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MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR ***




Produced by Chris Curnow, Les Galloway and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net









PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series
of volumes, each complete in itself,
the cream of our national humour,
contributed by the masters of
comic draughtsmanship and the
leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
from its beginning in 1841 to the
present day

[Illustration: Mr Punch as Irishman]




MR. PUNCH'S
IRISH HUMOUR


[Illustration: "Sure, Pat, and why are ye wearin' ye'r coat buttoned
up loike that on a warm day loike this?"

"Faith, ye'r riverence, to hoide the shirt oi haven't got on!"]


MR. PUNCH'S IRISH
HUMOUR

IN PICTURE AND STORY

_WITH 154 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY

CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY,
GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL,
BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
G. D. ARMOUR, E. T. REED, H. M.
BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING
KING, AND OTHERS

[Illustration: Irishman with shamrock]

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH

THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"


THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.




THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_


LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: Donkey cart carrying family and dog]


MR. PUNCH AND PAT

(_By way of Introduction_)


[Illustration: Ragged Irishman standing]

No PUNCH artist has done more with Irish humour than Charles Keene.
Well over a third of the PUNCH drawings on this subject are from his
pencil. Most of the PUNCH artists have made good use of it, Phil May
and Mr. Raven-Hill in particular.

Some of MR. PUNCH'S jokes against the Fenians, Home Rule, and Irish
disloyalty have a bitterness that is quite unusual with him, but none
of these are included in our pages, and he has at other times handled
the same topics with his customary geniality and good-humoured satire.
He makes the most of the Irishman's traditional weakness for "##bulls"
whisky, fighting, and living with his pigs, but he gets an immense
amount of variety out of these themes, and does not neglect to touch
upon other typically Irish characteristics. If you have examples of the
Irishman's blunderings, you have examples also of his ready wit and his
amazing talent for blarney.

We have thus in the present volume a delightful collection of Irish
wit and high spirits. The happy-go-lucky characteristic of Pat is
especially prominent in many of the jokes, and interpreting MR. PUNCH'S
attitude towards the Irishman as one of admiration for his many
excellent qualities, instead of regarding him as the "but" for English
jokes, too often the notion of comic writers, the editor has sought to
represent MR. PUNCH as the friend of Pat, sometimes his critic, but
always his good humoured well-wisher, who laughs at him now and then,
but as often with him.

[Illustration: Mr Punch striding purposefully]




MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR


[Illustration: Mr Punch, with quill pen, bowing to reader]

THE IRISH YOLK. - In the name of the profit - eggs! Irish co-operators
have already made giant strides in the production of milk and butter,
and now the Irish Co-operative Agency has decided, so says the _Cork
Daily Herald_, to "take up the egg trade." We hope the egg-traders
won't be "taken up," too; if so, the trade would be arrested just when
it was starting, and where would the profit be then? "It is stated
that many Irish eggs now reach the English market dirty, stale, and
unsorted," so that wholesale English egg-merchants have preferred to
buy Austrian and French ones. Ireland not able to compete with the
foreigner! Perish the thought! A little technical education judiciously
applied will soon teach the Irish fowl not to lay "shop 'uns."

* * * * *

TANTALUS. - _Irish Waiter (to Commercial Gent, who had done a good
stroke of business already)._ "Brikfast! Yessir. What'll ye have, yer
honour - tay or coffee?"

_Commercial Gent (hungry and jubilant)._ "Coffee and fried sole and
mutton cutlet to follow!"

_Waiter (satirically)._ "Annything ilse, surr?"

_Commercial Gent._ "Yes, stewed kidneys. Ah and a savoury omelette!"

_Waiter._ "Yessir. Annything - - "

_Commercial Gent._ "No, that will do - - "

_Waiter (with calm contempt)._ "And do ye expict to foind the loikes o'
them things here? Sure, ye'll get what yez always got - bacon an' iggs!"

