Droll stories collected from the abbeys of Touraine online

LIBRARY

THE UNIVERSITY

OE CALIFORNIA

SANTA BARBARA

PRESENTED BY
MRS. WILLIAM CAMPBELL





DROLL STORIES.



y

BALZAC'S CONTES DROLATIQUES.



COLLECTED FROM



THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE,



TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH, COMPLETE AND UNABRIDGED.




ILLUSTRATED WITH DESIGNS
BY GUSTAVE DORE.



Conbon :
WILLIAM MITCHELL & COMPANY.

Ulontreal :
PETER LEECH.



TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE.



WHEN, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now
famous Contes Drolatiques was published by Gosse-
lin of Paris, Balzac, in a short preface, written in the pub-
lisher's name, replied to those attacks which he anticipated
certain critics would make upon his hardy experiment. He
claimed for his book the protection of all those to whom
literature was dear, because it was a work of art and a work
of art, in the highest sense of the word, it undoubtedly is.
Like Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, Ariosto,
and Verville, the great author of The Human Comedy has
painted an epoch. In the fresh and wonderful language of
the Merry Vicar of Meudon,-he has given us a marvellous
picture of French life and manners in the sixteenth century.
The gallant knights and merry dames of that eventful
period of French history stand out in bold relief upon his
canvas. The background to these life-like figures is, as
it were, " sketches upon the spot." After reading the Contes
Drolatiques, one could almost find one's way about the towns
and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map or guide. Not
only is this book a work of art from its historical information
and topographical accuracy ; its claims to that distinction rest
upon a broader foundation. Written in the nineteenth century
in imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it is a triumph of



TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE.

literary archaeology. It is a model of that which it professes
to imitate ; the production of a writer who, to accomplish it,
must have been at once historian, linguist, philosopher,
archaeologist, and anatomist, and each in no ordinary degree.
In France his work has long been regarded as a classic
as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, when
kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies,
laughed openly at stories and jokes which are considered
disgraceful by their more fastidious descendants. In England
the difficulties of the language employed, and the quaintness
and peculiarity of its style, have placed it beyond the reach
of all but those thoroughly acquainted with the French of
the sixteenth century. Taking into consideration the vast
amount of historical information enshrined in its pages, the
archaeological value which it must always possess for the
student, and the dramatic interest of its stories, the translator
has thought that an English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre
would be acceptable to many. It has, of course, been im-
possible to reproduce in all its vigor and freshness the
language of the original. Many of the quips and cranks
and puns have been lost in the process of Anglicizing.
These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer ventures to
hope that he has treated this great masterpiece in a reverent
spirit, touched it with no sacrilegious hand, but on the con-
trary, given as close a translation as the dissimilarities of
the two languages permit. With this idea, no attempt has
been made to polish or round many of the awkwardly con-
structed sentences which are characteristic of this volume.
Rough, and occasionally obscure, they are far more in
keeping with the spirit of the original than the polished
periods of modern romance. Taking into consideration the
many difficulties which he has had to overcome, and which
those best acquainted with the French edition will best
appreciate, the translator claims the indulgence of the



TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE.

critical reader for any shortcomings he may discover. The
best plea that can be offered for such indulgences is the
fact that, although Les Cent Contes Drolatiques were com-
pleted and published in 1837, the present is the first
English version ever brought before the public.



, Jinwry,



A




TABLE OF CONTENTS.



Page

TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE vii

LIST OF ENGRAVINGS xi

THE FIRST TEN TALES.

PROLOGUE 9

THE FAIR IMPERIA 13

THE VENIAL SIN 28

How the goodman Bruyn took a wife 28

How the Seneschal struggled with his wife's mod-
esty 39

That which is only a venial sin 46

How and by whom the said child was procured . . 53
How the said love-sin was repented of and led to

great mourning 58

THE KING'S SWEETHEART 65



TABLE OF CONTENTS.



THE DEVIL'S HEIR ............. 78

THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING Louis THE ELEVENTH . 96

THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE ......... 113

THE MAID OF THILOUSE ........... 129

THE BROTHER-IN-ARMS ........... 135

THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU ........ 150

THE REPROACH .............. 159

EPILOGUE ................. 169



THE SECOND TEN TALES.

