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sidges I make myself mighty asy about them; but if
you want to know how I dispose ov them," says he,



14



FATHER TOM AND THE POPE

"just repate one ov them, and I'll show you how to
catapomphericate it in two shakes."

"Why, then," says the Pope, "myself disremimbers
the particlar passidges they allidge out ov them ould
felleys," says he, "though sure enough they're more
numerous nor edifying, — so we'll jist suppose that a
heretic was to find sich a saying as this in Austin,
'Every sensible man knows that thransubstantiation is
a lie,' or this out of Tertullian or Plutarch, 'the
bishop ov Rome is a common imposther,' — now tell
me, could you answer him?"

"As easy as kiss," says his Riv'rence. "In the first,
we're to understand that the exprission, 'Every sinsible
man,' signifies simply, 'every man that judges by his
nath'ral sinses': and we all know that nobody follying
them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery
that's in it, if somebody didn't come in to his assistance
wid an eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be de-
pended on, being the sinse ov the Church. So that,
regarding the first quotation which your Holiness has
supposed, it makes clane for us, and tee-totally agin the
heretics."

"That's the explanation sure enough," says his Holi-
ness; 'and now what div you say to my being a com-
mon imposther?"

"Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, '"wid all submis-
sion to the better judgment ov the learned father that
your Holiness has quoted, he'd have been a thrifle
nearer the thruth if he had said that the bishop ov
Rome is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that
line over us all."

"What do you mane?" says the Pope, getting quite
red in the face.

"What would I mane," says his Riv'rence, as com-
posed as a docther ov physic, "but that your Holiness
is at the head ov all them. — troth I had a'most forgot

15



COMEDY

I wasn't a bishop myself," says he, the deludher was
going to say, as the head of all us, "that has the gift
ov laying on hands. For sure," says he, "imposther and
imposithir is all one, so you're only to undherstand ma-
ntmm, and the job is done. Auvuich!" says he, "if any
heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that agin
me, I'd soon give him a p'lite art ov cutting a stick to
welt his own back wid."

" 'Pon my apostolical word," says the Pope, "you've
cleared up them two pints in a most satiswhactery man-
ner."

"You see," says his Riv'rence, — by this time they wor
mixing their third tumbler, — "the writings of them
Fathers is to be thrated wid great veneration; and it
'ud be the height ov presumption in any one to sit down
to interpret them widout providing himself wid a gen-
teel assortment ov the best figures of rhetoric, sich as
mettonymy, hyperbol, cattychraysis, prolipsis, mettylip-
sis , superbaton, pollysyndreton, hustheronprotheron,
prosodypeia and the like, in ordher that he may never
be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when he comes
to their high-flown passidges. For unless we thrate
them Fathers liberally to a handsome allowance ov
thropes and figures they'd set up heresy at onct, so
they would."

"It's thru for you," says the Pope; "the figures ov
spache is the pillars ov the Church."

"Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I dunna what we'd do
widout them at all."

"Which one do you prefir?" says the Pope; "that
is," says he, "which figure of spache do you find most
usefullest when you're hard set?"

"Metaphour's very good," says his Riv'rence, "and
so's mettonymy,— and I 've known prosodypeia stand
to me at a pinch mighty well, — but for a constancy, su-
perbaton's the figure for my money. Devil be in me,"

i6



FATHER TOM AND THE POPE

says he, " but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse
'd throt wid only a good stick ov superbaton."

"Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need
to have it backed, I judge, wid a small piece of assur-
ance."

"Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rencc,
"I'll prove it widout aither one or other. Black," says
he, "is one thing and white is another thing. You
don't conthravene that? But everything is aither one
thing or another thing; I defy the Apostle Paul to get
over that dilemma. Well! If anything be one thing,
well and good; but if it be another thing, then it's plain
it isn't both things, and so can't be two things, — no-
body can deny that. But what can't be two things
must be one thing, — Ergo, whether it's one thing or
another thing it's all one. But black is one thing and
white is another thing, — Ergo, black and white is all
one. Quod erat dcmonsthrandum."

"Stop a bit," says the Pope, "I can't althegither give
in to your second miner — no — your second major,"
says he, and he stopped. "Faix, then," says he, get-
ing confused, "I don't rightly remimber where it was
exactly that I thought I seen the flaw in your prem-
ises. Howsomdiver," says he, "I don't deny that it's
a good conclusion, and one that 'ud be ov materil ser-
vice to the Church if it was dhrawn wid a little more
distinctiveness."