* * * * *

FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT. - "The police patrolled
the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance."

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Mr. MacSimius._ "Well, Oi don't profess to be a
particularly cultivated man meself; but at laste me progenitors were
all educated in the hoigher branches!"]




ERIN GO BRAGH


DEAR MR. PUNCH, - I perceive that there is a movement on foot, initiated
by the patriot Doogan, M.P., for teaching the Irish language to the
youthful Redmonds and Healeys of the Emerald Isle. I am sorry that the
Government has not acquiesced in the motion. I, myself, would bring in
a measure compelling all Hibernian Members of Parliament to denounce
(they never speak) in their native tongue. Just fancy the rapture with
which they would inveigh in a language incapable of comprehension by a
single Sassenach! And what a mighty relief to the other legislators!
If necessary, the Speaker might be provided with an Anglo-Irish
dictionary, or possibly a new post (open to Nationalists only) might be
created, viz., Interpreter for Ireland.

Trusting that my suggestion may be supported by you,

I am, yours obediently,

LINDLEY MURRAY WALKER

_The College, Torkington-on-the-Marsh_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Usher (the Court having been much annoyed by the
shuffling of feet)._ "Will ye hould yer tongues up there with yer feet
in the gallery!"]

[Illustration: _Irish Landlord (to his agent, who has been to London as
a witness)._ "And did ye mix much in society, Murphy?"

_Mr. Pat Murphy._ "Mix is it? Faix I did that, every night of the whole
time, and they said they'd niver tasted anything like it!"]

[Illustration: "Whatever have you been doing with yourself, Murphy?
You look all broken up!" "Well, yer 'anner, I wint to wan iv thim
'shtop-the-war' meetings lasht noight!"]




IRISH PROVERBS


Every goose thinks his wife a duck.

No news in a newspaper isn't good news.

Manners make the gentleman, and the want of them drives him elsewhere
for his shooting.

A miss is as good as a mile of old women.

Too many cooks spoil the broth of a boy.

It's foolish to spoil one's dinner for a ha'porth of tarts.

There are as fine bulls in Ireland as ever came out of it.

Necessity has no law, but an uncommon number of lawyers.

Better to look like a great fool, than to be the great fool you look.

A soft answer may turn away wrath, but in a Chancery suit, a soft
answer is only likely to turn the scales against you.

One fortune is remarkably good until you have had another one told you.

Don't halloa until you have got your head safe out of the wood,
particularly at Donnybrook Fair.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Lady (looking at new cob)._ "How does he go, Patrick?"

_Irish Groom._ "The very best, m'lady! Sure it's only now and then he
touches the ground in odd spots."]

* * * * *

Men of straw don't make the best bricks.

It's a narrow bed that has no turning.

When money is sent flying out of the window it's poverty that comes in
at the door.

The pig that pleases to live must live to please.

One man may steal a hedge, whereas another daren't even as much as look
at a horse.

Short rents make long friends - and it holds good equally with your
landlord and your clothes.

The mug of a fool is known by there being nothing in it.

You may put the carte before the horse, but you can't make him eat.

Money makes the gentleman, the want of it the blackguard.

When wise men fall out, then rogues come by what is not their own.

* * * * *

A BITTER BAD FRUIT. - A patriotic Irishman, expatiating eloquently upon
the Lodge disturbances that were so repeatedly taking place in his
country, exclaimed wildly: "By Jove, sir, you may call the Orange the
Apple of Discord of Ireland."

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Irate Station-master._ "What the divil are ye waitin'
for?"

_Engine-driver._ "Can't ye see the signals is against me?"

_Station-master._ "Is it the signals? Sure now, ye're gettin' mighty
particular!"]

[Illustration: _Paddy._ "Where will I catch the express for Dublin?"

_Station-master._ "Ye'll catch it all over ye if ye don't get off the
line mighty quick!"]