PROLOGUE 173

THE THREE CLERKS OF ST. NICHOLAS 178

THE CONTINENCE OF KING FRANCIS THE FIRST . . 192

THE MERRY TATTLE OF THE NUNS OF Poissv. . . 198

How THE CHATEAU D'AZAY CAME TO BE BUILT . . 212

THE FALSE COURTESAN 227

THE DANGER OF BEING TOO INNOCENT 239

THE DEAR NIGHT OF LOVE 249

THE SERMON OF THE MERRY VICAR OF MKUDON . 260

THE SUCCUBUS 275

PROLOGUE 277

I. What the Succubus was 279

II. The proceedings taken relative to this female

vampire 296

III. What the Succubus did to suck out the soul of

the old Judge, and what came of the dia-
bolical delectation 311

IV. How the Moorish woman of the Rue Chaude

twisted about so briskly, that with great diffi-
culty was she burned and cooked alive, to the

great loss of the infernal regions . . . . 319

DESPAIR IN LOVE 329

EPILOGUE 336

THE THIRD TEN TALES.

PROLOGUE 341

PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE 347

CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNIZE

THINGS 366



TABLE OF CONTENTS.

Page

ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS

ABBOT OF TURPENAY 376

BERTHA THE PENITENT < 396

I. How Bertha remained a Maiden in the Married

State 396

II. How Bertha behaved, knowing the Business of

Love 404

III. Horrible chastisement of Bertha and expiation

of the same, who died pardoned .... 418
How THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLCN CONVINCED

HER JUDGE 428

IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS

ALWAYS FEMININE 435

CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE

VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS 451

ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS ....... 460

INNOCENCE ., . . . . 466

THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED 469

I. How Madame Imperia was caught in thy very
net she was accustomed co sptead for her

love-birds 469

II. How this Marriage ended 479

EPILOGUE 488




LIST OF ENGRAVINGS.



Page

THE PLAYTHING OF MAN Frontispiece

THE VICTIM OF LOVE Title

THE COPYING PRK.SS Table of Contents

THE ARMS OF GAIETY (Prologue) 9

A FREE FIGHT ONLY BROUGHT A SMILE TO HER LlPS .... 1 8

MADAME BRUYN GOES TO THE HERMITAGE 43

THE SKIRMISH 63

THE KING AT THE JEWELLER'S 66

THE ADVOCATE F^RON, A BETRAYED HUSBAND 71

THE DECAPITATION 92

THE EXECUTION 97

THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE in

THE HUSBAND'S SWORD 115

ECSTASY OF TRUE LOVE 121

THE GIRL WELL LOOKED AFTER 128

PROLOGUE 172

BALZAC AT WORK 176

UNEQUALLED JOY 196

MASTER SURGEONS AND PHYSICIANS 215

THE MERRY VICAR OF MEUDON 270

IDEM 288

MONSIEGNEUR HUGON DE SENNECTERRE 359

THE MONK AMADOR " 476

THE WITCHES' ORGIE 413

A CAPRICE : 454

THE AUTHOR OF THE HUMAN COMEDY 490



THE FIRST TEN.



THE FIRST TE*.



Prologue.

The Fair Imperia.

The Venial Sin.

The King's Sweetheart.

T Ve Devil's Heir.

The Merrie Jests of King Louis the Eleventh.

The High Constable's Wife.

1 he Maid of Thilouse.

The Brother-in-Arms.

The Vicar of Azay-le-Rideau.

The Reproach.

Epilogue.



PROLOGUE.



