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SJ .-i-^i





THE UNIVERSITY

OF ILLINOIS

LIBRARY

e




JOS. KUHN & CO.



YOU'LL BE GLAD OF



If vou make it a point to get clothes of the hest quahty. You'll
find that it's the (|ualit_v that saves money for you, more than a low
price.

Hart Schffner & Marx, Society Brand

Griffon and Clothcraft

Clothes

cost no more than clothes of such (juality should cost. You'll find
these clothes "cheaper to wear" in the long run because they last
longer an dloo kbetter than clothes which are only "cheap to buy."

Nnv Fall and Winter Styles Mow on Display
Central Illinois' Greatest Store ior Men's Wear




33-35-37 Main St.



Champaign






A downtown bank account
will be a convenience for
vou. We welcome your

business.



The Urbana Banking
Company

STRAUCH PHOTO-CRAFT
HOUSE



Photo Finishing Specialists

Pictures and Framing
Fountain Pens and Stationery



The Art and Gift Shop

625 South Wright Street
Adjoining Campus



THE ONCE OVER
WHEN I was coming back
TO SCHOOL this time
THE TRAIN was
QUITE CROWDED
BUT I managed
TO GET a seat finally
WITH A little fellow
WHO WORE one of those
ANTIQUE COLLARS
AND RIGHT across from us
WAS A fat lady
WHO HAD seven children
AND THE little fellow and I
STARTED A conversation
THAT IN due time
REACHED THE subject
OF MATRIMONY
AND WE agreed perfectly
THAT IT was foolish
FOR A man
TO GET married
AND I used the
THE FAT LADY across
THE W^\Y as
A HORRIBLE example
OF MATRIMONIAL misbliss
AND I told him
THAT I bet her husband
LED A dog's life of it
VXD HE agreed with me
AND I said
WHEN I wanted
TO GO any place
ALL I wanted
TO PACK was a suitcase
AND HE said,
"ME TOO."
AND I said
THAT THE fellow
WHO CONTEMPLATED marriage
SHOULD CONSULT an alienist
AND HE said,
"YOU BET,"
AND BY that time '
WE HAD

JUST ABOUT reached Champaign
AND AS I got up
TO LEAVE

THE FAT LADY across the way
SHIVIED AN orange
ACROSS THE aisle
TO THE little fellow
"JOHN! JOHN! JOHN!
PEEL THIS for the baby."

— G. F. L.
1



WELCOME



The new as well as the old
Students — to the oldest and
most reliable Jewelry Store
in Champaign — you are in-
vited — The better quality of
goods in gold and silver are
found here.



Wuesteman

JEWELER
'Hallmark Store" Champaign



For Your Drinks
Get



ACCUSTOMED TO
COMING TO




dONFBGTIONBRY



NO. 9 MAIN ST.



CHOCOLATE "MALTS" AND BOS-
TONS OUR SPECIALTIES






Welcome to the

UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS

Everything is in readiness for you at this big University Supply Store on
the square.

Our salesforce can tell you exactly what you need in supplies. You'll get the
most trustworthy advice by men who know.

Make our store your headquarters while attending the University. If we can
be of service to you in any way, we are only tooi glad to do so.

THE CO-OP STORE

Tlie Students' Store — On the Square



I've never met an old soubrette
A tempting, pretty suffragette.

Nor have I see a catfish drinking booze.
But I would give my motor car,
And take my chances as they are.

If I could press two lips and not taste rouge.



"My dear," she remarked to the one with the tortoise-
shell glasses, "I don't believe in kissing a man unless I'm
engaged to him."

"Hmmmni," replied she of the t. s. g., "What a quan-
tity of rings you must have."



TOGS

Tailored Individually

—and—

Ready-To-Wear

Meet us Head of Main St.

CHAMPAIGN

COOK BROS.



CANDYLAND

CONFECTIONER Y



DOWN TOWN



For your ice cream sodas, sundaes and
fancy dishes, etc. Home-made candy
fresh every day.



When you are down town, come in, you will be treated
right, and don't forget that we make Frappes for clubs,
parties and dances. See us before you order.



