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was of more account than matter, and had unrea
sonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So
near a view of charity had a tendency to expose
its blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known
to exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape
the eye when seen through the medium of that artifi
cial light for which they are best adapted ; and I
soon contented myself with sending my contributions,
at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. This
experiment gave me occasion to perceive, that
human virtues, like little candles, shine best in the
dark, and that their radiance is chiefly owing to
the atmosphere of a "naughty world." From
speculating I returned to facts.

The question of slavery had agitated the benevo
lent for some years, and finding a singular apathy
in my own bosom on this important subject, I
bought five hundred of each sex, to stimulate my
sympathies. This led me nearer to the United
States of America, a country that I had endeavor
ed to blot out of my recollection ; for, while thus
encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely



THE MOMKINS. 95

thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no
rule exists without an exception, I confess I was a
good deal disposed to believe that a Yankee might
very fairly be an omission in an Englishman's phi
lanthropy. But, " in for a penny, in for a pound."
The negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi,
where I was soon the owner of both a sugar and
a cotton-plantation. In addition to these purchases,
I took shares in divers South-Sea-men, owned a
coral and pearl-fishery of my own, and sent an agent
with a proposition to King Tamamamaah to create
a monopoly of sandal-wood, in our joint behalf.

The earth and all it contained assumed new glo
ries in my eyes. I had fulfilled the essential condi
tion of the political economists, the jurists, the con
stitution-mongers, and all the " talents and decency,"
and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I
was fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to dictate to
most of the people of Christendom ; for I had taken
a direct interest in their welfares, by making them
my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into
a post-chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory, in
order to lay my new-born alliance with the species,
and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna,
but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its
sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed
my course. I wrote to her, weekly, however,
making her the participator of a portion of my
happiness, though I never had the satisfaction of
receiving a single line in reply.

Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged
to the species, I now quitted England on a tour of
philanthropical inspection. I shall not weary the
reader with an account of my journeys over the
beaten tracks of the continent, but transport nim
and myself at once to Paris, in which city I arrived
on the 17th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had



00 THE M01TIKINS.

seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by con
stant dwelling on my system, saw its excellencies
as plainly as Napoleon saw the celebrated star
which defied the duller vision of his uncle, the
Cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens
with those who direct all their energies to a giveo
point, the opinions originally formed of certain por
tions of my theory, began to undergo mutations, a?
nearer and more practical views pointed out incon
sistencies and exposed defects. As regards Anna,
in particular, the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet
distinct picture of womanly loveliness, that was
rarely absent from my mind, had, for the past
twelve-month, haunted me with a constancy of ar
gument that might have unsettled the Newtonian
scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than
questioned whether the benefit to be derived from
the support of one so affectionate and true, would
not fully counterbalance the disadvantage of a con
centration of interest, so far as the sex was con
cerned. This growing opinion was fast getting to
be conviction, when I encountered on the boule
vards, one day, an old country neighbor of the rec
tor's, who gave me the best account of the family
adding, after descanting on the beauty and excef
lence of Anna herself, that the dear girl had, quite
lately, actually refused a peer of the realm, who
enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of youth,
riches, birth, rank and a good name, and who had
selected her, from a deep conviction of her worth,
and of her ability to make any sensible man happy.
As to my own power over the heart of Anna, I
never entertained a doubt She had betrayed it in
a thousand ways, and on a hundred occasions ; nor
had I been at all backward in letting her under
stand how highly I valued her dear self, although
I had never yet screwed up my resolution so high,



THE MONIKINS. 9?

as distinctly to propose for her hand. But all my
unsettled purposes became concentrated on hearing
this welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt
leave of my old acquaintance, I hurried home and
wrote the following letter :

Dear very dear, nay dearest ANNA :

I met your old neighbor , this morning, on the

boulevards, and during an interview of an hour we did little
else but talk of thee. Although it has been my most ardent
and most predominant wish to open my heart to the whole
species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone ! Absence,
so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too
many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent vir
tues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to
think that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient
freedom of thought and action, to turn the attention I ought
to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with me in
idea, in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land,
in dangers and in safety, in all seasons, regions and situa
tions, and there is no sufficient reason why those who are
ever present in the spirit, should be materially separated.
Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to breathe
a wish, and I will throw myself, a repentant truant, at thy
feet, and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will
not lose ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of self
ishness, but come forth again, in company, to acquire a new
and still more powerful hold on this beautiful creation, of
which, by this act, I acknowledge thee to be the most divine
portion.

Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species',
For ever,

JOHN GOLDENCAL*.
To Miss ETHKRINGTON.

