John Baldwin Buckstone.

Weak points: a farce in two acts online

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Buckstone - Weak Points -


n GTtoo 3Utg.



As performed at










First performed April 28, 1838 .

MR. DOCKER. Brown coat, buttoned )
to the throat, black trousers, shoes, white > Mr. WEBSTER.
stockings, dark bald wig .

ed )

te > Mr.

MR. JOLLY. Pepper and salt coat,^

hite buttons, white double-breasted I

waistcoat, white corded breeches, large viVfr. STRICKLAND.

, ,

topped boots, light brown wig, and large I
whiskers, white large neckcloth . r

JEMMY WHEEDLE. Military blue^
frock-coat, stock, collar turned down, j
white duck trousers, arched over the in- *>Mr. BUCKSTONB.
step, wig, extreme of the present fashion, J
foraging- cap ....

THOMAS VERNON. Dark frock-coat, \ Mr _
silk waistcoat, light trousers . J Mr. H i

AMOS HUXTER. Dark coat, light waist- ")

coat, double-breasted, white apron, drab > Mr. T. F. MATTHEWS
breeches, and gaiters, brown George . J

Two Bow-street Officers

MRS. DOCKER. Brown silk dress, cap. \ Madamp a AT A
Last scene. White wrapper, and nightcap j M<

dress, habit-shirt, neat cap. Last dress, j Mrs. GLOVER.
A calash and cloak .

AGNES. White muslin dress . . Miss COOPER.

SALLY PYBUS. 1st dress. A dark-
spotted cotton dress, coloured handker- |
chief, over the shoulders, apron, old black I
velvet bonnet, cap, and (in the first scene V Mrs. FITZWILLIAM.
only, the hair in papers.) 2d dress. Crim- j
son silk dress, coloured sash, large laced j
cap, trimmed with flowers . . . J

MRS. HUXTER. Plain cotton gown, \ Mre r ...
shawl, and cap ..... f Mrs - GALLOT -


L. means first entrance, left. R. first entrance, right. S. E. L. second
entrance, left. S. E. R. second entrance, right. U. E. L. upper entrance,
left. U. E. R. upper entrance, right. C. centre. L. C. left centre. R.C.
right centre. T. E. L. third entrance, left. T. E. R. third entrance, right.
Observing you are supposed to face the audience.


THE following is an original farce that is to say it is neither trans-
lated nor adapted from the French ; though where an amusing vaudeville
is successfully produced at a foreign Theatre the sneers at the poor scribe,
who with materials drawn from the same source, may venture to make
an English audience laugh, partake marvellously of small cant, and is
usually found to emanate from a quarter, that writes itself, and is either
wanting in the tact necessary for the transformation of a French farce
into an English one, or that looks upon its own very original bantlings,
as the wonders of the earth, and has not the common charity to introduce
the child of a stranger, to the notice of a coveted public.

As to WEAK POINTS, where is the human being without his Weak
Point ? A question that will shortly be answered, it is hoped, by the
words " not one ;" more especially if it relates to the possession of a copy
of this Number.

The quaker's advice to his son, applies to all Farce writers : " Aminadah
get money honestly if you can but get money." The motto of the
interlude scribbler should be, " Make your audience laugh legitimately
if you can but make them laugh/' In the present instance the audience
laughed merrily, and as the legitimate end of Farce is to create laughter,
the conclusion is that the author of " Weak Points" made his audience
laugh very legitimately.



SCENE I. A room close to the shop of AMOS HUXTER ; AMOS and
MRS. HUXTER discovered table, two chairs.

Amos, (reading a letter.) " I dare say, my dear uncle, you won-
der that you've not heard from me lately, the fact is I've
been on a tower."

Mrs. H. On a tower ! what has the boy been doing there ?

Amos. "A tower through Bullen and Belgum I have ex-
hausted the three hundred pounds left me by my late worthy
missus, but the annuity of fifty pounds per Anno Domini will
enable me to appear as a gentleman till such time as I can form
some good connexion/'

Mrs. H. A good connexion means a wife of course.

Amos. It don't always follow of course, my dear.

Mrs. H. You've no reason to contradict me I'm sure as for
Jemmy, how the lad has got on in the world to be sure what
was he? a poor boy running about the streets, with scarcely a
shoe to his feet, till he became errand-boy in a shop, where an
old maiden lady took to him, who hired him as her footman.