[Illustration: A REGULAR TURK. - _Adjutant._ "Well, sergeant, how's your
prisoner getting on?" _Sergeant of the Guard._ "Bedad, sor, he's the
vi'lentest blaggyard I iver had to do wid! We're all in tirror iv our
loives! Shure we're obliged to feed him wid fixed bay'nits!"]




THE TALE OF A VOTE


Bedad, 'twas meself was as plaised as could be
When they tould me the vote had bin given to me.
"St. Pathrick," ses Oi, "Oi'm a gintleman too,
An' Oi'll dine ivry day off a grand Oirish stew."

The words was scarce seen slippin' off of me tongue
When who but the Colonel comes walkin' along!
"Begorrah, 'tis callin' he's afther, the bhoy,
Oi'm a gintleman now wid a vingeance," ses Oi.

The Colonel come in wid an affable air,
An' he sat down quite natteral-loike in a chair.
"So, Rory," ses he, "'tis a vote ye've got now?"
"That's thrue though ye ses it," ses Oi, wid a bow.

"Deloighted!" ses he, "'tis meself that is glad,
For shure ye're desarvin' it, Rory, me lad.
An' how are ye goin' to use it?" ses he,
"Ye could scarcely do betther than give it to me."

Oi stared at the Colonel, amazed wid surprise.
"What! Give it away, sorr? - Me vote, sorr?" Oi cries
"D'ye think that Oi've waited ontil Oi am gray,
An' now Oi'm jist goin' to give it away?"

The Colonel he chuckled, an' "Rory," ses he.
But "No, sorr," Oi answers, "ye don't diddle me."
Thin he hum'd an' he haw'd, an' he started agin,
But he'd met wid his equal in Rory O'Flynn.

Thin the smoile died away, an' a frown come instead,
But for all that he tould me, Oi jist shook me head,

[Illustration: NOT QUITE THE SAME THING. - _Merciful Traveller._ "Your
little horse has been going well. When do you bait him?" _Pat._ "Ah,
shure, it's been a purty livel road, sor: but Oi'l have to bate him
goin' up Sloggin Derry Hill, sor!"]

An' he gnawed his moustache, an' he cursed an' he swore,
But the more that he argued, Oi shook it the more.

Thin he called me a dolt an' an ignorant fool,
An' he said that Oi ought to go back to the school,
An' he flew in a rage an' wint black in the face,
An' he flung in a hullaballoo from the place.

Bedad, Oi was startled. Him beggin' me vote,
An' he'd three of his own too! - The gradiness o't!
Ye could scarcely belave it onless it was thrue,
An' him sittin' oop for a gintleman too!

Was it betther he thought he could use it than Oi?
Begorrah, Oi'll show he's mistaken, me bhoy.
Oi'll hang it oop over me mantelpace shelf,
For now that Oi've got it, Oi'll kape it meself.

* * * * *

IRISH METEOROLOGY. - There surely must be some constant cause existing
whose agency maintains the chronic disaffection of Ireland. Perhaps it
is some disturbing element ever present in the atmosphere. That may
possibly be a predominance of O'Zone.

* * * * *

_Old Gentleman (who has not hurried over his Dinner, and has just
got his Bill.)_ "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for
stationery. You know I've had none - - "

_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin'
here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE CONSEQUENCE OF THE CHAIR. - _Chairman of the
Home-Rule Meeting._ "'The chair' will not dispute the point with
Misther O'Pummel - - " _The O'Pummel._ "'The chair' had betther
not, onless he loikes to stip out, and take his coat off!!"
[_Confusion - exeunt fighting._

* * * * *

THE HEADLESS MAN AGAIN. - _Stock-jobber (to new Irish clerk, who is
working out the Bull and Bear list)._ "Hullo, why do you write "B"
against your results?"

_Clerk._ "Shure, sir, that's for "Bull," to distinguish them from
"Bear.""