"I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's
face, by superbaton," says his Riv'rence. "My adver-
sary says, black is not another color, that is white?
Now that's jist a parallel passidge wid the one out ov
Tartulion that me and Hayes smashed the heretics on
in Clarendon Sthreet. 'This is my body, that is, the
figure ov my body.' That's a superbaton, and we
showed that it ought n't to be read that way at all, but
this way, 'This figure of my body is my body.' Jist so

Vol. 18—2 17



COMEDY

wid my adversary's proposition, it mustn't be undher-
stood the way it reads, by no manner of manes; but it's
to be taken this way, — 'Black, that is, white, is not
another color,' — green, if you like, or orange, by dad,
for anything I care, for my case is proved. 'Black,'
that is, 'white,' lave out the 'that,' by sinnalayphy, and
you have the orthodox conclusion, 'Black is white,'
or by convarsion, 'White is black.' "

"It's as clear as mud," says the Pope.

"Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I'm in great humor
for disputin' to-night. I wisht your Holiness was a
heretic jist for two minutes," says he, "till you'd see
the flaking I'd give you!"

"Well, then, for the fun o' the thing suppose me
my namesake, if you like," says the Pope, laughing,
"though, by Jayminy," says he, "he's not one that I
take much pride out ov."

"Very good, — devil a bitther joke ever I had," says
his Riv'rence. "Come, then, Misther Pope," says he,
"hould up that purty face ov yours, and answer me this
question. Which 'ud be the biggest lie, if I said I seen
a turkey-cock lying on the broad ov his back, and pick-
ing the stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say that I
seen a gandher in the same intherrestin' posture, ray-
creating himself wid similar asthronomical experi-
ments? Answer me that, you ould swaddler?" says he.

"How durst you call me a swaddler, sir?" says the
Pope, forgetting, the dear man, the part that he was
acting.

"Don't think to bully me!" says his Riv'rence. "I
always daar to spake the truth, and it's well known that
you're nothing but a swaddling ould sent ov a saint,"
says he, never letting on to persave that his Holiness
had forgot what they were agreed on.

"By all that's good," says the Pope, "I often hard
ov the imperance ov you Irish afore," says he, "but

18



FATHER TOM AND THE POPE

I never expected to be called a saint in my own house,
either by Irishman or Hottentot. I'll till you what,
Misther Maguire," says he, "if you can't keep a civil
tongue in your head, you had betther be walking off
wid yourself; for I beg lave to give you to undherstand,
that it won't be for the good ov your health if you call
me by sich an outprobrious epithet again," says he.

"O, indeed! then things is come to a purty pass,"
says his Riv'rence, (the dear funny soul that he ever
was!) "when the like ov you compares one of the
Maguires ov Tempo wid a wild Ingine! Why, man
alive, the Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh three
thousand years afore your grandfather, that was the
first ov your breed that ever wore shoes and stock-
ings" (I'm bound to say, in justice to the poor Prode-
san, that this was all spoken by his Riv'rence by way
of a figure ov spache) "was sint his Majesty's arrand
to cultivate the friendship of Prince Lee Boo in Botte-
ney Bay! O, Bryan dear," says he, letting on to cry,
"if you were alive to hear a boddagh Sassenagh like
this casting up his counthry to me ov the name ov
Maguire."

"In the name ov God," says the Pope, very solemni-
ously, "what is the maning ov all this at all at all?"
says he.

"Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to him across
the table, — "sure, you know we're acting a conthra-
warsy, and you tuck the part ov the Prodesan cham-
pion. You wouldn't be angry wid me, I'm sure, for
sarving out the heretic to best ov my ability."

"O begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the good-
natured ould crethur; "sure enough, you were only
taking your part as a good Milesian Catholic ought
agin the heretic Sassenagh. Well," says he, "fire
away now, and I'll put up wid as many conthroversial
compliments as you plase to pay me."

19



COMEDY

"Well, then, answer me my question, you santimo-
nious ould dandy," says his Riv'rence.

"In troth, then," says the Pope, "I dunna which
'ud be the biggest lie, to my mind," says he; "the one
nppears to be about as big a bounce as the other."

"Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his Riv'rence,
"don't you persave that forbye the advantage the gan-
dher 'ud have in the length ov his neck, it 'ud be next
to empossible for the turkey-cock lying thataway to see
what he was about, by rason ov his djollars and other
accouthrements hanging back over his eyes? The one
about as big a bounce as the other! O you misfortu-
nate crethur! if you had ever larned your A B C in the-
ology, you'd have known that there's a differ betuxt
them two lies so great, that, begad, I wouldn't wondher
if it 'ud make a balance ov five years in purgathory to
the sowl that 'ud be in it. Ay, and if it wasn't that
the Church is too liberal entirely, so she is, it 'ud cost
his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to have
him out as soon as the other. Get along, man, and
take half a year at dogmatical theology: go and read
your Dens, you poor dunce, you!"

