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masculine gender, who drew near at the sum
mons; and, while he had the appearance of listen*-
ing with the most profound attention to the in
structions of the King of Leaphigh, was very evi
dently telling that potentate what he ought to oo.
The conference ended, his Majesty's proxy spoke
in a way to be heard by all who had the good
fortune to be near the royal person.

" Reasono did a good thing," he said; *' really,
a very good thing, in bringing us these specimens
of ihe human family. But for his cleverness, I
might have died without ever dreaming that
men were gifted with tails." (Kings never get
hold of the truth at the right end.) "I wonder if the
Queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta,
that men had tails ?"

" Our exemption from state affairs gives us fe
males better opportunities than your Majesty en
joys, to study these matters," returned his royal
consort, by the mouth of her Lady of the Bed-
Chamber.

" I dare say I 'm very silly, but our cousin,
here, thinks it might be well to do something for
these good people, for it may encourage their
King himself to visit us some day."

An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies ;
who declared, one and all, it would be delightful to
see a real human King, it would be so funny !

" Well, well," added the good-natured monarch,
"Heaven knows what may happen, for I have seen
stranger things. Really, we ought to do some
thing for these good people; for, although we owe
the pleasure of their visit, in a great degree, to the
cleverness of Reasono, who, by the way, I'm
glad to hear is declared an H. O. A, X., yet
he very handsomely admits, that but for their ex
ertions none of our seamikins being within reach
it would have been quite impossible to get
26*



306 THE Mt'MKINS.

through the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was
the cleverest and the most useful of their party."

Here the Queen, always thinking and speaking
by proxy, suggested the propriety of leaving the
point to Prince Bob.

" It would be no more than is due to his ranK ;
for though they are men, I dare say they have
feelings like ourselves."

The question was now submitted to Bob, who
sat in judgment on us all, with as much gravity
as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It
is said that men soon get to be familiar with eleva
tion, and that, while he who has fallen never fails
to look backward, he who has risen invariably
limits his vision to the present horizon. Such
proved to be the case with the princely Bob.

"This person," observed the jack-a-napes, point
ing to me, " is a very good sort of a person, it is
true, but he is hardly the sort of person your Ma
jesty wants just now. There is the Lord High
Admiral, too, but " (Bob's but was envenomed
by a thousand kicks !) " but you wish, sire, to
know which of my father's subjects was the most
useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh ?"

" That is precisely the fact I desire to know."

Bob, hereupon, pointed to the cook ; who, it will
be remembered, was present as one of his train-
bearers.

" I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man.
He fed us all; and without food, and that in consider
able quantities, too, nothing could have been done."

The little blackguard was rewarded for his im
pudence, by exclamations of pleasure from all
around him. " It was so clever a distinction,"-
" it showed so much reflection," " it was so very
profound," "it proved how much he regarded
the base of society," in short, " it was evident
England would be a happy country, when he



THE MONIKINS. 307

should be called to the throne!" In the mean
time, the cook was required to come forth, and
kneel before his Majesty.

" What is your name ?" whispered the Lord of
the Bed-Chamber, who now spoke for himself.

" Jack Coppers, your honor."

The Lord of the Bed-Chamber made a commu
nication to his Majesty, when the sovereign turned
round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and,
giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him
rise, as " Sir Jack Coppers."

I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded wit
ness of this act of gross and flagrant injustice.
Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized
the voice of Brigadier Downright.

" You think that honors have alighted where
they are least due. You think that the saying of
your Crown Prince has more smartness than truth,
more malice than honesty. You think that the
court has judged on false principles, and acted on
an impulse rather than on reason ; that the King
has consulted his own ease in affecting to do jus
tice; tnat the courtiers have paid a homage to their
master, in affecting to pay a homage to merit; and
that nothing in this life is pure or free from the
taint of falsehood, selfishness or vanity. Alas!
this is too much the case with us monikins, I must
allow; though, doubtless, among men you manage
a vast deal more cleverly."

CHAPTER XIX.

About the humility of professional saints, a succession of tails,
a bride and bridegroom, and other heavenly matters, diplo

macy included.

t

PERCEIVING that Brigadier Downright had an
observant mind, and that he was altogether supe-



308 THE MON1KIWS.

rior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to ren
der a particular species inimical to all others, 1
asked permission to cultivate his acquaintance ;
begging, at the same time, that he would kindly
favor me with such remarks as might be suggest
ed by his superior wisdom and extensive travels,
on any of those customs or opinions that would
naturally present themselves in our actual situa
tion. The Brigadier took the request in good part,
and we began to promenade the rooms in compa
ny. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was
to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly
expected, the conversation very naturally turned
on the general state of religion in the monikin
region.

