H. A. (Henry A.) Du Souchet.

My friend from India; a farcical comedy in three acts online

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ERASTUS. Now, don't

(TILLY enters c. from L.)

TILLY. No, Mr. Underholt, I

ERASTUS. Will you get out?

(Exit TILLY c. to L.)
CHARLIE. What ?



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 39

ERASTUS. (up c.) What? Why, this mirror
panel in the screen

CHABLIE. (R.) Why, I

EKASTUS. (coming down R. c.) Now, don't lie
about it. Fm not going to kick my son, I'm proud
o f y OU y OU have redeemed yourself I forgive
everything of the past I paid for the broken window
and I'll order a new mirror at last we are going to
enter the portals of Society, and all through you
I'll give you a check for a thousand to-morrow
just to show my appreciation, (goes to OH.)

CHARLIE. Fd give ten to read Tweedle's obituary.

ERASTUS. Here's your gown. ( gives gown)
I'll take these to the girls the girls ! Think of the
position they'll gain and the marriages they'll con-
tract the upper four hundred By the way, what
has become of that scoundrel, Tom Valentine?

CHARLIE, (leaning on table R.) Oh he's under
the tab (Ton pushes his leg he falls)

ERASTUS. If I ever catch him in this house again
well, there'll only be me left.

(Exit R. u. E. below stairs.)

CHARLIE. Why didn't you tell him what you
thought ?

TOM. I changed my mind. (CHARLIE rises
TOM starts to rise)

ERASTUS. (outside) Here's the gowns, girls.

TOM. Another relapse (gets under table)

CHARLIE, (runs up c.) It's all right, Tom.

TOM. (comes out) Say, what is all this about?

CHARLIE, (down R. of Ott.) Well, last night
I was one of those corkers (motion drinking}
You know and I brought a fellow home with me
as a sort of squarer for the governor, I told him
he was a Theosophist, and he's up and hired him to
stay here as a sort of permanent fad



40 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

TOM. (R. near table) That's a good one on the
old man (laughs)

CHARLIE. Old man ! It's on me you may think
it's funny, but I can't see where the joke comes in.

TOM. Why don't you get him out?

CHARLIE. How can I? All the doors are
guarded besides, he's got no clothes.

TOM. Then he was speaking of him, eh? and I,
under that table with heart failure, thinking he
alluded to me.

CHARLIE. Will you kindly let that paltry affair
of yours drop for a moment and think of mine?

TOM. I'll go to the old man and tell (starts
to go c.)

CHARLIE, (intercepts him frightened) You'll
do nothing of the kind don't mention it to a single
soul our only hope is to get him out. (sees
BERNICE R. u. E.)

BERNICE. (outside) Tilly Tilly

CHARLIE. Bernice not a word to her I'll go in
and see if I can get him out without murder.

(Exit door L. 1 E.)

TOM. (following him L.) Don't leave me alone
I don't want to see him again.

(Enter BERNICE R. u. E. below stairs with yellow
robe on.)

BERNICE. Tom Valentine! (comes down R. of
Ott.)

TOM. Yes; come to beard the lion in his den
but what is this? (goes L. c.)

BERNICE. We have all joined the Order of the
Yellow Robe our disciple is now in his daily trance.

TOM. (aside) If Charlie had his way, he'd be in
his grave.



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 41

BERN-ICE. Have you seen papa ?

TOM. Don't mention that name so suddenly.
Yes, I've seen him but he didn't see me. I didn't
come here to see him there's another I want to
see you.

BEBNICE. (sits R. side Ott.) Now, papa, is the
best judge of these matters. Of course, when we
first came from Kansas City, you were all very
well but I'm the daughter of a millionaire, and as
we expect to enter the fold of the four hundred,
you're not exactly as brilliant a match as I should
make. Come be sensible; let's forget and be good
friends, (offers hand) I'll be a sister to you!

TOM. (L. c.) No, thanks, I have two of my own.

BERNICE. That's just like a man.

TOM. And exactly like a woman but it's a
bargain. (Sits and takes her hand) You'll marry
and I'll marry, but we'll remain the best of friends.

(Enters GERTIE with yellow robe on R. u. E. below
stairs.)

GERTIE. Tom Valentine!

TOM. (rises, goes L. c. BERNICE goes R.) Same
old Tom.

GERTIE, (down R. of Ott.) You know what Pop
said (imitates kick} But I like you all the more
for having nerve enough to tell him you were big
enough to play your own cards. Has he seen you ?

