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reason only serves her feeling. She cannot even
understand that feeling can be made subservient
to reason.

146



AUGUST] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

2) But there are not so many women as
there are such men who do not hear, do not see,
the unpleasant, do not see it just as if it didn't
exist

3) When people haven't the power to get rid
of superstition and they continue to pay tribute
to it, and at the same time when they see that
others have freed themselves, they grow angry
at those who have freed themselves. " But I
suffer when I commit stupidities and he is
free."

4) Art, i.e., artists, instead of serving people,
exploit them.

5 ) From the time I became old, I began to con-
fuse people, . . . belonging or being marked in
my mind as one type. So that I do not know
N, N N, but I know a collective personality to
which N, N N, belong.

6) We are so accustomed to the thought that
everything is for us, that the earth is mine, that
when we have to die, we are surprised that my
earth, something belonging to me, will remain
and I won't. Here the principal mistake is in
thinking the earth as something acquired and com-
plementary to me, when it is I who am acquired
by the earth, an appendage to it.

7 ) How good it would be if we could live with
the same concentration, do the work of life
principally; communion among people with



The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

that concentration with which we play chess, read

music, etc.

Aug. 16. Y, P. If I live.

To-day Sept. ig. Y. P.

More than a month I have made no entries.
Things are the same and the work has been ad-
vancing all the time. And it could advance still
more as to form, but there is absolutely no time.
Such an amount of work ! A typist is making the
final copy on a Remington. I have reached the
1 9th chapter, inclusive.

During this time the important thing was the
expulsion of Boulanger. 219

My work has been interrupted occasionally only
by a letter to the Swedish papers about the Duk-
hobors 22 on the occasion of the Nobel prize.

Also ill health interrupted: a terrible boil on
the cheek. I thought it was a cancer, and I am
happy that it was not very unpleasant to think
that: I am receiving a new appointment; one
which in any case, isn't slipping past me.

St. John was here. 221

My work was interrupted also by the arrival
of the Molokans from Samara in reference to
their children which were taken away. 222 I
wanted to write abroad and even wrote a very
violent, and what seemed to me, strong letter, but

148



SEPTEMBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

changed my mind. It was not to be done before
God. I have to try again.

To-day I wrote letters: to the Emperor, 223 to
Olsuphiev, 224 to Heath, 225 and to E. I. Chert-
kov, 226 and saw the Molokans off.

I wanted to write from my notebooks, but it is
late. I am going to bed.
Sept. 20. Yasn. P. If I live.

Sept. 20. Y. P.

Let me write even a few words. The boil still
bothers me very much. I have no full liberte
d f esprit. I wrote the Swedish letter to-day, and
in the evening translated it into Swedish 227 with
the Swede.

I am not writing from the notebook, but I will
note that which entered my head with special
vividness.

Our life is so arranged that all our care for
ourselves, the use of our reason (our spiritual
forces) for the care of ourselves, brings only un-
happiness. And yet this egotism is necessary in
order to live a separate life. That is His mysteri-
ous will. As soon as you live for yourself, you
perish; when you live beyond yourself, there is
peace and joy both for yourself and for others.
Sept. 20. Y.P. If I live.



149



The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

To-day Sept. 22. Y. P.

. . . Yesterday I finished the translation with
Langlet.

To-day I was busy with Art, but it didn't go at
all, and therefore the preceding did not please me.

S. arrived to-day.

At night I thought of the separation of lust
from love, and that ether is a conception outside
of the senses.

It is now past twelve in the morning. I am
waiting for Ilya and Andrusha. I have just now
written a letter to the editor of the Tagblatt
Stockholm, and to Chertkov.

September 23. Y. P. If I live.

i

Oct. 2. Y. P.

I am working all the time on Art. The
abscess is going away. I should have liked more
peace. Yes . . .

To-day Oct. 14. Y. P.

... I am still writing on art. To-day I cor-
rected the loth chapter. I cleared up the vague
parts.

I must write out the notebooks; I am afraid
I have forgotten much.

i ) There is no greater prop for a selfish, peace-
ful life, than the occupation of art for art's sake.

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OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

The despot, the villain, must inevitably love art.
(I have jotted down something on this order, but
I can't recall it now.)

