St. Tammany.

The Democratic gospel of peace, according to St. Tammany [pseud.] online

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Chapter I.

1. Now in these latter days there appeared unto
men a little book with a red cover, and it was in the
handwriting of a certain man who answered to the
name of St. Benjamin ; hut he was neither a saint, nor
had he the likeness of a saint, neither was he a Ben-
jamin; bat he was a son of Belial, and put in themouth
of another that which was of himself. And he was
an exceeding wicked man. But therein was he in
likeness unto those to whom he piped, and they who
danced were of a tribe called Eip-publicans, and they
were so-called because they were publicans and sin-
ners, and ripped the big^ parchment. And, ever since
that evil day, they seek to accuse others of the great
wickedness; and in this effort they are in their own
eyes Somepiinkins.

2. But to the record. — oSTow in the days of Wi^^^'
jvall Fill-upj there arose a little cloud, no bigger than
a man's hand; but it was exceedijig black, and indi-
cated fori^uncle Sam, Avith a good Constitution, a hard
blow. This AVind-wall Fill-up was a prophet of the
Ili-windites.. and of the Hubites who governed the
M.assa-shootits, the inhabitants of the country of
Massa-shootits which lies between Cape Cod and
Cannot-i-cut. And there were some good people in

3. ISTowthis little cloud no bigger than a man's hand
«ame out of the North, and Wind-wall Fill-up was its
prophet, whose shop was in the hub of the IJnion. — •
And he was like unto a worm in a nut.

4. This was one of the prophets to preach the new
Gospel without peace, and it was in this wise.

5. In the days of Washington, all the inhabitants
of the infant nation of Nuncle Sam, who desired it,

,OV-*C>e^e> ^A^

had the right to own property in persons then called
slaves, now called niggahs. The big parchment did
not say they should not.

6. And Wind-wall was just a man in his own sight,
and he walked uprightly before the niggahs.

7. But when he was not before the niggahs he was

8. And he loved oratory.

9. And Wind-wall said unto himself, I will elevate
myself upon the wings of oratory, and carr}^ the brand
of fan-at-it-sam to the very verge of destruction, for
this big parchment is a covenant with hell.

10. So Wind-wall Fill-up first loved himself, and
hated the hig parchment after.

11. Kow in the days of his success, he took unto him-
self as partners, Fed-ricks Dug-glass, Henry Wore
Breeches, G-ray-iiit Smith, and other workers in the
cause, and Ho-race Greedy, a certain philosopher who
usually sold the tickets.

12. And Hor-ace said unto Wind-wall, " Lo, there is
gold in the lecture business.

13. And the gold in those diggins is exceeding rich.

14. Now hearken unto me; thou art rich in the gift
of speech, and thy gas is of exceeding richness, and
doth but require the notice of the Tri-burn to cause
thee to become a burning and shining light. Now,
therefore, barken, thou unto me, and we will become
fellow workers in this cause of the niggah, and we
Avill divide the profits, as it doth become honest men
working for their own welfare.''

15. So they traded with their fellow men ; but divided
not the spoil with their friends, the niggahs.

16. So Wind-wall's walk was considerably to the
windward of the niggah.

17. And he went, and taking a Bible in his hand,

18. Said "Just as like as not, there is something in
it. And he read in Leviticus xxv. vs. 44 & 46.

19. and 20. "Ah!" said he "this doth sanction
slavery." And he was troubled. But he reasoned
with himself and said, " there is some mistake, in that
part of the Scripture; I did not see it before besides,
it is too late now. — Ilo-race and I have a race for the
niggah before us, which must be run.

22. And it isAvritten, that the race is not to the strong,
therefore we will take it easy, and the devil take the

23. Many days after this, it came to pass that Ho-
race discoverd that Wind-wall had read the Scriptures,
and had become a little weak in the backbone on the
great nigo-ah question. Therefore brought he Wind-
wall to judgment, and sentenced him to colored
church, on the next hot day, if he ever caved in on
the John Brown question.

24. And Wind-wall searched the Scriptures again,
and read in Deuteronomy, chap, xv, vs. 12. And
after reasoning with himself, said, " this doth not
apply to the heathen slave, it is a different statute."
And he was troubled, but said, " but we are working
a good work for the niggah, and we must declare
him free, and let him go."