TOM. Seen me? No; if he had, he'd have raised
me.

(Enter MARIAN c. door from L.)

MARIAN. I trust I haven't kept you waiting-
but I really had so many calls to make I could not
possibly arrive sooner.

BERNICE. (R. c. GERTIE at piano introducing)
Miss Hayste Mr. Valentine, (bow)



42 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

MARIAN, (back of Ott. to BEENICE) I thought
I saw you from my carriage window, going into
Altaian's

BEBNICE. Shopping I bought the loveliest walk-
ing gown you ever saw (description to be given)
There were only two of them imported to this
country. (MARIAN goes L. and joins TOM. TOM
and MARIAN talk apart. Enter MRS. B. S., c. door
L. c.)

MRS. B. S. (up c.) Oh, girls, listen! How'd
do, how'd do Why, Tom Valentine, how do you do ?
I've been shopping and bought the most beautiful
dress (description to be given, identical with that
of BERNICE) There are only two like it in this
country.

(Exit c. to R. up stairs.)

GERTIE. She's got the other, (ring bell)
BERNICE. Was anything ever more provoking?
I won't wear it. (Enter TILLY c. door from L.)
Tilly, when a package arrives from Atlman's for me,
send it back at once.

TILLY. She was pooty mad already.

(Exit c. door to L.)

BERNICE. (up R. c. aside) To think of all the
women in New York, she should get that other dress !
(goes up R. c. and sits dejectedly chair L. of arch)

MARIAN, (c. crosses R.) Mr. Valentine has just
been telling me of a friend of his who has a broken
heart.

GERTIE. (R.) Man or woman?

TOM. A woman's heart never breaks.

GERTIE, (at table R. sighs) I'm glad I'm a
woman.

MARIAN, (near GERTIE at her L. to TOM) Are
you sure?



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 43

TOM. (looking at BERNICE who is up L. c.)
I think so, now. But I hope I'm mistaken, (goes
L. a step)

MARIAN, (feelingly) You are.

BERNICE. (rises up c. aside) He's flirting with
her. (up c.)

GERTIE, (crosses to door L. TOM goes bade of
Ott.) I wonder if Mr. Tweedle has come to
why, he's talking with Charlie! (listens, aside,
and sneaking away) They're swearing !

MARIAN, (crossing to table R.) Oh, you will
think better of women some day. Perhaps your
friend was a little to blame, himself.

BERNICE. (coming down R. of TOM to TOM)
There's no necessity for carrying on our love affairs
right before each other's eyes, (crosses to MARIAN
R.)

TOM. (aside) Jealous ! That's a good beginning
(goes up rather jubilant)

MARIAN. I'm so glad Mr. Tweedle has made his
home with you, and I know society will welcome
you with open arms if you'll get me a slip of paper,
I'll write you a list of all my acquaintances, (aside)
whom I don't know.

BERNICE. Come to my room we'll write it there.
(they start up R.)

MARIAN, (to Tom) Mr. Valentine, don't judge
all women by one standard.

TOM. Indeed I don't there are others.

MARIAN, (to BERNICE) I like your friend so
much.

BERNICE. Friend? Oh, yes, we are the best of
friends.

(Exit BERNICE and MARIAN R. u. E. upstairs.)

GERTIE. I'm going, too you'll excuse me, but
this is business; we've got a fad, and we're going to



44 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

work it for it's worth. And I don't mind telling
you, I'm sort of stuck on the fad, myself.

TOM. (up c.) So that's the lay of the land, eh?
Charlie has put his foot in it. By Jove ! An idea !
If I should succeed in straightening the thing out,
I might melt the old man's marble heart. I'll put
on my thinking cap, anyway.

(Enter CHARLIE door L.)

CHARLIE, (talking to SHAVER) I'll get something
for you.

SHAVER. You can't be too quick.

ERASTUS. (outside R. u. E.) Get out of my way.

TOM. (rushing up c.) The old man I don't
want to see him yet I'm on to the game, and I'll
help you out, and with one stone kill two birds.

(Exit c. door to L.)
CHARLIE. I'm both birds.
(Enter ERASTUS R. u. E. below stairs, with robe.)

ERASTUS. (comes down R. c.) Good idea, eh,
CHARLIE? Sort of Li Hung Chang effect. When
we give our reception we'll all wear 'em. I told you
we'd get in, and by Jingo! we will Is he safe?
(going L. u. E.)