"Raaly," says the Pope, "you're making the here-
tic shoes too hot to hould me. I wundher how the
Prodesans can stand afore you at all."

"Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence,
"don't think to back out ov your challenge now,"
says he, "but come to the scratch like a man, if you are
a man, and answer me my question. What's the rason,
now, that Julius Caesar and the Vargin Mary was born
upon the one day, — answer me that, if you wouldn't
be hissed ofif the platform?"

Well, my dear, the Pope could'nt answer it, and he
had to acknowledge himself sacked. Then he axed
his Riv'rence to tell him the rason himself; and Father



ao



FATHER TOM AND THE POPE

Tom communicated it to him in Latin. But as that is
a very deep question, I never hard what the answer was,
except that I'm tould it was so mysterious, it made the
Pope's hair stand on end. But there's two o'clock, and
I'll be late for the lecthir.



21



CHAPTER III.

HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS HOLINESS IN
LATIN.

O Docther Whately, Docther Whately, I'm sure
I'll never die another death, if I don't die aither ov
consumption or production! I ever and always thought
that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till
now, — and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same as-
thronomy is a tough enough morsel to brake a man's
fast upon, — and geolidgy is middling and hard, too, —
and hydherastatics is no joke, — but ov all the books ov
science that ever was opened and shut, that book upon
P'litical Econimy lifts the pins! Well, well, if they
wait till they persuade me that taking a man's rints
out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain
parts isn't doing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long
time in truth. But you're waiting, I see, to hear how
his Riv'rence and his Holiness got on after finishing
the disputation I was telling you of. Well, you see, my
dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hould a can-
dle to Father Tom in theology and logic, he thought
he'd take a shine out ov him in Latin anyhow: so
says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I quite agree
wid you that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on
them deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits
is acquainted wid; and," says he, "I think it 'ud be
no harm for us to spake from this out in Latin," says
he, "for 'fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are
saying."



FATHER TOM AND THE POPE

"Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, "whether they
undherstand what we're saying or not, as long as we
keep off that last pint we were discussing, and one or
two others. Listners never hear good ov themselves,"
says he, "and if Belzhebub takes anything amiss that
aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his fac-
tion, let him stand forrid like a man, and never fear, I'll
give him his answer. Howandiver, if it's for a taste
ov classic conwersation you are, jist to put us in mind
ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's at you." And wid
that he lets fiy at his Holiness wid his health in Latin.

"Vesthrae Sanctitatis salutem volo," says he.

"Vesthras Revirintias salutritati bibo." says the Pope
to him again (faith, it's no joke, I tell you, to remim-
ber sich a power ov larning). "Here's to you wid the
same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian. "Nunc
poculum alterhum imple," says he.

"Cum omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'rence.
"Cum summa concupiscintia et animositate," says he,
as much as to say, "Wid all the veins ov my heart, I'll
do that same,"— and so wid that they mix'd their fourth
gun apiece.

"Aqua vitae vesthra sane est liquor admirabilis," says
the Pope.

"Verum est pro te,— it's thrue for you,"— says his
Riv'rence, forgetting the idyim ov the Latin phwrase-
ology in a manner.

"Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the Pope,
finding fault wid his etymology.

"Parva culpa mihi," "small blame to me, that's,"
says his Riv'rence, "nam multum laboro in partibus
interioribus," says he— the dear man! that never was
at a loss for an excuse !

"Quid tibi incommodi?" says the Pope, axing him
what ailed him.



23



COMEDY

"Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus a looking-glass,"
says his Riv'rence.

"Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum subther
operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatoriae" says the Pope,
pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box, wid a looking-
glass in undher the lid — "Subther operculum pyxidis
hujus starnutatorii — no — starnutatorise — quam dono
accepi ab Arch-duce Austhriaco siptuagisima prsethe-
rita," says he, — as much as to say that he got the box
in a prisint from the Queen ov Spain last Lint, if 1
rightly remimber.

Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At last,
says he, "Father Sancte," says he, "sub errore jaces.
'Looking-glass,' apud nos habet significationem quam-
dam peculiarem ex tempore diei dependentem," — there
was a sthring ov accusatives for yez ! — "nam mane
speculum sonat," says he, "post prandium vero mat —
mat — mat" — sorra be in me but I disremimber the
classic appellivation ov the same article. Howand-
iver, his Riv'rence went on explaining himself in such
a way as no scholar could mistake. "Vesica mea,"
says he, "ab illo ultimo eversore distenditur, donee
similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis," says he, "Vesthrae
Sanctitatis praesentia salvata, aquam facere valde desid-
hero."