THIS is a book of the highest flavor, full of right
hearty merriment, spiced to the palate of the illus-
trious and very precious tosspots and drinkers, to whom
our worthy compatriot, Francois Rabelais, the eternal
honor of Touraine, addressed himself. Be it nevertheless
understood, the author has no other desire than to be a
good Tourainian, and joyfully to chronicle the merry doings
of the famous people of this sweet and productive land, more
fertile in cuckolds, dandies, and witty wags than any other,
and which has furnished a good share of men of renown to
France, as witness the departed Courier of piquant memory ;
Verville, author of the Moyen de fiarvenir, and others
equally well known, among whom we will specially mention
the Sieur Descartes, because he was a melancholy genius,
and devoted himself more to brown studies than to drinks
and dainties, a man of whom all the cooks and confectioners
of Tours have a wise horror, whom they despise, and will not
hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he live?" if his
name is mentioned. Now this work is the production of the
joyous leisure of the good old monks, of whom there are
many vestiges scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-
les-Saint-Cyr, in the village of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at
Marmoutiers, Veretz, Roche-Corbon, and in certain store-
houses of good stories, which storehouses are the upper
stories of old canons and wise dames, who remember the



x PROLOGUE.

good old days when you could enjoy a hearty laugh without
looking to see if your hilarity disturbed the sit of your ruffle,
as do the young women of the present day, who wish to
take their pleasure gravely a custom which suits our gay
France as much as a water-jug would the head of a queen.
Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and
he has sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without
adding to them by books, I have considered it a thing
most patriotic to publish a drachm of merriment for these
times, when weariness falls like a fine rain, wetting us,
soaking into us, and dissolving those ancient customs which
made the people to reap public amusement from the
Republic. But of those old pantagruelists who allowed
God and the king to conduct their own affairs without
putting of their finger in the pie oftener than they could help,
being content to look on and laugh, there are very few left.
They are dying out day by day in such manner that I fear
greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient
breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonored,
and blamed, the which I should be loth to see, since I
have and bear great respect for the refuse of our Gallic
antiquities.

Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, ye scrapers-up of words,
harpies who mangle the intentions and inventions of every
one, that as children only do we laugh, and as we travel
onward laughter sinks down and dies out, like the light of
the oil-lit lamp. This signifies, that to laugh you must be
innocent, and pure of heart, lacking which qualities you
purse your lips, drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after
the manner of men hiding vices and impurities. Take,
then, this work as you would a group or statue, certain
features of which an artist cannot omit, and he would be



PROLOGUE. xi

the biggest of all big fools if he put leaves upon them,
seeing that these said works are not, any more than is this
book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have taken
care, much to my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts
the old words, which, in spite of their age, were still strong,
and which would have shocked the ears, astonished the eyes,
reddened the cheeks, and sullied the lips of trousered
maidens, and Madame Virtue with three lovers ; for certain
things must be done to suit the vices of the age, and a
periphrase is much more agreeable than the word. Indeed,
we are old, and find long trifles better than the short follies
of our youth, because at that time our taste was better.
Then spare me your slanders, and read this rather at night
than in the daytime, and give it not to young maidens, if
there be any, because this book is inflammable. I will now
rid you of myself. But I fear nothing for this book, since it
is extracted from a high and splendid source, from which
all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply
proved by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the
Holy Ghost, of the Garter, of the Bath, and by many
notable things which have been taken therefrom, under
shelter of which I place myself.

Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gaily read with ease
of body and rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you off if
you disown me after having readme. These words are those
of our good Master Rabelais, before whom we must all
stand, hat in hand, in token of reverence and honor to
him, prince of all wisdom, and king of comedy.



THE FAIR IMPERIA.



THE Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite
when going to the Council at Constance quite a
good-looking little priest of Touraine, whose ways and
manner of speech were so charming that he passed for a
son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of
Tours had willingly given him to his confrere for his journey
to that town, because it was usual for archbishops to make
each other presents, they well knowing how sharp are the
itchings of theological palms. Thus this young priest came
to the Council and was lodged in the establishment of his
prelate, a man of good morals and great science.

Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave
well and worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this
mysterious Council many men leading a dissolute life and
yet not making less, nay gaining more indulgences, gold
crowns and benefices than all the other virtuous and well-
behaved ones. Now during one night dangerous to his
virtue the devil whispered into his ear that he should live
more luxuriously, since every one sucked the breasts of our
Holy Mother Church .and yet they were not drained, a
miracle which proved beyond doubt the existence of God.
And the little priest of Touraine did not disappoint the
devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his bellyful of
roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do
so without paying for them, as he was poor. As he remained
quite continent (in which he followed the example of the
poor old archbishop, who sinned no longer because he was
unable to, and passed for a saint), he had to suffer from in-
tolerable desires followed by fits of melancholy, since there
were so many sweet courtesans, well developed, but cold to
the poor people, who inhabited Constance, to enlighten the