Amos. And when she died left him three hundred pounds in
cash, and fifty pounds a year for life and all through his
studying what he called her weak points but let me finish the
letter. " I have heard from a friend that I met on the Bully-
wards, that a lady is living in your neighbourhood with five
thousand pounds in the bank I wish to get introduced into the
family where she resides but you must not betray my relation-
ship to you, because I'm now quite the gentleman." Umph !
that's as much as to say that I'm not !

Mrs. H. Oh, Jemmy, you're a deep un.

Amos, (reading.) " The lady in question is the cousin of Mr.

Mrs. H. Docker ! that's the mean man at the old house near
the end of the town.

Amos. The stingiest old fellow that ever lived.

Mrs. H. Jemmy will stand no chance there there's some-
body in the shop (looking off,*L. H.) as I live it's Sally Pybus,
Mr. Docker's maid suppose I ask her in here, and get some
Information from her for Jemmy.

Amos. Do.

Mrs. H. I will because if Jemmy should marry Mr. Docker's


cousin through our means, I'm sure he won't forget his poor
uncle and aunt. [Exit, L. K. 1 E.

Amos. Deep fellow, my nevvy how he contrived to get the
old lady to leave him all her money I can't divine. Jemmy
must have wheedled her nicely with his studying human
nature's weak points as he calls it poor old lady, she. always
suspected that every body wanted to rob her, so my nevvy made
all her relations out as so many thieves and murderers, and
she believed him ha ! ha ! Deep fellow, Jemmy.

Mrs. H. (without.) Pray walk in, Sally, no one here but my


Sal. Ah, Mr. Huxter, good morning Astonished to see me no
doubt coming of vulgar errands, but Mr. Docker sent away
the footboy yesterday.

Amos. What, Thorn as 1

Sal. Yes.

Amos. For what ?

Sal. For the sake of economy, as he calls it : says, as he only
cleaned boots, and went errands, that he should save three
pounds a year, besides the boy's keep, by my putting his work
to mine.

Mrs. H. How mean !

Amos. Very shabby very !

Sal. How can he expect a genteel young person like me, to
fetch every vulgar article that's wanted for the house and
polish clumsy Wellingtons. Now, I'm obliged to leave my
work to fetch some common candles, for Miss Agnes to burn at
night. Mr. Docker won't allow wax any longer thinks dips
quite good enough for miss to let gutter away, while she sits
thinking of what she calls the unaccountable agony of human

Amos. The young lady is in love, I suppose. ^

Sal. She has a beau, to be sure, but as to her being in love,
I can't be bound to say, for she seems never so happy as when
she's quite miserable.

Amos. Ah ! like my wife, here, delighted if she can only find
something to fret about.

Mrs. H. Well, I'm sure.

Amos. Silence !

Sal. Then Miss Docker tells Mr. Vernon, her lover, that his
heart is gallows to every feeling of sentiment sometimes won't
allow him to go near her, but sits alone for hours in the
nursery, talking of a form of light that comes to see her in her

Amos, (looking off, L. H.) There's the omnibus at the door.

Mrs. H. What young gentleman is that coming in here ?

Amos, {aside to MRS. HUXTER.) As I live, it's Jemmy.

Mrs. H. Who shall we say he is to Sally ?

Amos. Til manage it ; first let me put him on his guard.
Don't go, Sally, there's only somebody in the shop. ..

[Exit AMOS, L.


Mrs. H. (looking off, L. H.) Bless me, what a genteel young
man !

Sal. Young man ! where?

Mrs. H. Talking to my husband.

Sal. Dear me, he is a duck !

Jem. (without, L. H. 1 E.) Won't give more than sixpence.

A Voice. Shilling, sir it's my fare.

Jem. A shilling fare in an omnibus never !

Mrs. H: I declare my husband's bringing him in here.

Sal. Oh, dear ! and I'm such a fright how's my hair oh !
my cap.

[ SALLY runs to a looking-glass, and arranges her cap.

Enter AMOS HUXTER, followed by JEMMY, AMOS carrying his
carpet^ bag.