* * * * *

VERY IRISH RENDERING OF AN OLD SONG. - "'Tis my _day_light on a shiny
night!"

* * * * *

A TASTE OF THE TIMES. - _Mr. Molony, Irish Farmer (to Mr. Flynn, the
Agent)._ "Sure, I've come to ask yer honner to say a word to the
masther for me, for the Black Boreen haulding."

_Agent._ "No, Molony, the masther won't take a tenant without capital."

_Mr. Molony._ "And is it capital? Sure, I've three hundred pounds in
the bank this minit!"

_Agent._ "Oh, I thought I saw your name to that petition for a
reduction of rents, as you were all starving!"

_Mr. Molony._ "Tare an' agers! Mr. Flynn, darlin'! Is the petition gone
to the masther yet? If your honner could just give me a hoult av it,
that I may sthrike my name out!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Tourist._ "Have you not got Scotch whiskey?"

_Waiter (in an Irish hotel)._ "No, sorr, we don't kape it. And them as
does only uses it to water down our own!"]

[Illustration: "AS CLEAR AS MUD." - _Irish Waiter._ "An' will yer 'anner
have an inside kyar or an outside kyar?" _Inexperienced Saxon._ "Oh,
an outside car, of course; I don't want a covered conveyance; I want
to see the country." _Irish Waiter._ "Oh, shure, nayther of 'em's
covered." (_Closing door and preparing for a luminous explanation._)
"It's this way, it is, sir. They call 'em inside kyars bekase the
wheels is outside, an' they call 'em outside kyars by rason the wheels
is inside!!"]

[Illustration: A GOOD LISTENER. - _Reverend Gentleman._ "Well, Tim, did
you leave the letter at the squire's?" _Tim._ "I did, your riv'rence. I
b'lieve they're having dinner company to-day - - " _Reverend Gentleman_
(_angrily_). "What business had you to be listening about? How often
have I told you - - " _Tim._ "Plaze your riv'rence, I only listened with
my nose!!"]

[Illustration: _O'Brien._ "Oh, murther aloive! Barney, come and help
me! Pat has fallen into the mortar, and he's up to the ankles!"
_McGeorge._ "Och, if he's only up to the ankles, he can walk out."
_O'Brien._ "Oh, bedad, but he's in head first!"]

[Illustration: _Irish Pat (to Bashful Bridget)._ "Look up, Bridget me
darlin'. Shure an' I'd cut me head off ony day in the week for a sight
of yer beautiful eyes!"]

[Illustration: TRUSTWORTHY AUTHORITY

_Host._ "Michael, didn't I tell you to decant the best claret?"

_Michael._ "You did, sorr." _Host._ "But this isn't the best."

_Michael._ "No, sorr; but it's the best you've got!"]

[Illustration: "THE HARP IN THE AIR"

_Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a jig to the
fitful music of the telegraph wires)._ "Shure! whoiver y'are ye can't
play a bit! How can a jintleman dance - (_hic!_) - iv ye don't kape
thime?"!!

* * * * *

The Cockney who said he valued Switzerland for its mountain hair has a
supporter in a writer in the _Irish Independent_, who remarks: "There
are many mountains in the country now bare and desolate, whose brows,
if whiskered with forests, would present a striking appearance."

* * * * *

GEOGRAPHICAL CATECHISM. - _Q._ What do we now call the Isle of Patmos?

_A._ Ireland.

* * * * *

REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST. - _Traveller in Ireland (who has been
into a shebeen)._ "But are you not going to bait the horse?"

_Pat._ "Is it bate him? Sure, and didn't I bate him enough coming
along?"

* * * * *

_Irish Gent (paying debt of honour.)_ "There's the sovereign ye kindly
lint me, Brown. I'm sorry I haven't been able - - "

Saxon (_pocketing the coin_). "Never thought of it from that day to - -
By Jove! 'forgot all about it - - "

_Irish Gent._ "Bedad! I wish ye'd tould me that before!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Surgeon (examining in the practical methods of reviving
the apparently drowned)._ "Now, how long would you persevere in those
motions of the arms?" _Bluejacket (from the Emerald Isle)._ "Until he
was dead, sir!"]