If there was ever a happy fellow on earth, it was
mvself, when this letter was written, sealed, and




96 THE KOMKINS.

fairly dispatched. The die was cast ; and I walked
into the air, a regenerated and an elastic being. Let
what might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gen
tleness would calm my irritability; her prudence
temper my energies ; her bland but enduring affec
tions soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around
me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance
of the wisdom of the step I had just taken in the
expanding sentiment. If such were my sensations
now that every thought centered in Anna, what
would they not become when these personal trans
ports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to
the action of the ordinary impulses ! 1 began to
doubt of the infallibility of that part of my system
which had given me so much pain, and to incline to
the new doctrine, that by concentration on particu
lar parts, we come most to love the whole. On
examination, there was reason to question whether
it was not on this principle even, that, as an espe
cial landholder, I attained so great an interest in
my native island; for, while I did not certainly own
the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a pro
found respect for every thing in it, that was in any,
even the most remote manner, connected with my
own particular possessions.

A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The
happiness of this short but heavenly period became
so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on the point of
giving birth to an improvement on my theory, (or
rather on the theory of the political economists and
constitution-mongers, for it is in fact theirs, and
not mine,) when the answer of Anna was received.
If anticipation be a state of so much happiness,
happiness being the great pursuit of man, why not
invent a purely probationary condition of society ?
why not change its elementary features from
positive to anticipating interests, which would give



THE MONIKINS. 99

more zest to life, and bestow felicity unimpaired
by the dross of realities ? I had determined to carry
out this principle in practice, by an experiment, and
left the hotel to order an agent to advertise, and to
enter into a treaty or two, for some new invest
ments, (without the smallest intention of bringing
them to a conclusion,) when the porter delivered
me the ardently expected letter. I never knew
what would be the effect of taking a stake in so
ciety by anticipation, therefore; the contents of
Anna's missive driving every subject that was not
immediately connected with the dear writer, and
with sad realities, completely out of my head. It
is not improbable, however, that the new theory
would have proved to be faulty, for I have often had
occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for
instance,) manifest a hostility to the estate, by car
rying out the principle of anticipation, rather than
any of that prudent respect for social consequences,
to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety.
The letter of Anna was in the 'following words:

Good nay, Dear JOHN,

Thy letter was put into ray hands yesterday. This is
the fifth answer I have commenced, and you will therefore
see that I do not write without reflection. I know thy ex
cellent heart, John, better than it is known to thyself. It has
either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the last im
portance to thy fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly
astray. An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy, ought
not to be abandoned, on account of a few momentary misgiv
ings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight,
at the instant thou art soaring so near the sun ! Should
we both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy
wife at a future day. We are still young, and there is no
urgency for an immediate union. In the mean time, I will
endeavor to prepare myself to be the companion of a philan-



100 THE MUNI KIN 5.

throptst, by practising on thy theory, and, by expanding my
own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of one
who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many
and so truly.

Thine imitator and friend,

Without change,

ANNA ETHERINGTON.
To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart

P. S. You may perceive that I am in a state of improve
ment, for I have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because
I found I loved all his neighbors, quite as well as I loved the
young peer himself.

Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul,
in the shape of so many demons of jealousy. Anna
expanding her affections ! Anna taking any other
stake in society than that I made sure she would
accept through me ! Anna teaching herself to
love more than one, and that one myself! The
thought was madness. I did not believe in the
sincerity of her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for
a copy of the Peerage, (for since my own eleva
tion in life, I regularly bought both that work and
the Baronetage,) and turned to the page that con
tained his name. He was a Scottish Viscount,
who had just been created a Baron of the United
Kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my
own. Here was a rival to excite distrust ! By a
singular contradiction in sentiments, the more I
dreaded his power to injure me, the more I under
valued his means. While I fancied Anna was
merely playing with me, and had in secret made
up her mind to be a peeress, I had no doubt that
the subject of her choice was both ill-favored and
awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar
While reading of the great antiquity of his family
(which reached obscurity in the thirteenth century,)



THE MONIKINS. 101

I set it down as established, that tne first of his
unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief,
and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna
was smiling on him, and retracting her coquettish
denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with an
unintelligible border accent, and that he had red
hair!