Jem. Never heard of such a thing how many miles from
the Bank to here ?

Amos. Five and a half.

Jem. Sixpence, of course.

Amos. He took it ?

Jem. Yes, yes ; I addressed him as the proprietor of the
bus and he took the compliment and the sixpence.

Amos, (aside.) Don't notice your aunt yet.

Jem. (aside.) No, no!

Amos. That's the maid at Docker's.

Jem. Oh I I'll be a gentleman looking for lodgings, (aloud.)
Perhaps your good lady can inform me of some genteel first
floor to let.

Mrs. H. If you'll take a seat, sir, I've no doubt we shall hear
of something that will suit you. (aside.) How he has grown !
[JEMMY and MRS. HUXTER exchange looks. He regards
SALLY as she comes down on his R. H.

Jem. Bless me !

Mrs. H. What's the matter?

Jem. (beckons AMOS, and whispers.)

Mrs. H. Lord, Huxter, how rude to whisper !

Amos. The young gentleman was merely admiring our
friend's figure.

Jem. Never saw any thing so lady-like.

Sal. Oh, sir, you quite dash me; I don't know whereto

Jem. Wish I had the honour of knowing your pa !

Sal. (sighing.) Ah, sir.

Jem. Or, your ma?

Sal. Oh, sir, I'll not delude you, though by my looks and
figure you may take me for a lady ; I am sorry to say, I'm
nothing of the sort.

Jem. Really !

Amos. The young woman is a servant at a Mr. Docker's, in
the neighbourhood.

Jem. A^servant ! now you do astonish me IVe seen the world
I'vp mixed in the first circles on the Bullevards and in the


Borough ; I've seen the aristocracy of every nation, both
black and white and I never
Amos. What?

Jem. Saw such a ladylike-looking person. Surely, miss,
excuse my calling you miss your father is some reduced
nobleman ; must be, lost his fortune on the turf, and now he's
obliged to cut it.

Sal. No, sir ; my father has had the honour to be the Hamp-
stead milkman for the last twenty years.

Jem. Well, one of nature's dreadful mistakes you ought to
have been born a lady.
Sal. (aside.) What a very nice gentleman 1
Jem. Docker, Docker ! how strange !

Sal. What's strange, sir?

Jem. Can I admit you into my confidence ?

Sal. Certainly, sir !

Jem. That family where you reside, I am most anxious to be
introduced into ; is there not a relative of Mr. Docker's living
with him ?

Sal. Master's cousin you mean ?

Jem. Miss Penelope.

Sal. Pump !

Jem. Ah, Pump 1 a single lady I

Sal. Yes, sir, but she's only single at present ; she has a
beau, who I believe Las popped.

Jem. O-ho ! popped has he ! and with effect ?

Sal. I hardly know ; sometimes she's making up her things
to be married in, and then she puts them away again, and
says she never shall have nerves for the wonderful change.

Jem. And the gentleman's name is

Sal. Jolly. Such a nice old fellow ! always giving me half-
crowns, and so merry, only make him laugh, and he'll do any-
thing for you.

Jem. And she is quite as generous with her money ; she has
money of course.

Sal. Hundreds, sir ; but as for being generous, she takes
after her cousin, stingy to a degree and so suspisherus, the
house rings from morning till night with her false charges
ngainst people, as the young policeman says.

Jem. Suspicious, eh ?

Sal. Oh, dreadful ! Think's ill of every body ; and if Mr.
Docker didn't make a profit by her board and lodging, he
would never put up with her and he is such a man for buying
bargains let him have one or two, and show him where he
can save a few farthings in his house bills ; and he'll be your
friend for ever.

Jem. Bless me ; I've the very thing for him. Does he want
a telescope ?

Sal. If it's very cheap, and a great bargain, he'll buy it with-
out minding if he wants the article.

Jem. I'll call on him with it an admirable telescope cost


me a fortune. If you take it to the Cape of Good Hope, you
can not only see the moon, but its inhabitants, and almost
hear their conversation.
Sal. La, sir !

Jem. Fact. I'll be at your house in half-an-hour, or

Sal. Very well ; good day, sir ! [SALLY crosses to L. H.

Jem. Wish you good day ; 'pon my life, Mr. Huxter, I don't
mean any nonsense, but really more natural grace I never

Sal. Oh, sir !