25. And he struck hands with Ho-race, and it was
so from that day forth. And Wind-wall went out
from before Ho-race justified in his own wisdom.

Chapter II.

1. And it came to pass about this time, that the
great hang-high rooster, who answered to the name
of Henry Wore Breeches, sat at ease on his perch in
his great coop on the heights of Brooklyn, a city
acro'ss the river, and to the eastward of the great city,
the city of Gotham. And a great idol was he among
the chickens of that roost; and they were the chickens
of the covenant.

2. And the men of Breeches gave their men-singers
and their women-singers unto Henry Wore, and when
he did not preach, they sung unto their little niggah

3. Now the men of Breeches were men of dry
goods, and of boots, their trade extended unto the
uttermost I'imits of the retail department. And they

got great gain, and waxed fat from their diligence ;
therefore, they said, "why sit Ave here and see our
colored brethern of the South hewers of wood and
drawers of water unto the men of the South. Behold
those blessed niggahs disgracing themselves by being
contented and happy in bondage, instead of killing
their masters and becoming freemen, and lazy nig-
gahs. How pleasant would it be to take such freemen
by the hand, and make them governors in our stead.

4. Therefore they yielded up to Henry Wore all
their hopes, wishes, and desires, that he might blow
his horn nnto all nations, while they waited in their
coop to see what might turn up.

5. Now the men of the South, seeing aud hearing
what was being done by the men of Breeches, the
Gray-hit-tites and the Fed-rick-sites, and how that
they were become as grass hoppers in number, began
to think that their gospel was rather of Avar than of
peace to them.

6. And Henr3^"\Yore Breeches said within himself,
'' shall not I feed at the crib Avith Wind-Avall and Ho-
race, and wax fat in lectures, and become a man as
well as a rooster ? "

7. So he made his words as honey, that he might
make himself a friend unto them, and of certain men
of an Independent turn, who had joined themselves
unto Wind-AA^all & Co., and who called themselves Abo-
litionists. ^-

8. Kow Henry Wore desired to become one donkey
poAver by himself, and said, "the people of the earth
shall do my Avill, which shall be right in my OAvn eye."

9. And the chickens of the covenant Avere very
much elated at the expanded dimensions of the
Breeches, and they said one to the other,

10. Behold the necessity of an enlargement of the
field of action for our beloved Breo^'hes.

11. So they sent him across the great Avaters, nnto
the island that sitteth upon the sea.

Chapter 111.

1. Kow thebirth'of Xuncle Sam was in this wise

2. The people of the land Avere the same; like one
unto the other, being descended from ancestors like
unto themselves. And they had certain niggahs who
were held to service or labor. Now, the people occu-
2)ied certain provinces, held by governors of a certain
stiif-necked king beyond the sea, who taxed their tea
and stole their niggahs beyond endurance. And they
said, one to the other, " we will have no king, but
will unite our provinces and be one nation, and
appoint one from among ourselves who shall be our
ruler." And it was so. And the provinces were
united upon the conditions expressed in a big parch-

3. And the people in the several provinces were
free to do as they thought j^roper witiiin their own
province, but nothing contrarj^ to the big parchment.
And it was so.

4. And the people of every province had the right
to have and to hold the niggah slave. And the nation
was great, and held provinces called territories. —
And the big parchment gave powers to appoint gov-
ernors, and make laws and regulations to protect the
people going there with their property ; but not to
deprive them of any rights of property in their nig-
galis. There is no such thing in the big parchment.

5. Prosperity went hand in hand with the men of
Nuncle Sam, and they waxed fat. But there were
Abolitionist north of Massa Dixon's line, who would
lie, cheat, and get the best of the bargain generally;
talk against slavery; and not at all live up to the ten
commandments. But they were as yet a small trii)e.

6. And strangers aboroad heard of the thrift of the
inhabitants of the land, and came and dwelt therein.

7. And the tyrants and despots of other lands be-
came big jealous.

8. And there were tribes of kangaroos or niggahs
in the land of Nuncle Sam, whose hind legs exceeded
in length, their front legs, and they had lamb's wool


for hair; somcAvhat tawny in complexion; given to
carry their fore paws in their breeches pockets ; while
their heels were considerably thrust out backwards,
quite naturall3^ It was not generally supposed that
they were of the civet tribe ; consequently they made
good slaves, and the men of ISTuncle Sam bought and
sold them.

