George Howells Broadhurst.

Why Smith left home: an original farce in three acts online

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(then kisses her and walks rapidly to L. cor.)

(MAJOR appears in door L. 3 E., in time to see the
COUNT kiss Miss SMITH, shows rage and exits
L. 3.)

Miss S. Now we will consider everything ar-
ranged, and I'll be ready to sail with you to-morrow.
(going up stage towards R. 3 E.)

COUNT. You will leave by me to-morrow?

Miss S. Yes.

COUNT, (aside) Some more of dose sister busi-
nesses.

Miss S. (up stage) But I must ask you to ex-
cuse me now, I have so much to do to get everything
in readiness, but I will be prepared to see you at ten
o'clock. I am sure We will be very happy, (sighs,
exits R. 3)

COUNT, (goes up and looks after her) We will
be happy! I do not think she will by me be happy
a long time yet. (starts to L. 3 E., meets the MAJOR,
who enters. To MAJOR) Excuse me, but I wish
out by here to go.

MAJOR, (coming down c.) -A word with you,
sir!



94 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

COUNT. (R. c.) No, yes!

MAJOR. So, sir, I have found you, have I?

COUNT. (R.) No, sir. How could you find me
when I did not lose me myself?

MAJOR, (advancing towards COUNT) You are
the man who has robbed me of her love, (pointing
to R. 3 E. and referring to Miss SMITH)

COUNT, (c.) You must think my brain is full
of craziness.

MAJOR. (L. c.) But damme, sir, I saw you with
your arm around her waist.

COUNT. Dat was for her sister.

MAJOR. Indeed, sir, indeed. I also saw you
kiss her. Perhaps that was for her grandmother.

'CouNT. (c.) Now I am in der grandmudder
business.

MAJOR. (L. c.) I repeat, sir, you are the man
who has robbed me of her love.

COUNT, (c.) I told you once more again, you
are mistaken.

MAJOR, (starting L.) You equivocate, sir, you
equivocate, (turns toward COUNT) You could not
help loving her, I have loved her since she was a
baby.

COUNT, (c.) You have lofed by her since she
a baby was?

MAJOR, (going c. to COUNT) Yes, sir, I have
sir, and until this afternoon, I had every reason
to believe that my love was returned.

COUNT. Hush ! Do not speak him so loud. If
Mr. Schmidt was to know about dat he would for
you buy one marble tombstone.

MAJOR. But Mr. Smith does know, and he ap-
proves, sir! (starts up stage')

COUNT. One moment. (MAJOR stops) You
lofe by her, she lofe by you, and Mr. Schmidt he
approves. No ! Yes !

MAJOR, (coming down to COUNT) Yes, sir, he



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 95

does. And now, once for all, have you any objec-
tions ?

COUNT. No, sir! If Mr. Schmidt is satisfied,
vat is the use. (smiles and starts up stage) Und
now dat is all fixed I will go back by me to my
hotel and den I !

MAJOR. Don't move, sir, don't move.

(COUNT comes down c. to MAJOR. Enter SMITH
R. 2, goes c. to COUNT.)

SMITH. Don't move, sir, don't move, (picture)
Cross COUNT. Cross SMITH. Cross MAJOR.
(SMITH and MAJOR pointing to COUNT.)

COUNT, (c.) Now I am in the moving business.

SMITH. (R. c.) So, sir, you came here think-
ing to make love to my wife, did you?

COUNT, (c.) No, sir. What for I should? I
have seen the front side of her face.

SMITH. (R. c.) What do you mean by that?

COUNT. Why should I by your wife lofe be
making, when I can der same do by your beautiful
sister? (SMITH sits in chair R. and shows amuse-
ment)

MAJOR. (L.) So, sir, you do love his sister.

COUNT, (c.) (impatiently) Did I not told
you. Did I not told you, Mein Gott in Himmil.
Don't you not understand der English language?

MAJOR. (L. c.) Yes, sir, I do. You are the
man I want, you are the man who has robbed me
of her love.

COUNT, (c., angrily) I refuse mit you to con-
versation, (turns and starts up stage. Turns back
to MAJOR) You make me so mad by you dat in one
moment I I call you one lump of foolishness.



96 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

MAJOR. (L. threateningly) Be careful, sir, be
careful.

COUNT, (c.) What for of you should I be care-
ful? You cannot frighten me mit your bluffings.
(goes to SMITH) Dis man he insult me; so I will
told you I lofe your sister, dat is all right it is,
but he he lofe your wife, dat is all right not, it is.
(SMITH jumping up from chair)

SMITH and MAJOR. Eh ! what !