CHARLIE. (R. c. aside) I hope he's dead ! (sits
hopelessly at piano, elbows on key head in hands)

ERASTUS. Hey, Tweedle!

SHAVER, (in room -L.) Who calls so loud ?

ERASTUS. Here's your new robe, (gives it)
All New York will worship at the Shrine and I'm
the shrine!

(Enter JENNINGS c. door from L.)



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 45

JENNINGS. The papers are all ringing us up on
the telephone they all want to know when a re-
porter can interview Mr. Tweedle.

ERASTUS. (L. Tell them he has nothing to say.
Mark ! I'm running this campaign ! We are on the
verge of society

(Exit JENNINGS c. to L. followed by ERASTUS.)

CHARLIE. Verge I'm down the precipice,
mangled to pieces.

(Enter SHAVER with robe L. u. E.)

SHAVER.' Does this set right in the neck?

CHARLIE, (seated at piano) Yes right in the
neck. Say, what are you going to do about this re-
ception ?

SHAVER, (coming c.) I'm in the hands of my
friends.

CHARLIE, (rises, crosses R. c. fiercely) Friends,
eh? You've got to get out of here.

SHAVER. (L. c.) Then "Lead, Kindly Light."

CHARLIE. Will you look at this thing seriously?

SHAVER, (sits on ottoman nonchalantly) I have

1 have calmly thought it all over. I wanted to

home, but you purloined my wardrobe, I think
tell the old

CHARLIE, (crosses to him) No no. That would
be my finish you must escape !

SHAVER. I'm sick and tired of your ethereal
propositions. I am here ready to go but you must
provide the way.

(Enter GERTIE R. u. E. from below stairs.}

GERTIE. (CHARLIE goes up c. in fit of despera-
tion) You have recovered from your trance?
(down R. c. to c.)



46 M FRIEND FROM INDIA.

SHAVER, (rises) Yes, but I expect another.

GERTIE. Were you in a far-off world?

SHAVER. No such luck. That is, no such lucky
circumstances. I was painfully in this world, with
your brother.

GERTIE. Do you like my robe?

SHAVER. Beautiful !

GERTIE. It's a trifle full

SHAVER, (sits c.) I wish I was.

GERTIE. I'll have it taken in.

SHAVER. Don't say that when you say "taken
in," you touch a sympathetic chord.

CHARLIE. Amen with all my heart.

(Enter BERNICE R. u. E. downstairs.)

BERNICE. (GERTIE crosses R. from CHARLES, up
R. u. to piano) Mr. Tweedle, Prince may I call you
Prince? (comes L. of Otto.)

SHAVER. Why, that's a dog's name.

BERNICE. How droll you are But may I call you
Prince ?

SHAVER, (in front of sofa L. Crosses L.) Yes

footprints.

BERNICE. What an exalted state your mind must
be in. You can commune with spirits.

SHAVER. Not half as well as your brother
(CHARLIE groans enter MRS. B. S. R. u. E. down
stairs with MARIAN in Yellow Robes)

MRS. B. S. (to MARIAN) Yes, it's the costliest
gown I have seen in any of the shops, (to ALL)
They said they had another just like it. I'm sorry
one of the girls didn't get it! (comes L. c.)

BERNICE. (crosses to R.) Mr. Tweedle, have you
been with your affinity since last we saw you ?

SHAVER. Yes, we had a few drinks that is,
draughts at the fountain of knowledge (aside)
This is getting absolutely monotonous.



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 47

(Enter ERASTUS c. from L. with papers and yellow
books. Enter TILLY from L. TILLY comes
down c. with ERASTUS.)

ERASTUS. Ah, ha! We've got 'em now, girls.

GERTIE. Who, papa ?

ERASTUS. Who? Society, of course. What are
we here for? (lays boohs on table, handing each
a paper; retains one) Look at this and this and
this. Didn't I tell you if ever I had a chance to
apply business principles to this thing, I'd fetch 'em ?
Read them big headlines. In big letters on the first
page, too. (ERASTUS chases TILLY up stage exits
TILLY c. to L. ERASTUS comes down L.)

MARIAN, (reads) The only American who ever
attained Nirvana.

ERASTUS. (MRS. B. S. just lack of Ott. patting
SHAVER on shoulder) What do you think of that,
my boy?

SHAVER. (L. CHARLIE goes up c. then drops down
L. aside ) Five years at hard labor, at least.

ERASTUS. Go on, go on.

MARIAN. (R. reads) Will he become a social
lion?

