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rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its finish
ing touch.

While making these remarks, one drew near at
a brisk trot, who, Mr. Downright observed, eagerly
desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his pre
tending to know such a fact without any previous
communication, I took the liberty of asking why
he thought that we were the particular objects of
the other's haste.

" Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This
person is one of a sufficiently numerous class



THE MOIT1KINS. 389

among us, who, devoured by a small ambition
seek notoriety which, by the way, they are
near obtaining in more respects than they proba
bly desire by obtruding themselves on every
stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a
generous and frank hospitality tnat would fain
serve others, but an irritable vanity that would
glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened
monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of
this clique. He is neither ashamed of, nor bigoted
in favor of any usages, simply because they are
domestic. With him the criterions of merit are
propriety, taste, expediency and fitness. He dis
tinguishes, while these crave ; he neither wholly
rejects, nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges
for himself, and uses his experience as a respect
able and useful guide ; while these think that all
they can attain that is beyond the reach of their
neighbors, is, as a matter of course, the sole aim
of life. Strangers they seek, because they have
long since decreed that this country, with its
usages, its people, and all it contains, being found
ed on popular rights, is all that is debased and vul
gar, themselves and a few of their own particular
friends excepted ; and they are never so happy as
when they are gloating on, and basking in, the
secondary refinements of what we call the * Old
Region.' Their own attainments, however, being
pretty much God-sends, or such as we all pick up
in our daily intercourse, they know nothing of any
foreign country but Leaphigh, whose language we
happen to speak; and, as Leaphigh is also the very
beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions and
laws, they deem all who come from that part of
the earth, as rather more entitled to their profound
homage than any other strangers."

Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigor-
33*



390 THE MO.MKI.VS.

ously pumping the nominating committee on tne
subject of the chances of the little wheel, suddenly
left ue, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with
his nose to the ground, like a dog who has just
caught a fresh scent.

The next time we met the ex-envoy, he was in
mourning for some political backsliding that I
never comprehended. He had submitted to a
fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thorough
ly humbled the seat of reason, that it was not
possible for the most envious and malignant dispo
sition to fancy he had a particle of brains left.
He had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved
off his body, which was as naked as the hand,
and altogether he presented an edifying picture
of penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards
understood that this purification was considered
perfectly satisfactory, and that he was thought to
be, again, within the limits of the most Patriotic
Patriots.

In the mean time the Bivouacker had approach
ed me, and was introduced as Mr. Gilded Wriggle.

" Count Poke de Stunin'tun, my good sir," said
the Brigadier, who was the master of ceremonies
on this occasion, "and the Mogul Goldencalf
both noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privi
leges, and of the purest water ; gentlemen, who,
when they are at home, have six dinners daily,
always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are
none of them less than six leagues in extent."

" My friend General Downright has taken too
much pains, gentlemen," interrupted our new ac
quaintance, " your rank and extraction being self-
evident. Welcome to Leaplow ! I beg you will
make free with my house, my dog, my cat, my
horse, and myself. I particularly beg that your
first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will



THE MONIKINS. 391

be to me. Well, Mogul, what do you really think
of us ? You have now been on shore long enough
to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our
institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge
of all of us by what you see in the streets "

" It is not my intention, sir."

" You are cautious, I perceive ! We are in an
awful condition, I confess; trampled on by the
vulgar, and far very far from being the people
that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't
be made the assistant alderman of my ward, if I
wished it, sir; too much jacobinism the people
are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to rule
themselves, much less their betters, sir here have
a set of us, some hundreds in this very town, been
telling them what fools they are, how unfit they
are to manage their own affairs, and how fast
they are going to the devil, any time these twenty
years, and still we have not yet persuaded them to
intrust one of us with authority ! To say the truth,
we are in a most miserable condition ; and if any
thing could ruin this country, democracy would
have ruined it, just thirty-five years ago."

Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were inter
rupted by the wailings of Count Poke de Stunin'-
tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the
speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against
one of the forty-three thousand seven hundred and
sixty inequalities of the pavement, (for everything
in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the streets and
highways,) and fallen forward on his nose. I have
already had occasion to allude to the sealer's rea
diness in using opprobrious epithets. This contre-
lems happened in the principal street of Bivouac,
or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of
more than a league in extent; but, notwithstanding
its great length, Noah took it up at one end and



392 "'RE MOM KINS.

abused it all the way to the other, with a preci
sion, fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited gene
ral admiration. It was the dirtiest, worst paved,
meanest, vilest street he had ever seen, and if they
had it at Stunin'tun, instead of using it as a street
at all, they would fence it up at each end, and turn
it into a hog-lot." Here Brigadier Downright
betrayed unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us
aside, he vehemently demanded of the Captain, if
he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner,
the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationah'ty,
taste and elegance! This street was never spoken
of except by the use of superlatives; a usage, by the
way, that Noah himself had by no means neglected.
It was commonly thought to be the longest and
the shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the
best built and the worst built avenue in the uni
verse. " Whatever you say or do," he continued,
" whatever you think or believe, never deny the
superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever
saw a street so crowded, although there be room
to wheel a regiment, swear it is stifling; if required
to name another promenade so free from interrup
tion, protest by your soul, that the place is a des
ert ! Say what you will of the institutions of the
country "

" How f" I exclaimed ; " of the sacred rights of
monikins !"

" Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins,
too, with just as much filth as you please. Indeed,
f you wish to circulate freely in genteel society, I
would advise you to get a pretty free use of the
words ' jacobins,' ' rabble,' ' mob,' ' agrarians,'
'canaille? and 'democrats;' for they recommend
many to notice who possess nothing else. In our
happy and independent country, it is a sure sign
of lofty sentiments, a finished education, a regu-



THE MONlKlNS. 393

lated intellect, and a genteel intercourse, to know
how to bespatter all that portion of your fellow-
creatures, for instance, who live in one-story edi
fices."

" I find all this very extraordinary, your govern
ment being professedly a government of the mass !'
" You have intuitively discovered the reason
is it not fashionable to abuse the government every
where? Whatever you do, in genteel life, ought
to be based on liberal and elevated principles ; and,
therefore, abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the
present company, with their relatives and quadru
peds, excepted ; but do not raise your blaspheming
tongues agalr5, t anything that is inanimate ! Re
spect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the
rivers, the mountains, and, above all, in Bivouac,
respect the Wide-path ! We are a people of lively
sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations of
even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow
philosophers are all of a mind on this subject."

" King !"

" Can you account for this very extraordinary
peculiarity, Brigadier ?"

" Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which
is property is sacred ! We have a great respect
for property, sir, and do not like to hear our wares
underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the
harder, and you will only be thought to be in pos
session of a superior and a refined intelligence."

Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who
was dying to be noticed once more.

"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh !" he had
been questioning one of our attendants "How
comes on that great and consistent people?"

" As usual, sir ; great and consistent."

**I think, however, we are quite their equals
eh? Chips of the same blocks?"



304 THE MONIKINS.

" No, sir, blocks of the same chips."

Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased
with the compliment ; and I wished I had even
iaid it on a little thicker.

" Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers
about 1 Still pulling to pieces that sublime fabric
of a constitution, which has so long been the won
der of the world, and my especial admiration?"

" They are talking of changes, sir, although I
believe they have effected no great matter. The
Primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion to remark,
still has seven joints to his tail."

" Ah ! they are a wonderful people, sir !" said
Wriggle, looking ruefully at his own bob, which,
as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural
abortion. " I detest change, sir ; were I a Leap-
higher, I would die in my tail !"

" One for whom Nature has done so much in
this way, is to be excused a little enthusiasm."

" A most miraculous people, sir the wonder of
the world and their institutions are the greatest
prodigy of the times !"

" That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the
Brigadier ; " for they have been tinkering them,
and altering them, any time these five hundred and
fifty years, and still they remain precisely the
same !"

" Very true, Brigadier, very true the marvel
of our times ! But, gentlemen, what do you indeed
think of us ? I shall not let you off with generali
ties. You have now been long enough on shore
to have formed some pretty distinct notions about
us, and I confess I should be glad to hear them.
Speak the truth with candor are we not most
miserable, forlorn, disreputable devils, after all ?"

I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social
condition of a people on so short an acquaintance;



THE MONIKIffS 395

but to this Mr. Wriggle would not listen. He in
sisted that I must have been particularly disgusteo
with the coarseness and want of refinement in the
rabble, as he called the mass, who, by the way
had already struck me as being relatively much
the better part of the population, so far as I had
seen things ! more than commonly decent, quiet
and civil. Mr. Wriggle, also, very earnestly and
piteously begged I would not judge of the whole
country by such samples as I might happen to fall
in with in the highways.

" I trust, Mogul, you will have charity enough
to believe we are not all of us quite as bad as ap
pearances, no doubt, make us in your polished
eyes. These rude beings are spoiled by our Jaco
binical laws; but we have a class, sir, that is dif
ferent. But, if you will not touch on the people,
how do you like the town, sir ? A poor place, no
doubt, after your own ancient capitals?"

" Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle."

" Do you then think we really want time !
now, that house at the corner, there, to my taste
is fit for a gentleman in any country eh ?"

" No doubt, sir ; fit for one."

" This is but a poor street in the eyes of you
travellers, I know, this Wide-path of ours; though
we think it rather sublime ?"