COUNT, (c.) He lofe your wife und say you
approve mit it. Ach, if anybody by me say dat, I
would take his head my hands between und twist
it round und round und round, (goes up stage)

SMITH, (crosses to L. to MAJOR) Major Dun-
combe, did you say that?

MAJOR, (indignantly) No, sir, I did not.

COUNT. (D. R., dropping down on SMITH'S right)
He say he lofe by her since she a baby was. Und
now, go on, buy 'him der tombstone, buy him der
tombstone.

SMITH. (L. c.) If I thought you did

MAJOR. (L. corner) Well, sir, what then?

SMITH. I'd break every bone in your body.

COUNT, (c. on SMITH'S R. urging him on) Go
on. Break it, break it.

(Takes R, corner. Miss SMITH, MRS. SMITH enters
R. 3.)

MAJOR. (L.) You insult me by thinking such a
thing.

SMITH, (in an angry tone) I'm not so sure of
that.

MAJOR. (L., same tone) Ah, but I am, sir.

SMITH. (L. c.) I am not, sir.

(MRS. S. going to SMITH.)
MRS. S. (L. c.) John, what is the matter?



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 97

MAJOR, (crossing to COUNT R.) I will tell
what is the matter. I am going to thrash this in-
terloper within an inch of his life.

COUNT. (R. cor.) And while him you do dat,
I will be doing what at dose moments?

MAJOR. We'll see what you'll be doing, sir, we'll
see. (starts up c.)

COUNT. (R.) Don't you think you can me make
afraid. I am a Von Guggenheim, (wheeling
around)

Miss S. (coming down between COUNT and
MAJOR) Stand back, Major Buncombe, stand back.
Have no fear, Count, I am here to defend you.
(putting her arms around COUNT'S neck) -

COUNT, (crosses c.) (extricating himself from
Miss SMITH'S embrace and crossing over to c.) I
do not want me mit your defenments. Leave me
alone mit myself, and your arms tie around by
your husband, (indicating SMITH, who is in L.
corner)

ALL. Her husband?

Miss S. My husband?

SMITH. (L. corner) I am not her husband.

MRS. S. ,( L - c -) I am Mrs. Smith.

COUNT, (c.) Vat you are?

MRS. S. (L. c.) I am Mrs. Smith.

COUNT. Den who is my beautiful Miss Smith?

SMITH and MRS. S. (L. and L. c.) She, of
course.

Miss S. (R. corner) I am, to be sure.

COUNT, (c., indicating MRS. S.) Mrs. Schmidt
(pointing to Miss SMITH) Miss Schmidt Lieber
Gott, I have made them twisted!

Miss S. (R. corner) Yes, Count, I am your
bride that is to be.

SMITH and MRS. S. Certainly she is.

COUNT, (c.) I can explanation. I see two
ladies walking on the street with one anudder side



98 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

by each. Mein friend, he told me they was Mrs.
und Miss Schmidt, so what do I think. Dat you
was Miss Schmidt (pointing to MRS. SMITH) and
dat you (pointing to Miss SMITH) was Mrs.
Schmidt. Do you not see, what else could I con-
clusion ?

MR. and MRS. S. Then you thought

MAJOR. (R. c.) And you mean !

COUNT. One moment, (goes over to MR. and
MRS. SMITH L. with back to audience, joins their
hands) Mein friend and brudder, I by you gife
up your wife, (rushes over to MAJOR and Miss
SMITH R. lack to audience, joins their hands) He
haf lofed mit you since you a baby was, und I
by y u gife U P yur husband, (goes back to c.)
By myself I gife up great thankfulness (bows to
all) und by all of you I gife up good evening.
(Exits hurriedly L. 3)

(The two couples stand hand in hand looking
dumbfounded for a few seconds. MR. and
MRS. SMITH smile tjie MAJOR looks embar-
rassed, Miss S. shows signs of crying. MRS.
S. laughs suppressedly. MR. SMITH also
laughs. Miss S. looks up at MAJOR as if about
to cry.)

Miss S. (R. corner) Major!

(R. c. Bus. of MAJOR puffs out cheeks looks straight
ahead.)

Miss S. (withdrawing hand from MAJOR)
Major !

(Exits R. 2. MAJOR looks at Miss S., expands
chest, marches up stage with a military step,
exits R. 3 E. MR. and MRS. SMITH laugh ou;
right.)



