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eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; he
incontinently wished the keeper of the privy-seal

to the d 1; he insisted there was no use in the

practice, unless one threw all aback and went starn
foremost into society, a rudeness at which human
natur' revolted ; he knew a man at Stunin'tun who
had five names, and he should like to know what
they would do with him, if this practice should
come into fashion there ; he had no objection to a
little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should
make acquaintance with his flesh, so long as he
walked his quarter-deck."

The keeper of the seals listened to this remon
strance with singular patience and decorum ; a
forbearance that was probably owing to his not
understanding: a word that had been said. But



THE MONIKINS. 235

there is a language that is universal, and it is not
less easy to comprehend when a man is in a pas
sion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated
animal. The officer of the Registration Depart
ment, on this hint, politely inquired of me, if some
part of his official duties were not particularly
disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water-color. On my
admitting that the captain was reluctant to be
branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders, and
observed, that the exactions of the public were sel
dom agreeable, but that duty was duty, that the
stamp-act was peremptory, and not a foot of ours
could touch Leaphigh, until we were all checked
off in this manner, in exact conformity with the
registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by
this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the
officer ; for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had
quite as much aversion to the operation, as that of
Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle,
so mucli as the novelty of its application, which
distressed me ; for I had travelled too much not to
know that a stranger rarely enters a civilized
country without being more or less skinned, the
merest savages only permitting him to pass un
scathed. It suddenly came to my recollection
that the monikins had left all the remains of their
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample
supply of delicious nuts. Sending for a bag of the
best of them, I ordered it to be put into the regis
ter's boat, informing him, at the same time, that I
was conscious they were quite unworthy of him,
but that I hoped, such as they were, he would
allow me to make an offering of them to his wife.
This attention was properly felt and received; and
a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the fol
lowing words was put into my hands, viz.



236 THE MOMKKVS.

" Leaphigh, season of promise, day of perform
ance : Whereas, certain persons of the human
species have lately presented themselves to be
enregistered, according to the statute ' For the
promotion of order and classification, and for th<j
collection of contributions ;' and whereas, these
persons are yet in the second class of the animal
probation, and are more subject to bodily impres
sions than the higher, or monikin species ; Now,
know all monikins, &c., that they are stamped in
paint, and that only by their numbers; each class
among them being easily to be distinguished from
the others, by outward and indelible proofs.
" Signed,

" No. 8,020 office-color."

I was told that all we had to do now -was to
mark ourselves with paint or tar, as we might
choose, the latter being recommended for the
crew ; taking no farther trouble than to number
ourselves: and, when we went ashore, if any of
the gens-d'armes inquired why we had not the
legal impression on our persons, which quite pos
sibly would be the case, as the law was absolute
in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show
the certificate; but, if the certificate was not
sufficient, we were men of the world, and under
stood the nature of things so well, that we did not
require to be taught so simple a proposition in phi
losophy, as that which says, " like causes produce
like effects ;" and he presumed I could not have so
far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole
of my nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not
very sorry to hear the officer throw out these
hints, for they convinced me that my journey
through Leaphigh would be accompanied with
less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since



THE MONIKINS. 237

I now plainly perceived that monikins act on prin
ciples that are not very essentially different from
those of the human race in general.

The complaisant register and the keeper of the
privy-seal took their departure together, when we
forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in com
pliance with his advice. As the principle was
already settled, we had no difficulty with its appli
cation, Noah, Bob, myself, and the largest of the
seamen being all No's. 1, and the rest ranking in
order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats
began to appear on the water, and we deferred
disembarking until morning.

All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged
that Captain Poke and myself, attended by Bob, as a
domestic, were to land, in order to make a journey
through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in
charge of the mates and the crew ; the latter having
permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is
the practice with all seamen in port. There was
a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving,
before the whole party could appear on deck, pro
perly attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a
thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him
look like a sea-lion ; a conceit that he said was not
only agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which
had a cool and pleasant character, that was alto-
ther suited to a steam-climate. For my own part,
I agreed with the worthy sealer, seeing but little
difference between his going in this garb, and his
going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design
of my own, after the social-stake system ; or, in
other words, it was so arranged as to take an inte
rest in half of the animals of Exeter 'Change, to
which menagerie the artist, by whom it had been
painted, was sent expressly, in order to consult
nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his master called
it, of a turnspit.