10. But the time for importing them expired, as the
big parchment said the people, through congress,
could prevent the importation after 1820, but not

11. But the men of the South still favored their in-
stitution of slavery, and said to the lazy kangaroos.
" if you do not work, you must be punished ; we
house, feed, and clothe 3^ou. And they said again to
the men of the North, "abide by the big parch-ment,
which says, a person held to service of labor, escap-
ing into another province, shall be delivered up."

12. And it was not a covenant between the JSTorth
and South merely, but was one of the conditions ex-
pressed in the big parchment, when there was no
North, no South.

13. And the good and true men North stuck to the
big parchment.

14. And the niggahs multiplied, and covered con-
siderable ground in the South, and their tracks may
be seen this day rather too thick on the earth works,
and on the banks of the big muddy. Itmaj' here be
remarked, that there is a slight variation in the gen-
eral features, and considerably more in the color of
some of the kangaroos — supposed to be caused by
migratory visits of certain tribes of drummers, inhab-
itants of the countries of Cannot-i-cut, and of Massa-
shoot-its. As a similar kangaroo freely roams in
those countries, picking up their living in various
ways, by hewing of wood, drawing of water, &c.

15. But there arose a meddlesome fan-at-its in the
North, who could not see the beam in tlieir own eye.
and who associated themselves with like spirits in
the countries beyond the sea, who denied that God
spake unto Moses on Mount Sinai.

16. And these men of Belial troubled the men of

the South, who said unto them, " would you, if you
were in our stead, desire to be so annoyed. Leave
us alone, for with us the holding of slaves is not op-
posed to christian principles. Leave us alone. Do
ye unto others as ye would have them do unto 3'ou "

16. Slavery through disuse had become objection-
able to most nations, and they wished to see it justly
abolished. But the big parchment gave no sanction
to deprive the men of the several provinces of any of
their rights, but it protected them.

17. Now the men of the South boasted of their chiv-
alry, perhaps, but as there was no particular romance
connected with it as in olden times, they limited the
exercise of it to the defence of their own honor, their
rights and their property. Therefore the chivalry
stank in the nostrils of the inhabitants of Cannot-i-cut,
and of the Massa-shoot-its,

18. And Avhen the men of the South discovered any
of the tribe of Drummers came into their land to dis-
tribute their Gospels without peace, they usually col-
lected them together and treated them to syrup of
pine, with feathers thrown in, and a gratuitous ride
on a -rail.

19. Now there was a mighty tribe belonging to
Nuncle Sam, who called themselves Democrats,
and they knew the men of the South were determined
in maintaining their rights of property. And they
opposed the Fan-at-its with all their strength ; for
these Fan-at-its had become as grasshopj^ers in
ivumbers, and they were a grievous and a wide awake

20. Now appeared in Gotham, Wind-wall Fill-up,
king of the Fan-at-its, and grand turkey of the kan-
garoos. And he taught wherever he was trusted for
the use of the tabernacles.

21. And AVind-wall had two thoughts : one was
for the nett receipts, and the other was for the
niggah. But the big parchment was to him a cove-
nant with hell.

22. Now about these days, the Dead Eabbits payed
him a visit at his tabernacle, and made an ojffering of
antique eggs. " For " said they, " you come here to


liatcli out pestilent doctrines." And they drove bim.

23. The Eip-publicans or Somepunkinites at this
time endeavored to turn away the wrath of the South,
bv saying tliat they intended to give that an-
tique relic of barbarism, slavery, its quietus, and
wanted the poor men of the South to lend a hand by
voting their platform.

24. And the poor men of the South felt very much
grieved that they could not see it; and they were
vexed bold and said, " we will buy and sell our kan-
garoos and take them too, to the terror-to-ri-oos." —
And from that day forth, the Know Nothing Knights
of the lantern, rushed round in the dark, seeking a
place to bump their heads against.