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 99

MRS. S. (c.) He thought I was Miss Smith.
(going to c. laughing)

SMITH. (L. c.) And he wanted to marry you
(laughs) and he wanted to marry you!

MRS. S. (c.) I don't see anything funny about
that.

SMITH, (c.) Don't you? Wei] I do.

MRS. S. Well, I don't.

(MRS. B. enters R. 3, carrying opera cloaks.)

MRS. B. It's time we were going.

SMITH. All right. Yes, that's what I thought
this morning, (crossing R.) I'll just give a part-
ing pat to my hair, and I'll be back in a minute.
(turns) Au revoir, Miss Smith. Wanted to marry
you! No Yes? (Exits R. E.)

MRS. B. (c. coming down, c.) You seem very
friendly.

MRS. S. (L. c.) To tell you the truth, auntie,
I can't think John has been flirting with that girl
but I wish to convince myself just the same.

MRS. B. (c.) How can you do it?

MRS. S. (L. c.) Easily enough. As soon as I
heard of this party here, I hurried to the cos-
turner's where I found something very suitable for
myself, and by paying double prices, I was able
to have a costume hurriedly made to order for you.
Both are now at Mrs. Flyer's awaiting our arrival.

MRS. B. (c.) Then the idea is for us to change
at Mrs. Flyer's, come back here and watch for our
husbands without their knowing anything about it?

MRS. S. (L.) Exactly.
. MRS. B. (c.) What are our costumes like?

MRS. S. (L.) Mine is the Queen of Hearts,
while yours is the exact duplicate of that which my
maid is to wear.



100 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

MRS. B. (c.) But the General may mistake
me for her.

MRS. S. I should think that an excellent idea
if I were in your place.

MRS. B. (c., going towards MRS. S.) Now I

understand. You do me credit, my dear, you do
me credit.

(GENERAL enters R. 3 E. He has a handkerchief
tied around his head, and his face wears a very
woe-beg one expression. MRS. S. draws MRS.
B.'s attention to the GENERAL.)

MRS. S. (L. apart to MRS. B.) Isn't he a pic-
ture? (looking at GENERAL)

MRS. B. (L. c.) (nudging MRS. S.) What is
the matter, Pet?

GENERAL. (going towards chair R.) Oh, my
head, my head, (seated) I am so sick, I am so
sick !

MRS. S. (aside, to MRS. B.) Doesn't he do it
well?

MRS. B. (to GENERAL looking at MARION and
then at GENERAL) I am so sorry, love!

GENERAL. It was all right until a minute ago
and zen it began to ache so much, so much.

(SMITH enters R. 2 with hat and coat.)
SMITH. (R.) Hello, what's the matter?
(GENERAL and SMITH exchange looks.)

MRS. S. (L. corner) The General has a most
severe headache.

MRS. B. (L. c. to SMITH) Most severe.

SMITH, (crosses to c. crossing to L. of chair)
Oh, yes, he mentioned it this morning. It's been
coming on all day.



WHY SMITH LEFtf

GENERAL. (R. corner pulling SMITH'S coat) No,
no, no. Just this minute. Just this minute.

(MRS. B. and MRS. S. exchange glances.)

(SMITH showing consternation, goes up stage and
puts hat and coat on chair.)

MRS. B. (crosses R., crossing back of GENERAL'S
chair) This is where the pain is (pulling hair)
isn't it, you poor dear?

GENERAL. Yes. Zat is ze place.

MRS. S. (crossing to GENERAL'S L. side of chair)
And here, too, with shooting pains occasionally.
(at the same time pinching with her fingers side of
GENERAL'S head)

GENERAL. Yes, that is it. Ze shooting pains, ze
shooting pains.

MRS. B. (crossing L. to SMITH) See how per-
fectly we understand the General.

SMITH, (c.) Oh, it isn't the headache that is
bothering the General. It is the fact that he can-
not go with you to Mrs. Flyer's this evening. That
is what is breaking your heart, isn't it, General?

GENERAL, (still seated, very much surprised and
pleased) Yes, that just breaks my heart.

(SMITH goes up stage to table.)

MRS. S. (R. c.) Then we'll stay home and nurse
you.

GENERAL. (R., rising quickly, goes down R.,
turns to MRS. SMITH) Not at all, not at all. I
am seek enough to keep me at home, but not seek
enough to keep you.

MRS. B. (L. c. to GENERAL) Are you sure you
won't be lonesome.

GENERAL. (R.) I am quite sure.



SMITH LEFT HOME.

