Flying visits online

nose against the curbstone ^ I fervently hoped he was
one of the directors of the Dome^ as they refuse to
allow any oxy-hydrogen light in the interior of this



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FLYING visits: 133

ancient edifice^ so I couldn't give my entertainment
there. Gas as much as you like, in two senses, but no
limelight.

I can quite believe that in the old dayssay when
the Dome was built, and when^ figuratively speaking,
they used magic lanterns made out of old kettles, sup-
plied from gas in tissue-paper bags — there was some
fear of an accident which might suddenly elevate the
building; but you might Just as well compare the old-
fashioned lanterns and gas bags with the elaborate
apparatus and strong gas cylinders in use nowadays,
as draw a line between the cockleshells of penny steam-
boats on the Thames and the pick of the Transatlantic
liners — say the ^^ Teutonic " or the ''^Majestic'' — or an
old-fashioned boarding establishfnent with the magnif-
icent Hotel Mitropole at Brighton. This princely
hotel has a fine hall attached to it, and as, notwith-
standing their splendid surroundings, the management
are not afraid of the limelight, it was in this hall I
made my two appearances.

I think I noticed one of the directors of the Dome
sitting in the front row, and I was half inclined to
m^ake a departure from my usual remarks, and intro-
duce the Lord High Executioner s song from " The
Mikado " — "/V^ got him on my list " — and, as Mr.
Gilbert suggests, I would " make the punishment fit



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134 FLYING VISITS.

the crimed' and compel this director to act as the
weight on one of the old-fashioned gas bags with a
slow fuse attached to the mouth — the bags mouthy not
the director's. It is hardly necessary for me to say
that this proposition emanated from the Professor ;
but, seriously speaking, I think it is rather ridiculous
^^^ that an enter-

tainment like
mine should be
^ ^ prohibited i?t
(^^ * this more suit-
^j able building. I
feel very much
like blowing up
the committee, but this would in no way endanger the
safety of the building. . . .

. . . / had two splendid audiences, as the report-
ers would say, carriages formed a line from the doors
right down to the Pier. I really ought to have given
the shozv on stilts, as the platform was only about a
foot high, so I don't think the people at the back could
see much more than the top of my head. Now here I
have a platform about the size of the floor of the
House of Commons, and I must admit that the aspect
of the hall in the evening reminded me very forcibly
of the House itself during the dimier hour. . . .



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FLYING VISITS. 135

The weather here is also bad. There was a little
sunshine this morning, and I took advantage of it to get
some sketches about the place. On my way out to the
Toad Rock I saw some incidents worth recording, but
to my horror I found that I had come out without a
pencil ! I was a good way from the town, and the
twigs on the trees were too damp to make charcoal of
even if I zvasted a box of matches, so I zvas Just on
the point of giving up my journey, when a small boy
hove in sight. I was prepared to give this urchin un-
told gold for a bit of pencil, so I interrogated him on
the subject. At first he shook his head ; then he felt
in all his pockets. No result. Finally he made a
plunge into some vtysterious aperture in the lining of
his coat, and I anxiously watched his hand gradually
travelling round in the direction of the opposite side
of his garment. Then he seized a corner of the lin-
ing, and a smile broke over his face. ' It was terribly
exciting. The smile developed into a grin :
I was saved! " Wait a minute, sir ; I've
got it / " and after sundry and manifold
grabs and jerks, he fished out an infinites-
imal stump of a lead pencil with about as
much exertion and apparent science as a dentist would
use in extracting a tooth. I threw him my purse (I
believe that is the correct way of rewarding anyone




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136 FLYING VISITS.

who has done you a service), and walked off tri-
umphantly with my treasure, a facsimile of which I
here present you zuith, . . .