The torment of such pictures grew to be intole
rable, and I rushed into the open air for relief.
How long, or whither I wandered, I know not ;
but on the morning of the following day I found
I was seated in a guinguette, near the base of Mont-
martre, eagerly devouring a roll, and refreshing
myself with sour wine. When a little recovered
from the shock of discovering myself in a situation
so novel, (for, having no investments in guinguettes,
I had not taken sufficient interest in these popular
establishments ever to enter one before,) I had
leisure to look about and survey the company.
Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring classes were
drinking on every side, and talking with a vehe
mence of gesticulation, and a clamor, that com
pletely annihilated thought. This then, thought I,
is a scene of popular happiness. These creatures
are excellent fellows, enjoying themselves on
liquor that has not paid the city-duty ; and perhaps
I may seize upon some point that favors my sys
tern among spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubt
less, if any one among them is in possession of any
important social secret, it will not fail to escape
him here. From meditations of this philosophical
character, I was suddenly aroused by a violent
blow before me, accompanied with an exclama
tion, in very tolerable English, of the word

" King !"

On the centre of the board which did the office
of a table, and directly beneath my eyes, lay a
9*



102 THE MONIKINS.

clenched fist of fearful dimensions, that, in colof
and protuberances, bore a good deal of resem
blance to a freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke.
Its sinews seemed to be cracking with tension, and
the whole knob was so expressive of intense pug
nacity, that my eyes involuntarily sought its
owner's face. I had unconsciously taken my seat
directly opposite a man whose stature was nearly
double that of the compact, bustling, sputtering,
and sturdy little fellows, who were bawling on
every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead
of joining in the noise, were so firmly compressed
as to render the crevice of the mouth no more
strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a
man of sixty. His complexion was naturally fair,
but exposure had tanned the skin of his face to
the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those
parts which a painter would be apt to term the
" high lights" being indicated by touches of red,
nearly as bright as fourth-proof brandy. His eyes
were small, stern, fiery, and very gray ; and just
at the instant they met my admiring look, they
resembled two stray coals, that, by some means,
had got separated from the body of adjacent heat
in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped
nose, athwart which the skin was stretched like
leather in the process of being rubbed down on
the curriers bench, and his ropy black hair was
carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in
a way to show that he was abroad on a holiday
excursion.

When our eyes met, this singular-looking being
gave me a nod of friendly recognition, for no better
reason that I could discover, than the fact that I
did not appear to be a Frenchman.

" Did mortal man ever listen to such fools, Cap-



THE MONIKINS. 103

tain," he observed, as if certain we must think
alike on the subject,

"Really I did not attend to what was said;
there certainly is much noise."

"I don't pretend to understand a word of
what they are saying, myself; but it sounds like
thorough nonsense,"

** My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distin
guish sense from nonsense by mere intonation and
sound but it would seem, sir, that you speak
English, only."

" Therein you are mistaken ; for, being a great
traveller, I have been compelled to look about me,
and as a nat'ral consequence, I speak a little of all
languages. I do not say that I use the foreign
parts of speech always fundamentally, but then I
worry through an idee so as to make it legible
and of use, especially in the way of eating and
drinking. As to French, now, I can say don-
nez-me some van,' and ' don-nez-vous some pan' as
well as the best of them ; but when there are a
dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with
these here chaps, why one might as well go on
the top of Ape's Hill, and hold a conversation with
the people he will meet with there, as to pretend
to hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For
my part, where there is to be a conversation, I
like every one to have his turn, keeping up the
talk, as it might be, watch and watch ; but among
these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if their idees
had been caged, and the door being suddenly
opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the pleasure
of saying they are at liberty."

I now perceived that my companion was a
reflecting being, his ratiocination being connected
by regular links, and that he did not boost his phi-
osophy on the leaping-stafF of impulse, like most



104 THE MONIK1NS.

of those who were sputtering, and arguing, and
wrangling, with untiring lungs, in all corners of
the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore, that
we should quit the place, and walk into the road,
where our discourse would be less disturbed, and
consequently more satisfactory. The proposal was
well received, and we left the brawlers, walking
by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the
Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees.



CHAPTER VII.

Touching 1 an amphibious animal, a special introduction, and
its consequences.

I soorr took an interest in my new acquaintance.
He was communicative, shrewd, and peculiar ; and
though apt to express himself quaintly, it was
always with the pith of one who had seen a great
deal of, at least, one portion of his fellow-crea
tures. The conversation, under such circum
stances, did not flag; on the contrary, it soon
grew more interesting by the stranger's beginning
to touch on his private interests. He told me that
he was a mariner, who had been cast ashore by
one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way
of putting in a word in his own favor, he gave me
to understand that he had seen a great deal, more
especially of that caste of his fellow-creatures, who,
like himself, live by frequenting the mighty deep.

"I am very happy," I said, "to have met with
a stranger who can give me information touching
an entire class of human beings, with whom I
have, as yet, had but little communion. In order
that we may improve the occasion to the utmost.



THE MONIKINS. 105

I propose that we introduce ourselves to each
other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or,
at least, until we may find it convenient to dis
pense with the obligation."

