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field all to himself, as if by general
consent, directly he evinces any dispo-
sition for a combat.

If there is a battle, he wins it
personally, without the aid of anybody else ; and he treats the admiral as if he were a
mere cipher, as in fact he is, for he generally comes in, when all is over, at the head
of his staff, to promote the British seaman, and to tell him that his country owes him a
debt of everlasting gratitude. If the tar is a married man, he invariably leaves his
Polly without the means of paying her rent ; and when he returns, he generally finds
her rejecting the dishonourable proposals of a man in possession, who is making
advances either on his own account or as the agent of a libertine landlord. In these
cases the British seaman pays out the execution with a very large purse heavily
laden at both ends, which he indignantly flings at the shark, as he figuratively describes
the broker's man, who goes away without counting the money or giving any receipt
for it. The stage tar sometimes carries papers in his bosom, which, as he cannot read,
he does not know the purport of ; and though he has treasured them up, he has never
thought it worth while to get anybody to look at them, but he generally pulls them out




36 LETTER FROM A FRESHMAN AT CAMBRIDGE.

in the very nick of time, in the presence of some old nobleman, who glances at them,
and exclaims, " My long-lost son ! " at the same time expanding his arms for the
tar to rush into. Sometimes he carries a miniature, and finds in some titled dame a
mother to match it, or pulls up the sleeve of his jacket and shows a stain of port- wine
upon his arm, which establishes his right to some very extensive estates, and convicts
a conscience-stricken steward of a long train of villanies. At the close of his exploits
it is customary to bring in the union-jack (nobody knows why it is introduced or where
it comes from), and to wave it over his head, to the air of " Rule Britannia."



LETTER FROM A FRESHMAN AT CAMBRIDGE.



MY DEAR NED,

Not being very well this morning, I sit down to give you a short account
of " Alma Mater," as we call Trinity College. I have now been up here some
weeks, and have seen a great deal during that time. Cousin Philip, who promised my
mother that he would do all he could for me when I came up, has been as good as
his word. He was exceedingly kind in showing me all over the place so that, really,
I can scarcely fancy that I am a Freshman.

I must begin by telling you a little about our life here, which, I assure you, is a very
merry one. I go. to chapel fourteen tunes a week, which, however, I begin to find
rather slow, as we have to get up at seven in the morning. It is generally pretty full ;
the betting men sit at one end of the chapel, in a place called Iniquity ; a good way
from the Dean. We dine in Hall every day, which I like very much ; I should like it
better if they did not give us cold plates, and there was not such a squeezing and
clattering, and one could get what one wanted. The waiters are all deaf ; they laugh
and run away when you speak to them, and never come again. As for the College, it
is a fine old place. There are very nice smooth grass-plots in the Courts, on which you
may walk as long as you like for half-a-crown ; that is, until you are caught by the
Porter, who is always on the look-out. The Tutors often walk over them, but I suppose
the Undergraduates find it too expensive.

As to our dress, we wear queer-looking bluish gowns, and square caps, which are very
curious and ugly. They look more like a little tray with a slop-basin on it, than
anything I can compare them to. You put the slop-basin on your head, and there is a
silk tail to the tray, which hangs down over your face, and gets in your eyes. Cousin
Philip showed me how to put it on ; however, I saw everybody smiling and staring at
me, as I walked down King's Parade, and found afterwards that he was wrong about
it, and had put it on liind-side-before ; which is very extraordinary, considering the time
he has been at the University.

He took me to look at the Lions of Cambridge, which I wished to see, as I
had often heard people speak of them. They are seated on a building called the
Fiizicilliam. I thought the attitude very good ; but I must say that I was, on the
whole, rather disappointed hi them. I afterwards went to a supper-party in his rooms ;
there were nearly twenty men there, and we were very jolly. I played at cards for
some time, which I liked very much ; however, when we got up, I found I had lost at
least thirty shillings all my pocket-money for a month ! I didn't like that quite so
well. The men were exceedingly polite ; they all asked me to take wine, and I
afterwards smoked several cigars and drank lots of Copus.



LETTERS FROM A FRESHMAN AT CAMBRIDGE.



37



I remember their drinking my health, because, as they said, I was a jolly good
fellow ; and I think I returned thanks. I am not confident about that, nor do I exactly
recollect how I got back to Trinity ; but I have an idea that the porter at the gate asked
me my name, and that I replied by hitting him in the wind, and afterwards shinning
him for some time. I fear I must have injured the poor man, as he has complained of
me to the Dean, and I am gated for a fortnight.