MRS. S. (R. c.) Then we'll take you at your
word. Come, Auntie. (MRS. S. and MRS. B. go
up c. SMITH puts on cloaks of both ladies. MRS.
B.'s upside down) Come, Auntie, (going towards
L. 3 E.) We are very sorry, aren't we, Auntie?

MRS. B. Yes, very, very sorry.

MRS. B. and MRS. S. Dear, dear GENERAL.

(MRS. B. and MRS. S. exit L. 3)

SMITH, (taking coat and hat in hand, meets
GENERAL c. up stage) Everything all right?

GENERAL. Everything is beautiful, and you will
come?

SMITH. I will be here without fail, (aside, going
toward L. 3) I'll stop such proceedings in my
house. (Exits L. 3)

GENERAL, (following SMITH looks off L. 3) They
have gone, they have gone ! Bravo ! Bravo !

(GENERAL takes handkerchief from head, starts to
dance down stage R. and back again to c. where
he meets Mus. S. and MRS. B. who have entered
from L. 3 E. having seen him dance. Picture:
The GENERAL commences to groan as if suf-
fering from headache. MRS. S. c. GENERAL
goes R. to chair, MRS. S. following.)

MRS. S. (c.) What's the matter, General?
GENERAL. (R.) Oh, my head, my head, such a
headache oh dear, oh dear !

MRS. B. (L. c.) But you were dancing.

(SMITH appears at door L. 3 and catches GEN-
ERAL'S eye.)

GENERAL, (falling into chair) Wiz ze pain,
my dear, wiz ze pain.



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 103

MRS. S. (c.) That stupid Thomas hadn't the
carriage round. I suppose it is ready now, but I
really think we had better stay home and nurse you.

GENERAL, (rising quickly from chair and turn-
ing to MRS. S.) And keep you from Madam
Flyer's ? Nevaire ! Nevaire !

MRS. S. (c.) We thoroughly appreciate your
consideration. Be good to yourself, General.

GENERAL. (R. c.) I will, I will.

MRS. B. (going up c.) We should hate to have
anything happen to you, General, before we get back.

MRS. S. Indeed we should

MRS. S. and MRS. B. Before we get back.

(Exit MRS. S. and MRS. B. L. 3.)

GENERAL, (going quickly to L. 3 watching them
off) Zis time eet is all right.

( JULIA enters, comes down c. meets GENERAL.)

JULIA. (R.) Have they gone, General?

GENERAL. (L. c.) Yes, zey have gone.

JULIA. (R.) Then I'll call the others.

GENERAL. (L.) But I have no mask. .

JULIA, (crosses R. 3) Oh, that doesn't matter,
I told them you would be here. We are not going
to mask until later, (going to R. 3) Come in,
girls, everything is all right.

(At the same time GENERAL goes down L. to ex-
treme corner. Enter ELSIE, ROSE, BOB, MAJOI
from R. 3 chatting and laughing.)

GENERAL. (L. to JULIA) But are zere not go-
ing to be any ozzers?



104 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

JULIA. (L. c.) They won't be here for an hour
or so. We didn't know what time the family would
leave.

(MAJOR and ELSIE up stagv at table c. ROSE and
BOB down stage at R. of chair.)

ROSE, (seated R.) Where's Lavinia?
ALL. Yes, where is Lavinia?

(LAVINIA enters R. 3, sweeps down c., taking full
stage and standing c.)

LAVINIA. (c.) Don't you worry about Lavinia,
she's right in line, (speaking as she comes down
stage) How do you like them, girls?

GIRLS. Splendid ! Lovely !

LAVINIA. (c.) First time I've had 'em on. I
feel so dressed up I don't know what to do with my-
self I want you to look at the material. (Bus.
girls all go down stage and examine LAVINIA'S dress.
GENERAL walks up back of table L.) Those little
tails is real ermine the man in the store told me so.
A great bargain, a great bargain. Paid 78 cents,
marked down from $4.99.

(Girls go back to position. ELSIE goes down left
and sits in chair L. ROSE and JULIA back to
their old position.)

BOB. You don't say so.

LAVINIA. (c.) I do say so. I ought to know,
I paid for them. Paid for my crown, too, and I
think I've been done, it feels as though I had only
half a portion, (all laugh}

MAJOR. (L. coming down behind chair R. of
table L.) Why, the crown is all right, Lavinia.

ALL. The crown is all right!



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 1Q5

LAVINIA. (c.) Fine clothes makes a heap o'
difference. With these on I feel every inch a queen.

JULIA. (L. c.) But what shall we do until the
others come?