«



''HELLO
BOYS"



The Arcade Barbers are also
gjad to return



Geo, G. Brown



GEE. AIN'T IT AWFUL?
She was some woman.
\\'e watched her
_ -Rolls-Royce up to the curb.
With scarcely a flutter, and
Saw the blue-clad flunkies hop
To her side with
Service written in every
Step. The footman
Assisted the queen to alight.
And she swung down with
A grace that disturbed not
A tassel

On Fido's tricolette.
We followed her majestic approach
To the entrance of the
Bon-Bon Shoppe, thinlving
All the time of when knighthood
Was in flower, when
She suddenly turned for
Just one last word
To her chauffeur —
"Say, Steve,
Have you saw
Fido's blanket?"



Bid wells'
Peanuts
Best in to\vn



'Nuf Sed



504 E. Green St.



New Brogues for
Men



Scotch Grain
Nonvegian Calf
Cordovan
Boarded Cordovan



NETTLETON'S

EDWIN CLAPP'S

JOHNSON & MURPHY

Three of the Highest Grade Lines of Men's Shoes

Snyder & Snyder

504 E. Green St. ( Woody 's Place)



We Supply Ice
Cream

For church festivals, fairs, banquets and other large gath-
erings where food refreshments are served. We guarantee
prompt deliveries of the best ice cream made under strictest
sanitary conditions and shall be pleased to arrange with
committees and others for supplying this best of all re-
freshments and desserts.






\



f~f



^^f4,



Champaign Ice Cream Co.



Bell 175



115-117 E. University



Auto 2107



yi^^



T. M. Bacon & Sons

Wall Paper, Paints, Glass

Corner Walnut and Taylor Streets



^^1^
^#^



THE FIRST VACATION
Glad I was when rolling northward
On the old Illini Central
To the blessed Breezy City
Where the elevateds rumble.

On the Boul Mich all the women
Looked like twice a million dollars.
I gazed pop-eyed at their beauty,
Guess they're co-eds from Northwestern.

What relief from Ec and Logic
Is this brilliant Peacock Alley!
And I yellowed homeward, wond'ring
Why I ever left Chicago.

On the south-bound train for John street.
Soon my nose will graze the grindstone.
Writing checks and buying malteds,
Hoping that I'll pass Accounting.

SERGEANT TAKE HIS NAME

Sergeant (At recruiting office, to prospective re-
cruit) : What's your name?

Prospective Recruit: I. Lehigh Low.

Sergeant : Stop your yodeling and answer nie !



Announcements ?

Programs ?

Stationery ?

Placards?

Dope Sheets?

Loose Leaf Note Books?
Carbon Paper?

Typewriter Ribbons?

Fountain Pen & Writing Ink ?

The Answer

Geo. D. Louden Printing Co.





Jimmy, I could really learn to lone ^ou if you Wore a
collar as viell as Stubhy Bates.

Well turned out, isn't he? Crank on dress -always wears
Lion collars and a gre}) hat.

I'm not so fussy about the hat, hut fimmy, do hurry and
get in Lion



Billiards

Bowling

Tobacco

Smokers
Supplies



Arcade Billiard
Parlor



'Clean Sport for Regular
Fellows',



Barber Shop-
Two Barbers-
Barber Supplies-

7 A. M. to 8 P. M.
SATURDAY 7 A. M. to 11 P. M.

J. Y. ROSE

One Block East of Chem Building



THAT FATAL WORD
I went to see a doctor today.
What did he say?
No.



GOWNS $150 PER
"Man wife wants Httle here below,'

The poet sang with fire ;
There's only one coniment to make,

That poet is a liar.



EVOLUTION
Whiskey.

Whiskey and soda.
And soda.
Soda-



BROTHERHOOD
The other day Bill
Who is my fra-
Ternity brother
Came to me
And said, "Jhn,
Lend me your pin
For a day or two."
So I gave it
To him.

You know that

Swell girl of

Mine up there

In Chicago

Whom I brought

Down for the

Junior Prom ?

Well, this morning

I received a

Letter from her

Which commences

"Owfully happy !

