Henry M. (Henry Mulford) Tichenor.

The life and exploits of Jehovah online

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From the Lihrary of

MORRIS HILLQUIT

Presented
ill the memory of

MORRIS AND VERA HILLQUIT







c.-'








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The

Life and Exploits

of Jehovah



By
Henry M. Tichenor



(Second Edition)



Publi«hed by

Phil Wagner,

Pontiac Building:

St. Louis, Mo.



TEE NEif YOM

PITT? Tin TJBR4RY
5i4830B



, NOX AND
1S49 L



Copyright 1915

by
Phil Wagner



This book is fraternally dedicated

to the World's Lovers of

Light and Liberty

of every age



INTRODUCTION

MANY of the legends connected with the Jew-
ish God Jehovah and his personal represen-
tatives, of which the Bible is largely com-
posed, are lost in antiquity; an incredible number, how-
ever, still exist. Part of these are found in the present
form of the orthodox Bible. Many more appear in those
apocryphal books of both the Old and New Testaments
that have been preserved. Others are found in Talmudic
and Mussulman writings, taken, doubtless, from books
that were at one time part of the "sacred scriptures,"
but which disappeared long ago. Of these apocryphal
books seventy-two of the Old Testament, and twenty- four
of the New, are accounted for. The number lost is un-
certain.

That these books were formerly considered "sacred"
and "inspired," both among the ancient Jews and the
early Christians, is readily proven. Many of them were
not rejected until as late as the fourth century and after,
and the Roman Catholic Church still accepts a number
that the Protestants have discarded. Says Origen: ''It
may have been that the Apostles and Evangelists, filled
with the Holy Ghost, may have known what was to l^e
taken from these writings and what was to be rejected ;
but for us to presume to do such a thing would be full
of danger, not having the Spirit in the same measure



8 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

to guide us." However this may be, it is an evident
fact that the Christians of the first century believed
books to be inspired, and therefore necessary to salva-
tion, that the Christians of today deny. For instance,
the "Testament of the Twelve Patriarchs" — one of the
apocryphal books of the Old Testament containing won-
derful stories of miracles and sorceries — is quoted by
Paul: "Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the
dead" (Ephesians, v, verse 14). And again, "The
wrath is come upon them to the uttermost" (First Thes-
salonians, ii, verse 16).

To those who, through religious prejudice, may at-
tempt to deny some of the legends and wonders found
in "The Life of Jehovah," the writer would state that
there is not a single story narrated but what has its
source in the ancient Scriptural and Rabbinical writ-
ings. The writer has simply put them in popular lan-
guage. None of them are his own invention. They were
at one time all believed by the faithful followers of Je-
hovah.

A number of the recognized works containing these
legends are as follows : The Apocryphal books of the Old
Testament; the Apocryphal books of the New Testa-
ment; the Talmud; the Koran; "Legendes de L'Ancien
Testament," by M. Colin de Plancy; D'Herblots "Bibli-
otheque Orientale"; Migne's "Dictionnaire des Apocry-
phes"; Dr. G. Weil's "Biblische Legende der Musel-
manner" ; the "Chronicle of Tabari" ; the ancient "Book
of Jasher"; "Legends of the Patriarchs and Prophets,"
by the Rev. S. Baring-Gould, M. A.



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 9

In this work it has only been possible to introduce a
limited number of the ancient beliefs regarding Jehovah
and his earthly representatives that are not to be found
in the Christian Bible, selecting those that are most im-
mediately connected with the characters and incidents
that make up the orthodox creeds.

The "Life of Jehovah'* is, it would seem, sufficiently
sustained by the inspired Scriptures of the Christians of
today to become a recognized authority in orthodox re-
ligious literature.



THE LIFE AND EXPLOITS
OF JEHOVAH



CHAPTER I.



^T^HE deeds of the great and wonderful characters of
-■- all time have been sung in song and told in story,
but, strange to relate, the astonishing life and amazing
exploits of Jehovah of the Jews have never been gath-
ered in popular form for the instruction and entertain-
ment of the public. Perhaps Time, the evolver of all
things, waited for my appearance to do the work.