ERASTUS. Ah, there it is ! Will he become a social
lion. That's the kernel of the whole thing will he
become a social lion ?

SHAVER, (aside waitingly) A lamb a lamb to
the slaughter that's what I'll be.

MRS. B. S. (back of Ott.) How did the news-
papers get it, ERASTUS ?

ERASTUS. They were glad to get it jumped at it.

BERNICE. (R. crosses L. of MARIAN) But why?

ERASTUS. Why? Because he was a Christian
minister, of course, and renounced his religion

OMNES. A minister?

ERASTUS. (crosses to girls CHARLIE comes down
to L. of SHAVER) Y e es! Didn't you know



48 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

that? (seizing a paper) Look at this here that
little item dated from Boston under the big item
there. It's in all the papers came by Associated
Press.

SHAVER, (crossing to CHARLIE, Icicks and nudges
him with his elbows) Why didn't you tell me I was
a minister?

CHARLIE. (L. of SHAVER) How the deuce did I
know? It wasn't so in the passenger list.

SHAVER. You might have known I was something
out of the common when it said Boston.

BERNICE. (reads) The Eeverend James Tweedle
is well known here

MRS. B. S. (reads) His friends who were seen I
expressed the greatest surprise.

MARIAN, (reads) When told of his renunciation
of Christianity

GERTIE, (reads) And espousal of Buddhism

BERNICE. But how is this to secure us social
recognition, papa?

MRS. B. S. I've a curiosity

ERASTUS. (R. c.) There it is that's the word.
"Curiosity" especially woman's curiosity properly
directed by business talk will accomplish more than
all the perseverance or all the money in the world.
I tell you when it comes down to a matter of strictly
business, ERASTUS Underholt can backfire the whole
lot of them. Don't you see how it will be when we
excite curiosit-e-e ? Everybody will want to see, what
nobody is permitted to see, and they will flee, to our
soir-e-e, and we will be select you see, and only admit
lay Grande Mond-e-e, which is French for the very
first qualit-e-e, and the others will rejected be !
(laughing) Ha, ha, ha! Didn't know your old
Dad was a poet, did ye ?

MARIAN. Eeally, Mr. Underholt, I must compli-
ment you.

ERASTUS. Think it'll fetch 'em, eh?



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 49

MAKIAN. Oh, it is too positively fetching for any
use perfect !

ERASTUS. There's the opinion of a real society
lady, girls.

MARIAN. But the greatest finesse is necessary.

ERASTUS. There's the word finesse!

BERNICE. We must be in to no one.

MRS. B. S. (L. of ERASTUS) We must observe
the greatest secrecy.

OMNES. Oh, of course.

MARIAN, (crosses to him) Ah! here is a list I
have prepared, containing (offering paper) the
names of the twenty representative families of New
York.

ERASTUS. That's the stuff! (reading) "Van
Allston De Peyster" Ah, now we have it I'll have
invitations sent to all of them for the reception this
very day. (MRS. B. S. goes up L. of Ott.)

SHAVER, (aside) I'll make a last appeal. I must
get out of here. (Aloud, to ERASTUS) Ah, you
have made a terrible mistake.

OMNES. Mistake! (ERASTUS crosses to c.)

CHARLIE, (extreme L.) Yes, father

SHAVER. (L. in front of sofa) Yes I never was
a Christian minister in my life.

OMNES. Not a minister !

SHAVER. No, I'm not! (CHARLIE goes up L.)
The newspapers have got me mixed up with an uncle
of mine of the same name.

ERASTUS. Oh, your uncle is able to look out for
himself. (MRS. B. S. joins CHARLIE up L.)

OMNES. Why yes, etc. etc.

SHAVER. You cannot appreciate how all this noise
and excitement jars upon a sensitive soul like mine.

OMNES. (sympathetically) 0-h-h-h !

SHAVER. It shocks me that's what it does it
shocks me dreadfully! (CHARLIE Icicles SHAVER
with knee)



50 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

BEBNICE. (sighs) Ah, I know his feelings per-
fectly.

MABIAN. (sighs) Yes, and I. (converse with
BEBNICE)

GEETIE. (extreme B.) Me, too!

SHAVEE. (L. c.) I beg you to allow me to with-
draw.

EEASTUS. (c.) Withdraw! After all the money
I've spent on this thing, and just when I've worked
it up to a success ? No, sir ! I won't hear of it. I
hold you to your contract, (crosses to him patting
him on the back) You brace up, my boy. I tell you
your fortune and reputation's made ; you stick to me,
an' I'll make a lion of you. (BEBNICE goes up c.
Comes down L. of SHAVEE going up at door
K. u. E.)