Jem. Her head is put so finely on her shoulders, and the cap
on the head, and the bonnet on the cap splendid !

Sal. Oh, I'm sure it's quite a fright !

Jem. And the more I look at you the more I never !

Sal. Oh, sir! you do so diffuse me all over, I shan't be able
to find my way home. What can he want with that odorous
Miss Pump 1 [Aside and exit, curtseying, L. H. 1 E.

Jem. Ha! ha! Wasn't that well done, uncle? Now aunt
how d'ye do ? long time since I have seen you ; don't you think
I've improved 1 Haven't I quite a foreign air with me ?

Mrs. H. Quite ! Never saw anybody look so outlandish.

Jem. Yes ; what we call distangy, and commy fo, in the
society I've been used to lately. Now for my visit to Mr.

Amos. And have you a telescope so valuable?

Jem. It's in my carpet-bag ; it belonged to an old fisherman
at Boulogney; it's worth a guinea ; I'll offer it for half-a-
crown only let me fairly get into the house, they shan't get
me out again in a hurry somebody in the shop, don't say I'm
your nevvy to anybody.

Amos. Not a word. [Exit, L. H. 1 E.

Mrs. H. You can lodge here if you like ; we have a spare bed
to let.

Jem. I'm quite incog, you know.

Mrs. H. Three and sixpence a week.

Jem. No ; three shillings.

Mrs. H. Can't afford less.

Jem. Not to your dear nevvy 1

Mrs. H. Can't indeed !

Jem. Upon my honour, aunt, you look younger and younger
every time I see you.

Mrs. H. Oh, Jemrny !

Jem. You do, indeed aunt.

Mrs. H. Do you think so?

Jem. Upon my honour.

Mrs. H. Oh, Jemmy !

Jem. Three shillings ?

Mrs PL Ah, well, I can't refuse you.

Jem. Ob, you nice old lady.

[Ewunt, R. H. 1 *.
A 3


SCEN 7 E II. An apartment of MR. DocKER's,/oMwg doors at the
lack MR. DOCKER at table on the R. H., examining some trades-
men's bills, an account book t and money by the side of him MRS.
DOCKER sitting opposite to him with papers in her hand AGNES
is reclining in the corner, L. H., in an easy chair, in melan-
choly contemplation.

Doc. What's this ? Lamb tenpence per pound, I won't pay
it ; can get the best in the market for ninepence-halfpenny.

Mis. D. It's the regular price, my dear.

Doc. I won't pay it six pounds deduct a halfpenny from
every pound take off the odd farthings, and that reduces the
bill ; threepence farthing in the sum tottle of the whole.

Mrs. D. Oh, Joseph, my dear !

Doc. If the man won't take it, I shan't deal with him.

Mrs. D. Now about a new bonnet for Agnes.

Doc. What ! a new bonnet again !

Mrs. D. Again ! it's a year since she had one.

Agn. Look at it, pa ! (showing a dirty white misshapen bonnet,
that hangs on her chair back,} Utterly impossible to be seen
in it.

Doc. A very handsome bonnet still you must take it to
pieces turn it and iron out the ribbons it will then look as
good as new cost you only a little trouble, and save me five-
and-tvventy shillings.

Agn. Oh ! the misery of life ; when one's nearest relative
he to whom one owes one's blank existence, can sternly deny
to a desolate heart, the fast fading joy of a new bonnet.

Doc. I can't afford it I'm going to the Haymarket next
week, and I may pick up a cheap straw.

Mrs. D. Oh, Joseph ! we shall both be ashamed to be seen
in the public streets.

Enter Miss PENELOPE PUMP, c. D., a newspaper in her hand.

Miss P. There's no knowing any one who would have
thought it ? that dashing gentleman at the end of the town
Mr. Alfred Tuftori, he who kept his hunters, and admired me
so at the races.

Due. Admired you at the races ! the day of the oaks I know
what of him'?

Miss P. Applying to be discharged from the Fleet Prison !

Doc. Always paid his bills without casting them ; never was
sure that his sum tottle was correct see what it has brought
him to. If 1 were not to contrive, and economize, arid scruti-
nize, where would my family be? Eh! there's a penny too
muc in the fishmonger's bill cast it up yourself.