By the bye, after I got away, I found that somebody had stolen my new cap, and
left his own in its place such a rotten old thing ! Do you know, I half suspect Philip ?
he had a bran new one on this morning ; but I didn't exactly like to ask him. Perhaps
it was a mistake.

I must say, I don't enjoy smoking at all ; but, as every one here smokes, I suppose
it is necessary. I am told here that smoking is a classical custom, which the ancient
Greeks were greatly addicted to, and that there is near London a temple dedicated to
Apollo, and caUed the Grecian Saloon, where individuals meet to discuss the cheroot,
which was originally brought over from Cheronea, a city in Bceotia. The real thing is
to smoke with a lady on each arm.



\




Fashions in the East.



Some of the men whom I met yesterday advised me to get an order for cigars
from my tutor. I called on him, and asked for one ; but he only laughed, and said
he was afraid I had been hoaxed. This sort of joke is called a sell at Cambridge :
and is very amusing. I couldn't help thinking Phil, must have intended to sell
me last Sunday. You must know, Ned, that on that day the men attend service at



VOL. i. NO. II.



38 MEASURE FOR MEASURE.



St. Mary's. Well, he told me that it was usual to go in a surplice and bands the
same dress as we wear in chapel. This, as I learned afterwards, was a direct falsehood ;
but what makes it worse is, that he pointed out a church at St. Mary's, which, after
waiting a long time for service to begin, I found was no church at all, but the PITT
PRESS ! It is very like a church, indeed ; and, while waiting there, I was joined by
another Freshman who had come under a similar impression. We walked home
together : everybody laughed as we passed them, especially the ladies, and we felt very
much ashamed.

I do not think, however, that I shall be sold again. You know there are only

three courts in our college. Well, to-day he told me that my tutor, Mr. , would

give me a ticket to see the fourth, if I asked for it ! I dare say ! I fancy I was
rather too sharp for him there. Ha ! ha ! I was not to be caught that way, and
laughed at him in my turn.

I suppose everybody is rather fresh, just at first ; and I hope the few little mistakes
I have fallen into are no disgrace to my name. I have just bought " Hints to
Freshmen," and have no doubt that I shall get on better for the future. When you see
the governor, would you ask him to send a little more money ? Cambridge is a shocking
expensive place.

Believe me, dear Ned,

Your affectionate brother,

A. GREEN.

P.S. Write soon, and be particular in directing "Adam Green." There are
several of my name in the college.

P. P.S. Only think, Ned! I open my letter again to tell you that I have just
received a note from the VICE-CHANCELLOR ! He tells me, most kindly, that indis-
position alone has prevented his calling on me before ; and hopes that I will do him
lite honour (those are his very words) of spending a week with him at his country-seat,
to meet the master of my college and a few friends. He is to drive me down to-morrow
in his dog-cart. I cannot imagine how he came to know that I had arrived ; but I have
met with nothing but civility ever since I entered Cambridge.

Phil, says he wishes he were going. I dare say he does, poor fellow ! I will
give you the particulars of our visit in my next. I must now go and look up my
wardrobe. Farewell !

P. P. P.S. Don't forget about the money.



MEASURE FOR MEASURE.



QUOTH temp 'rate Ned, whilst sipping mild Bohea,
" The drunkard dies by inches, as I 've seen ; "

" nonsense, man ! " cried thirsty Tom, " not he !
By inches ? No ! by barley-corns you mean."



ALICE BROMPTON; OR, THE LILY OF PARK LANE. 39



ALICE BROMPTON ; OR, THE LILY OF PARK LANE.



CHAPTER I.

1 Thou com'st in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee." SHAKSPEARE.



IT was on one of those January mornings which appear to be made expressly to suit
the purpose of the novelist, that a horseman might have been seen to canter along the
north bank of the Serpentine. A keen observer of the works of Nature will ascertain
that her labours are very multifarious, and that she has a great deal of business to
finish off before mid-day, which was about the hour at which our present history
commences. Nature had already dried up her nocturnal dews, and swept away her
morning mists, when the horseman had reached the receiving-house of the Humane
Society, which nestles on the river's bank ; while the boat-house, venturing more
boldly into the stream itself, extends its protecting shelter over the two or three
picturesque punts which snuggle together on the shore of the Serpentine.