238 THE MOM KIN 5.

The monikins were by far too polished to crowd
about us when we landed, with an impertinent and
troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we were
permitted to approach the capital itself without let
or hindrance. As it is less my intention to describe
physical things than to dwell upon the philosophy
and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world,
little more will be said of their houses, domestic
economy, and other improvements in the arts, than
may be gathered incidentally, as the narrative shall
proceed. Let it suffice to say, on these heads, that
the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think
they consult which, so long as they know no bet
ter, amounts to pretty much the same thing their
own convenience in all things, the pocket alone
excepted ; and that they continue very laudably to
do as their fathers did before them, seldom making
changes, unless they may happen to possess the
recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed,
they are sometimes adopted, probably on account
of their possessing the merit of having been proved
suitable to another state of things.

Among the first persons we met, on entering the
great square of Aggregation, as the capital of Leap-
high is called when rendered into English, was
my Lord Chatterino. He was gaily promenading
with a company of young nobles, who all seemed
to be enjoying their youth, health, rank and privi
leges, with infinite gusto. We met this party in a
way to render an escape from mutual recognition
impossible. At first I thought, from his averted
eye, that it was the intention of our late shipmate
to consider our knowledge of each other as one of
those accidental acquaintances which, it is known ;
we all form at watering-places, on journeys, or in
the country, and which it is ill-mannered to press
upon others in town ; or, as Captain Poke afterwards



THE MOM KINS. 239

expressed it, like the intimacy between an English
man and a Yankee, that has been formed in the
house of the latter, on better wine than is met with
anywhere else, and which was never yet known to
withstand the influence of a British fog. " Why, Sir
John," the sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to
say took, not tucked) a countryman of yours under
my wing, at Stunin'tun, during the last war. He
was a prisoner, as we make prisoners ; that is, he
went and did pretty much as he pleased ; and the
fellow had the best of every thing molasses that a
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to
slush down a top-mast, and New-England rum,
that a king might sit down to, but could not get up
from well, what was the end on 't 1 why, as sure
as we are among these monkeys, the fellow booked
me. Had I booked but the half of what he guzzled,
the amount, I do believe, would have taken the
transaction out of any justice's court in the state.
He said my molasses was meagre, the pork lean,
and the liquor infernal. There were truth and grati
tude for you ! He gave the whul account, too, as a
specimen of what he called American living !"

Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an
Englishman did not like to receive even favors, on
compulsion ; that when he meets a stranger in his
own country, and is master of his own actions, no
man understands better what true hospitality is, as
I hoped one day to show him, at Householder Hall :
as to his first remark, he ought to remember that
an Englishman considered America as no more
than the country, and that it would be ill-mannered
to press an acquaintance made there.

Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable
on all subjects that did not interfere with his preju
dices or his opinions; and he very readily admitted
the general justice of my reply.



240 THE MOMK1YS

" It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he con
tinued. " In England you may press men, but it
wun't do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in this
way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish.
I shouldn't have cared so much about the chap's
book, if he had said nothin' ag'in the rum. Why,
Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin'tun
with eighteen-pounders, I proposed to load our old
twelve with a gallon out of the very same cask,
for I do think it would have huv' the shot the best
part of a mile !"

But this digression is leading me from

the narrative. My Lord Chatterino turned his head
a little on one side, as we were passing ; and I was
deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it
would be well-bred to remind him of our old ac
quaintance, when the question was settled by the
decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in
such a position that it was no easy matter to get
round him, through him, or over him ; or who laid
himself what he called " athwart hawse."

"Good morning, my Lord," said the straight
forward seaman, who generally went at a subject,
as he went at a seal. " A fine warm day ; and the
smell of the land, after so long a passage, is quite
agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and downs
may be to the legs."

The companions of the young peer looked ama
zed ; and some of them, I thougnt, notwithstanding
gravity and earnestness are rather characteristic
of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight dis
position to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatter
ino himself.

He examined us a moment through a glass, and
then seemed suddenly and on the whole, agreeably
struck at seeing us.

" How, Goldencalf I" lie cried, in surprise, "you



THE MOyiKINS. 241



in Leaphigh ! This is, indeed, an unexpected satis
faction ; for it will now be in my power to prove
some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by
actual observation. Here are two of the humans,
gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you
eome account "

Observing a disposition to merriment in his asso
ciates, he continued, looking exceedingly grave :

"Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you.
These are very worthy people, I do assure you, in
their own way, and are not at all to be ridiculed.
[ scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better
or a bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and,
as for the one in the parti-colored skin, I will take
upon myself to say, that he is really a person of
some consideration in his own little circle. He is,
I believe, a member of par par par am I right,
Sir John ? a member of - "

" Parliament, my Lord an M. P."