We had not seen the Professor all day ; but comiyig
back from our walk we observed a dark form emerge
stealthily out of a raihvay tunnel. Sure enough it
was the Professor, and his white
face looked ghastlier than ever
against the gloom inside. He
looked very surprised when I
asked him what he was trespass-
ing on the railway for. " Don't
* you know Vm a member of t/ie
Corpsological Research Associa-
tion ? There %vas a man throzvn
out of a railway-carriage windozv
in this tunnel on December the
18th, 186^. The train he was
thrown from was the 3.55 from
London, and, strange to say, his
body has never been discovered.
It is not the first afternoon I have spent here, risking
my life among the passing trains; and to^ay I have
used up twenty boxes of matches in my endeavor to
throw some light upon this dark subject, but this is
the only clue I have discovered up to now'' He opened



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FLYING VISITS. 137

his note-book, and showed us between two pages a hu-
man hair, which he had found sticking to the wall of
the tunnel, and upofi which he now reverently gazed,
conjuring up ift his own mind the awful tragedy to
which this single hair bore mute testimony. We sub-
sequently discovered from the station-master that this
tunnel had only been built ten years ; but to this day
we have never had the heart to tell the Professor so,
and the hair still remains among his most treasured

relics. . . .

Yours, &c..




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THE SHOW GARDEN OF ENGLAND.



A Big Exhibition; Side Shows extra — "Tolls, please!" —
Playing at Trains — Coach Touts — The Side Shows —
Pretty Totland Bay — A Dangerous Foundation — The
Flowers in the Garden.



fHE Isle of Wight re-
joices in the title of the
" Garden of England,"
but it has always struck me
as being more of a winter
Garden or a Summer
Garden — a garden in the
sense of a show place, an
xhibition with a lot of side
how attractions, for which
ou are charged extra. Cross-
ig vid Southampton, the
lulcting process begins the
loment you sight the Isle of
vvt^xit steamer. You have no
sooner paid for and received your ticket than
you have to pay toll for the privilege of using
it, besides each separate item in your luggage



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THE SHOW GARDEN OF ENGLAND. 139

being- charged for. Landing at Ryde Pier,
you pass a barrier where you must deUver up
your ticket; two yards farther on you are
stopped at a turnstile, the custodian of which
demands twopence toll for landing. I suppose
that if by this time your means were exhausted.



your person would be impounded between
these two toll gates until you were rescued
and bailed out by some chance friend or good
Samaritan passing by. Your luggage, for
which you have already paid before com-
mencing your voyage, is seized by the pier
officials, weighed with the accuracy of the
money scales in the Bank of England, and



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I40 FLYING VISITS.

you are charged nearly the value of your
baggage for the privilege of taking it on to
the Island with you. Then you have either
the choice of walking the planks of the pier
to reach the shore, or still further attenuating
your purse by using the Electric Railway. If
you do not happen to be stopping at Ryde,
but are going on to some other part of the
island, you are at the mercy of one, if not all,
of the three pettifogging little railway com-
panies that work and prosper upon the few
square miles which constitute this pretty little
isle.

I have visited the Isle of Wight now pretty
regularly for some years, but I have never yet
been able to fathom the depths of mystery
which encompass the workings of the afore-
said diminutive railways. They have always
got little surprises in store for the unsuspecting
traveller. Being a golfer, I take a ticket from
Ryde to Bembridge, a distance of about five
miles. For this I pay something less than five
pounds ; but I am informed by a resident
who, having nothing else to do, after many
years of sojourn in the island, ultimately un-
ravelled a good deal of the profound and
mystical intricacies of the railway systems,



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THE SHOW GARDEN OF ENGLAND. 141

that if I booked from the next station, close
to, a first-class return to Bembridge would
cost me about threepence. I won't vouch for
the absolute accuracy of these figures, but
they will give you some idea of the eccen-
tricity which prevails on these miniature iron-
roads. Of one thing I am certain, and that
is, that these three companies, who have the
poor tourist at their mercy, are determined to
spite each other as much as possible, and this
they do at the expense and annoyance of the
traveller, as part of their game at railways is
to take special care that their trains shall not
form connections at the junctions with the
trains of the other lines ; and the isle will
never be patronized as it ought to be while
this state of affairs exists. Of course, this is
notorious ; and the first-class tourist is well
aware that a visit to the Isle of Wight is an
expensive undertaking. But it is hard for his
less affluent brethren to be tempted to cross
over by boat for a little over a shilling return
fare, and be charged, in addition, a penny for
leaving the mainland, twopence for landing
on the island, and the same on their return
journey — in all an extra sixpence is a con-
sideration for a working man. Had I space



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142 FLYING VISITS.

I could dilate still further upon the absurd
railway systems of the island, but it is only
W. S. Gilbert who can do justice to the
topsy-turvydom of the railway eccentricity
experienced by all who visit England's gar-
den.