14 THE FAIR IMPERIA.

understanding of the Fathers of the Council. He was savage
that he did not know how to make up to these gallant sirens,
who snubbed cardinals, abbots, councillors, legates, bishops,
princes, and margraves, just as if they had been penniless
clerks. And in the evening, after prayers, he would practise
speaking to them, teaching himself the breviary of love.
He taught himself to answer all possible questions, but on
the morrow if by chance he met one of the aforesaid prin-
cesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted by her
proud and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed,
like a dog in the act of catching flies, at the sight of the
sweet countenance that so much inflamed him. The secre-
tary of Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, having clearly
explained to him that the Fathers, procureurs, and auditors
of the Rota bought by certain presents, not relics or indul-
gences, but jewels and gold, the favor of being familiar
with the best of these pampered cats who lived under the
protection of the lords of the Council, the poor Tourainian,
all simpleton and innocent as he was, treasured up under
his mattress the money given him by the good archbishop
for writings and copying hoping one day to have enough
just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting in God for
the rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a
man about as much as a goat with a night-dress on resem-
bles a young lady, but prompted by his desires he wandered
in the evenings through the streets of Constance, careless
of his life, and, at the risk of having his body halberded by
the soldiers, he peeped at the cardinals entering the houses
of their sweethearts. Then he saw the wax-candles lighted
in the houses and suddenly the doors and the windows
closed. Then he heard the blessed abbots or others jump-
ing about, drinking, enjoying themselves, love-making,
singing Alleluia and applauding the music with which they
were being regaled. The kitchen performed miracles, the
Offices said were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet little
hams, the Vespers luscious mouthfuls, and the Laudes deli-
cate sweetmeats, and after their little carouses, these brave
priests were silent, their pages diced upon the stairs., their
mules stamped restively in the streets; everything went



THE FAIR IMPERIA. 15

well but faith and religion were there. That is how it
came to pass the good man Huss was burned. And the
reason ? He put his finger in the pie without being asked.
Then why was he a huguenot before the others ?

To return, however, to our sweet little Philippe, not un-
frequently did he receive many a thump and hard blow, but
the devil sustained him, inciting him to believe that sooner
or later it would come to his turn to play the cardinal to
some lovely dame. This ardent desire gave him the bold-
ness of a stag in autumn, so much so that one evening he
quietly tripped up the steps arid into one of the first houses
in Constance, where often he had seen officers, seneschals,
valets, and pages waiting with torches for their masters,
dukes, kings, cardinals, and archbishops.

" Ah ! " said he, " she must be very beautiful and amia-
ble, this one."

A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him
to belong to the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had
just left, and that he was going to deliver a message on
behalf of the above-mentioned nobleman. Philippe de
Mala mounted the stairs as lightly as a greyhound in love,
and was guided by a delectable odor of perfume to a cer-
tain chamber, where, surrounded by her handmaidens, the
lady of the house was divesting herself of her attire. He
stood quite dumfoundered, like a thief surprised by ser-
geants. The lady was without petticoat or head-dress. The
chambermaids and the servants, busy taking off her stock-
ings and undressing her, so quickly and dexterously had her
stripped, that the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long
Ah / which had a flavor of love about it.

" What want you, little one ? " said the lady to him.

"To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes
upon her.

" You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to
be rid of him.

To which Philippe replied, blushing, (i I will not fail."

Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motion-
less, stood quite at his ease, letting wander over her his
eyes that glowed and sparkled with the flame of love.



:6 THE FAIR IMPERIA.

What lovely thick hair hung over her ivory white back,
showing sweet white places, fair and shining, between the
many tresses ! She had upon her snow-white brow a ruby
circlet, less fertile in rays of fire than her black eyes, still
mvist with tears from her hearty laugh. She even threw
her slipper at a statue gilded like a shrine, twisting herself
about from very ribaldry, and allowed her bare foot, smaller
than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening she was in a
good humor, otherwise she would have had the little shaven-
crown put out by the window without more ado than her
first bishop.