[Giving the bill to MRS. DOCKER.

SALLY enters ut the back.
Sal. Oh, sir!
Doc. What now?
Sal. Such a bargain !


Doc. A bargain !

Sal. Yes, sir ; a telescope you remember, sir, during the
last eclipse of the sun, how you wanted one.

Doc. I did !

Sal. And how we all blacked our eyes in looking through
your smoked glass, and missis had such a dark rim round
hern, that it got about you bad been beating her, and all the
people in the town have called you a brute ever since !

Doc. Well, well, the bargain.

Sal. A gentleman with a telescope, worth twenty guineas,
come from the Cape of Good Hope, where the people in the
moon are to be seen.

Doc. What does he want for it 1 .

Sal. Only half-a-crown !

Doc. That's cheap, if it's a Dollond let me see him.

[JEMMY and JOLLY heard laughing without.

MR. JOLLY enters from the back, down c.
Jol. Ha ! ha ! the pleasantest fellow I ever met with in all
my life. Ha ! ha ! ha ! such an odd story never saw him be-
foremet him on the mat in the passage told me the drollest
joke shall laugh as long as I live, whenever 1 think of it
ha! ha! ha!

Miss P. Mr. Jolly I'm ashamed of you rude laughter is
excessively vulgar read Chesterfield.

Jol. Never ! never ! while there's a Joe Miller left in the
world ha! ha! ha! man in bed wooden leg left out at
the bottom maid took it for the handle of the warming-pan
pulled man on the floor maid in fits ha ! ha ! never heard
such a thing never.

Sal. It's the gentleman with the telescope.
Doc. (to SALLY.) Tell him to come in.
Miss P. No, no ; he may be some improper character.
Agn. If he indulges in any levity while I am in the room
I shall leave it instantly.

[JOLLY takes a seat on the L. n. of the table at which Miss

PENELOPE is sitting.

Jol. Ha! ha ! ha ! have him by all means!
Sal. (at back.) Walk in, if you please, sir.

[JEMMY appears at the back ; a large telescope in his
hand) he bows profoundly to MR. DOCKER, looks de-
murely at Miss DIANA, winks at JOLLY, and sighs
deeply as he regards AGNES.
Doc. Is that the article you have for sale?
Jem. Yes, sir, a splendid glass ! 1 would not have parted
with it but hearing that you were in want of such a thing I
made bold to call my only motive for disposing of it is
that I am travelling, and and am now so well acquainted
with astronomy, that I've no further occasion for a telescope.
Doc. (examining it.) Half-a-crown, eh?
Jem. I merely put that sum on it because I don't wish to give
it away entirely.


-Ddc. Two shillings ?
Jem. Really sir !

Doc. Though I don't want it, I'll have it if you say tw&
Jem. Well, sir, well as you please.

[The chair in which Miss PENLOPEZ'S sitting, breaks down

with her she screams.
All. What's the matter ?

Miss. P. One of your cheap chairs, Mr. Docker we shall all
break our necks, T know we shall.

Jot. Ha! ha! ha! this is the fourth gone out of the new
half-dozen three in the next room, backs, arms, and legs all
dislocated broke down in one myself yesterday thought I
should have died with laughing, ha, ha !

Miss P. I think you might hand me another, Mr. Jolly and
not stand there laughing.

Jol. I beg your pardon (he hands Miss PENELOPE to his own
chair and takes another for himself in the centre.)

Doc. (looking at chair.) Never was so taken in, in all my life
gave one pound for the half-dozen.

Jem. A pound 1 not worth half the money take me with you
when you want to get a bargain. Bless you, at my villa at Ful-
ham, I could show you wonders in that way fifty-guinea pier-
glasses picked up for nothing.
Doc. Indeed ! where ?
Jem. You shall know by- and-by.
Doc. Attend sales, 1 suppose ?