You may notice on crossing from Southsea
to Ryde certain individuals in horsey costumes
on the steamers. These are touts for the

coaches that ply on
the island (which no
doubt offer the best
means for sight-
seeing) , resembling
the side-show men
at exhibitions calling
out : '' This way for
the Vanishing Lady !'*
'* Step up here, and
see the Performing
Fleas ! " &c., or the
touts outside cheap
photographers. They are not allowed to ply
their calling on the aristocratic soil of the
island, or on the steamers, so they must cross
over to the other side of the water, where they
dispose of the coach tickets to the excur-



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THE SHOW GARDEN OF ENGLAND, 143

sionists. Judging from the appearance of
the last coach I saw this season, I do not
think these soHcitations can have had much
effect.

Now what has this Garden of England, as



an exhibition, to attract the tourist besides
the beauties that Dame Nature has bestowed
on it with such a lavish hand ? Carisbrooke
Castle, with its donkey doing penance on a
treadmill to bring up to the surface again the
candle the attendant lowers into the well ; a
Roman villa, a Poet Laureate, an Attorney-
General, and last, but not least, a Royal
residence.



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144 FLYING VISITS,

As far as sightseeing is concerned, Ryde
is undoubtedly the best place to make your
headquarters ; but to see the beautiful island
at its very best, you must wander over the




cliffs by the Needles, where the air is most
invigorating and the scenery most romantic,
and you can get a bird's-eye view of pretty
Totland Bay, a charming little spot, which is,
to my mind, the beau-ideal of a quiet watering-
place. It is only to be known to be spoilt, so
I will not expose the secrets of its charms,



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THE SHOW GARDEN OF ENGLAND. 145

but selfishly, perhaps, keep them locked in
my own bosom. I do not wonder that Lord
Tennyson was roused against the railways
marring the
peaceful rural
solitude and
beauty of this
quiet spot with
their noise and
smoke and rattle
and bustle.
Quiet Totland
Bay certainly is,
as far as the
ordinary visitor
is concerned;
but this particu-
larly p e a c e f u 1
place is a literal
hot-bed of all
the secret

modern appli- '^

ances for offence and defence, and if the
numerous electric wires which form a perfect
unseen network all over the place, and are
attached to the guns and concealed explosives,
happened to get entangled, Totland Bay and



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146 FLYING VISITS,



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THE SHOW GARDEN OF ENGLAND, 147

this model garden has its own peculiar and
distinctive flower, some of which I endeavor
to depict by means of the budding maidens



in my sketches ; but in Ryde the assortment
is more varied, although the species most
prevalent are the nauta aristocraticus and the
toutes vulgaris.



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Southsea.



My dear J/.,

Leaving Tunbridge Wel/s, I had to make a
cross-country journey — cross in two senses of the word ;
for we had to change five times, which would perhaps
have been acceptable as giving a little diversity to the
mofwtony of travelling had I not, when on the point of
starting, received a telegram from my editor, telling
me to do a page drawing kpropos of Lord Randolph
Churchill's terrible adventure with the seven lions in
South Africa, which to be in press in time for the
next issue would have to be in London that night. I
have a portable studio, about 3 feet by \\ feet, which
co7itains all my drawing materials, and when open
forms a desk, so that I can get to work the moment I
arrive at a hotel ; but I did not bargain for having



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FLYING VISITS, 149

to draw in the train, particularly when having to
chafige continually, however, I managed to do it by
putting in the faces when we stopped at a station and
the rest of t/ie work as we rattled along. The only
part of it which came really easy to me was my de-
lineation of Lord Randolph and the lions trembling
with terror, when I simply laid my pen on the draw-
ing and the jerking of the train over the points made
the points of the drawing. It was tiring work, and
I was only kept awake by my drawing pen being vio-
lently jerked into my hand at frequent intervals ; and
yet art critics, who little know the difficulties which
we artists of the Press have sometimes to labor under,
criticise work done under these sort of circumstaiices
just the same as if it were done in peace and quiet
and the comfort of a sumptuous studio, although the
flattering remarks which I have just read about this
sketch of mine show me that it evidently didn't suffer
much from the peculiar circumstances under which it
was done. I began the drawing at Tunbridge Wells
at about 10.30 a.m., and it was on its way quite fin-
ished to town at ^.30 from Southampton. I know this
will interest you, although I shouldn't like the public
to know it ; but all the time I have been on tour I have
fiever allowed anything to interfere with my keeping
pace with my Press work. . . .