I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas
of this insulated portion of the world were based
on principles absolutely identical with those of all
Christendom. The monikins believe that they are
a miserable lost set of wretches, who are so de
based by nature, so eaten up by envy, uncharita-
bleness and all other evil passions, that it is quite
impossible they can do anything that is good of
themselves; that their Sole dependence is on the
moral interference of the great superior power of
creation; and that the very first, and the one need
ful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely
on this power for support, in a proper spirit of
dependence and humility. As collateral to, and
consequent on this condition of the mind, they lay
the utmost stress on a disregard of all the vanities
of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of the flesh
and an abstaining from the pomp and vain-glory
of ambition, riches, power and the faculties. In
short, the one thing needful was humility hu
mility humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a
degree that put them above the danger of back-



THE MONIKINS. 309

sliding, they obtained glimpses of security, and
were gradually elevated to the hopes and the con
dition of the just.

The Brigadier was still eloquently discoursing
on this interesting topic, when a distant door
opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort of
stick, announced the Right Reverend Father in
God, his Grace the most eminent and most serene
Prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious and
glorified saint, the Primate of all Leaphigh !

The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity
with which I advanced to get a glimpse of a saint
under a system as sublimated as that of the great
monikin family. Civilization having made such
progress as to strip all the people, even to the
King and Queen, entirely of every thing in the
shape of clothes, I did not well see under what
new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church
could take refuge ! Perhaps they shaved off all
the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminent
5\elf-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the
;uticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence,
what a poor ungainly set of wretches they really
were, carnally considered ; or perhaps they went
on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness to
enter into the presence of the pure of mind, in an
attitude more erect and confident. Well, these
fancies of mine only went to prove how erroneous
and false are the conclusions of one whose capa
city has not been amplified and concatenated by
the ingenuities of a very refined civilization ! His
Grace, the most gracious Father in God, wore a
mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the
material of which was composed of every tenth
hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who
most cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order
that the wants of his most eminent humility might
be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such



310 THE MONIKIJfS.

a warp and such a woof, was necessari.y very
large ; and it really appeared to me that the pre
late did not very well know what to do with so
much of it, more especially as the contributions
include a new robe annually. I was now desi
rous of getting a sight of his tail ; for, knowing
that the Leaphighers take great pride in the length
and beauty of that appurtenance, I very naturally
supposed that a saint who wore so fine and glo
rious a robe, by way of humility, must have
recourse to some novel expedient to mortify him
self on this sensitive subject, at least. I found that
the ample proportions of the mantle concealed,
not only the person, bu 4 . most of the movements
of the Archbishop; and it was with many doubts
of my success, that I led the Brigadier behind the
episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disap
pointed expectation again. Instead of being des
titute of a tail, or of concealing that with which
Nature had supplied him beneath his mantle, the
most gracious dignitary wore no less than six
caudcE, viz. his own, and five others added to it, by
some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I
shall not attempt to explain ; one " bent on to the
other," as the Captain described them, in a subse
quent conversation. This extraordinary train was
allowed to sweep the floor; the only sign of humi
lity, according to my uninstructed faculties, I could
discern about the person and appearance of this
illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and
humility.

The Brigadier, however, was not tardy in set
ting me right. In the first place, he gave me to
understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh was
illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a
deacon wore one and a half; a curate, if a minister,
one and three quarters, and a rector, two; a dean,
two and a half; an archdeacon, three ; n bishop



THE MOJVIK1IVS. 311

four; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Pri
mate of all Leaphigh, six. The origin of the cus*
torn, which was very ancient, and of course very
much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a
saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily
proved that as the tail was the intellectual, or the
spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was
removed from the mass of matter, or the body,
the more likely it was to be independent, consecu
tive, logical and spiritualized. The idea had suc
ceeded astonishingly at first; but time, which will
wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms
in the church on this interesting subject ; one party
contending that two more joints ought to be added
to the Archbishop's embellishment, by way of sus
taining the church, and the other that two joints
ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the way
of reform.

These explanations were interrupted by the ap
pearance of the bride and bridegroom, at different
doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with
a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glo
rious train of noble maidens, all keeping their eyes,
by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal etiquette, drop
ped to the level of the Queen's feet. On the othei
hand, my Lord Chatterino, attended by that cox
comb Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped
towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which the
same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The
parties were no sooner in their places, than the
prelate commenced.

