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worse than anarchy: injustice. "What, then, if
to begin everything from the beginning; the strong
will again offend the weak." Yes, everything
from the beginning again, but with this difference,
that while now we continue the cruelty and injus-
tice which have been established in heathen bar-
baric times, we now live in the light of Christian-
ity and the cruelty and injustice will not be the
same cruelty and injustice. ... (It isn't quite all
right, but it was. )

3)! look about me and the lines which I see I
force into that form which lives in my imagina-
tion. I see white on the horizon and involuntarily
I give this white the form of a church. Is it not in
this way that everything we see in this world takes
on the form which already lives in our imagina-
tion (consciousness), which we carried over from
our former life? (An idea.)

Exquisite weather. Friendly, hot Spring. I
am at peace and am well.

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i
May 5. Grinevka. If I live.



To-day May g. Grinevka.

During these days we had visitors: Masha,
Varia. 316 I go every day somewhere to open a
soup-kitchen. I am not writing at all. I feel
weak. Yesterday there was a rain storm. I
went to Bobrika. To-day I went to Nicholskoe.
I went to Gubarevka and returning through the
wood, thought. ... I don't feel like writing,
later I shall write out two thoughts, very impor-
tant ones:

1 ) One, that I cannot put before me, that which
tortured me before : my destruction.

2) That the other life begins to attract me,
only the process of getting there is terrible. If
only I could arrive safely, everything there will
be all right;

3) To-day I thought that the object of faith
is only one God. This I must write out, ex-
plain.

To-day I am in a very weak state.
May 10. Grinevka. If I live.

To-day May n. Grinevka.

Yesterday I wrote a little on The Appeal.
Then I went to Mikhail's Ford.

Saw Strakhov in my sleep, 316 who said to me
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MAY] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

that I should write out clearly, for the plain man,
what God is. ' You ought to write it, Leo Nich-
olaievich," (Tolstoi.)

To-day my stomach ached a little. I didn't dine
and wrote much on The Appeal. It seems to be
taking form. I am feeling fresh in the head, a
thing I haven't felt for a long time. Thanks to
my gymnastic exercises, I have become convinced
for the first time, that I am old and weak and I
must stop physical exercise entirely. This is even
pleasant.

I forgot for a moment, my rule, not to expect
anything from others, but to do what one ought
to do oneself before God, and there arose in
me an evil feeling. . . . But I remembered,
asked in good faith what was necessary and I
felt better.

1) There is one object of faith God, He
who sent me. He who sent me, He who is every-
thing of which I feel myself to be a part. This
faith is indispensable and satisfying. If you have
this faith then there is no room for any other.
Everything else is trust and not faith. You can
only have faith in that which undoubtedly is, but
which we cannot embrace with our reason.

2) Yesterday I thought that the form of think-
ing categories are not seven but four : cause,
matter, space, time. But only one: movement,
encloses everything in itself. Movement is a

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

change of place, therefore there is space; change
of place can be swifter and slower, therefore there
is time; and a preceding movement is a cause, a
following one, an effect; that which is displaced
is matter. Everything is movement. Man him-
self moves incessantly and therefore everything
explains itself to him by movement alone.

3) The most harmful effect of an evil act is that
when a man accomplishes it he frees himself from
the demands of his conscience. " We eat ani-
mals, therefore why not hunt?" . . . and so
you have no need to stand on ceremony . . . etc.

4) A strange thought came to me. Our whole
life is in this, that we consider ourselves a sepa-
rate unit, an individual, a man. But besides this
being specialised, individualised, from all others,
chemistry discloses for us entirely different sepa-
rate units, acids, nitrogen, etc. They are sepa-
rate and therefore they have life. (Nonsense.)
May 12. Grinevka. If I live.

To-day May 75. Morning. Grinevka.

Within these two days I went to Mtsensk, 317
Kukuevka, and yesterday to Batyevo. 318 Wrote
Hadji Murad unwillingly. I have exercised
again. 319 It is stupid, almost an insanity. Wrote
a poor letter to Posha. I am pleased with every
one here.

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MAY.] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

Just now I have reread this journal and it did
not leave me very dissatisfied. Oh, if I would
only remember more my transitory, subservient
condition here !