To start with, Jehovah had no origin, and for infinite
ages had lived all by himself in boundless space. From
a beginningless antiquity he had leisurely lounged on a
gold throne that rested on nothing, the sceptered sov-
ereign of a sunless, starless, earthless, moonless uni-
verse. The only light he had was the blaze that blew
out of his mouth, and the only vapor was the smoke
that steamed from his nostrils (Psalms xviii, verse 8).
Sharp horns grew out of his fingers, and he carried a
two-edged sword in his mouth (Habakkuk, iii, verse
4, and Revelations, i, verse i6). If any unknown enemy
lurked in the murky space, Jehovah was prepared to
meet him.

Then, at some period long before the Jews were ever
thought of, Jehovah took a handful of nothing and
created a host of winged angels. He created them in



12 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

two classes, seraphim and cherubim — aristocrat and ple-
beian. For countless ages these angels were his only
company. He gave them all golden harps— also made
of nothing — and they continually flew around his throne,
that shone by the blaze that blew from his mouth, like
flocks of pigeons, or June bugs about an electric light,
and played and sang "Hoch der Jehovah." After living
and reigning thus for billions of eons, Jehovah, as he
gazed through the blackness of his boundless domain of
emptiness, was struck by the idea of making a world,
and filling it with every conceivable sort of creature he
could think of. He reasoned that there was more room
than he and the angels needed, and besides, a little ex-
ercise wouldn't hurt him. So one Sunday morning,
something over 6,000 years ago, he went to work, and
by Friday night he had everything completed. It took
him just six days to create the earth, the sun, the moon,
all the stars, every animal and insect in existence, hills,
valleys, forests, oceans, rivers and fish, a full grown man
and woman, and plant a garden, which grew and ripened
in a few minutes, for the man and woman to live in.
All these he made out of the limitless supply of nothing
that lay around loose. The only variation of this won-
derful creation was, that instead of making the woman
of nothing, Jehovah pulled a bone out of the man and
made her. This was not because the supply of nothing
had given out, but it was to show that woman owed
her existence to the man. The six days' work done,
Jehovah quit. He was tired. He went back to his
throne and took a day's needed rest.



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 13

The next week Jehovah visited the garden. He
pointed out the peach and cherry and plum and pear
and apple trees that were laden with fruit. He told the
man and woman they could eat of all these, except one
lone apple tree that stood in the middle of the garden.
This was an extra fine variety, and Jehovah wanted the
apples to make hard cider for himself and the angels.
He told them if they should eat a solitary apple from
that tree he would cause them to grow old and finally
get sick and die. Otherwise the man and woman could
live forever and take things easy.

Now among the other earthly beings that Jehovah
had made during the six days he was at work was a
snake that walked on his hind legs and spoke Hebrew.
He was a captivating creature, was this snake, and one
pleasant afternoon, while the man was taking a nap, the
snake strolled into the garden and cast soft glances at
the woman. Under the shade of the forbidden apple
tree the snake and the woman coquetted while her lord
and master slept. "Let us eat the juice of the gods,"
said the snake, as he reached to one of the bending
boughs and plucked the luscious looking fruit. And
alas! the woman did eat. Moreover, she went and
awakened her man, and tempted him also to take a bite.

The sudden shock of the juice of that apple was some-
thing startling. Jehovah had squirted a secret spell into
it. The man and the woman, for the first time, dis-
covered that they didn't have on a stitch of clothing.
If they had not devoured that apple this predicament
would have passed by unnoticed, and there would not



14 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

today be a tailor or dressmaker on earth. Our pants
and petticoats, and all our B. V. D.s, are entirely due
to the eating of that apple. Otherwise it would be noth-
ing but September Morns. Skirtless and shirtless and
sockless, we would have been a race of careless immor-
tals if the woman and the snake had never met. This
is from inspired authority.

Of course Jehovah, who sees everything, took in the
whole performance. It angered him so that he has never
gotten over it since. He cursed the snake and the man
and the woman. He caused the snake to forever after
crawl on his belly. He drove the man and woman out
of the garden and made them toil for a living. He filled
the earth wath disease and death, and in his fury doubly
doomed the woman. 'In sorrow thou shalt bring forth
children," he told her, "and thy desire shall be to thy
husband, and he shall rule over thee." Jehovah is no
suffragette. He put a guard of cherubims around the
garden, armed with flaming swords, for fear the man
and woman might find the way back there and eat of
another tree that, we are told, was a positive antidote
for the spell of the forbidden fruit, and thereby upset
Jehovah's plan of damnation. While there is no record
of the event, the evidence is that as soon as the man
and woman were driven far enough away Jehovah pulled
up the garden and took it to Heaven with him. Any-
way, it has never been located since.