Won't you congratulate me

Because now I'm

Wearing Bill's

Pin."

********

Darn him !



FAMOUS O'S
O Henry
O Min
O hell.



BOY— TI-IE MOP
At 10,000 feel.

Flew Howard Key.
The propeller dropped-

So did he-

6



SODAS



LUNCHES



Box Candy



Banquet



Candy



Home
Made"
Candies



Frappes
and
Punches

Mosi-Over

FOR MORE

on Green Street

To Be Sure



8 Main St., Champaign


Gar. 1I2I, Main i


Smith & Picard




{Successors lo Dallcnbach llros.)





PORK PACKERS




Home killed Meats and Poultry


Lard


front the Farm to Yon Direct




Special Prices to Sororities, Fraternities and Clubs




Jl'liolcsale


Retail



THE WIDOW'S UNDERSTANDING
The lawyer scanned the document

And figured every single cent ;
Then turned, and, "Widow Brown," sez he,

"You have a nice fat legacy."



The widow blushed and turned her head,
Of what remains, lei this be said.

She (as a lady, like as not)

Discharged her lawyer on the spot.



WE'RE GLAD TO SEE
YOU BACK.



FACULTY AND
STUDENTS



GET ACQUAINTED WITH CHAMPAIGN'S
GREATEST STORE FOR MEN



J.IVI.IV^DCOMPANY




The Siren's Friend



He has a strange form of address-
The poor fellow stutters, I guess ;
I asked, "Where shall I go
"To buy most for my dough?"
And he smilingly said, "S-S-S."



STUDENT QUPPLY



((



GREEN STREET
Chuck" Baily —Managers— "Shelby/ Hines



The Student's Friend



A happy bunch are we
SERVING you, with glee

We help you out just fine
SAVING you steps, money and time

And our patrons are indeed
SATISFIED of all their needs.



We supply to your liking
Books, novelties and paper writing

We help you to select
Pens and Leather goods correct

We suit all your moods
With Music, Fiction and Kodak goods.





Bertie, '22, meets up with Ham, '22 also, after a long hot summer away from
college. They are certainlj- glad to see each other. They say so, in fact. The
fact that they both desire the chairmanship of the Prom committee this year makes
the reunion all the more touching. Ham is wondering how a bird with a face like
Bertie's can hope for honor and position in this life, and Bertie, hard agrip of
Ham's moist mitt, is stifling a sob of pity for the other's glaring deficiencies. The
moment is a pregnant one.




While we are for democracy
And detest aristocracy,

We know that there's a place for everything.
For instance in that hand last night
To make the circumstances right,

We could have stood the presence of a King.



Observe, my child, how debonaire.
These students are ; how free from care.
Observe with what fell looks they scorch
Who chanceth by the sister's porch.
Their pinky hands, their pretty feet
Proclaim that they arc the elite.
Oh, emulate, my dear .their ways,
So that you too, in all your days.
May not with knife insult your pie
And ever rightly knot your tie.
And in your jolly junior year
Be a veranda buccaneer.




'21 : I see the Chewa Hunks are
rushing you ; are congratulations in
order?

'24 : Dunno. They haven't paid
for their new house yet and the
hard-wood floors are immense.



A little vamp, a low turned lamp,
A, heart filled high with hope ;

A wisp of hair, a shoulder bare.
All is such deadly dope.




Edit. Note : The presence of
this Champaign copper is to us in-
explicable. The art editor says he
is put here to keep the roller skating
dame on page 19 from getting on
a skate. Take that explanation if
you want to- If she can get on one
of those things take her address.



10



A BONEYARD ANTHOLOGY



THE DIARY OF SAMUEL PEPLESS




1WAS Aloysius.
Don't j'ou remember me? The guy with the brief-
case, the

Cigar holder,

And the sour look. Over and above

Everything else on earth I worshipped learning.

The penurious and bescoffed Professors were my gods,

And I the apple of their dim old eyes.

They j)redicted great things of me.

After I (and my PBK Key) graduated I

Met

A girl with sky-blue eyes and ambitions.