The marriage ceremony, according to the for
mula of the established church of Leaphigh, is a
very solemn and imposing ceremony. The bride
groom is required to swear that he loves the bride
and none but the bride; that he has made his
choice solely on account of her merits, uninflu
enced even by her beauty ; and that he will so far



ever to



a jot. The bride, on her part, eaib
and earth to witness, that die wiM do just



what the bridegroom sfcal asfcofber



E



Aermomkin
, bat, OD the



to make her soieenbie. When these
ad assereratioos were duly made
the Archbishop caused the happy



peur to be wreathed tooether, by eockcfioc fheso
wrt fcs enecopal taiLand they



they were then pro-
tbe



qpfee ia rule, to relate



~ii " nil I ! ! IJal p^iia, i in as
the prelate said 'amen,' "bow is this! I have
seea a certificate, AjjseiC wbitfc showed that
there was a jost admeasaKBmeat of the fitoes of



OB the score of other consideratioM




That rrrtiftratr has no eooamoa with this



ASM! jU this eeremooy icpaiiata ail the
the eertificaJef

X iKS

certificate.

" So k woM seen; and yet both reier to the



"Why, to Si you the troth, Sir John GoUen.
cICweDikins(formtheseparticuiarLeaphigb
is Leaplow) hare two distioct govermog princi
ples in al that we say or <lo, which saay be di-
n4est ioto the theoretical aad the practical moral
aswi iasmnrij would not be iii^ipasilii but, by the
first we coated ai oar iakereals. 4k>wc ac far as



THE MOXIKIXS. 313

facts, when we immediately submit to the latter
There may possibly be something inconsistent in
appearance in such an arrangement; but then our
most knowing ones say that it works well. No
doubt among men, you get along without the em
barrassment of so much contradiction."

I now advanced to pay my respects to the
Countess of Chatterino, who stood supported by
the Countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared,
the elaborate air o^ modesty rawshed from the
charming countenaace of the bride, in a look of
natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother,
she pointed me out as a man ! The courteous old
dowager gave me a very kind reception, inquiring
if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was
not much astonished at the multitude of strange
sights I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be
much obliged to her son for consenting to bring
me over, and invited me to come and see her,
some fine morning.

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join
the Brigadier, with a view to seek an introduction
to the Archbishop. Before I relate the particulars
of my interview with that pious prelate, however,
it may be well to say that this was the last I ever
saw of any of the Chatterino set, as they retired
from the presence immediately after the congratu
lations were ended. I heard, however, previously
to leaving the region, which was within a month
of the marriage, that the noble pair kept separate
establishments, on account of some disagreement
about an incompatibility of temper or a young
officer of the guards I never knew exactly which;
but as the estates suited each other so well, there
is little doubt that, on the whole, the match was
as happy as could be expected.
27



314 THE MO.VIKIXS.

The Archbishop received me with a great deal
of professional benevolence, the conversation drop
ping very naturally into a comparison of the re
spective religious systems of Great Britain and
Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we
iad an establishment; and I believe I was indebted
to his knowledge of this fact, for his treating me
more as an equal than he might otherwise have
done, considering the difference in species. I was
much relieved by this; for, at the commencement
of the conversation, he had sounded me a little on
doctrine, at which I am far from being expert,
never having taken an interest in the church, and
I thought he looked frowning at some of my
answers ; but, when he heard that we really had
a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor
did he once, after that, inquire whether we were
pagans or presbyterians. But when I told him we
had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good old
prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beati
fied me on the spot!

" We shall meet in heaven some day !" he ex
claimed, with holy delight ; " men or monikins, it
can make no great difference, after all. We shall
meet in heaven ; and that, too, in the upper man
sions !"

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and
otherwise unknown, I was much elated by this
distinction. To go to heaven in company with the
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small
favor; but to be thus noticed by him at court was
really enough to upset the philosophy of a stranger.
I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend
to particulars, and that he might have found some
essential points of difference to nip his new-born
admiration. Had he asked me, for instance, how
many caudce our bishops wear, ! should have been



THE MON1K1NS. 315

badgered J for, as near as I could recollect, their
personal illustration was of another character.
The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me
his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his
palace before I sailed, promised to send some
tracts by me to England, and then hurried away,
as he said,'to sign a sentence of excommunication
against an unruly presbyter, who had much dis
turbed the harmony of the church, of late, by an
attempt to introduce a schism that he called
" piety."