The man and woman, compelled to make a living for
themselves, finally took up a homestead, settled down
and began to raise a family. But Jehovah kept on their



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 15

trail and caused them all sorts of trouble. He demanded
sacrifices to keep him in good humor. He made them
burn up their choicest cattle on stone altars to appease
his wrath. He said that nothing quieted his nerves like
the smell of burning blood.

The first boy born, who was named Cain, didn't take
to stock raising — he farmed for a living, and he had
the audacity to offer up garden truck as a sacrifice to
Jehovah. The second boy, named Abel, raised sheep,
and he roasted mutton for Jehovah to smell. Jehovah
liked the smell of Abel's mutton, but detested the odor
of Cain's burning cabbage and garlic. This started a
quarrel between the two boys, that resulted in the elder
killing the younger. Jehovah in his anger drove the
elder boy off the place. He cursed him from the earth,
and told him that chinch bugs would take his crops from
that day on. He made a hobo of him, and Cain became
the first wandering Willie that ever came down the pike.

However, Cain finally struck a settlement that, it ap-
pears, Jehovah knew nothing about. He came to the
land of Nod, ran across a good looking girl and married
her. Where the people of Nod came from nobody
knows. Their creation is not revealed in the inspired
record. Jehovah must have made them during the six
days he was at work, and then forgot about it.

After this human beings began to rapidly multiply
upon the earth. The daughters of men were so capti-
vating that the male angels became enamored of them;
and they married them and raised a race of giants.
These giants — half angel and half human — were a bad



16 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

lot. They made such a rough-house of the earth that
Jehovah repented ever having worked hke a hodcarrier
for six days at creating ever}i:hing there is out of noth-
ing. So he made up his mind to drown them all. How-
ever, there was one man, by the name of Noah, who
did not have any angel blood in his veins, that Jehovah
rather liked; and so he concluded to drown everybody
but Noah and his family and start things rdl over again.
He also decided to save one male and one female of
every animal, bird, bug and insect. So he told Noah to
build a boat and fill it with provisions to accommodate
and feed the entire menagerie for a couple of months,
also to collect a male and female of every living species
on the land, from a mastodon to a mosquito. All this
Noah did. He had no trouble whatever in discerning
their sex and loading them into the boat.

Then the rain started. It drowned, so it is stated,
everybody and every animal and bug that didn't take
passage with Noah. In forty days the highest mountain
peaks were swamped. To do this it poured over a thou-
sand feet of water every day. This was raining about a
foot a minute. Why Jehovah took forty days to drown
creation is somewhat of a mystery. He could just as
easily have scooped up the whole ocean in one scoop and
had the thing over in a few minutes. Perhaps he was
afraid he would injure the whale that was destined to
swallow Jonah.

However, we should not question the ways of Je-
hovah. We should be thankful that Noah lived to tell
the tale.



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 17

When it was all over, and Noah had turned all the
live stock loose, and he and his family were on dry
land once more, the first thing he did was to build an
altar and offer up a sacrifice to Jehovah of every animal
except pigs. Where he obtained them all, without kill-
ing the brood creatures he had saved in the boat, the
inspired record does not tell. And the savor of the roast-
ing flesh and blood smelled so sweet to Jehovah's smoky
nose that he vowed to never drown the world again.
Upon hearing this good news Noah immediately raised
a vineyard, made a few barrels of wine, and tanked up.
He became so tipsy that he stripped himself to the hide
and finally tumbled off in a drunken stupor. One of his
bo3^s, named Ham, laughed at the condition his father
was in, and for doing so called down upon himself and
all his posterity the wrath and curse of Jehovah. Ham,
who was a blonde, suddenly turned black, and he and his
offspring were doomed to chattel slavery. It is therefore
infidelity and blasphemy to claim that slavery is not a
divinely ordained institution.

Again the sons of men began to raise large families,
and the earth became peopled with many people. This
time Jehovah made his angles keep away from the
women.

At this period there was only one language known
to all the universe. Jehovah, the snake, the angels and
the Jews all spoke the same tongue. This state of af-
fairs would have continued to this day, and there would
be a universal language from Jerusalem to Jersey City,
if it had not been for a number of investigating people



18 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

that decided to explore the skies where Jehovah lived.
They started to build a tower to reach beyond the stars;
and Jehovah, having heard of it, came down to earth
and looked over the pile of bricks gathered for the pro-
posed structure. Alarmed at the prospect of human
beings — whom he had vowed not to drown again — in-
vading the confines of Paradise, Jehovah hurried back
to his throne and, gathering a flock of angels, rushed
down on the people building the tower, and with one
stroke of magic caused them to immediately speak all
the various languages we now have. This clever piece
of diplomacy on the part of Jehovah is all that kept a
brick tower reaching from earth to Paradise from being
built.