She worked in a bakery. And

Now —

I work in the bakery too.



"I WONDER IF HE'LL MISS ME," sang the
young lady with the cracked voice. And from the bal-
cony came the answer, "If he does he ought never be
trusted with a gtm."



Being the chronicle of the return of a wanderer and
his joys at the return — eke his sorrows.

Monday— Ho ! Hum. Up and at the game of buck-
ing the tomes once more, tho i 'sooth I'd rather again be
battering the one speed mill for my friend's swift "Spec-
tator." To the halls of learning in hopes to sign for the
nine months 'battle, but home again when I found hun-
dreds of the early birds there afore and a new system of
registration that puzzles me sorely.

Tuesday — Roused by the spouse the morn to do battle
with the hordes- Signed for courses after some hours
milling with the yokelry already in line — then to do it all
over again for the want of sufficient data. Made mine
tenth round of the buildings at 5 o' the clock when I had
gotten blue cards instead of lavendar, and finished —
thence to hay.

Wednesday — Given time ; having registered accord-
ing to the new system devised by certain learned heads
among the faculty, did stop, cogitate and ponder at length
on the system of registering alphabetically as promulgated,
and 'sooth did wonder how I had ever done it. For the
time I was much in the position ofone Celestial of my
acquaintance whose name is spelled in laundry slip mon-
osylables and who opined he thought he was supposed
to register sometime Sunday week.

Thursday — Saw several notables about the walks this
day and remembered the nick-cognomen of a lady friend
of the summer called such ones "Hollyhocks," which, if I
remember right is a tall, more or less statuesquely beau-
tiful flower that no one ever picks. Some of the men of
the by-ways still part their hair in the middle and smoke
Milos. Bobbed hair seems less popular this year — which
gives us a throb for the girls who bobbed it in ye last
epoc and it hasn't grown out again. Ah ! Fashion, what
crimes are committed in thy name.

Saturday — That practice known as "rushing" seems
flourishing, withal the high cost of malts should prohibit
some of the wild spending. Saw two brethren of a well
known menage looking over the stock of black jacks and
purchasing chloroform and am much puzzled as to the
meaning.

Sunday — The election being over, did hear two up-
starts conversing on Henry Ford and protesting much
that he does not drive a perambulator of his own make
but chooses a foreign car. and it is another source of won-
der to me, why they rant — don't many foreigners drive
Ford cars? In truth, 'tis so. S. P.



11



R. E n




She stood before her mirror
With her eyes closed very tight,

And tried to see just how she looked
When fast asleep at night.



MOTHER GOOSE (REVISED)
"Where are you going, my pretty lad?"

He thought for a moment, then thrilled,
"For one on the end of this bob— tailed flush,"

And (much to our sorrow) he filled.



SOUR GRAPES
No matter what your talents are
If you but own a motycar
You're certain to be popular.



AH ! LA SNAPPY STORIES !

It was for the most indififerent of the young men that
her heart yearned ;it was the caress of Douglas, who
brushed by her with hardly a word, that she craved.

Tonoght she would put him to the test.

She walked slowly to a huge arm chair that faced the
door, and, settling herself comfortably in it, awaited his
coming. An occasional shiver of misgiving shook her
slim form as she thought of his arrival. She rested her
5oft white face on the arm of the chair and closed her
eyes.

Suddenly the door opened, her body grew tense with
eagerness. Douglas entered, and stopped short as he saw
her. A flush of anger reddened his face, then as her large
brown eyes sought his, pleading for his love, the anger re-
ceded. He laughed good-naturedly.

"You here, Betty?" he said.

She wagged her tail and barked happily.



The artist has featured in many a joke.

We laugh at his hair and his tie.
The jokester is always delighted to poke

Lots of fun at the cuss on the sly.

But the poet who said, "He laughs best who laughs
last,"
Must have thought of the painter, 'tis clear.
For he is the only one (since some time past)
Who can still draw a small glass of beer.



■Two maids proclaimed their love for me,

I spurned one, then the other.
I told them, tho, that I would be

To each of them a brother.
And now I love, but I love in vain,

(Dame Fortune is a twister) ;
My idol pauses to explain.