"You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle
though not equal to many of the "

" How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything
on earth ! I know several people who have been
in the old world" so the Leaplowers call the
"egion of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, &c.

and they swear there is not as fine a street in
any part of it. I have not had the good fortune
to travel, sir ; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir,
that some of them, sir, that have travelled, sir



396 THE MOMJUNS.

-hink, sir, the Wide-path, sir, the most magnificent
public avenue, sir, that their experienced eyes
ever beheld, sir yes, sir, that their very expe
rienced eyes ever beheld, sir."

" I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle,
that you will pardon me if I have spoken hastily."

" Oh ! no offence I despise the monikin who is
not above local vanities and provincial admira
tion! You ought to have seen that, sir, for I
frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse
than ours, and that we are all going to the devil,
as fast as ever we can. No, sir, a most miserable
rabble, sir. But as for this street, and our houses,
and our cats, and our dogs, and certain excep
tions you understand me, sir it is quite a differ-
ent thing. Pray, Mogul, who is the greatest per
sonage, now, in your nation ?"

" Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Welling
ton, sir."

" Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a bet
ter house than that before us 1 I see you are de
lighted, eh ! We are a poor, new nation of pitiful
traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but
we do flatter ourselves that we know how to build
a house! Will you just step in and see a new
sofa that its owner bought only yesterday I know
him intimately, and nothing gives him so much
pleasure as to show his new sofa."

I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue,
and by this means got rid of so troublesome an
acquaintance. On leaving me, however, he begged
that I would not fail to make his house my home,
swore terribly at the rabble, and invited me to
admire a very ordinary view that was to be
obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a particu
lar direction, but which embraced his own abode.
When Mr. Wriggle was fairly out of ear-shot, I



THE MONIKINS.



demanded of the Brigadier if Bivouac, or Leap
iow, contained many such prodigies.

" Enough to make themselves very troublesome,,
and us ridiculous," returned Mr. Downright.
" We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a
great surface, with a comparatively small popula
tion, and, as you are aware, separated from the
older parts of the monikin region by a belt of
ocean. In some respects we are like people in the
country, and we possess the merits and failings
of those who are so situated. Perhaps no nation
has a larger share of reflecting and essentially
respectable inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not
satisfied with being what circumstances so admi
rably fit them to be, there is a clique among us,
who, influenced by the greater authority of older
nations, pine to be that which neither nature, edu
cation, manners nor facilities will just yet allow
them to become. In short, sir, we have the beset
ting sin of a young community imitation. In our
case the imitation is not always happy, either; it
being necessarily an imitation that is founded on
descriptions. If the evil were limited to mere
social absurdities, it might be laughed at but
that inherent desire of distinction, which is the
most morbid and irritable, unhappily, in the minds
of those who are the least able to attain anything
more than a very vulgar notoriety, is just as active
here, as it is elsewhere ; and some who have got
wealth, and and who can never get more than
what is purely dependent on wealth, affect to des
pise those who are not as fortunate as themselves
in this particular. In their longings for pre-emi
nence, they turn to other states Leaphigh more
especially, which is the beau ideal of all nations
and people, who wish to set up a caste in opposition
to despotism for rules of thought, and declaim
34



398 THE MONIKINS.

against that very mass which is at the bottom of
all their prosperity, by obstinately refusing to allow
of any essential innovation on the common rights.
In addition to these social pretenders, we have our
political Endoctrinated."

" Endoctrinated ! Will y<>u explain the meaning
of the term ?"

"Sir, an Endoctrinated is one of a political
school who holds to the validity of certain theories
which have been made to justify a set of adventi
tious facts, as is eminently the case in our own
great model, Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed
in this country. Here, as a rule, facts meaning
political and social facts are greatly in advance
of opinion, simply because the former are left
chiefly to their own free action, and the latter is
necessarily trammelled by habit and prejudice;
while in the * old-region' opinion, as a rule, and
meaning the leading or better opinion, is greatly
in advance of facts, because facts are restrained
by usage and personal interests, and opinion is
.ncited by study, and the necessity of change."

" Permit me to say, Brigadier, that I find your
present institutions a remarkable result to follow
such a state of things."

" They are a cause, rather than a consequence.
Opinion, as a whole, is everywhere on the advance;
aoid it is further advanced, even here, as a whole,
than anywhere else. Accident has favored the
foundation of the social compact ; and once found
ed, the facts have been hastening to their consum
mation faster than the monikin mind has been able
to keep company with them. This is a remarka
ble but true state of the whole region. In other
monikin countries, you see opinion tugging at root
ed practices, and making desperate eilbrts to eradi
cate them from their bed of vested interests, while



THE MONIK1NS. 399

here you see facts dragging opinion after them like
a tail wriggling behind a kite.* As to our purely
social imitation and social follies, absurd as they
are, they are necessarily confined to a small and an
immaterial class ; but the Endoctrinated spirit is a
much more serious affair. That unsettles confi
dence, innovates on the right, often innocently and
ignorantly, and causes the vessel of state to sail
like a ship with a drag towing in her wake."