The consternation of the people building the tower
can well be imagined. Shouts in Norwegian mingled
with cries for more brick and mortar in Latin, Greek
and Sanscrit. Yells in Gallic were answered by people
who had suddenly become Teutonic. Some spoke Eng-
lish, some Spanish, and some Low Dutch. Others only
understood Russian and Pategonian. Choctaw and Chi-
nese tried to talk to Hindoo and Japanese. Italian was
answered back in Swedish, and Hungarian in Hottentot.
Irish and Finnish and Flemish and Turkish jabbered
away like a pack of magpies. Some went wild and
talked gibberish. Whole families were unable to make
out a word of what each other said. At last they all
got mad and pelted each other with the bricks mtended
for the tower. Not satisfied with raising all this bedlam,
Jehovah capped the climax by scattering the people all



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 19

over the earth, giving them different features, different
complexions, and different religions. Only a chosen few,
that still spoke Hebrew, remained undisturbed. And
they, as we shall hereafter discover, had a sorry time
of it.

A prominent character among these chosen few was
a rich cattle raiser by the name of Abraham, who had a
brother-in-law by the name of Lot. Jehovah liked Ab-
raham, and promised to make him the father of a great
nation; but, as the years rolled by, Abraham's wife,
whose name was Sarah, bore him no children. In fact,
according to the inspired records, Abraham was seventy-
five years old, and Sarah sixty- four, when Jehovah made
the promise. So, as far as offspring were concerned,
things began to look dubious to Abraham.

He evidently had a notion at one time to get the king
of Egypt to help him out. The inspired record says
that during a drought in his own country, Abraham and
his wife, together with their cattle, journeyed into
Egypt. When they reached there Abraham told his wife
to pass herself off as his sister. "You are a handsome
girl, Sarah," he said, "in spite of your years, and the
chances are that the king will hear of your beauty and
desire you, and if he learns that I am your husband he
is liable to kill me." So Sarah passed herself off as
Abraham's sister, and Abraham saved his precious skin;
for sure enough the king discovered Sarah and brought
her to his harem.

But Abraham did not become a step-father to any
posterity. The affinity did not take. Jehovah, we are



20 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

told, "plagued Pharaoh and his house with great
plagues" on account of the transaction. What the
plagues were we do not know. Probably tlie itch. Any-
way, Pharaoh was glad to get rid of Sarah, and at the
same time reprimand Abraham for lying about her.
It seems that Jehovah must have told the king who
Sarah was at the time he plagued him with the plagues,
and that the plagues were sent as a warning to turn
her over to Abraham again.

After this Abraham left Egypt and located in a place
called Bethel. And still he remained childless. He com-
pletely lost faith in the promised posterity, and told Je-
hovah so. But Jehovah asked him to look at the stars,
that he made one Wednesday afternoon years before, and
see if he could count them. "So," said Jehovah, "shall
your seed be." This quieted Abraham for a while. But
he finally became nervous again over the matter, even
as he was when down in Egypt.

There was a colored girl in the household, by the
name of Hagar, a decendant of Ham, whom Abraham
had bought from a slave-dealer and given to Sarah as
a handmaid. Hagar was young, and Sarah was now
nearly eighty. The rest is easy to guess.

When Sarah discovered what had happened she be-
came furious and beat up Hagar with a flatiron, and
drove her off the place. Hagar took to the woods.
There Jehovah found her and made her go back and
apologize to Sarah. Why he did not send Abraham
some plagues, as he did to Pharaoh, divine record re-
porteth not.



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 21

In the meanwhile nature took its course, and in due
time Hagar gave birth to a boy and called his name
Ishmael. Abraham was eighty-six years old when this
happened. Thirteen years afterward, when Abraham
was ninety-nine and Sarah nearly ninety, and all his hopes
of posterity were centered on the boy Ishmael, Jehovah
appeared again and told Abraham that Sarah was soon
to become a mother. This time, so the inspired record
runs, "Abraham fell upon his face and laughed." ''Shall
a child," said he to Jehovah, ''be born to him that is
an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety
years old, bear?"

It did look like a joke.