Our hero for such we avow the horseman to be was one who might have been
taken to be of the middle height, as he sat on horseback ; but when allowance was
made for the bending of his legs, which were considerably longer than his back, it was
obvious that he must have been above the average stature. His features would have
been regular but for a prominence in the nose, which was slightly curved, a peculiarity
rendered more striking by the brilliance of the eye, which threw the other organ into a
relief of remarkable altitude.

The stranger's dress presented nothing out of the ordinary way, unless, perhaps, the
cut of the outer coat, the top button of which being left unfastened, allowed the collar
of a white waistcoat to betray itself.

The horseman had been proceeding, without evincing any particular emotion, till
he came in sight of the houses in Park Lane, when his features underwent a change,
which if there had been any one to look would have been distinctly visible. Fixing his
large black eye on the middle pane of the centre window of the third floor of one of
those princely mansions which surround our parks the green sward of which might,
perhaps, be compared to an emerald set in Portland stones, of which many of the
circumambient edifices are built our hero gave one of those deep groans which betray
the passion of a life in the breath of a moment. If that groan had been heard and
understood it would have been of itself a history, and much of our hero's past
biography might have been collected from it. The philosopher will read more in
one twinkle of the eye than in twenty printed paragraphs, and a sigh or a start, a smile
or a tear, a sneer or a shrug, will each be a little volume to the man of the world,
more full of meaning than the thickest folio that scholar ever laboured at. Our hero had
hardly concluded his groan, when he heard the clattering of hoofs on the newly-laid-
down stones hi the road behind him, and he had scarcely turned round to ascertain from
what the sounds proceeded, when the gay and high-spirited Honourable Harry Brornpton
dashed up to his side.

" Why, Singleton," exclaimed Brompton. " Why, Singleton " (such was our hero's
name), " I did not expect to find you stirring so early."



40 ALICE BROMPTON; OR, THE LILY OF PARK LANE.

" Indeed!" replied Singleton ; " then you little know me. These are not times
in which the true lover of his country can refrain from stirring. I have had very high
thoughts, and very passionate burnings hut no matter;" and he dug the rowel of his
spurs furiously into the flanks of his courser.

" Nay, Singleton, Singleton," exclaimed Brompton, lashing his proud charger to
keep pace with his friend, when the infuriated animal we mean the horse, not Singleton
hurst into a gallop, and driving fiercely in the direction of the Park Gate, it was
evident that Harry Brompton must be either carried into the curds-and-whey-house, with
a tremendous crash, or be whirled at full speed into the midst of the mass of vehicles
that are always to be found at the entrance of Piccadilly, at about the time when the
catastrophe happened.

Harry Brompton, who was an excellent horseman, and had studied the equestrian
art in Astley's ring, with admirable presence of mind made a tug at the off-side of
the horse's bridle, and drawing the creature round with superhuman strength, caused
him to describe a circle, of which Singleton, who had by this time pulled up, was the
astonished centre. The steed of Brompton having by this time exhausted his force,
was soon brought to a stop, and the two friends were standing side by side, opposite the
very window of the very house which had extracted from Singleton the extraordinary
groan, of which, in a former paragraph, we attempted to give the reader a faint
conception.

At the window to which we have alluded appeared a form of surpassing loveliness.
Beneath the wavy auburn tresses, which hung round the whitest brow like the finest
of silken fringe over the purest alabaster, there beamed a pair of eyes which might
be rather likened to little specks of liquid coal, so gushing were they in their jetty
blackness. A mouth for which Aurora seemed to have supplied the colour of the lips
from one of her earliest eastern beams, disclosed, when open, a set of teeth that the
pearl-diver might have sought in vain to match, if accident had deprived the lovely
owner of them.

" So, my sister has been watching us!" exclaimed Brompton. " Poor Alice, I
must hasten to assure her of my safety."

" Do, do," hastily added Singleton ; " I would not for the world that she I mean
to say that I trust Lady Alice will not feel any unnecessary degree of alarm ; " and he
turned his horse abruptly in the direction of Bayswater.

" Why, Singleton," cried Brompton, " where are you going ?"

Singleton bit his lips perceptibly, and drew his horse round in the direction of
Piccadilly.

" Nay, we must not part thus," exclaimed Brompton with earnestness. " Promise
that you will call in Park Lane. Alice, I am sure I mean that I shall be happy to
see you."