SHAVEE. (aside) I've been a-lyin' now for two
days, and I've had enough of it.

EBASTUS. (at door E. u. aside) Say, GEETIE
that feller's a chicken, he'd get away if he could.
Well, I'll see that he don't.

(Exit E. u. E. below stairs.)

BEENICE. (entreatingly) Do not think of leaving
us, Mr. Tweedle.

MES. B. S. Erastus is a little thoughtless at times,
but he means well.

GEETIE. (half tearfully) Just when I was becom-
ing so interested, too it's real mean of you there !

MABIAN. I think you are really to be envied, Mr.
Tweedle. There are many who have gone through a
divorce court or breach of promise case without gain-
ing half the notoriety you have had.

SHAVEE. (aside) I'm just starting give me a
chance.

BEBNICE. (appealingly) Say that you have recon-
sidered, Mr. Tweedle, and will stay.



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 51

GEETIE. (crosses to him lays hand on his arm,
appealingly) Yes, do, for my sake.

MRS. B. S. (coming down on his L. reprovingly)
Gertrude I trust Mr. Tweedle will remain for all
our sakes.

MARIAN. Consider the fame it will bring you.

BERNICE. And the fortune.

GERTIE. Yes, and the converts you will make
here are four, and papa makes five, and perhaps
Charlie

CHARLIE, (tartly) Oh, never mind Charlie!
(goes L.)

SHAVER, (fervidly) How can I resist your plead-
ings, ladies? I love you all so much.

OMNES. Ah-h-h ! (girls go R. a couple of steps)

SHAVER, (follows them) With the broad, com-
prehensive, brotherly love. Are you all in? (puts
arms around them all)

OMNES. (emphatically) Oh!

SHAVER. That I couldn't leave you if I would
and I wouldn't if I could.

OMNES. (embracing SHAVER) You. are so good.

(Enter TILLY c. takes yellow scarf off of screen and
comes down stage L. of Ott.)

SHAVER, (aside) Leave here! Well, I guess
not!

OMNES. But what are these for?

SHAVER. Copies of the "Light of Asia?" We'll
adjourn to the parlor and I will set each of you a
lesson to learn from our beautiful philosophy.
(SHAVER and LADIES exit R. u. E. CHARLIE hits
TILLY with pillow he takes from armchair at
mantlepiece exit TILLY c. to L.)

CHARLIE. What the devil am I to do? (sits de-
jectedly on Ott.) He positively doesn't know enough
philosophy to last him thirty seconds and here the
Governor has advertised him like a circus. Oh, I



52 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

wish Tom were here, (groans) I must have advice
and he could help me I have it! I played a
minister at college last year I have the clothes
I'll be the real JAMES TWEEDLE and drive this fellow
out.

(Exit L. 1 enter TWEEDLE c. from L.)

TWEEDLE. Am I to find nobody about this house
at all ? I shall stay here until I've seen and had an
explanation from this impostor, who has assumed my
name that I am determined upon, (comes down
front of sofa L.)

(Enter SHAVER R. u. E.)

SHAVER. I've read of soft easy snaps, (turns and
looks toward R. u. E.) but I never thought I'd fall
into anything like this. If there is any such thing
as Nirvana, I've got it now. (sees TWEEDLE) But
it's gone, (comes down R. of Ott. to TWEEDLE)
May I ask who you are?

JAS. TWEEDLE. I am the Reverend James Tweedle.

SHAVER. Sit down, Mr. Tweedle, sit down.

TWEEDLE. I am in no humor for sitting, sir
not to put too fine a point upon it, I am mad, sir,
mad as a hen on a hot griddle.

SHAVER, (assumed nonchalance) I can under-
stand that a hen would not care to set under those
circumstances.

TWEEDLE. I am glad that you perceive the gravity
of the situation.

SHAVER. Yes, indeed, sir. Any true disciple of
Gautama would be grieved indeed to see a hen upon
a hot griddle.

TWEEDLE. But all this is beside the question.

SHAVER. You introduced the hen I didn't.

TWEEDLE. (taking paper from pocket) Perhaps
you will enlighten me concerning this item in the
newspaper this morning.



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 53

SHAVEK. Concerning me?

TWEEDLE. No, sir, concerning me. I am James
Tweedle, of Boston.