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ISO



FLYING VISITS.



. . . I gave a performance in Southampton^ and
theft crossed next morning to the Isle of Wight ^ after
being mulcted heavily for ourselves and our baggage.
Our voyage was uneventful^ except that we passed two
sharks^ which^ from the price of living in ** The Gar-
den of England^' %ve put down to be a couple of the

hotel proprietors out for
a bathe. I suppose you
have seen my sketch in
" Punch " of the Isle of
Wight, which I did
from the window of the hotel I was stopping at in
Rydcy and which sadly agitated




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FLYING VISITS. 151

a new Mayor had to be elected on the spot, and the
Aldermen and Totvn Councillors were with difficulty
brought round by the aid of smelling salts and electric
shockSy the latter being administered gratuitously by
the electric raihvay on the Pier. The anat/iemas
heaped upon my unfortunate head zvere as extensive
and comprehensive as those showered upon the Jack-
daw of Rheims ; but after a serious and stormy dis-
cussion the authorities decided to drop the subject,
as the report says they did not wish to advertise
" Punch'' Poor " Punch " / The veteran who has
Just celebrated his Jubilee will hide his diminished
heady and strike from the roll the name of the mis-
creant who Jiad the audacity to warn the public at the
expense of the Mayor and Corporation of the town of
Rydef . . .

. . . Coming across, the Professor was buried
in a book (not in a sewn-up sail, as they usually
are at sea). It was Rudyard Kipling's latest —
" The Best Story in the World." He was gloating
over the narration of the galley-slave's sufferings,
and was particularly delighted by the author's vivid
description of their being cut up into little bits and
poked through the holes in the side of the vessel
made for the oars to go through. Although the Solent
was hardly the place to inspire one, as the autltor



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1 52 FLYING VISITS,

of " The Best Story in the World'' had been in-
spired^ the Professor was quite carried away by the
revolting details^ and it was worth a lot to see the look
of disgust which passed over his features when he was
brought back to everyday life by the demand for tolls
with which we were pestered immediately we landed
on the island. ...

Yours^ 6^.,




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EASTBOURNE AFTER THE
SEASON.



Good-by to the Holiday Makers — Splash Point — How the
Visitor Spends the Day — His Friend, the Waiter — The
Daily Papers — The Pavilion — The Manager's Enterprise
— Ladies on the Links — The Curse of Eastbourne — ^A
Fugitive.

Unfortunately I found myself at East-
bourne just as the season was over. The
grass on the tennis-lawns was an inch long,
and in place of the pretty faces that erstwhile
attracted the masculine gaze toward the
boarding-house windows, the observant visitor
might have noted sundry elderly visages peep-
ing out gloomily from behind the numerous
notices : ** Apartments to Let.'* The itinerant
musician from Italy's sunny shores, the cheap-
jack of the sands, and the irrepressible niggers
had fled, like the swallows, to other climes.
The boats which, freighted with flannel-clad
youths and their inamorate, had flitted hither
and thither upon the placid surface of the sea
under the hot suns of July and August, were
now keel upward, snugly tucked in under the
parade, in close proximity to the regiment of



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154 FLYING VISITS.

bathing machines, which, pulled up side by
side, " were left till called for " next season, and
probably the bathing - machine horse, as a
pleasant variation from his irksome summer
labor, was now let out to follow the harriers
across country at half-a-crown an hour. Not
that Eastbourne was completely empty, but
the holiday-makers had departed, although a
considerable number of health-seekers still
remained; and when the sun shone for an
hour or so in the afternoon, the visitors, like
the buds it had caressed into blossoms in the
springtime, came out under the benign in-
fluence, and for a time the parade looked quite
lively. In the absence of the usual summer
beach attractions. Nature catered for the
amusement of the visitors, who seemed to
take a lively interest in watching the waves
which one after another, under the influence
of a strong southeasterly gale, were dashing
over "Splash Point," an enjoyment which
seems particularly dear to the English heart.