Have made no entries. My health would be
good if my back weren't aching. Began to write
letters. Not succeeding. One must wait peace-
fully and live before God.
May 1 6. Grinevka. If I live.

To-day May ig. Grinevka.

Sonya was here. She arrived the I7th. This
morning she went away. I have been trying to
write these two days. Can't do anything. An ex-
ceptional weakness and pain in my spinal column.

To-day May 20. Evening. Grinevka.

This morning I wrote rather much on The Ap-
peal. In the evening I wrote 13 letters. Went
nowhere. My back is better. The main thing,
is that my brain is working and I am happy.

Received 500 roubles, and 1000 roubles arc
lying in Cherni. 320

I am not going to write any more, although I
have many notes.

To-day May 27. Grinevka. In the morning.
During this time I wrote The Appeal and
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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

finished the article on the condition of the peo-
ple. 321

Just now I am writing to write out my notes
there is much that has to be written out that
everything which is said in Paul (Corinthians
xiii) about love has to be said, and even more
about the renunciation of oneself. It is impos-
sible to lay up love within oneself but the re-
nunciation of oneself is possible. It suffices to
renounce oneself and love will arise.

I thought this, because just now in the morning,
I began to remember all the difficulties which
might arise from the distribution of the contribu-
tions, about everything which had to be done for
the Dukhobors, for my own writing, and of which
I had done nothing, and about all my weaknesses,
errors, about my joyless life with the children, and
such as I had not wanted it to be, and my lack of
consequence and it sufficed only to negate my-
self, my own desires, and immediately all wrong
passed away, both of the past and the future, and
one thing remained, the need of service in the
present. How time vanishes remarkably in the
consciousness of one's mission.

To-day, I think, June 12. Yasnaya Polyana.

I went with Sonya (my daughter-in-law) 322 to
the Tsurikovs, Aphremovs, and the Levitskys. 323
I have a very pleasant impression and fell in love

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JUNE] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

with many ; but fell ill and did not do my work and
made a lot of fuss both for Levitsky and the house-
hold. 324 . . .

It is four days since I arrived in Yasnaya and I
am recovering nicely. Wrote many letters.

I received almost 4,000 roubles, which I can-
not use this year. 325

Masha is here with her husband and Iliusha.
The Westerlunds were here. 326 . . .

To-day, entirely unexpectedly, I began to finish
Sergius. 321 No news from England. 328

I have made many notes.

1) I cannot remember now what and how I
thought it: this is the note: " You are often too
strict with people, and he, poor man, is good for
nothing."

2 ) Although I noted it before, I can't help but
repeat: . . .

3)

4) The life of the world is one, i.e., in the
sense that it is impossible to apply the conception
of number to it. Plurality comes only from the
partitions of consciousness. For a universal con-
sciousness there is no number, no plurality.

5 ) Non-resistance to evil is important not there-
fore only, because a man has to act so for him-
self, for attaining the perfection of love, but also
because only non-resistance alone stops evil, local-
ises it in itself, neutralises it, does not permit it

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

to go farther, as it inevitably does, like the trans-
mission of movement to elastic balls, if there be
no force which would absorb it. Active Chris-
tianity is not in doing, creating Christianity, but
in absorbing evil.

I feel very much like writing out the story,
The Coupon.

6) Death is the crossing-over from one con-
sciousness to another, from one image of the
world to another. It is as if you go over from
one scene with its scenery to another. At the
moment of crossing over, it is evident that that
what we consider real, is only an image, because
we are going over from one image into another.
At the moment of this crossing-over, there be-
comes evident, or at least one feels, the most
actual reality. Because of this, the moment of
death is important and dear.

7) For a universal consciousness, for God,
matter does not exist. Matter is only for beings,
separated one from another. The limits of sepa-
rateness is that which we call matter, in all its in-
finite forms.

8) It is impossible to remember sufficiently that
the life of all beings is continuous movement. Al-
most all our misery comes from the fact that we
do not know this or forget this. And imagining
that we do not go forward, but that we stand still,
we grasp the beings moving alongside of us

234



JUNE] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

some going faster, some going slower than we
we grasp them and hold on as long as the force
of the movement does not tear us away. And
we suffer.