2) I imagined clearly to myself how joyous,
peaceful, and fully free a life could be, if one
gave oneself entirely to God, i.e., in every instance
in life to seek only one thing: to do that which
He wants to do that in sickness, in offence, in
humiliation, in suffering, in all temptations and
in death which would then be only a change
in appointment. Weakness, the non-fulfilment of
that which God wants what happens then?
Nothing: There is a return to the consciousness
that only in its fulfilment is life. The moments
of weakness they are the intervals between the
letters of life, not life. Father, help me.

3) I saw in my sleep how I think, I say, that
the whole matter lies in making an effort, that
very effort which is spoken of in the Gospels:
" The Kingdom of God is attained by effort."
Everything that is good, everything that is real,
every true act of life is accomplished through ef-
forts; make no effort, swim with the current and
you do not live. But, however, the . . . doc-
trine preaches that effort is sin, it is pride, it is
relying on one's own strength: the lay doctrine
says the same thing: effort by oneself is useless;
organisation, surroundings do everything. What
error I Effort is more important than anything.

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

Every least little bit of effort: the conquering of
laziness, greed, lust, wrath, depression is the
most important of important things ; it is the mani-
festation of God in life; it is Karma; it is the
broadening of one's " self." Whatever had been
marked off is guess work. 228

4) Details for Hadji Murad: i) The
shadow of an eagle over the slope of a mountain;
2) at the river, on the sands, are tracks of horses,
animals, people; 3) riding into the forest, the
horses snort keenly; 4) from behind a clump of
trees a goat jumped out.

5) When people are enthusiastic about Shake-
speare, Beethoven, they are enthusiastic about
their own thoughts, dreams, which are called
forth by Shakespeare, Beethoven, just as people
in love do not love the object of their love, but
what it calls forth in them. In this enthusiasm,
there is no true reality of art, but absolute bound-
lessness.

6) Only then can one understand and feel God
when one has understood clearly the unreality of
everything material.

7) Not long ago, in the summer, I felt God
clearly for the first time ; that He existed and that
I existed in Him; and that the only thing that
existed was I in Him : in Him, like a limited thing
in an unlimited thing, in Him also like a limited
being in which He existed.

152



OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

(Horribly bad, unclear. But I felt it clearly
and especially keenly for the first time in my
life.)

In general, I don't know why, but I haven't the
same religious feeling which I had when I form-
erly wrote my Journal for no one. The fact that
it was read and that it can be read, kills this feel-
ing. But the feeling was precious and helped me
in life. I am going to begin anew from the pres-
ent date, the I4th, to write again as before so
that no one will read it during my life time. If
there will be thoughts worth it, I can write them
out and send them to Chertkov. 229

8) A man incapable of repentance has no sal-
vation from his sins. Even if his sins are pointed
out to him, he only gets angry at those who point
them out, and a new sin is added.

9) All attempts to live on the land and feed
oneself by one's own labour have been unsuccess-
ful, and could not help being unsuccessful in Rus-
sia, because it is necessary for a man of our educa-
tion feeding himself by his own labour, to compete
with the peasant who fixes the prices, beating
them down by his offer. But he was brought up
for generations in stern life and stubborn work,
while we were brought up for generations in lux-
urious life and idle laziness. From this it does
not follow that one ought not to try to feed one's
self by one's own labour, but only that it is im-

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

possible to expect its realisation in the first gen-
eration.

10) All calamities which are born from sex
relations, from being in love, come from this,
that we confuse fleshly lust with spiritual life, with
terrible to say love ; we use our reason not
to condemn and limit this passion, but to adorn
it with the peacock feathers of spirituality. Here
is where les extremes se touchent. To attribute
every attraction between the sexes to sex desire
seems very materialistic, but, on the contrary, it is
the most spiritual point of view: to distinguish
from the realm of the spiritual everything which
does not belong to it, in order to be able to value
it highly.

n) Everything that I know is the product of
my senses. My senses demonstrate to me my
limits, coming in contact with the limits of other
beings. This sensation, or the knowledge of
limits, we recognise and cannot recognise other-
wise, than as matter. And in this matter we see
either only matter or beings who like us are bound
by limits. The beings near to us in size, from
the elephant to the insect, we know we know
their limits. The beings that are far from us in
size, like atoms or like the stars, we recognise
as matter only. But besides these two kinds of
beings which we know by our senses, we must
inevitably acknowledge still other beings (not