The daily programme of the visitor in a
seaside resort like this, late in the autumn, is
something like the following : — Have breakfast
an hour later than usual. Probably, at this
period of the year, you have the coffee-room



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EASTBOURNE AFTER THE SEASON 155

waiters in your hotel all to yourself, so an hour
can be taken up in discussing the visitors they
have during the season, or what is probably
more interesting, the few that remain. You
hear all about the old lady on the second floor,



who sees nobody, eats nothing, drinks nothing,
and never goes out, and, as the waiter expresses
it, she ** pays through the nose " for everything ;
though as she eats nothing and drinks nothing,
it is a mystery to me why she is subjected to
this nasal-organ system of payment. Then
there is the eccentric old gentleman in number



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156 FLYING VISITS.

49, *' something in the City/' who has come
down to lay in a good stock of ozone wherewith
to combat the fog-fiend, but who nevertheless
spends all his time in the railway station,
watching the trains coming and going, until the
time comes for him to take a first single for
London Bridge. Having exhausted the brief
list of visitors, the all-absorbing topic of the
Salvation Army is brought on the tapis y and after
you have fully discussed the pros and cons of
the case with your friend the waiter, you walk
up to the station to buy the London papers.
Having pocketed these, you go to the Reading-
room and peruse the very same papers which
are lying on the table there. This business
over, a stroll along the front as far as the Wish
Tower in search of an appetite, and back to
your hotel for lunch. This meal disposed of,
another peregrination to the Wish Tower to
aid digestion, and then off to the station to see
if the London evening papers have arrived.
They have, and have been sent to the Reading-
room ; so once more you bend your steps in
this direction, and peruse the news of the day.
By this time the approach of darkness intimates
that dinner-time is not far off, and soon you
are seated at the corner table in the large,



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158 FLYING VISITS.

dim, empty coffee-room, deserted by all save
the faithful waiter, who, having nothing else to
do, has also read the evening papers from be-
ginning to end, advertisements and all, and is
ready to enter into discussion with you upon
the various items of interest contained therein.
Dinner and debate over, our visitor would find
time hang very heavily on his hands but for
the amusements provided by the management
of Devonshire Park Pavilion, and the two
hours he can put in there will be the liveliest
of the day. Then comes the last item on the
programme, bed. This dose to be repeated
daily.

I happened to look in at the Pavilion just

as the courteous manager,

Mr. Standen Triggs, had

returned from London,

his countenance wreathed

with smiles, the cause of

which I was soon to learn.

**Next time you

come to Eastbourne, Mr

Furniss, you will see cj

wonderful addition to the Park, for I've just

bought the P. and O. Pavilion at the Naval

Exhibition."



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EASTBOURNE AFTER THE SEASON. 159

"Good Heavens!" I said, "are you pro-
moting a scheme for enlarging the pier, and
are the P. and O. Steamers to come and go
to and from the new Eastbourne Docks ? "

He had no time to reply, for he was off
again, this time, perhaps, to purchase the




Alexandra Palace for transportation to East-
bourne, wherein to hold an exhibition of white
elephants, or to make a bid for the tower which
IS to out-Eiffel Eiffel, at the World's Fair at
Chicago. Should the visitor, however, be of
an athletic turn of mind, or rather of body, he
can skate on the rink under the Pavilion in the



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l6o FLYING VISITS,

morning or afternoon to the lively strains of an
excellent band, and afterward have a refresh-
ing swim in the spacious baths across the
road ; or if a golfer, he can display his skill in
the august presence of the most genial of
champions and first-class exponent of the
game, Mr. Horace Hutchinson, who kindly
pioneered me over the links. When he saw
me at my worst I excused myself on the ground
that I could not keep my
eye on the ball in the
presence of such a redoubt-
> able personage in the world
of golf; but the fact is, my
erring optic was continually
wandering to the links re-
served for golfers of the
gentler sex, whose cos-
tume, I may inform the fair
athletes, is anything but
attractive. Probably, in the
natural order of things,
being at the seaside they
designed a club-costume in
keeping with the place,
which strongly resembles a bathing - dress.
I may frankly say that ladies do not look



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EASTBOURNE AFTER THE SEASON, l6l

their best on golf-links, and if the neces-
sary attitudes do not allow of a very great
display of grace, the least they can do is to