9) We are all rolling down a slope, going down
lower and lower to the plain. Every attempt to
hold to one's place, only makes the fall bigger,
the more you hold on.

10) We are sent to cross this sloping path,
carrying across it that light which is entrusted to
us. And all that we can do is to help each
other on the road to carry this light; but we hold
back, pushing each other down, extinguishing our
light and that of the others. (It isn't good, not
what I wanted to say.)

n) I know, that when people yawn in front
of me, I can become infected, and therefore I
say to myself : I don't want to yawn and I won't.
I have learned to do this as to yawning, but I am
only beginning to learn this as to anger.

12) The sight depresses me strangely ... of
those owning the land and compelling the people
to work. How my conscience is struck. And
this is not something reasoned, but a very strong
feeling. Was I wrong in not giving my land to
the peasants? I don't know.

13) Lieskov made use of my theme and
badly. 330 I had an exquisite thought three
problems: What was the most important time?

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

what man? and what act? The time is the im-
mediate, this minute ; the man he with whom
you have immediate business ; the act, to save your
soul, i.e., to do the act of love. 331

14) It is impossible to save humanity from that
deception in which it is caught. . . . Only a re-
ligious feeling can give the counterstroke and con-
quer.
June 13. Y. P. If I live.

June 14. Y. P. Evening.

Both days I wrote Father Sergius. It is com-
ing out well. Wrote letters. To-day there was
a christening. 332

I still cannot be fully good. ... It is dif-
ficult, but I do not despair.

To-day June 22. Y. P.

On the 1 6th I fell very ill. 333 I never had felt
so weak and so near death. I am ashamed to have
made use of the care which they gave me. I could
do nothing. I only read and made some notes.
To-day I am a great deal better. Ukhtomsky 334
was pleased with my article, 335 but nevertheless he
refused to print it. I telegraphed to Menshikov
that he should try the Viestnik Evropa and the
Russki 7>d. 336 I am afraid I am going to be-
come tiresome.

236



JUNE] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

The youth have been driven away. For they
have forbidden that the flour that was bought be
sold. 337

. . . Received a letter from Chertkov, a good
one. The Dieterichs arrived. 338 Dear Dunaev
was here. They talked about the great riot of
the factory workers. I shall finish later.

To-day June 28. Y. P. Evening.

I am only now recovered, and am experiencing
the joy of convalescence. I feel nature very
vividly, keenly, and have a great clarity of thought.

I wrote a little on The Appeal. To-day I wrote
Father Sergius and both are good. Wrote many
letters yesterday. All that I received yesterday
were unpleasant: from N, but principally from
Gali, with the news that they have all quarrelled.
Posha is going to Switzerland and Boulanger to
Bulgaria. 339

Tania went to Masha's. . . .

There is only one thing; one real thing that has
been given us : to live lovingly with one's brothers,
with every one. One must renounce oneself. I
wrote that to my friends and I am going to be
strict with myself.

Here is what I have written down. . . .

I have just read up to this point, where every-
thing that is difficult can be made to vanish when
you throw off the illusion of a personal life, when

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

you recognise your mission in the service to God,
and that it would be good to experience this in
physicial suffering, whether it will stand physical
suffering. And here was a chance to experience
it and I forgot and did not experience it. It is
too bad. But the next time.
Have written down:

1 ) Paul Adam 34 gives the peasants a cruel
characteristic, especially the working men : they are
vulgar, selfish, slaves, fanatics perhaps all this
is just, but the one thing, that they can live with-
out us and we cannot live without them, wipes out
everything. And therefore it is not for us to
judge. (Something is wrong here.)

2) It is especially disagreeable for me when
people who have lived little and thought little, do
not believe me, and not understanding me, argue
with me about moral problems. It would be the
same for which a veterinary surgeon would be
hurt, if people who were not familiar with his art
were to argue with him. The difference is only
in this, that the art of the veterinary, the cook, the
samovar-maker or any kind of art or science, is rec-
ognised as an art or a science where only those peo-
ple are competent who have studied that realm ; in
the matter of morality every one considers himself
competent, because every one has to justify his
life. But life is justified only by theories of moral-
ity. And every one makes them for himself.