154



OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

spiritual beings like us, that is obvious) not
recognisable by our senses, but which are material,
i.e., they also form limits. Such beings are atoms,
ether. The presence of these beings, the admis-
sion of which is demanded by our reason, un-
doubtedly proves that our senses give us only a
one-sided and a very limited knowledge of other
beings and of the outer world. So that we can
imagine for ourselves such beings endowed with
such senses (sens) for whom ether would give
the very same reality, as matter for us.
(It is still unclear, but understandable.)

12) If we would always remember that our
tongue was given us for the transmission of our
thoughts, and the capacity of thinking for the
understanding of God and His law of love, and
that therefore you must talk only then when you
have something good to say ! But when you can-
not say anything good, cannot keep back the bad
then be silent, even all your life.

13) As soon as you have a disagreeable feel-
ing towards a man, it means there is something
you don't know. And you ought to find out : you
ought to find out the motives of that act which
was disagreeable to you. And as soon as you
have understood the motives clearly then it can
anger you as little as a falling stone.

14) You get angry at a woman because she
does not understand or she understands, but

155



The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

does not do that which her reason tells her. She
is unable to do it. Just as a magnet acts on iron
and does not act on wood, so are the conclusions
of reason not binding on her have no motor
power. For her feeling is binding, and the con-
clusions of reasons are so only when they are
transmitted by authorities, i.e., by the feeling of
the desire not to remain behind others. So that
she will not believe and will not follow an obvious
demand of reason, if it be not confirmed by an
authority; but she will believe and follow the
greatest absurdity if only every one does it. She
cannot do otherwise. But we get angry. There
are also many men like that womanish.

15) One has to serve others, not oneself, if
only for the reason that in the serving of others
there is a limit and therefore it is possible here to
act rationally, build a house for him who is with-
out, buy cattle, clothes ; but in the serving of one-
self there is no limit: the more you serve, the
worse it is.

1 6) Time is only for the body: it is the rela-
tionship of beings with the various limits seen
by us, to beings whose limits we do not see; to
the movement of the sun, the moon, the earth, to
the movement of the sands in the hour-glass.
And therefore time is for that which we call the
body, for that which has limits ; but for that which
has no limits : for the spiritual there is no time.

156



OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

Therefore you remember only those times in
which you lived spiritually. (Unclear, but was
clear.)

17) We suffer from ourselves, from the de-
mands of our " self," and we all know that the
only means for not suffering from that " self," is
to forget it. And we seek forgetfulness in dis-
tractions, in occupations with art, science, in wine,
in smoking and there is no real forgetfulness.
But God made it so that there should be only one
real forgetfulness, one that is real and always at
hand in the care for others, in the serving of
others.

But I forgot this and I live a terribly selfish life,
and therefore I am unhappy.

1 8) I went past the out-houses. I remem-
bered the nights that I spent there, and the youth
and the beauty of Duniasha (I never had any re-
lation with her), her strong, womanly body.
Where is it? It has been long nothing but bones.
What are those bones? What is their relation
to Duniasha? There was a time when those
bones formed a part of that separate being which
had been Duniasha. Then this being changed its
centre and that which had been Duniasha became
a part of another being, enormous, inconceivable
to me in magnitude, which I call earth. We do
not know the life of the earth, and therefore we
think it dead, just like an insect who lives one hour

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

thinks my body dead, because he does not see its
movement.

19) Space is the relation of various limited be-
ings among themselves. It exists. But time is
only the relation of the movement of living beings
among themselves, and the movement of matter
which we consider dead.

20) The most horrible of all is intoxication: of
wine, of games, of money greed, of politics, of
art, of being in love. It is impossible to speak
with such people as long as they haven't slept it
off. It is terrible. 230

The letter to Stockholm has been printed.
Oct. 75. Y. P. If I live.

To-day Oct. 16. Y. P.