25. And the Somepunkinites said to the men of the
South, " Beloved brethren, we would live with you in
peace, yea! you can keep your kangaroos or nig-
gahs in your provinces if j^ou can, and we will not
molest them. Moreover, we grant you the privilege
of selling or killing and making flag-jacks of your
kangaroos or niggahs, which the Drummers begat in
your land, and those that are left may continue to be
bondmen and bondwomen for ever and a day after.
And the niggahs that flee from your provinces most
probably will be delivered up ; only take care they
do not run into the chicken coop of Henry Wore
Breeches. Ye shall in no wise take a niggah from
there. But you shall not permit your kangaroos to
accompany 3'ou into lands belonging to you, in the
territories of Nuncle Sam ; nary a niggah that is a
slave shall enter there; the big parchment to the con-
ti'ary notwithstanHing; Avhich, though it don't pro-
hibit it, ought to.

26. And the men of the South said •' the kangaroos
are the property of citzens of the great nation of
Nuncle Sam, and must be protected. And if the
Great Mogul of the kingdom of Harem Scarern gets
offended, because the citizens of Nuncle Sam hold
slaves, he must grin and bear it. But the power of
this nation should never be used to subvert private
and guaranteed rights. The big parchment does not


say, slaves shall not be taken into the territories."

27. And the men of the South saw that the men of
the North had drawn a bead on their kangaroos.

28. And it came to pass about these days, that a
certain man who answered to the name of Charles
Summon-her, received a summons on the posterior
bobs of his knowledge box, which had the unhappy
effect of depriving the world of an untold amount oi
erudite effusions, and poetic quotations for the space
of a whole year. This Avas the first stroke of the
negro on the brain. So Charles was reminded that
the under-ground route Aras not a very pleasant one
to travel, and declared that the men of the South
should not take their niggahs out of their own pro-

29. And after these days James the Sage ruled in
the land of jS" uncle Sam ; and he was the last of the
happy family.

Chapter TV.

1. But the evil days drew nigh, when James must
cease to rule the children of I^ uncle Sam, for they
had gone aside from the straight path.

2. And the Somepunkinites strove to have A-bah-
ram in his room.

3. And in those days the men of the South were
opposed to rams, and chose of themselves a man, and
said, " if the men of the North run their A-bah-ram
against us we are destroyed, but if our man be chosen,
we are again safe for four years and a day."

4. But the Somepunkinites said to the whole nation
of the North, "men and brethren, arise and put on
your armour and fight; for your enemy in the South
is as a toad in Egypt for strength; you will overcome
him, and you have but to tickle him under the fifth
rib with a penny bodkin, and he will be at your feet."


Yea, the stench of the carcass is already slightly
perceptible. And they did think that the men of the
South who were of their own blood, would submit

5. Moreover the Somcpunkinites knew not that
the men of the South thought so much of their rights
that they would risk the losing of their whole pro-
perty in maintaining them under the big parchment.

6. Scattered throughout tlie provinces of the North
were men of sympathy and of muscle, and they an-
swered to the name of Democrats, and they were a
mighty people of valor. But they were hated of the
Somcpunkinites because they respected the men of
the South, and coincided with them in their views
respecting the occupation of the territories, and were
in favour of every man attending to his own busi-
ness and letting his neighbour alone.

7. And it came to pass that A-bah-ram was chosen,
and when one told him, he stretched his legs and
said, " There is a little woman at our house that will
he glad to hear on it." And this was the first gos-
pel of peace preached by Press-i-dent A-bah-ram.

8. Now the men of the South began to bestir them-
selves, and there was a o-atherino; too-other of the
tribes, and they said, " We must roll up the big parch-
ment, for it is ripped, and build us a house to keep it
in, for this A-bah-ram seeketh to devour us.

9. And there was a man of the South called Ste-
vens, and he lifted up his voice, and told them to take
it easy, not to push too hard, not to squeeze the
big-parchment into limited quarters. But his was a
penny whistle in an earthquake; the quake came,
and he turned up, second lidcUe in the new Colum-

10. The fire-eaters Avho w^ere in the fore-front on
both sides,inflamed their passions with Helper book ^
and satiated their love of freedom with John Brown's
pikes. At last the fire-eaterrs werj laid to sleep with
soothing syrup, and the men of tie South went to
work with a will, and the men of the North were
not backward in coming forward to the work.