Then Abraham did the squarest thing told of him. He
begged Jehovah to let Ishmael be his legal heir. But
Jehovah wouldn't listen to it. Did not Ishmael have
Ham's blood in his veins, and had not Jehovah cursed
Ham for laughing at Noah when he was so drunk that
he took all his clothes off and ran around stark naked?
No — Ishmael was a fairly good sort of a boy, and for
Abraham's sake Jehovah wouldn't sell him into slavery,
but he would not do for heir-apparent. So a few days
later, as Abraham sat in his tent door during the noon-
hour, and Sarah was inside washing the dishes, Jehovah
appeared again, accompanied by three male angels. Ab-
raham hastened to prepare a lunch for the celestial vis-
itors. They were evidently hungry after their long
journey, for the inspired record says they ate a whole
calf, besides large portions of bread and butter and milk.
The lunch was served out of doors, for, we are told,



22 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

as soon as the angels had devoured it they asked where
Sarah was.

''Inside the tent," said Abraham.

Then one of the angels repeated Jehovah's promise,
that Sarah would soon become a motlier. This even
made Sarah, who overheard the remark, burst out laugh-
ing. But it happened, nevertheless, and the antiquated
Sarah finally had a boy baby and called him Isaac. What
influence the angels may have had in the affair is not
narrated.

About this time Jehovah made up his mind to demol-
ish a place by the name of Sodom, together with all its
inhabitants, where Lot, Abraham's brother-in-law, and
his wife and family lived. Sodom was too morally rotten
to tell in print. On account of his relationship to Abra-
ham Jehovah concluded to save Lot, so he told him to
take the folks and hurry away and not to dare look back
at what was going on. When they were about a mile out
of town Lot's wife could not resist the temptation to take
a look — and she did. It was a startling and terrible scene.
There, on his throne in Heaven, sat Jehovah, emptying
buckets of fire and brimstone on Sodom. He burned up
the last inhabitant, and all their cattle. Then, for her
crime of curiosity, Jehovah pickled Lot's wife as he would
a barrel of pork, and stood her as a \varning example a
pillar of salt along the road.

What at last became of her the inspired record does
not tell. Probably the roaming herds of sheep and goats
licked her up.

This left Lot a lone widower, and he took to drink.



LIFE OF JEHOVAH 23

He had two old maid daughters. He became gloriously
drunk, and had children by both of them. Jehovah had
doubtless run out of brine, or he would have pickled
the rest of the Lot family.

Shortly after this Isaac was born. Abraham was just
a hundred, and his wife past ninety, when this event oc-
curred.

When Sarah actually discovered that she had a child
of her own she drove Hagar off the premises again.
Hagar and her son Ishmael fled into the wilderness and
there they nearly died of thirst. Fortunately Jehovah
happened to be passing that way and he caused a wxU
of water to immediately appear. However, he did not
send Hagar back to Sarah this time. He gave Ishmael
a bow and arrow and told him to hunt for a living.

The years went on, and one day, when Isaac was a
good-sized boy, Jehovah appeared and told Abraham that
he was in great need of a bloody sacrifice to satisfy his
feelings. He ordered Abraham to get his butcher knife,
saddle his donkey, and take Isaac with him to the top
of a certain mountain and there offer up the boy. It
took Abraham three days to make the trip. When he
finally reached there he built a stone altar, heaped it with
dry wood, grabbed Isaac and tied him down. Just as
he was ready to cut Isaac's throat and start the fire,
one of Jehovah's angels suddenly appeared, leading a
goat, and told Abraham that Jehovah was only joking
— that he only wanted to see if he really was holy enough
to butcher his boy to satisfy Jehovah's appetite for
blood.



24 LIFE OF JEHOVAH

''Here," said the angel, "take this goat that Jehovah
has sent, and offer him instead of Isaac."
This, we are told, Abraham did.



V



CHAPTER II.

A NUMBER of interesting incidents regarding Jeho-
-^^ vah's career at this period were dropped out ages
ago from the divinely inspired record. The original story
of the creation of Adam and Eve, tlie first man and
woman, as handed down by the ancient rabbis, the Tal-
mud, and the Apocryphal book, Little Genesis — all of
which bear the same evidence of divine inspiration as
the records accepted today by the learned theologians —
differs considerably from the narrative contained in the


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Online LibraryHenry M. (Henry Mulford) TichenorThe life and exploits of Jehovah → online text (page 1 of 14)