" I will call," replied Singleton, " for your accident may have shaken you ;" and
he laid a stress on the " your " and the " you" which was perfectly unmistakeable.

" Well," added the good-natured Brompton, " I care not for your motive, so
au revoir ; ' ' and cantering gaily off towards the Grosvenor Gate, he arrived in a
few minutes at the door of the family mansion. Singleton rode moodily off towards
St. James's Street. But what were his intentions in proceeding there, and what he
did when he arrived, must be reserved for another chapter.



ALICE BROMPTON; OR, THE LILY OF PARK LANE.



41



CHAPTER II.

" Di placer mi balza il cor." LA GAZZA LADRA.

AT the door of one of those splendid palazzi which almost turn Pall Mall into Italy, but
for the difference in the scenery on all sides, the sky above and the atmosphere around,
a chesnut cob might be seen to make a voluntary stop, as if obeying an instinct of its
noble nature ; for it is a beautiful fact in zoology that the horse will draw up again and
again at the door he has been in the habit of waiting at.

Throwing the bridle into the hands of a man in a red jacket, Singleton leaped from
his saddle at a bound, aud.taking two or three of those tremendous strides which are
the usual indications of an anxious mind, he ascended the steps of his club, and threw
himself on to a couch in the vestibule with his head buried in his hands. Our hero was
disturbed in the performance of this pantomimic funeral by the approach of a page
belonging to the club one of
those pages who had entered
the establishment a mere duo-
decimo, and was fast expanding
into an octavo size who put
into the hands of Singleton a
note, which by its perfume might
have come from Araby, had not
its stamp proclaimed that it had
been posted in Park Lane. Our
hero regarded the billet with
the deepest interest, and perused
the direction again and again.
" How strange it is!" he men-
tally ejaculated though what
a mental ejaculation is like we
shall not attempt to describe
" how strange it is that man,
at the very moment when" but
we are unable to give the re-
mainder of this mental ejaculation, for the honourable member suddenly burst open
the envelope, and read or rather devoured the following words :

" MY DEAR MR. SINGLETON,

" Whatever interpretation others may put upon the pas I have taken, I
feel completely assure that you will view the act avec all that bonte which is peculiar to a
caractere like votre : I wish to consult you on a sujet of the dernier importance, and I
beg of you to come with the utmost depeche to Park Lane.

" Believe me,

" Most veritablement votre

" ALICE BROMPTON."

Singleton, who had come to the club with the intention of writing all his letters on
the club paper, and dining on a chop for sixpence a charge which includes bread at




Singleton in a State of Mental Ejaculation.



42 LADIES' LOGIC.



discretion, with beer and pickles beyond discretion, if the member should not be
disposed to draw the line Singleton hastily made for one of the dressing-rooms, and
taking up one of the two hair-brushes set apart for the exclusive use of the thousand
members, he began arranging his hair. It is a curiously enigmatical trait in the human
character, that man in the midst of the most absorbing interests will pay attention to the
most trifling matters of routine ; and it was well said by one of the schoolmen that Nero
fiddled while Rome was burning, not because the city was in flames, but simply that he
might indulge his confirmed love of fiddling. So it was with Singleton. His heart
was almost at furnace heat when he received" the note from Lady Alice, and yet he
fiddled about with a hair-brush, as if there were no internal fire within ; and he stopped
to arrange his hair before he proceeded to avail himself of that invitation, which, for
weal or woe, was to make or mar his future fortunes.

(To be continued.)



LADIES' LOGIC.



THERE is as much difference between Logic Proper and Ladies' Logic as there is
between a Polka-Pelisse and a Macintosh. For supposing, as ladies, we believe,
generally suppose, all Logic to be stuff, Logic Proper is one kind of stuff, and Ladies'
Logic another kind of stuff.

The essence of Logic Proper is, the Syllogism ; which consists of three parts, the
Major, the Minor, and the Conclusion. Now in Ladies' Logic ah 1 Majors are out of the
question but Majors in the army, and no attention is paid to Minors unless they are
likely to come into property. The Major and Minor terms of a Syllogism are called
Premises. The premises of Ladies' Logic are such premises as Mr. George Robins talks
of. Logical premises ought to contain the conclusion ; but Ladies' premises contain
little but trinkets and needlework.