SHAVER. So am I.

TWEEDLE. I am the James Tweedle who arrived
on the New York.

SHAVER. So am I.

TWEEDLE. Impossible, sir.

SHAVER. Why, impossible? There are other
Tweedles. Tweedle is not an uncommon name. Now,
your brother's name would be Tweedle.

TWEEDLE. True, my brother John went to St.
Louis many years ago.

SHAVER, (aside) I'll take a chance with Brother
John, (aloud) My father's name is John, and he
lives in St. Louis.

TWEEDLE. But my brother died there twenty
years ago.

SHAVER. Ah ! (sentimentally) You call it death,
but we we like to think of them as amongst us
always. The dewdrop slips into the shining sea.
My father slipped into the river when I was but a
year old.

TWEEDLE. But, I tell you, my brother was never
married.

SHAVER, (affecting a cry) Don't say that it is
true, my father's marriage was a secret one but it
was all right, Uncle !

TWEEDLE. Uncle !

SHAVER. Oh, I am sure you are my uncle. The
circumstances are too remarkable to be accidental.
But what brings you here ?

TWEEDLE. I have severed my connection with
the ministry, and my business in this country is the
organization of a joint-stock company for the cultiva-
tion of the Kola nut on a gigantic scale.

SHAVER, (aside) If they see him here, I'll be a
Theosophic corpse, not that way (aloud) Step in



54 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA.

here, (crosses L. to door) And we'll talk it over,
Uncle. Quite a rough trip we had.

TWEEDLE. "We !" You were not on the boat,
sir.

SHAVER. Well, you see, I was broke, and had to
come over steerage step in here and I will tell you
the story of my life (aside) and probable death!

(Exit door L. SHAVER and TWEEDLE. Enter TOM c.
from L. with satchel and hat box and newspaper.)

TOM. I have a plan now that can't fail, (reads)
The friends of the Reverend James Tweedle were
surprised to learn he had left the ministry I played
a minister at college two years ago and had sense
enough to keep all the clothes. I have them here
and I'll step. into this room (R.) and put them on.
And when I have forced this impostor to a full con-
fession, I'll make myself known to Underholt and
claim my reward.

(Exit R. 1. SHAVER enters from door L. 1 E. fol-
lowed by TWEEDLE pushes TWEEDLE back and
locks door.)

SHAVER, (aside) If Underholt sees him I'll go
to a dungeon cell. (Enter TILLY with box) Ah,
fair Teuton, what is it you bear? (c. from R. she
starts R. u. E.)

TILLY. Dot? Dot's a dress for Mrs. Beekman-
Streete. (comes down L. of Ott.) Say, I tole you
somedings, if you don't tell no one. Dey both buy
de same kind of dresses and Miss Bernice got so mad
dat de old hen got some like hers, dat she tole me
to send it back alretty.

SHAVER. A light "breaks in! I will have to jolly
this girl and get that dress. Tilly, did you ever
love?

TILLY. Nein.



MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 55

SHAVER. Nine! That's bigamy. But that mat-
ters not. I'm ten love me.

TILLY. For what yet ?

SHAVER. I need a woman's love and a suit of
clothes! If I can't get a suit, I'll take a dress.
When Miss Bernice's dress arrives, instead of sending
it back, fetch it to me, and I'll give you two dollars.

TILLY. You give me two dollars for dat dress,
and maybe I get put by der jail in, I guess nit !

SHAVER. No, I'll pay for it. (kisses her) And
give you two dollars besides. That seals the bargain.
That in itself is worth fifty cents.

TILLY. Give me four more kisses, and keep the
two dollars.

SHAVER. That were improvident there is one
(kisses her) You have three still in bank for a
rainy day and I hope we will have pleasant weather.

TILLY. I took dis up by Mrs. Beekman-Streete,
and den I come down and get one more, and keep
two for dot day when the rain comes alretty.

(Exit R. u. E. upstairs.)

SHAVER. Where will all this end? (starts to
door L. 1 E. Enter GERTIE R. u. E. below stairs.)

GERTIE. Oh, Mr. Tweedle.

SHAVER. Now I'm a goner !

GERTIE, (comes R. of sofa) I've come in to keep
you company you must be awfully lonesome.

SHAVER. No I have my other self to argue with.

GERTIE. Then you don't want me

(Enter TILLY from stairs, go out c. to L.)

SHAVER. Yes, I do want you I want you to go
in the other room and study the "Light of Asia."


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