Did not write yesterday. My health is en-
tirely improved. . . . From Olga Dieterichs, a
letter from Chertkov. It is evident that as a re-
sult, he and she also have lived through difficult
times. 231

Last night and to-day, I wanted to write Hadji
Murad. Began it. It has a semblance of some-
thing, but I did not continue it, because I was not
in full mastery. I ought not to spoil it by forc-
ing. Up to now the Peterburaskia Viedomosti
has not printed it. 282

I have noted :

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OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

1 ) I have noted many resolutions, rules, which
if I could remember, I would live well. But the
rules are too many, and it is impossible to remem-
ber them always. The same thing as to imitations
of art: the rules are too many, and to remember
them always is impossible; it ought to come from
within, be guided by feeling. The same thing in
life. If only you are touched by feeling, if you
live in God, then you would not recede from a
single rule and you would do more than is in the
rules. If one could only always be in this
state.

But to-day, just now, I was in the worst mood.
I was angry with everything. What does it
mean? How explain this state to oneself?

2) This explanation came to me: the soul, the
spiritual essence, can live in its own centre or
within its own limits. Living in itself, it is not
conscious of its limits; living in the periphery it
incessantly and painfully feels its limits. A re-
lease from this state is the recognition of the illu-
sion of the material world, to go away from the
limits, to concentrate in oneself. (Unclear.)
Oct. 17. Y. P. If I live.

Oct. 77. 7. P. 12 midnight.

. . . Help me, Lord, to act not according to my
will, but according to Thine. Received a letter

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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

from N about Beller and other ministers who
preach the inconsistency of military service and
Christianity, 233 and about Chertkov, that he was
fussy, had sinned and had fallen ill. 234

Am correcting the loth chapter, it is about to
be sent off. 235 . . . My letter was printed in the
Peterburgskia Fiedomosti.

I thought: The road of all evil and of all suf-
fering is not so much ignorance as false knowl-
edge deception. The Appeal ought to be fin-
ished with an appeal for all to help towards the
abolition of deception.
Oct. 18. Yasn. Pol. If I live.

Yesterday I made no notes; to-day Oct. ig.
Y.P.

. . . Both yesterday and to-day I felt great
apathy, although I was well. I don't feel like
working. Corrected Chapters 13, 14, 15. I re-
ceived the re-copied chapters from Moscow and
the conclusion. Yesterday I went to Yasenki.
To-day I chopped wood and carried it. Novikov
was here. Viacheslav 236 spent the night. To-
day a letter from Boulanger. I want to write to
him right away and to my wife. I ought to write
to Salomon.

Solitude nevertheless is very pleasant.
Oct. 20. Y. P. If I live.

160



OCTOBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

To-day Oct. 21. Y. P.

Received proof of the Carpenter article from
Sieverni Viestnik and began to write a preface.
Corrected Art, received letters from Chertkov
and Boulanger.

Yesterday my work didn't go. Went to Ya-
senki.

Just now, remaining alone after my work, I
asked myself what I should do, and having no
personal desire (except the bodily demands aris-
ing only when I want to eat or sleep) I felt so
keenly the joy of the knowledge of the Will of
God, that I need and want nothing but to do what
He wants. This feeling arose as a result of the
question which I myself put to myself when I
remained alone in the silence: Who am I?
Why am I ? And the answer came so clearly by
itself: No matter who and what I am, I have
been sent by some one to do something. Well,
let me do that work. And so joyously and so well
did I feel my fusion with the Will of God.

This is my second live feeling for God. Then
I simply felt love for God. At this moment, I
cannot remember how it was; I only remember
that it was a joyful feeling.

Oh, what happiness is solitude! To-day it is
so good : you feel God.
Oct. 22. Y. P. If I live.

161



The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

Oct. 22. Y. P.

I am writing in the evening. All day I did not
feel like working. I slept badly. ... I cor-
rected the nth chapter in the morning, in the eve-
ning I began the I2th. I was unable to do any-
thing there is a boil on my head and my feet
perspire. Is it from the honey? Aphanasi 887
and Maria Alexandrovna were here.

It is evening now. I am alone and horribly
sad. I have neither doubts nor hurts, but am sad
and want to cry. Oh, I must prepare myself
more, more, for the new appointment.

A letter from Grot ; 238 I ought to give him
" Concerning Art."