The following will serve as an example of a syllogism, according to the rules
of Logic Proper ; that is to say, of proper Logic :

MAJOR. " Every man who lives beyond his means is a fool."

MINOR. " I should be a man who lived beyond his means if I kept a carriage
and pair."

CONCLUSION. " Therefore, if I kept a carriage and pair I should be a fool."

The syllogism in Ladies' Logic is much simpler ; as thus :

MINOR. " Mrs. Dashington's husband keeps a carriage."

CONCLUSION. " Therefore my husband ought to keep a carriage."

In this instance we see that the first term, or major, is dispensed with ; so that, in
fact, the major is a minor consideration. This is a very convenient sort of logic ;
because the only correct major in the above instance would be as follows :

" Whatever Mrs. Dashington's husband does, mine ought to do."

Now this is a Major that many husbands would object to. As it is, they can only
question the conclusion. As :

" Why ought I to keep a carriage because Mrs. Dashington's husband does ? "

To which the (lady's) logical answer is, " Why ? why of course."

" Well, but," says the husband, " I don't see that."



A FRIGHTFUL NARRATIVE. 43



" Then," replies the wife, " you must be blind." There 's nothing so sharp as
woman's wit. She decidedly has him there.

There is another kind of syllogism in Ladies' Logic which consists but of one proposi-
tion. For example : "I don't like your friend Mr. Wilkins at all, William."

" Why not, my dear ? "

" Because he is so disagreeable." That is to say, " Because I don't like him."

The following are examples of syllogisms, according to the most approved rules of
Ladies' Logic :

Intemperance is horrible, therefore it is dreadful.
Swearing is ungentlemanlike, therefore it is vulgar.
That young man is talented, therefore he is clever.

One peculiarity in the chain of reasoning constituting Ladies' Logic is, that the
links of it are generally invisible. But there is a reply with which the ladies silence, if
not satisfy, all objectors " Oh ! what a stupid you must be ! "



A FRIGHTFUL NARRATIVE.

(BY AN OLD BACHELOR.)




ELIX Williers was my first and dearest friend. He was little as a
'boy, and little as a man ; the only thing great about him was his
heart, and that was large enough for an elephant. He had but one
fault, and that was a desperate one he was always in love. Jilting
did him no good ; if one woman played him false, he instantly made
a declaration to another. Fair or dark, short or tall, fat or slim,
were all the same to Williers ; his heart was like a carpet-bag you
could cram any amount of love into it. I used to tell him it would
be his ruin so it was that is, it will be. When he married I
cut him. Self-preservation is the first law of nature, and I didn't
know but matrimony was catching. I called him a fool, and he said
I was a brute. I never saw Felix for twenty years afterwards.
Last Sunday I had the blues ; I do have them sometimes, particularly when my
shirts have no buttons ; and I found two in that state on the day to which I allude.

Whenever I 'm in the blues I always call upon a friend ; if I don't get rid of the
megrims myself, I give them to somebody else ; and really there is some pleasure in
being sympathised with. Well ! I thought I 'd hunt up Williers. I thought that
twenty years were quite enough to owe a man a grudge, even for marrying.

Williers lives at Highgate, so I made the best of my way there. I used to like

Highgate once. I was then nineteen, and Mary Spiller was no matter, I don't

regret it now. Well, I found out Williers 's house, and just as I was about to ring the
bell, I saw Felix and his family turn the corner. I 'd been told that he had " his
quiver full " of children that one of his sons was " as big as a giant," and all that sort
of thing, but I never thought that poor Williers was so be-offspringed as I found him.

I shall not describe our meeting : he seemed to forget that anything had ever
occurred, and I 'm sure I never made a heartier dinner than I did at his table.



44



A FRIGHTFUL NARRATIVE.




There 's Felix and his family and yet he declares that he 's happy.

After a glass or two of port, we walked into the garden, and then back into the
house. As I passed the door of a small room, I paused, paralysed positively paralysed
by the objects which met my eye. Williers perceived my embarrassment, and then,
with the air of a man who feels that he hath " done the state some service," boldly
threw open the door, and requested me to follow him. Deliberately smilingly did
poor Williers place in a row the objects which had excited my horror. As he did so, he
said emphatically

" Those shoes are ^jl^ Bab y' 8 -

Pet's.
Harry's.
Mary Anne's.
Elizabeth's.




Frederick's.
Mr. W. Jun.'s.



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