11. And the Small-punkins in the North had given


their ear to the winning cooings of the Somepunkin-
itee, who said, "The Democrats are an evil genera-
tion, for they rule the nation with a heavy yoke,
and place their screws upon you, and squeeze out of
you your substance, your silver, and your gold. They
entwine themselves into your affections that they
may get your vote and an office. And there, with
their taxes, they suck your life-blood, while they fan
you with their bills." And so were the Small-punk-
ins sold unto the Somepunkinites.

12. 'Now the Small-punkins and the Somepunkin-
ites thought when men offered or accepted compro-
mise they crawled around on all-fours, like a kanga-
roo or niggah with a stomach-ache.

13. But the Democrats said, "Let us compromise
with the men of the vSouth; they are our brothers;
compromise, if we can so use the term, by conceding
to them the right of taking their kangaroos into the
territories which we hold with them, and which they
have the right to do; grant them this, for this is
all they ask, and afterwards, when the ]3eople of
such territories desire to become a new province, let
them, by vote, determine whether the new province
shall be free or slave."

14. But there was no compromise, and the men of
the South put their shoulders to the wheel, and their
ears in their pocket, and would crush our A-bah-ram
under their Jug-of-nought.

15. And in' those days there was a man who an-
swered to the name of Can-i-die. And he was so
called because he was always trying to get his head
into the lion's mouth, but was never able to come
square up to his calling. And he was chief captain
of a superior order of blue-coats, and withal men of
buttons and staves. Now in Georgy resided a man
named Tombs, because there were bones in him.
And his spirit was restless, and he had an eye to the

16. And Can-i-die, seeking means to make away
with himself, found ^ms going off to Georgy, and
straightway he took them unto himself.

17. Then Tombs sent a letter unto Fernando, chief


of the Man-liat-ons. And the letter said, '• Why
keep ye the arms, give them up, for we intend to
give them to you at another time."

18. And Fernando, who was a lawyer as well as a
chief, lifted up his voice and said, " Can-i-die took
the guns, thinking thereby he did a big thing ; but
as your great war hath not begun, I cannot see ex-
actly my right in retaining them, but by and by
perhaps it will be different. Get ye your guns." And
it was so.

19. Now Fernando loved office, though therein
diff'ereth he not from many men. And he bowed
him unto the golden calf, but therein is he likened
unto many more than can be reckoned. For too
many seek wherewithal to mete unto themselves the
good things of this life. And at the same time he
had regard unto the men of the South, for they sought
but their own. And therein is he damned by the
Somepunkinites or Eip-publicans.

20. And the men of the South kept their shoulders
to the' wheel. And James the Sage, looking both
sides full in the face, trembled for the future welfare
of his country; for he saw that the Eip-publicans
prevailed, and that they were bound to rule and
ruin. And he raised his hand and said, " Peace, be
still, till I surrender the reins to A-bah-ram. If you
will not have a settlement, attempt not to force me
into any overt act. The flame may be smothered in
one place, but to break forth in an hundred other
places. I hold to the defensive. I am opposed to
all your party measures, for I conceive them to be
the primary cause next after those of your allies, the
abolitionists, of all our difficulties. But I hold to
the defensive in hopes, however delusive they may
ultimately prove, in hopes that my country may not
be divided. I hold to the defensive." His term ex-
pired, and the last of the happy family retired to the
acceptable shades of retirement.

21. And A-bah-ram ruled in his stead, and he was
a mighty man of jokes, and he was considerably
longer than he was broad, and he had captains to
do battle against the men of the South, and the men
of the South pushed his captains, and the thousands


under them, to the wall, and they did run, and the
banner Avas humbled.

22. And the men of the North Avhen they heard
of the discomfiture, took to the military business in
great earnestness and zeal.

23. Kow all right-thinking men had great rever-
ence and love for the big-parchment, for under it the
nation had grown and spread itself as the bay-tree,
so that no other nation but felt the shadow of its
wnngs. Wooden clocks and wooden nutmegs from
Cannot-i 3ut had penetrated to the remotest coun-
tries. The boots and shoes of Massa-slioots-it had
not only embraced the hind feet of the Southern
kangaroo or niggahs, but they had made themselves
felt^upon the e'xtremities of the inhabitants of the
most distant climes. The red-flannel shirts of all
Noo-Ingland had covered the nakedness of the
smallest kangaroo on the coast of Africa, while the
poor white man at its own doors did not wear that
material but contented himself with shoddy. So we
see that the products of the industry of the northern

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