Thought only this :

In childhood, youth, the senses (sens) are very
definite, the limits are firm. The longer you live,
the more and more do these limits become wiped
out, the senses get dulled there is established
a different attitude towards the world.
Oct. 23. If I live.

Oct. 26. Y. P.

A very strange thing: It is the third day that
I cannot write. Am displeased with everything
that I have written. There is something new and
very important for Art, but I cannot express it
clearly in any way.

162



NOVEMBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

A letter from Vanderveer. It is now morn-
ing, will go to the post.

To-day Nov. 10. Y. P.

I have lived through much these two weeks.
The work is still the same ; I think I have finished
it. To-day I have written letters and among
them one to Grot to be set up in type. S was here,
she left for Moscow from Pirogovo, where we
went together. It was good there. Since I have
come home, my back has ached and in the evening
I have fever. Alexander Petrovich 239 is writing
in the house. . . .

To-day I wrote 9 letters. One letter to Khil-
kov, 240 remained. How terrible, his affair and
condition. Mikhail Novikov was here and also a
peasant-poet from Kazan.

Have been thinking:

1) The condition of people who are befogged
by a false religion is just the same as in blind-
man's-buff : they tie their eyes, then they take them
by their arms, and then they turn them around
and finally let them go. The same with every-
body. Without this they do not let them go.
(For The Appeal.)

2) The most usual judgment about Christian-
ity, especially among the new Nietzschean reason-
ers, is that Christianity is a renunciation of dignity,

163



The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

a weakness, a submissiveness. It is just the con-
trary. True Christianity demands above every-
thing else the highest consciousness of dignity, a
terrible strength and steadfastness. It is just the
contrary: The admirers of strength ought to
debase themselves before strength.

3 ) I walked in the village, and looked into the
windows. Everywhere there was poverty and
ignorance. And I thought of the former slav-
ery. Formerly, the cause was to be seen, the
chain which held them was to be seen; but now
it is not a chain in Europe they are hairs, but
they are just as many as those which held Gul-
liver. With us the ropes are still to be seen, well
let us say the twine ; and there there are hairs,
but they hold so tightly that the giant-people can-
not move.

.There is one salvation : not to lie down, not to
fall asleep. The deception is so strong and so
adroit that you often see that those very people
which it sucks and ruins, defend the vampires
with passion and attack those who are against
them. . . .
November n, Y. P. If I live.

November n, Y. P.

Since morning I have been writing Hadji
Murad and nothing has come of it. But it is
becoming clear in my head and I feel like writing

164



NOVEMBER] The Journal of Leo Tolstoi

very much. I wrote a letter to Khilkov and to
others, but I shall hardly send the one to Khilkov.
Maria Alexandrovna was here. My health is
entirely good.
November 12, Y. P. If I live.

November 12, Y. P.

To-day Peter Ossipov came : 241 " In our
place they have begun to sell indulgences." The
Vladimir-ikon was there and it was ordered
through the village elder, that the people be driven
to the Church. 242

N. found ore and considers it very natural
that people shall live under the ground, in
danger of their lives, and he will receive the
income.

. . . The most important thing is that I have
decided to write The Appeal; there is no time to
postpone it. To-day I corrected On Science. It
is evening now, have taken up two versions of
The Appeal, and am going to work on it.

Nov. 14, Y. P.

. . . One thing I want: To do what is better
before God. I don't know how yet. I slept
badly at night; bad thoughts, wicked ones. And
I am apathetic, no desire to work. Corrected the
preface On Science.

I made the following notes :
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The Journal of Leo Tolstoi [1897

1) I read of the behavior of the English in
Africa. It is all terrible. But the thought came
to my head: Perhaps it was unavoidably neces-
sary in order that enlightenment should penetrate
these peoples. At first I was absorbed in the
thought and it occurred to me that thus it had
to be done. What nonsense! Why should not
people, living a Christian life, go in simply like
Miklukha-Maklai, 243 live with them, but is it nec-
essary to trade, make drunkards of them, kill?
They say: " If people were to live as Christians,
they would have no work." Here is the work
and it is an enormous work: while the Gospels
are being preached to all creation.

2) Science, losing its religious basis, has begun
to study trifles in the main, it has ceased to
study important things. From that time on was
formed the theory of experimental science, Bacon.

3) I was thinking, pendant to Hadji Murad,



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