"Ho, ho, ho!" says the Fope, grabbing up his box.
"si inquinavisses meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses
— Hillo, Anthony," says he to his head butler, "fetch
Misther Maguire a — "

"You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off
his sate, — "you spoke first in the vernacular! I take
Misther Anthony to witness," says he.

"What else would you have me to do?" says the
Pope, quite dogged like to see himself bate thataway
at his own waypons. "Sure," says he, "Anthony

24



FATHER TOM AND THE POPE

wouldn't undherstand a B from a bull's foot, if I spoke
to him any other way."

"Well, then," says his Riv'rence, "in considheration
ov the needcessity," says he, "I'll let you off for this
time! but mind now, after I say prcestho! the first
ov us that spakes a word ov English is the hare —
prcestho!"

Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, considering
wid themselves how they were to begin sich a great
thrial ov shkill. At last, says the Pope, — the blessed
man, only think how 'cute it was ov him! — "Domine
Maguire," says he, "valce desidhero, certiorem fieri
de significatione istius verbi evcrsor quo jam jam usus
es" — (well, surely, I avi the boy for the Latin!)

"Evcrsor, id est cyathus," says his Riv'rence, "namo
apud nos tumbleri seu eversores, dicti sunt ab ever-
tendo ceremoniam inter amicos; non, ut Temperantiae
Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet, ab evertendis ipsis
potatoribus." (It's not every masther undher the
Boord, I tell you, could carry sich a car-load ov the
dead langidges.) "In agro vero Louthiano et Mid-
ensi." says he, "nomine gaudent quodam secundum
linguam Anglicanam significante bombardam seu tor-
mentum; quia ex eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis
liquorem facibus immittere solent. Etiam inter
haereticos illos melanostomos" (that was a touch ov
Greek). "Presbyterianos Septentrionales, qui sunt ter-
ribiles potatores, Cyathi dicti sunt faceres, et dimi-
dium Cyathi haef-a-glessus. Dimidium Cyathi vero
apud Metropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur dandy."

"En verbum Anglicanum !" says the Pope, clapping
his hands, — "leporem te fecisti ;" as much as to say
that he had made a hare of himself.

"DandcEus, dandceus, verbum erat," says his Riv'-
rence, — O, the dear man, but it's himself that was handy
ever and always at getting out ov a hobble, — "dandceus

25



COMEDY

verbum erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, cum me in-
therpillavisti."

"Ast ego dico," says the Pope very sharp, "quod
verbum erat dandy."

"Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus est," says
his Riv'rence, "id flagellat mundum ! Dandccus dixi,
et tu dicis dandy; ergo tu es lepus, non ego — Ah, ha!
Saccavi vesthram Sanctitatem!"

"Mendacium est!" says the Pope, quite forgetting
himself, he was so mad at being sacked before the sar-
vints.

Well, if it hadn't been that his Holiness was in it.
Father Tom 'd have given him the contints of his
tumbler betuxt the two eyes, for calling him a liar;
and, in troth, it's very well it was in Latin the offince
was conweyed, for, if it had been in the vernacular,
there's no saying what 'ud ha' been the consequence.
His Riv'rence was mighty angry anyhow. "Tu senex
lathro," says he, "quomodo audes me mendacem
prsedicare?"

"Et, tu, sacrilege nebulo," says the Pope, "quomodo
audacitatem habeas, me Dei in terris vicarium,
lathronem conwiciari?"

"Interroga circumcirca," says his Riv'rence.

"Abi ex jedibus meis," says the Pope.

"Abi tu in malam crucem," says his Riv'rence.

"Excimnicabo te," says the Pope.

"Diabolus curat," says his Riv'rence.

"Anathema sis," says the Pope.

"Oscula meum pod — " says his Riv'rence — but, my
dear, afore he could finish what he was going to say,
the Pope broke out into the vernacular, "Get out o' my
house, you reprobate!" says he, in sich a rage that he
could contain himself widin the Latin no longer.