She'll be — to me — a sister.



Don't waste a present on a woman with a past.
Prof: (after long winded proof) "And so, we find
that X equals O."

Sleepy Stude : "Hell, all that work for nothing?"




"IF THE STATEMENT of the prohibition gentle-
man that a man's life is shortened 25 minutes for every
pint of whisky consumed is true," said Raoul Harvey the
other evening, "and 15 minutes for every quart of beer,
then Steve Dilloughby, with whom I have been associated
for the last twenty years, should have been dead
seven years, three months and nineteen days, according to
my most careful calculations."



12



PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN'S
FUTURE!

500 FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS 500

(in trade)
will be paid by

THE SIREN

to the estate of any person who is
FOUND DEAD with a copy of the cur-
rent issuse of

THE SIREN
in his pocket, sock, reticule, or carpet bag.

Play safe. Never be without the newest
SIREN. —Adv.





The Absolute Student : Dear nie, w-hat's wrong now ?

The Relative Cat : You'll have to quit chewing, Mas-
ter. Every time I chase a mouse into the cuspidor I fail
to get him out alive.



The Soviet Comrade : What a
curious tov ! What is it for ?



MEMORIES OF AN AMBASSADOR

With solemn step the King approached the throne.
All the vast assembled court did reverence on bended
knee, whilst the Royal Band struck up "Rosy O'Grady"
on his cornet. Even the jester, ordinarily an obscene
Wight, was silent with awe; he even slept at times.

For this was the ceremony of the Royal Footbath,
the which is observed once each year in that far land. A
golden scuttle of luke-wann suds was held in readiness
by the King's own nephew, little Prince Ug. Fresh and
snowy towels hung upon the Royal Towel Rack.

Suddenly a gasp of irritation escaped the Imperial
Housecop. The King had stumbled ! Indeed, he had
nearly fallen ! .\n unregarded foot or so of lead pipe,
carelessly left about by the Royal Yegg, had done the
trick !

The moment was horrible.

But the littlest concubine, being of nimble wit — she
was the seventh daughter of a rhetorician — leaped madly
toward the tottering King and cried :

"Your Majesty, how did you enjoy your trip?"



IS




Ig : Whuzamatter ?

Finheini: Zmatter? Oi — the ninth goil she says to the tenth goil,
she says, "Meet Mister Moiphy," she says. And you shou ask nie whuz-
matter !



14



How times do change!



■\ year ago



I'd have been strange

To yon. I know ;
Yon knew nie best behind a plow —
(I wonder who's with Fiti now.)



We nnderstand that a Chicago
cash girl, upon being asked if she
intended to see the spectacle "Aph-
rodite" responded, "My Lands,
Mag. me spend eleven rocks to see
that and me with a full length mir-
ror in mv bath-room?"



The state election being over, one
faction might be said to have issued
the offiical communique, "The Ger-
mans have made advances in cer-
tain sectors and are in control of
several prominent cities."



,^^ffi^\,




Expect to graduate this year ?

Yes. All I have to do to graduate is to keep sober, and pass sixty
hours above C.

Can you do that and keep sober ?

MAYBE HE WAS A SCOUT FROM THE ANHEU-
SER-BUSCH LEAGUE

"B. Weiser from the eastern part of the county was
here looking around last week." — Leachville Star.




OLD PROVERBS REVIVED

The work of man is from sun to sun.
But a woman's work is 'til half past one —
And then she goes to the movies.



HEARD AT THE NON-PARTISAN LEAGUE

Felis : And you were actually egged ?
Taurus : Egged ? My dear, it was merely to stick
out one's tongue to partake of omelette.



'Tis an ill wind



OUR CHILD'S PRIMER

Today, dears, we take up the subject of slips. There
are many kinds of slips, for instance the one between the
cup and the lip (ahho they are scarce today), verbal slips,
the reading slip, just slips and Princess slips.

The other day a fair co-ed, tripping blithely across
the campus trilled to a student, "Hey, Bob, have you got
my slip?" She referred to the reading slip, I assure you.
Of course she was guilty of a slip when she slipped that
one over on him.