"Ay I thought I had it an M. P. or a member
i parliament in his own country, which, I dare
sav, now, is some such thing among his people, as
a public proclaimer of those laws which come from
Eis Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the masculine
genter, may be among us. Some such thing eh
now-* -eh is it not, Sir John ?'

* I dare say it is, my Lord."

All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the
yoing monikins, with a very long, elaborated tail,
which he carried nearly perpendicular " but what
woild Le even a law-wa&er to say nothing of law
breakers like ourselves among men ! You should
remembe my dear fellow, that a mere title, or a
profession^ is not the criterion of true greatness; but
that the prodigy of a village may be a very com
mon monik n in town."

" Poh pth" interrupted Lord Chatterino, " thou
21



242 THE MON1KIXS.

art ever for refining, Hightail Sir John Golden-
calf is a very respectable person in the island of
a a a what do you call that said island of
yours, Goldencalf ? a a "

" Great Britain, my Lord."

" Ay, Great Breeches, sure enough : yes, he is
a respectable person I can take it upon myself
to say, with confidence, a very respectable person,
in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small
portion of the island himself. How much, now,
Sir John, if the truth were told ?"

" Only the estate and village of Householder,
my Lord, with a few scattered manors, here and
there."

" Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be
no doubt, then you have money at use ?"

" And who is the debtor ?" sneeringly inquired
the jack-a-napes Hightail.

" No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm
of Great Britain."

" Exquisite, that, egad ! A noble's fortune in the
custody of the realm of a Greek a "

" Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chat-
terino ; who, notwithstanding he swore he was
excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate
incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some
forbearance to keep from joining in the general
laugh. " It is a very respectable country, I do
protest ; and I scarcely remember to have tasted
better gooseberries than they grow in that very
island."

" What ! have they really gardens, Chatterino?''

" Certainly after a fashion and houses, and
public conveyances and even universities."

** You do not mean to say, certainly, that they
have a system !"

" Why, as to system, I believe they are a little



THE MONIKINS. 243

at sixes and sevens. I really can't take it upon
myself to say that they have a system."

" Oh, yes, my Lord, of a certainty we have
one the Social-stake System.

" Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy
coxcomb Hightail, " if he himself, now, has any
income."

" How is it, Sir John, have you an income ?"

" Yes, my Lord, of one hundred and twelve
thousand sovereigns a year."

" Of what ? of what ?" demanded two or three
voices, with well-bred, subdued eagerness.

" Of sovereigns why that means kings !"

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while
they obey only the King's eldest first-cousin of the
masculine gender, perform all their official acts in
the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person
and character they pretty uniformly express the
profoundest veneration ; just as we men express
admiration for a virtue that we never practise.
My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sen
sation, and I was soon required to explain myself.
This I did, by simply stating the truth.

" Oh, gold, y'clept sovereigns !" exclaimed three
or four, laughing heartily. " Why then, your
famous Great Breeches people, after all, Chatteri-
no, are so little advanced in civilization, as to use
gold ! Harkee, Signior a a Boldercraft, have
you no currency in ' promises' 1 "

" I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend
the question."

""Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as
you see us, only in a state of simplicity and na
ture," there was irony in every syllable the im
pudent scoundrel uttered, " we poor wretches,
or rather our ancestors, made the discovery, that,
for t^ie purposes of convenience, having as you



244 THE MONIKIlfS.

perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert
all our currency into ' promises/ Now, I would
ask if you have any of that coin ?"

" Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we
have plenty."

" He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he
were discussing a pedigree ! Are you really,
Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in your
country, as not to know the immense advantages
of a currency of * promises' ?"

" As I do not understand exactly what the na
ture of this currency is, sir, I cannot answer as
readily as I could wish."

" Let us explain it to him ; for, I vow, I am
really curious to hear his answer. Chatterino, do
you, who have some knowledge of the thing's
habits, be our interpreter."

" The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hun
dred years ago, our ancestors having reached that
pass in civilization when they came to dispense
with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary
to substitute a new currency for that of the metals,
which it was inconvenient to carry, of which they
might be robbed, and which also were liable to be
counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value
to linen and cotton, in the raw material ; then,
compounded and manufactured ; next, written on,
and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through
the several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-
paper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set
the plan fairly at work, and got confidence tho
roughly established, the system was perfected by
a coup de main ; ' promises' in words, were sub
stituted for all other coin. You see the advantage
at a glance. A monikin can travel, without pock
ets or baggage, and still carry a million ; the mo-



THE MONIKINS. 245

ney cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen
or burned."

" But, my Lord, does it not depreciate the value
of property ?"

"Just the contrary: an acre that formerly
could be bought for one promise, would now bring
a thousand."