"Ha, ha, ha! — ho, ho, ho!" says his Riv'rence.
"Who's the hare now, your Holiness? O, by this and

26



FATHER rOM AND THE POPE

by that, I've sacked you clane! Clane &nd clever I've
done it, and no mistake! You see what a bit of desate
will do wid the wisest, your Holiness,— sure it was jok-
ing I was, on purpose to aggravate you,— all's fair, you
know, in love, law, and conthravarsy. In troth if I'd
thought you'd have taken it so much to heart, I'd have
put my head into the fire afore I'd have said a word to
oflfend you," says he, for he seen that the Pope was
very vexed. "Sure. God forbid, that I'd say anything
agin your Holiness, barring it was in fun: for aren't
you the father ov the faithful, and the thrue vicar ov
God upon earth? And aren't I ready to go down on
my two knees this blessed minit and beg your apostoli-
cal pardon for every word that I said to your displase-
ment?"

"Are you in arnest that it is in fun you were?" says
the Pope.

"May I never die if I aren't." says his Riv'rence. "It
was all to provoke your Holiness to commit a brache
ov the Latin, that I tuck the small liberties I did," says
he.

"I'd have you to take care," says the Pope, "how
you take sich small liberties again, or maybe you'll
provoke me to commit a brache ov the pace."

"Well, and if I did," says his Riv'rence, "I know a
sartan preparation ov chymicals that's very good for
curing a brache either in Latinity or friendship."

"What's that?" says the Pope, quite mollified, and
sittmg down again at the table that he had ris from in
the first plufif of his indignation. "What's that?"
says he, "for 'pon my Epistolical 'davy, I think it 'ud
n't be asy to bate this miraculous mixthir that we've
been thrying to anilize this two hours back," says he,
taking a mighty scientif^cal swig out ov the bottom ov
his tumbler.

"It's good for a beginning," says his Riv'rence; "it

27



COMEDY

lays a very nate foundation for a more sarious opera-
tion; but we're now arrived at a pariod ov the evening
when it's time to proceed wid our shuperstructure by
compass and square, like free and excipted masons, as
we both are."

My time's up for the present ; but I'll tell you the
rest in the evening at home.



CHAPTER IV

HOW FATHER TOM AND HIS HOLINESS DISPUTED AT META-
PHYSICS AND ALGEBRA

God be wid the time when I went to the classical
seminary ov Firdramore! when I'd bring my sod o'
turf undher my arm, and sit down on my shnug boss o'
straw, wid my back to the masther and my shins to the
fire, and score my sum in Dives's denominations ov the
double rule o' three, or play fox and geese wid purty
Jane Cruise, that sat next me, as plisantly as the day
was long, widout any one so much as saying, ''Mikey
HefTerman, what's that you're about?" — for ever since
I was in the one lodge wid poor ould Mat I had my own
way in his school as free as ever I had in my mother's
shebeen.

God be wid them days, I say again, for it's althered
times wid me, I judge, since I got undher Carlisle and
Whateley. Sich sthrictness! sich ordher! sich dhrilling,
and lecthiring, and tuthoring as they do get on wid. I
wisht to gracious the one-half ov their rules and reg-
ilations was sunk in the say. And they're getting so
sthrict, too, about having fair play for the heretic chil-
der! We've to have no more schools in the chapels,
nor masses in the schools. O, by this and by that, it'll
never do at all!

The ould plan was twenty times betther; and, for my
own part, if it wasn't that the clargy supports them in
a manner, and the grant's a thing not easily done wid-
out these hard times, I'd see if I couldn't get a shel-



29



COMEDY

tered spot nigh hand the chapel, and set up again on
the good ould principle; and faix, I think our metro-
politan 'ud stand to me, for I know that his Grace's
motto was ever and always, that, "Ignorance is the thrue
mother ov piety."

But I'm running away from my narrative entirely, so
I am. "You'll plase to ordher up the housekeeper,
then," says Father Tom to the Pope, "wid a pint ov
sweet milk in a skillet, and the bulk ov her fist ov but-
ther, along with a dust ov soft sugar in a saucer, and
I'll show you the way of producing a decoction that,
I'll be bound, will hunt the thirst out ov every nook
and corner in your Holiness's blessed carcidge."

The Pope ordhered up the ingredients, and they were
brought in by the head butler.

"That'll not do at all," says his Riv'rence, "the in-
gredients won't combine in due proportion unless ye do
as I bid yes. Send up the housekeeper," says he, "for
a faymale hand is ondispinsably necessary to produce
the adaption of the particles and the concurrence of the
corpus'cles, widout which you might boil till morning
and never fetch the cruds ofif ov it."

Well, the Pope whispered to his head butler, and by
and by up there comes an ould faggot ov a Cuillean,
that was enough to frighten a horse from his oats.

"Don't thry for to desave me," says his Riv'rence,
"for it's no use, I tell yes. Send up the housekeeper,
I bid yes: I seen her presarving gooseberries in the


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