238



JUNE] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

3)! have often thought about falling in love,
about the good, ideal falling in love, which is
exclusive of every sensuality, and I cannot find
either place or meaning for it. But its place
and meaning is very clear and definite: it is to
lighten the struggle between sex desire and chas-
tity. Falling in love ought to be for a young man
who cannot keep to full chastity before marriage,
and to release the young men in the most critical
years, from 1 6 to 20 or more, from the torturing
struggle. Here is the place for falling in love.
But when it breaks out in the life of people after
marriage, it is out of place and disgusting.

4) I am often asked for advice as to the prob-
lem of owning land. It is my old custom to an-
swer: that it is unsuitable for me to answer such
problems, just as it would be unsuitable for me to
answer the problem how to make use of the owner-
ship or the labour or the rent of a bonded serf.

5) People who stand on a lower moral plane
or religious world point of view cannot understand
people standing on a higher plane. But that there
should be a possibility of union between them,
there has been given to people standing on a lower
plane the instinct for the good and a respect for
this good. If there is not this instinct and re-
spect, then it is very bad. But in our society,
among so-called educated people, this is getting
to be less and less.

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

To-day June 30. Y. P.

I am still ill, and very weak. But I think I am
improving, and my spiritual state is good. The
day before yesterday I received a letter about the
quarrel in England. 341 I wrote to them. It is
very sad and very instructive. Yesterday I re-
ceived a letter from Khilkov with a letter from
Miss Pickard about the Dukhobors. 342 I wrote
letters to Crosby, and Willard 343 and Khilkov.
The affair of the Dukhobors is important and big
and evidently something will come out of it which
is entirely different from what we are preparing,
but it is God's affair. To-day Mme. Annenkov
arrived. Menshikov telegraphed that Gaidebu-
rov 344 will print with omissions. During these
days I wrote Sergius it isn't good.

I am going to continue to write out the former :

6) ...

7) A man is a being separated from all others,
who feels his limits. Among the number of gen-
eral limits by which he separates himself from
other beings, are his limits which are in common
with that being incomprehensible to him the
earth. Death is the destruction of all the various
common limits with other beings and always of
the common limit of the being of the earth a
fusion with earth. Every sickness, wound, old
age, is a destruction of these limits.

240



JUNE] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

8) The work of life is to love. It is impossi-
ble to love expressly those people unworthy of
love; but it is possible not to love to behave
well, in a good way, toward such people in every
given moment.

9) I remembered keenly what a matter of enor-
mous importance was complete truthfulness in
every detail, in everything, the avoidance of all
outer false forms. And I decided to keep to this.
It is never too late to mend. 346

10) The minister said to the murderer: " Oh
brother, don't worry. God has pardoned even
greater sinners. But who are you? Don't lose
heart. Pray." The murderer burst into tears.

n) How great and stable seemed the happi-
ness of the American people, and how unstable it
proved to be, like all happiness not founded on
life, according to the law of Christ. The Span-
ish-American War, Jingoism.

12) I have often prayed (almost without be-
lieving, to try out) that God arrange my life as I
wish. To-day I simply prayed my customary
morning prayer and rather attentively. And after
this prayer, I recalled my wish and wanted to add
a prayer about the fulfilment of this wish, and
tried to address God about it. And immediately
I realised my mistake that it would be very
much better if everything was not according to

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

my will, but according to His. And without the
least effort and with joy I said: " Yes, let there
not be my will, but Thine."

13) A spiritual life means that you should see
the connection between cause and effect in the spir-
itual world and that you be guided in life by this
connection. Materialists do not see this connec-
tion and therefore do not take it as a guide for
their acts, but they take as a guide for their acts
the physical, causal connection, the one which is so
complicated that we never fully know it, because
every effect is an effect of an effect; but the funda-
mental cause of everything is always spiritual.
(Not clearly expressed, but important).

14) Epictetus says this very thing when he re-
proaches people for being very attentive to the
phenomenon of the outer world to that which
is not in our power and being inattentive to the
phenomenon of the inner, to that which is in our
power.

15) To many it seems that if you exclude per-
sonality from life and a love for it, then nothing
will remain. It seems to them that without per-
sonality there is no life. But this only appears so
to people who have not experienced self-renuncia-
tion. Throw off personality from life, renounce
it, and then there will remain that which makes the
essence of life love.