Jem. No, no when we are better acquainted, I'll put you in
a way to spend your money in a manner that shall delight

Doc. Will you take a glass of sherry, sir ?
Jol. Oh, oh, oh the first time I ever heard such a question
put by Joseph oh, oh, oh !
Jem. You're very kind.
Doc. Sally, place two glasses.
Sal. Sir, are you serious ?
Doc. Do as 1 bid you !
Sal. Going to give away his wire, oh my

[SALLY placts two glasses from a sideboard on DOCKER'S
table DOCKER pees nut at the back JEMMY crows
behind to JOLLY and whispers.
Jol. (in centre.) Oh, don't I shall die ha, ha !
Jem. 'Pen my life it'o a fact.
Jol. No !
Jem. Yes !
Jol. Ha, ha, ha !
Jem. Droll, an't it !
Jol. Fine fan ! Fine fun !

Jem. (crossing to Miss PENELOPE, L. H.) Mr. Docker has been
dreadfully deceived in his purchase of the chairs thought the
seller a fair dealer no doubtit's awful to think how people


are deceived by appearances, I've been a severe sufferer in my
time smiling faces hollow hearts fair outsides black in-
sides dreadful dreadful !

Miss P. Ah, sir it's a false world.

Jem. No knowing any one.

Miss P. Indeed there is riot, sir.

Jem. Do you know Mrs. Mrs. the lady opposite 1

Miss P. T iid way.

Jem. Yes. Mrs. Tudway.

Miss P. What of her 1

(JEMMY whispers in PENELOPE'S ear.)

Miss P. No !

Jem. Yes!

Miss P. Not married !

Jem. True ! ask Lord Cabbinger's butler.

Miss P. Lord who ?

Jem. Cabbioger Harley-street, Portinan-square he knows
tell you the particulars when we are bet'er acquainted
not prudent at present.

Miss P. Certainly not. {aside.) A very prepossessing young

Jol. What's that? something droll?

Jem. {aside to JOLLY.) Yes, tell you by-and-by.

Jol. Oh 1 ha ! ha ! ha ! fine fellow that !

Jem. (to AGNES, who is reading in the L. u. corner.) Reading,
miss 1

Agn. I am, sir !

Jem. Poems ?

Agn. Yes, sir !

Jem. Melancholy"?

Agn. Yes, sir!

Jem. Ah ! you should read Mrs. Grunts.

Agn. Whose sir?

Jem. Mrs. Grunts ! oh, charming !

" Mine is the bosom seared with sorrow

Mine is the "

Oh, delicious delicious ah, miss when one looks at the
hollowness of the human heart, when one feels the emptiness
of the the one turns away disgusted with life.

Agn. Do you sir ? Are you indeed a congenial spirit ?

Jem. Ah ! Miss young affections blighted hopes spring
of life fair blossoms dead gone ah (groans and crosses
with a sentimental air to JOLLY.) Got another for you, such a
ruin un.

Jol. Oh, don't, I shall fail off the chair.

(JEMMY whispers JOLLY.)

Jol. Ha! ha! ha! well that's good that's good capital by
Jove !
DOCKER re-enters with a large decanter containing about two glasses

of wine.
Doc. Now sir taste this sherry !


Jem. With pleasure, sir !

[JEMMY takes his seat opposite DOCKER on MRS. DOCKER'S
leaving it to talk to AGNES DOCKER pours him out
a glass then Jills one for himself JEMMY sips his
wine with the air of a connoisseur.

Doc. What do you think of that, sir ?
Jem. Fair what vintage ?

Doc. I don't exactly know picked it up at a sale- five- and-

Jem. You've been deceived, sir.
Doc. Have I ?
Jem. Taken in.
Doc. You don't say so !

Jem. (sipping and making a face.) Five-and-twenty for that
vinegar ?

Doc. Vinegar !

Mrs. D. I told you it made us all ill !
Jem. (to Miss PENELOPE.) Allow me to offer you a glass.
Miss P. No thank you I tasted it once that was sufficient !
Jem. My dear sir, for three-and-twenty you shall drink hock
dreadful world, madam, the tricks in trade are shocking.
Miss P. Shocking, sir shocking !
Jem. (to DOCKER.) What d') T e pay for coals 1
Df,c. Thirty a ton.
Mrs. D. And all slates, sir.

Jem. Dear, dear you are imposed on by everybody.
Mrs. D. 1 always said so, Joseph, but you never mind me.
Jem. Put on your hat, (to DOCKER,) and come with me shall
fill your cellar the very best how much d'ye think?
Doc. Nine-fend- twenty.

1 3

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