument of

Providence.




In this is an auto like a

maid: if she cannot be led to spark, there

is no "go" in her.




Consider the

autos of the heir: they toil not and yet
do they spin.



Time:



Place



Cast:





If a passer-by console thee with
"Get a horse," smile upon him ; but remem-
ber to get his in thy next
"mix-up." *




Gabriel's horn is already becoming the
horn of plenty.



Time : Place :

Cast:





More fatal is a loose tire than

a tight chauffeur; also, thou mayest make

way for the latter, but the former may

only make way with thee.



Place:




One "if" is there, which remains uncondi-
tional the cher-if. :i:

* See Ollendorf.



Time



Place:



Cast:




There is a moral as well as

a verbal difference between autograph and

auto-graft: the one is longhand,

the other underhand.




Far better a dead chauffeur than one who is
"half shot"



Time : Place :

Cast:




" 1*

K^/SO" ^' ft




If thou ride through

a French village, thou wilt find that a pig
is a poke !




Better a horse

with a dinner of herbs than a stalled
auto and contention.



Time :



Place



Cast:





Of thy neighbor's auto: A hitching line
saves time!




Two things doth the autoist

leave always behind him : his common sense

and the commoner scent of gasoline.



Time:



Place



Cast:





Dust under dust and still more

dust to fare,
Sans wine, sans dinner, and sans

all save swear.




A girl in the auto is worth two in the push.




Better a live dodger than a dead scion.



Time : Place :

Cast:




He jests at cars who never rode around.




If thine auto offend thee,

take it out and cast it from thee, lest speedily

thou be cast from it



Time



Place



Cast:




Always too slow for the chauffeur, no mat-
ter how rapid the pace;

Always too fast for the public, who consider
two autos a race.



2__~2*



:-.'




A of detention does not produce a
tonneau-cure.



Time :



Place



Cast:





Of thine own auto : Take it an inch and it
gives thee a smell.




Lots of little autos,
Brains of little sand,

Make a big commotion
In a peasant land.



Time :



Place .



Cast:



-A




Remember to pour oil on troubled autos.




Many who think they're off, remain
to stay.



Time : Place :

Cast:





Punctu(r)ality is the thief of time.




Verily, warily, / say unto you ! (And don't
you forget it. )



Time :



Place



Cast:





Thrice sober though thou be,

if thou find another empty tank thou

shalt become too full for

utterance.



Place:



Cast:




The last auto in the race : All is lost
save odour.



Time:



Cast:



Place ,





A dog in the manger may be mean, but far meaner is a

dog in the road.




One or more entire fingers $300 00

One or more entire toes 400 00

Dislocation of shoulder 200 00

Dislocation of elbow 200 00

Dislocation of wrist 250 00

Dislocation of hip 600 00

Dislocation of knee 300 00

Dislocation of ankle 300 00

Dislocation of two or more toes .... 100 00

Dislocation of fingers 100 00

For complete fracture of bones :

Of the skull, both tables 650 00

Of the lower jaw 150 00

Of the clavicle (collar bone) 300 00

Of the pelvis 500 00

Of the thigh ... .... 600 00

Of the leg 400 00

Of the patella (knee cap) 400 00

Of the arm, between elbow and shoulder . . SOO 00

Of the forearm, between wrist and elbow . . 300 00

Of two or more ribs 200 00

Of the foot 250 00

Of the hand 250 00

Of two or more toes 200 00

Of two or more fingers 200 00

Loss both hands 11000 00

Loss both feet 11000 00

Loss both eyes 11000 00

Loss one hand . . . . . . . 5500 00

Loss one foot 5500 00

Loss of time (not exceeding two hundred weeks) accord-
ing to occupation.

Accidental death 11000 00



A tonneau is a tight squeeze surrounded by leather.
( Take thy seat and halve it, too ! i



EXPENSE ACCOUNT



Car No.-



To Car ( initial cost )

Local Licenses .......

Chauffeur, his salary [ ! ]

Chauffeur, his " wet dinners " ....
Sundry repairs according to chauffeur .
Sundry repairs according to fact

Chickens, a la roue

Fuel

Widows and orphans

Sheriffs sub rosa ... .

Long Island villages

Dogs and mongrels . . . .

Tools, bandages, plasters, etc

Fines

Wounded and maimed ....

.
Goggles, caps, coats, etc. .....

Veils ( in style ) .......

Tow fares

Carried forward



All flesh is grass, but think not therefore that it
needeth cutting.



EXPENSE ACCOUNT



Brought forward .
To Pigs, an Macadam

Bribes

Geese, with two wings .
Geese, without two wings

Blackmail

Non-skidding devices
Searchlights ( the latest ! )

Booze

Hospital

Trained nurse

Breach of promise . .

Car fares



Total



For ye the Book of the Law beginneth with Revelation
and endeth with Judges and Lamentations



ADVERTISEMENTS



DR. PUNBAD'S FAKINA

THE BOON OF

MANKIND

Guaranteed to allay, alleviate, and dissipate

Automobiliousness, Cussitis,

Slocomotor Ataxia, Pneumatics, Sighatica, Rumbago,
Hippophobia, and every form of Jim-jams



Prepared and dispensed by the Wizard of
Medicine, Swami Kwikicuranda Punbad,
Q. E. D., D. V., Cousin to his Royal High-
ness, The Vice - Roysterer of Notsopoor.



Price, $5.00. Sold in quart bottles only. The case
of a dozen for $55.00



Literature Supplied on Application to

THE PUNBAD BARMICIDICAL CO.

49 Kilcutta Street, Kilcutta, Punjob






The Chauffeur's ghost: To go like the devil, is good; to
have gone for good, is the devil!

ADVERTISEMENTS

TRADE MARK TRADE MARK

Mme. Loop de Gappe's

Carefully Concocted
Cooling, Comforting Cucumber

REGISTERED Cold CrC^ITl REGISTERED





The Autoists' Auxiliator

Deadly Dust and Disastrous Dirt
Directly Discharged

Redness, Roughness and Rinkles Readily

Removed, Relieved or

Reduced

Try It! Try It! Try It!

Mme. Oiloisa Loop de Gappe

Room 39, St. Vitus Arcade, New York
$2.00 in porcelain jars. $122.00 in jade jars. Express charges extra.






3V Grant -

1023 Vhe auto guest






GV

1023
376a





1

Online LibraryEthel Watts Mumford GrantThe auto guest book; being the maxims of Punbad the railer ga raja of the Punjob, vice-roysterer of Notsopoor → online text (page 1 of 1)