The Brigadier and myself discussed the subject
of religion at some length, when the illustrious
prelate had taken his leave. I was told that the
monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided
into two parts, the old and the new. The latter
had remained uninhabited, until within a few gene
rations, when certain monikins, who were too
good to live in the old world, emigrated in a
body, and set up for themselves in the new. This,
the Brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account
of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries,
on the other hand, invariably maintaining that they
had peopled the new countries by sending all those
of their own communities there, who were not fit to
stay at home. This little obscurity in the history
of the new world, he considers of no great moment,
as such trifling discrepancies must always depend
on the character of the historian. Leaphigh was
by no means the only country in the elder monikin
region. There were among others, for instance,
Leapup and Leapdown ; Leapover and Leap-
through; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround
and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a
religious establishment, though Leaplow, being
founded on a new social principle, had none. The
Brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that tho



316 THE MC.MKI.V-.

chief consequences of the two systems were, that
the countries which had establishments had a great
reputation for possessing religion, and those that
had no establishments were well enough off in the
article itself, though but indifferently supplied on
the score of reputation.

I inquired of the Brigadier if he did not think an
establishment had the beneficial effect of sustain
ing truth, by suppressing heresies, limiting and cur
tailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not
absolutely agree with me in all these particulars ;
though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect
of keeping Iwo truths from falling out, by separating
them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of reli
gious dogmas under its establishment, and Leap-
down maintained their converse. By keeping
these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony
was promoted, and the several ministers of the
gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to
the sins of the community, instead of allowing it
to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was
very apt to be the case when there was an anta
gonist interest to oppose.

Shortly after, the King and Queen gave us all
our conges. Noah and myself got through the
crowd without injury to our trains, and we sepa
rated in the court of the palace; he to go to his
bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I
to go home with Judge People's Friend and the
Brigadier, who had invited me to finish the even
ing with a supper. I was left chatting with the
last, while the first went into his closet to indite a
dispatch to his government, relating to the events
of the evening.

The Brigadier was rather caustic in his com-



j THE MONIKINS. 317

ments on the incidents of the drawing-room. A
republican himself, he certainly did love to gve
royalty and nobility some occasional rubs ; though
I must do this worthy, upright monikin the justice
to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostili
ty which is apt to distinguish many of his caste,
and which is founded on a principle as simple as
the fact that they cannot be kings and nobles
themselves.

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite
at our ease, and in undress, as it were, the Briga
dier in his bob, and I with my tail laid aside, Judge
People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open
in his hand. He read aloud what he had written,
to my great astonishment, for I had been accus
tomed to think diplomatic communications sacred.
But the Judge observed, that in this case it was
useless to affect secresy, for two very good rea
sons ; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ
a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had
written, his government depending on a noble
republican economy, which taught it that, if it
did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its cor
respondence, it would still have the money that a
clerk would cost, to help it out of the embarrass
ment ; and, secondly, because he knew the govern
ment itself would print it, as soon as it arrived. For
his part, he liked to have the publishing of his own
works. Under these circumstances, I was even
allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which *
now furnish a fac-simile.

SIR,

The undersigned, Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Pleni-
ootentiary of the North- Western Leaplow Confederate Union,
has the honor to inform the Secretary of State, that our inte
rests in this portion of the earth are in general, on the best
27*



318 THE MONIKtNS.

possible footing ; our national character is getting every day
to be more and more elevated ; our rights are more and more
respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every
sea. After this flattering and honorable account of the stato
of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the follow
ing interesting particulars.

The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate
Union and Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its
articles ; nineteen Leaplow seamen have been forcibly im
pressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war ; the King of Leap-
up has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very im
proper part of his person, at us ; and the King of Leapover
has caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the
money to be given to his mistress.

Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of
our foreign relations ; which can only be imputed to the glo
rious constitution of which we are the common servants, and
to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so universally
inspired in other nations.

The King has just had a drawing-room, in which I took
great care to see that the honor of our beloved country should
be faithfully attended to. My cauda was at least three inches
longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the Minis
ter most favored by Nature in this important particular ; and
I have the pleasure of adding, that her Majesty the Queen
deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the sincerity
of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir ; for, though
there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain un
seemly words to our beloved country, lately, it would quite
exceed the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained
by proof, were we to call in question her royal sincerity on
this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-
rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encou
raging character, not only from the King, but frm a^i hia
ministers, his first-cousin in particular ; and I trust they will



THE MONIKINS. 319

nave the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue be*
tween the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country.



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