" For my part, I am one who like the friendship
of a dog better than his enmity," returned my com
panion, with a singleness of purpose that left him
no disposition to waste his breath in idle compli
ments. " I accept the offer, therefore, with all my
heart ; and this the more readily, because you are
the only one I have met, for a week, who can
ask me how I do, without saying ' Come on, dong,
poi'lez-vous.' Being used to meet with squalls, how
ever, I shall accept your offer under the last con
dition named."

I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a pro
per care of character, and furnished a proof of
responsibility. The condition was therefore ac
cepted on my part, as frankly as it had been urged
on his.

" And now, sir," I added, "when we had shaken
each other very cordially by the hand, " may I
presume to ask your name?"

" I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows
it. I'm not ashamed of either of my names, what
ever else I may be ashamed of."

Noah ?"

"Poke, at your service" he pronounced the
word slowly and very distinctly, as if what he
had just said of his self-confidence were true. As
I had afterwards occasion to take his signature, I
shall at once give it in the proper form " Capt
Noah Poke."

" Of what part of England are you a native,
Mr. Poke?"

" I believe I may say, of the new parts."

" I did not know that any portion of the island



106 TUB MONIK1NS.

was so designated. Will you have the good-n> '.ure
to explain yourself."

"I'm a native of Stunin'tun, in the state of
Connecticut, in old New England. My parents
being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, and
here I am, walking about the kingdom of France
without a cent in my pocket, a shipwrecked mari
ner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, I'd about

as leave starve as live by speaking their d d

lingo."

"Shipwrecked a mariner starving and a
Yankee !"

"All that, and maybe more, too; though, by
your leave, commodore, we'll drop the last title.
I'm proud enough to call myself a Yankee, but my
back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman
use the word. We are yet friends, and it may be
well enough to continue so, until some good comes
of it, to one or the other of the parties."

"I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not
offend again. Have you circumnavigated the
globe T"

Capt. Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt
of the simplicity of the question.

" Has the moon ever sailed round the 'arth !
Look hero a moment, commodore" he took from
his pocket an apple, of which he had been munch
ing half-a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to
view " draw your lines which way you will on
this sphere; crosswise, or lengthwise, up or down,
zig-zag or parpendic'lar, and you will not find
more traverses than I've worked about the old
ball !"

" By land, as well as by sea?"

"Why, as to the land, I've had my share of
that, too ; for it has been my hard fortune to run
upon it, when a softer bed would have given a



THE MOMKINS. 107

more quiet nap. This is just the present difficulty
With me, for I am now tacking about among
these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again, like
an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my
schooner on the north-east coast of Russia some
where hereabouts," pointing to the precise spot on
the apple ; " we were up there trading in skins
and finding no means of reaching home by the
road I'd come, and smelling salt water down here
away, I've been shaping my course westward, for
the last eighteen months, steering as near as might
be directly athwart Europe and Asia ; and here 1
am at last, within two days' run of Havre, which
is, if I can get good Yankee planks beneath me
once more, within some eighteen or twenty days'
run of home."

" You allow me, then, to call the planks, Yan
kee ?"

" Call 'em what you please, commodore; though
I should prefar to call 'em the Debby and Dolly
of Stunin'tun,' to any thing else, for that was the
name of the craft I lost. Well, the best of us are
but frail, and the longest-winded man is no dolphin
to swim with his head under water !"

" Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you
learned to speak the English language with so
much purity 1"

" Stur.in'tun I never had a mouthful of school
ing but what I got at home. It's all homespun, I
make no boast of scholarship; but as for naviga
tion, or for finding my way about the 'arth, I'll
turn my back on no man, unless it be to leave him
behind. Now we have people with us, that think
a great deal of their geometry and astronomies,
but I hold to no such slender threads. My way is,
when there is occasion to go anywhere, to settle
it well in my mind as to the place, and then to



108 THE HONIKIN&.

make as straight a -wake, as natur' will allow
taking little account of the charts, which are as apj
to put you wrong as right ; and when they do ge
you into a scrape, it's a smasher 1 Depend on
yourself and human natur', is my rule ; though 1
admit there is some accommodation in a compass
particularly in cold weather."

" Cold weather ! I do not well comprehend the
distinction."

"Why, I rather conclude that one's scent getf
to be dullish in a frost ; but this may be no more
than a conceit, after all, for the two times I've been
wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents
happened by sheer dint of hard blowing, and in
broad day-light, when nothing human, short of a
change of wind, could have saved us."

" And you prefer this peculiar sort of naviga
tion?"

" To all others, especially in the sealing-business,
which is my ra'al occupation. It's the very best



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