Turn in your reading slips next time and be careful,
don't slip as you ga out the dooi .



15



©he





nn

G. V. Buchanan, Jr., '22 (ex-'19) Editor

Robert F. Lovett, '21 Business Manager

T. P. Bourland, '23 Art Editor

THE STAFF
Editorial

Paul Leach, '23 T. P. Bourland, '23

Justine Pritchard, '22

Art

C. W. Baughman Martha Pyke "^^^ ^ ^^^aii>

Business

Lyle C. Brown, '22 E. E. Foster, '23

H. S. Haworth, '22 C. L. Kirk, '23 C. M. Kretchmer, '22

G. R. Stage, '22 F. Gilmore, '23

Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as
second-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, III. under Act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication,
Illini Publishing Company. Subscriptions $1.^,0 the year local; $1.75 by mail. Per copy, 20 cents.




BACK asain.
We seem to hear the ghost of an old-time Scout re-
minding us that we are "back to the malteds and logic. . . •
and cheek-to-cheek dancing. . . ."

The prospect is good for another huge year. We are
all remarkably cheerful and enthusiastic, in spite of pros-
pective creditors looming in the offing, calculus, the un-
relieved date-famine, and the high cost of chop suey.

We get a great deal of satisfaction out of knowing
that we are at one of the greatest schools in the country.
The fame of Illinois is spreading every year and no one
need tell us that Illinois is, a great I'il old school. We're
all back here because we know.

Of course there are a few thousand here who were
never here before ; to them, greetings. There might well
be graven on the lintels of some future University build-
ing "The wealth of Illinois is in her freshmen, and her
strength lies in their intelligent development."

Anyway, we're back. One more year will roll by,
a year of charming inconsistencies and hard work.



Some of the south campus aesthetic dancers remind
one of a poor photograph — underdeveloped and over-
exposed.



A woman smoking a ciragrette is like a dog walking
on its hind legs. It's not done well but you're surprised to
find it done at all.



IT has been the custom in other vears to hand Urbana
the gilded razzberry. The Scout, the Illio, and the Old
Girl herself have ofttime hung the hooks in Urbana's
municipal pride- "The only cemetery in America with
electric lights," with variations, has been the theme of
many a writer's outburst of idle moments.

This would infer that Champaign were by contrast
pulsating with life, athrob (that's a good word, athrob)
with vitality, and of a metropoHtan trend. But we of the
great Outside World who have managed to stay in school
as long as this, — why, we know better, that's all.

We do not propose that everybody lay off Urbana,
because one gets used to that talk about her. Next after the
weather and prohibition the obvious line is to razz Urbana.
But why this unfair distinction? There are many of us
who actually prefer Urban's shady streets to the no doubt
superior atractions of student life in the larger village.

This, to us, is not the least of the problems born of
the fact that we find two towns where only one town
ought to be. If the number of cracks at a country town
is in inverse proportion to the population, then acording
to Matth. 114 and the census. Champaign deserves at least
two jibes to Urbana's three.

We hope that scribblers and professional kidders
will remember that the brick sidewalks and the Oregon
street car are common features of the Twin Cities. We
should be reasonably just.



16



T. M IB. •• 3 I R. B



^^{:m



□HL-



Kiri.lXG once wrote something about the incompati-
liility of Hast and West and woimd it up by remark-
ing what a combination it was when two strong men signed
articles of agreement and all that sort of thing.

Kipling was right. But he should have pursued the
subject farther. Why limit it to males? There is a suf-
frage amendment to the constitution that should allow the
women to have a voice in other things beside politics.

So many twosomes have become proverbial concern-
ing only men such for instance as "when Greek meets
Greek." In the case of it being men the meeting resulted
in a tug of war or a business partnership. No one has
even ventured to express an opinion as to the outcome
had it been two women — taking down their hair.

More reputations have been made and lost between
the unloosening of the first hairpin and the last of the
fifty strokes required to maintain the permaennt wave
than there are "Mc's" in Ireland.

A woman can no more resist the impulse to confide


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