ALL. (up) Yes, what shall we do?

LAVINIA. (c.) Go right on o' course.

ALL. Good ! Good !

LAVINIA. (c.) But first of all I want to call
your attention to a new rule I am going to introduce
before the executive committee at the next meeting.

ALL. A new rule, (all stand up)

LAVINIA. (c.) Yes, and this is it. No cook
lady shall work for any other lady unless the said
lady can produce a certificate of character from the
cook lady who has just left showing that the said
lady is a fit person for the cook lady to associate
with, without losing any of that high standing in
society to which a cook lady is entitled by the nature
of her job.

ALL. Splendid! Splendid! Fine!

LAVINIA. (c.) This is a most important rule.
A cook lady without a character is like a balloon.
And why is a cook lady without a character like a
balloon because she's no good on earth. I am glad
it meets with your distinguished approbation. As
chairman of the entertainment committee, I calls
this meeting to order.

(// song is used, at the end of the song, all applaud
they encore ELSIE who comes up stage c.)
(Enter Miss SMITH from R. 3. At same time,
all come to c. and congratulate ELSIE.)

Miss S. (coming down stage) What is the
meaning of this? What is the meaning of this?

ALL. Miss Smith.
(GENERAL and JULIA exit L. 2 E. BOB and ROSE

R. 2. LAVINIA and ELSIE R. 3, all hurriedly.)



106 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

Miss S. (to MAJOR) Again I ask, sir, what is
the meaning of such proceedings in my brother's
house ?

MAJOR (L. c.) Only a little party given by the
girls.

Miss S. (c.) And you attend it, you who only
last night clasped me in your arms and swore that
you would alwa}^ love me, you who said that when
absence obscured me from your vision, the world
became totally eclipsed, you who vowed that in all
the garden of girls, I was the one little rosebud that
you wished to pluck and wear forever next your
heart, and this this is the faithfulness of man.

MAJOR. Faithfulness of man indeed. Did you not
listen to my vows of affection and intimate that my
love was returned ; did you not tell me to put again
to you the question to-day, and when I did, did you
not throw me over for a blonde-haired individual,
who instead of talking straight English, begins in
the middle and then branches ~off both ways "no,
yes"

(MAJOR and Miss SMITH exchange looks.)

The faithfulness of man indeed (taking R.
corner) how about the faithfulness of woman?

Miss S. Well, I was wrong, I admit it, but I am
not so much to blame after all, for no matter how
steadfastly the compass of a woman's heart may point
towards the man she truly loves, let it but come
within the influence of a title, and it really can't
help wriggling, just the least little bit. That is the
way it was with me, Major. I had to wiggle, that is
all.

MAJOR. If I knew that was all.

Miss S. It IP, Major, it is. Will you forgive me?

MAJOR, (taking her in his arms) Will you do
me a favor? (goinfj up *i(i(ic- towards R. 3) Promise
me you will pay nothing jibout what is going on here
to-night?



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 107

Miss S. I promise.

MAJOR. All is forgiven and forgotten. Repeat
those words that made me feel so happy last night.

Miss S. Oh, no, I couldn't.

MAJOR. But please do.

Miss S. Well, since you insist, I will. I think
you are the loveliest boy, Willie.

MAJOR, (taking her round the waist) Oh,
Willie !

(Both exit L. 3.)

(Enter JULIA L. 2 crossing c.)

JULIA. There, I managed to give the GENERAL
the slip this time, and now for the girls.

(Exit R. 3 Laughter off stage R. 3)
(Enter MRS. S. and MRS. B. L. 3 E.)

MRS. S. (up stage c.) Did you hear that ? Our
husbands are in there.

MRS. B. (up L. c.) What shame!

MRS. S. (c. up) It's worse. It's a disgrace.
But we'll show them that they can't deceive us with
impunity. Let us join them and see what they are
doing, (laugh. MRS. B. and MRS. S. start for R. 3.
MRS. S. stops MRS. B.) Xo! John is coming!
Go that way! (pointing to L. 3 E.)

MRS. B. (L. up) What are you going to do?

(MRS. B. takes cloalc and puts it on, chair up
stage L.)

MRS. S. (up) Go in there, (pointing to L. 3
E.)

MRS. B. (up) What are you going to do?

MRS. S. Find out several things. Among others
if that was a mistake this morning, and if he will
flirt with me, not knowing who I am.

MRS. B. A splendid idea. Of course he will.
(Exit L. 3 E.)