" He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of the handmaids.

" Where does he come from ?" asked another.

" Poor child ! " cried Madame, " his mother must be
looking for him. Show him his way home."

The Tourainian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight
at the sight of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was
about to repose. This glance, full of amorous intelligence,
awoke the lady's fantasy, who, half laughing and half smitten,
repeated " To-morrow," and dismissed him with a gesture
which the pope Jehaji himself would have obeyed, especially
as he was like a snail without a shell, since the Council had
just deprived him of the holy keys.

" Ah ! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed
into an amorous desire," said one of her women ; and the
chuckles commenced again thick as hail.

Philippe went his way, bumping his head against the wall
like a hooded rook as he was. So giddy had he become at
the sight of this creature, even more enticing than a siren
rising from the water. He noticed the animals carved over
the door and returned to the house of the archbishop with
his head full of diabolical longings and his entrails sophisti-
cated. Once in his little room he counted his coins all
night long, but could made no more than four of them ; and
as that was all his treasure, he counted upon satisfying the
fair one by giving her all he had in the world.

" What is it ails you ? " said the good archbishop, uneasy
at the groans and " oh ! oh's ! " of his clerk.

" Ah ! my lord," answered the poor priest, " I am wonder-



THE FAIR IMPERIA. 17

ing how it is that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so
heavily upon my heart."

"Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his
breviary, which he was reading for others the good man.

" Oh ! Mother of God ! you will scold me, I know, my
good master, my protector, because I have seen the lady of
a cardinal at the least, and I am weeping because I lack
more than one little crown to enable me to convert her."

The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he
had above his nose, said not a word. Then the very hum-
ble priest trembled in his skin to have confessed so much to
his superior. But the holy man directly said to him, " She
must be very dear then "

" Ah ! " said he, " she has swallowed many a mitre and
stolen many a cross."

" Well, Philippe, if thou wilt renounce her, I will present
thee with thirty angels from the poor-box."

" Ah ! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the
lad, emboldened by the treat he promised himself.

" Ah ! Philippe," said the good prelate, " thou wilt then
go to the devil and displease God, like all our cardinals,"
and the master, with sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the
patron saint of Innocents, to save his servant. He made
him kneel down beside him, telling him to recommend him-
self also to St. Philippe, but the wretched priest implored
the saint beneath his breath to prevent him from failing if
on the morrow the lady should receive him kindly and mer-
cifully ; and the good archbishop, observing the fervor of
his servant, cried out to him, " Courage, little one, and
Heaven will exorcise thee."

On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the
Council against the shameless behavior of the apostles of
Christianity, Philippe de Mala spent his angels acquired with
so much labor in perfumes, baths, fomentations, and other
fooleries. He played the fop so well, one would have
thought him the fancy cavalier of a gay lady. He wandered
about the town in order to find the residence of his heart's
queen ; and when he asked the passers-by to whom belonged
the aforesaid house, they laughed in his face, saying



18 THE FAIR IMPERIA.

" Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard
of La Belle Imperia T "

He was very much afraid that he and his angels were
gone to the devil when he heard the name, and knew into
what a nice mess he had voluntarily fallen.

Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in
the world, although she passed for the most dazzlingly beau-
tiful, and the one who best understood the art of bambooz-
ling cardinals and softening the hardest soldiers and oppres-
sors of the people. She had brave captains, archers, and
nobles, ready to serve her at every turn. She had only to
breathe a word, and the business of any one who had of-
fended her was settled. A free fight only brought a smile
to her lips, and often the Sire de Baudricourt one of the
King's Captains would ask her if there was any one he
could kill for her that day a little joke at the expense of
the abbots. With the exception of the potentates among
the high clergy, with whom Madame Imperia managed to
accommodate her little tempers, she ruled every one with a
high hand in virtue of her pretty babble and enchanting
ways, which enthralled the most virtuous and the most un-
impressionable. Thus she lived beloved and respected,
quite as much as the real ladies and princesses, and was
called Madame, concerning which the good Emperor Sigis-
mund replied to a lady who complained of it to him, " That
they, the good ladies, might keep to their own proper way
and holy virtues, and Madame Imperia to the sweet naugh-