" This certainly is a great improvement, unless
frequent failures "

" Not at all ; there has not been a bankruptcy
in Leaphigh since the law was passed making
promises a legal tender."

" I wonder no Chanceaor of the Exchequer
ever thought of this, at home !"

" So much for your Great Breeches, Chatteri-
no !" And then there was another and a very gen
eral laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of
national humility.

" As they have universities," cried another cox
comb, " perhaps this person has attended one of
them."

" Indeed, sir," I answered, " I am regularly
graduated."

" It is not easy to see what he has done with
his knowledge, for, though my sight is none of
the worst, I can not trace the smallest sign of a
cauda about him."

" Ah !" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly explain
ed, " the inhabitants of Great Breeches carry their
brains in their heads."

" Their heads !"

" Heads !"

" That's excellent, by His Majesty's preroga.
live! Here's civilization, with a vengeance !"

I now thought that the general ridicule would
overwhelm me. Two or three came closer, as il
21*



246 THE MONIKINS.

in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried cut
that I actually wore clothes.

** Clothes the wretch ! Chatterino, do all your
human friends wear clothes ?"

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth:
and then there arose such a clamor as may be
fancied took place among the peacocks, when they
discovered the daw among them in masquerade.
Human nature could endure no more ; and, bow
ing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino,
very hurriedly good morning, and proceeded
towards the tavern.

" Don't forget to step into Chatterino-house,
Goldencalf, before you sail," cried my late fellow
traveller, looking over his shoulder, and nodding
in quite a friendly way towards me.

" King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. "That black
guard ate a whole bread-locker-full of nuts, on our
outward passage, and, now, he tells us to step into
his Chatterino-house, before we sail!"

I endeavoured to pacify the sealer, by an appeal
to his philosophy. It was true that men never for
got obligations, and were always excessively anx
ious to repay them ; but the monikins were an ex
ceedingly instructed species ; they thought more
of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain
by comparing the smallness of the latter with the
length and development of the seat of reason ;
and one of his experience should know that good,
breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that
we ought to respect its laws, however opposed to
our own previous practices.

" I dare say, friend Noah, you may have ob
served some material difference in the usages of
Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin'tun."

" That I have, Sir John, that I have ; and alto
gether to the advantage of Stunin'tun be they."



THE: MOXIKINS. 247

*' We are all addicted to the weakness of be
lieving our own customs best ; and it requires that
we should travel much, before we are able to de
cide on points so nice."

"And do you not call me a traveller! Have n't I
been sixteen times a sealing, twice a whaling, with
out counting my cruise over-land, and this last run
\o Leaphigh !"

" Ay, you have gone over much land and much
water, Mr. Poke; but your stay in any given place
has been just long enough to find fault. Usages
must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of
the fit"

It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not
Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, at that moment, come wrig
gling by, in a way to show she was much satisfied
with her safe return home. To own the truth,
while striving to find apologies for it, I had been a
little contrarie, as the French term it, by the indif
ference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner
in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded,
de haul en has, a mere Baronet of Great Britain
or Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertina
ciously insisted on terming our illustrious island.
Now, as Mrs. Vigilance was of " russet-color," a
caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt that
she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir
John Goidencalf of Householder Hall, as the other
might be willing to shuffle it off.

" Good morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said
familiarly, endeavoring to wriggle in a way that
would have shaken a tail, had it been my good for
tune to be the owner of one "Good morrow,
good Mrs. Vigilance I'm glad to meet you again
on shore."

I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during



243 THE MOMKIXS.

the whole period of our acquaintance, was par
ticularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment
On the contrary, she had rather made herself re
markable for a modest and commendable reserve.
But, on the present occasion, she disappointed all
reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side,
uttering a slight scream, and hurrying past as if
she thought we might bite her. Indeed, I can only
compare her deportment to that of a female of our
own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes
on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or
a spider, because she thinks they make her look so
much the more interesting. Conversation was quite
out of the question; for the duenna hurried on,
bending her head downward, as if heartily ashamed
of an involuntary weakness.

" Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern
eye followed her movements until she was quite lost
in the crowd, "you would have had a sleepless
v'yage, if I had fore-imagined this! Sir John,
these people stare at us as if we were wild beasts!"

" 1 cannot say I am of your way of thinking,
Captain Poke. To me they seem to take no more
notice of us, than we should take of two curs in the
streets of London."

" I begin, now, to understand what the parsons
mean when they talk of the lost condition of man.
It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a state of un-
feelingness a people can be abandoned ! Bob, got
out of the way, you grinning blackguard."

Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would
have demolished his stern-frame, had it not been



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