" This is truly a novel condition for an enlight
ened monikin nation !"

" No doubt, men manage better ; but of all this
you will learn more in the Great Council. You
may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts
should preserve their ascendency in opposition to
so powerful a foe as opinion ; but you will remem
ber that a great majority of our people, if not abso
lutely on a level with circumstances, being purely
practical, are much nearer to this level, than the
class termed the Endoctrinated. The last are trou
blesome and delusive, rather than overwhelming."

" To return to Mr. Wriggle is his sect nume
rous?"

"His class flourishes most in the towns. In
Leaplow we are greatly in want of a capital, where
the cultivated, educated, and well-mannered can
assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes



* One would think that Brigadier Downright had lately paid
a visit to our own happy and much enlightened land. Fifty
years since, the negro was a slave in New- York, and incapa-
ole of contracting marriage with a white. Facts have, how
ever, been progressive ; and, from one privilege to another,
he has at length obtained that of consulting his own tastes in
this matter, and, so far as he himself is concerned, of doing
as he pleases. This is the fact ; but he who presumes to
speak of it, has his windows broken by opinion, for his pains !

Note by the Editor.



400 THE MOM KINS.

above the ordinary motives and feelings of the less
instructed, they might form a more healthful, inde
pendent, appropriate, and manly public sentiment
than that which now pervades the country. As
tilings are, the real elite of this community are so
scattered, as rather to receive an impression from,
than to impart one to society. The Leaplow Wrig
gles, as you have just \vitnessed, are selfish and
exacting as to their personal pretensions, irritably
confident as to the merit of any particular excel
lence which limits their own experience, and furi
ously proscribing to those whom they fancy less
fortunate than themselves."

"Good Heavens! Brigadier all this is exces
sively human !"

"Ah ! it is is it? Well, this is certainly the way
with us monikins. Our Wriggles are ashamed of
exactly that portion of our population of which
they have most reason to be proud, viz. the mass ;
and they are proud of precisely that portion of
which tney have most reason to be ashamed, viz
themselves. But plenty of opportunities will offer
to look farther into this ; and we will now hasten to
.he inn."

As the Brigadier appeared to chafe under the
subject, I remained silent, following him as fast as
I could, but keeping my eyes open, the reader may
be very sure, as we went along. There was one
peculiarity I could not but remark in this singular
town. It was this : all the houses were smeared
over with some coloured earth, and then, after all
this pains had been vaken to cover the material, an
artist was employed to make white marks around
every separate particle of fne fabric, (and they
were in millions,) which ingenious particularity
gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of detail,
imparting to the architecture, in general, a sublimity



THE MONIKINS. 401

that is based on the multiplication table. If to
this be added the black of the chevaux-de-frise, the
white of the entrance-ladders, and a sort of stand
ing-collar to the whole, immediately under the
eaves, of some very dazzling hue, the effect is not
unlike that of a platoon of drummers, in scarlet
coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of white.
What renders the similitude more striking, is the
fact that no two of the same platoon appear to be
exactly of a size, as is very apt to be the case with
your votaries in military music.



CHAPTER XXY.

A fundamental principle, a fundamental law, and a funda
mental error.

THE people of Leaplow are remarkable for the
deliberation of their acts, the moderation of their
views, and the accumulation of their wisdom. As
a matter of course, gych a people is never in an
indecent haste. Although I had now been legally
naturalized, and regularly elected to the Great
Council fully twenty-four hours, three entire days
were allowed for the study of the institutions, and
to become acquainted with the genius of a nation
who, according to their own account of the mat
ter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in the
waters under the earth, before I was called upon
to exercise my novel and important functions. I
profited by the delay, and shall seize a favorable
moment to make the reader acquainted with some
of my acquisitions on this interesting topic.

The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two
great moral categories, viz. the legal, and the sub*
stitutive. The former embraces the provisions of
34*



402 THE MOMKKVS.

the great elementary, and the latter all the provi
sions of the great alimentary principle. The first,
accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the
Great National Allegory, while the last is limited
by nothing but practice; one contains the proposi
tion, and the other its deductions ; this is all hypo
thesis, that, all corollary. The two great political
land-marks, the two public opinions, the bob-upon-
bobs, the rotatory action, and the great and littla
wheels, are merely inferential ; and I shall, there
fore, say nothing about them in my present treatise,
which has a strict relation only to the fundamenta\
law of the land, or to the Great and Sacred Na
tional Allegory.

It has been already stated that Leaplow was ori
ginally a scion of Leaphigh. The political separation
took place in the last generation, when the Leap-
lowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it con
tained, just as your catechumen is made to renounce
the devil and al] his works. This renunciation,
which is also sometimes called the denunciation,
was much more to the liking of Leaplow than to
that of Leaphigh ; and a long and sanguinary war
was the consequence. The Leaplowers, after a



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