108 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

(MRS. S. stands in window lack c., back to audi-
ence throws off cloak as SMITH comes down.
Enter SMITH R. 3 masked.)

SMITH, (speaking as he comes on down.) They
are in there drinking my wine. Drinking my wine,
helping themselves. But I'll soon put a stop to
this, (turns and goes towards D. R. 3 intercepted
ly MRS. S. who is masked. To MRS. S.) Hello!
What is your little game?

MRS. S. (c.) I wish to get acquainted wiz you.
(in French dialect)

SMITH. (L.) Excuse me, not this evening.
(motions her aside)

MRS. S. (c.) Ah, but I have been how you
-say it? Oh, yes I have been keeping my eye on
you, and your face so handsome, and your phy-
sique so magnificent zey have made me want to
know you ever so much better oh, ever so much
better.

SMITH, (to R. of chair R. of table L.) Then let
me tell you that the wish does not awaken in my
breast that spontaneous reciprocity which is no
in other words, you have got the wrong man. (cross-
ing to table L.)

MRS. S. (L. c.) Zat could not be possible, Mon-
sieur, for I have seen you often and I recognize you.

SMITH, (with mask on still) Oh, no, you don't.

MRS. S. (L. c.) Pardon, Monsieur, but I do.
You are Mr. Smith, ze master of this house, (going
to c.)

SMITH. (L. removing mask looks at it, putting
fingers through eyes of mask. Going to c. aside)
I knew that was a cheap one. (to Mns. S.) How
did you know that?

MRS. S. (c.) Oh, I know many things you
don't /ink T know. For instance, you kissed Mad-
am's maid this morning.



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 109

SMITH. (L. c.) You know about that, too?

MRS. S. (c.) Everybody will know it to-
morrow. Ze Cook Ladies' Union are going what
you say oh, yes, are going to investigate it, and I
iiin on the committee.

SMITH, (going to MRS. S. c.) I want to de-
clare myself right here. That matter has gone far
enough. Imagine how my wife would feel if she
knew this was common talk.

MRS. S. (R. c.) Ah! Why should Monsieur
care how Madam feel. Julia is very pretty.

SMITH, (c.). What if she is. There is only one
woman in this world for me (turning back to
MRS. S.) and that is my wife.

(MRS. S. starts towards MR. S. then checks her-
self.)

MRS. S. (R.) Pardon, Monsieur, but if that is
so, why did you flirt with Madam's maid?

SMITH, (c.) I did not flirt with her, I'd hardly
spoken to the girl. I mistook her for my wife.

MRS. S. (c.) And you are not even fond of
Julia? Not ze least little bit?

SMITH. (L. c.) She is no more to me than a
statue in the library.

MRS. S. (R. c.) And you really love your wife?

SMITH. (L. c.). Lovelier! I adore her! (back
to MRS. S.)

MRS. S. (c. impulsively, strikes SMITH on lack,
exclaiming in a natural tone) Oh, John !

(SMITH falls against table, recovering himself and
recognizing the tone looks around for his wife.
MRS. SMITH afraid of discovery goes center
and again assumes character of maid.)

MRS. S. (R.) Pardon, monsieur, pardon.
SMITH, (c.) Of course I do, and I'd give any-



HO WHY SMITH LEFT HOME.

thing in the world rather than have her know this
silly story is floating about.

MRS. S. (R.) And if I could stop it?

SMITH, (c.) You could just about name your
own terms.

MRS. S. Zen I sink I can.

SMITH, (c.) How?

MRS. S. You wait here, and I will return and
explain, (going to door R. 2)

SMITH, (sitting in chair R. of table L.) And
remember if you do, you can count me your friend
for life.

MRS. S. (at door R. 2) I will remember, Mon-
sieur, I will remember. He loves me, he loves me.
I knew it all the time. Dear, old John !

(SMITH looks round at her, and she makes hurried
exit R.)

SMITH, (rising) That sounded like my wife's
voice? (looks around, sits in chair, takes up book,
pause) She asked me to wait here and she will
return and explain she will return and (rising,
going to exit R. 3) Oh, no it may be another one
of those five-hundred-dollar maids. (Exit R. 3)

(MRS. B. entering hurriedly from L. 3 comes down
center.)

MRS. B. (c.) My husband caught a glimpse of
me and mistaking me for that wretched maid, is
following me. I'll make it interesting for him.
(Sits in chair R. of table L. puts on mask. GENERAL
enters from L. 3 E. down c., looks about, sees
MRS. B., mistakes her for the maid.)

GENERAL, (c.) Most lofely and most beautiful,


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