16) (For The Appeal} . . .

242



JULY] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi
To-morrow, July 1st. If I live.

July 6. Y. P.

Am entirely well. Yesterday I took leave of
Dunaev and Mme. Annenkov, who were here.
I live very badly. I cannot reconcile myself to
the will of God.

To-day I thought :

The life of Christ is very important as an in-
stance of that impossibility of man to see the fruits
of his labours. And the less so, the more import-
ant the work. Moses could enter into the prom-
ised land with his people, but Christ could in no
way see the fruit of his teaching even if he had
lived up to now. This is what one has to learn.
But we want to do the work of God and to receive
human reward.

July 17. Y. P. 'g8. Morning.

There was nothing very special during these 1 1
days. I have decided to give my novels away,
Resurrection and Father Sergius, to be printed for
the Dukhobors. 348

S. went to Kiev.

An inner struggle. I believe little in God. I
do not rejoice at the examination, but am burdened
by it, admitting in advance that I won't pass. All
last night I didn't sleep. I rose early and prayed
much.

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

To-day the Dieterichs and the Gorbunovs ar-
rived. It was pleasant with them. Took hold of
Resurrection, and in the beginning it went well, but
from the moment when I became alarmed, these
two days, I have been unable to do anything. I
took a very nice walk.

I wrote a letter to Jarnefelt 347 and prepared a
postscript. This is the only important thing.
But I haven't the strength to withstand the cus-
tomary temptation. 348 Come and dwell within
us. Awake the resurrection in me!

I have made many notes. I will hardly have
time to write them out now.

1) Brooding leads to dreams, dreams to pas-
sions, passion to devils. (From Love for the
Good.) 3 * 9

2) The aesthetic pleasure which you receive
from Nature is attainable to all. Every one is af-
fected by it differently, but it affects every one.
Art should have the same effect.

3) How difficult it is to really live for God
alone. You think you are living for God, but as
soon as life jolts you, as soon as that support in
life to which you are holding on, fails you, then
you feel that there is no holding power in God and
you fall.

4) For Father Sergius: Alone he is good,
with people he falls.

5 ) What an obvious error : to live for worldly
244



JULY] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

ends. Whenever the purpose is not narrowly ego-
tistic then this purpose is not quickly attained in
life. Moses did not enter the promised land and
Christ despaired of His labour: "Why hast
Thou abandoned me ?" . . .

6) There is no peace, either for him who lives
for worldly ends among people, or for him who
lives for spiritual ends alone. There is peace only
then when a man lives for the service of God
among people.

To-day, July 20. Y. P.

A letter from S and from Masha. I still do not
sleep, but things are settling themselves in my soul,
and as always, suffering is of benefit. Yesterday I
went to Ovsiannikovo, spoke with Ivan Ivano-
vich. 350 Yesterday I worked well on Resurrec-
tion.

It is morning now. I am not continuing to
write out from the notebooks, but I am going to
write out what I not being asleep have just
now been thinking; it is an old but easily forgotten
thing, and an important one which should be also
told to N with whom they talked last night.
Namely:

i) Life for oneself is a torture, because you
want to live for an illusion, for that which does
not exist, and it not only cannot be happy, but it
cannot be at all. It is the same as dressing and

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [i

feeding a shadow. Life exists only outside of
oneself, in the service of others, and not in the
service of one's near ones, beloved ones that is
again for oneself but in the service of those
whom we do not love, and better still, in the ser-
vice of enemies. Help, Father. The terrible
error is that one confuses sex-love, love for chil-
dren, for friends, with love of people through God,
of people to whom you are indifferent, and still
more of enemies, that is, of erring people.

Aug. 3. Pirogovo.

Again everything is in the old way, again my life
is horrid. I have lived through very much; I
haven't passed the examination. But I do not de-
spair and I want a re-examination. I passed
the examination exceptionally badly, because I had
the intention of going over to another institution.
It is just these thoughts one must throw away, then
one will learn better.

During this time Sonya returned and dear Tania
Kuzminsky was here. The work on Resurrection
goes very badly, although it seems to me I have
thought it out much better. The 3rd day in Piro-


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