[Illustration: _Squire (rather perplexed)._ "Hullo, Pat! Where did you
get the hare?" _Pat._ "Shure, surr, the cr'atur' was wand'rin' about,
an' I thought I'd take't to the 'Wanes'!" _Squire._ "But did the keeper
see you?" _Pat._ "Bliss yer honour, I've been lookin' for him iver
since I caught it!!"]

[Illustration: WAITING FOR THE LANDLORD. - _Ribbonman (getting
impatient)._ "Bedad, they ought to be here by this toime! Sure,
Tirince, I hope the ould gintleman hasn't mit wid an accidint!!!"]




AN IRISH "BRADSHAW"


(SCENE - _Westland Row Station, Dublin_)

_British Swell to Native Inhabitant_ (_loq._). "Haw, haw, pray will you
direct me the shortest way to Baggot Street, haw?"

_Native Inhabitant._ "Baggit Street, yer honor, yis, yer honor, d' see
that sthreet just forninst ye? Well, goo oop that, toorn nayther to
yer right nor to yer lift, till ye khoom to the foorst toorn, and when
ye khoom to the foorst toorn, don't toorn down that ayther, but walk
sthrait on and that'll lade ye to the place _Igs-actly_."

_Supercilious Saxon._ "Haw, thank yaw, haw!" (_And walks off more
mystified than ever._)

* * * * *

IRISH VACCINATION. - Professor Gamgee says that, owing to the vagrant
cur nuisance, "Hydrophobia in man is increasing in Ireland." This fact
is one which hom[oe]opathy may suggest some reason for not altogether
deploring. The canine _virus_ and the vaccine may be somewhat
analogous; and, if like cures like, many a happy cure may be effected
by a mad dog biting a rabid Irishman.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Irishman (whose mate has just fallen overboard with
the bucket while swabbing decks)._ "Plaze, captin, do ye rimimber that
Scotchie ye tuk aboard the same toime as ye did me? I mane him wot had
the lot o' good character papers, an' me that niver had a blissid wan?"

_Captain._ "Well?"

_Irishman._ "Well - _he's off wid yer pail!_"]

[Illustration: "Just make it a couple of shillings, captain
dear!" - "No!"

"Eighteenpence then, major!" - "No!"

"Och thin, colonel darling, just threppence for a glass o'
whiskey!" - "_No_, I tell you!"

"Git out wid ye thin, ye boa conshthructor, sure an' I know'd ye all
the toime!"

[_N.B._ - _The fare is the head of an eminent firm of furriers in
Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance_
]

[Illustration: CIRCUMLOCUTORY. - _The Parson (who likes to question the
boys, now and then, in a little elementary science)._ "Now, can any of
you tell me - Come, I'll ask you, Donovan, - What is salt?"

_Irish boy._ "Iv y' plaze, sir, - it's - it's" - (_after a desperate
mental effort_) - "it's the stuff that - makes a p'taytor very nasty 'v
ye don't ate 't with 't!"]




PADDY TO HIS PIG


Och! Piggy dear, an' did ye hear
The thraitors what they say?
The rint is due, an' oh! 'tis you,
Me darlin', that's to pay.
So you, whose squale is music rale
To me - the rascals hint
That you must doi, an' plaise, for whoy? -
The landlord wants his rint!

But no, me jew'l! Oi'm not so cru'l,
To kill an' murther dead
The chum that's ate out ov me plate,
An' shared the fam'ly bed.
Oi would be loike a fool to stroike
A frind to plaise a foe -
If one must doi, why then, says Oi,
The landlord, he must go.

* * * * *

AN IRISH NATIONAL SCHOOL-LESSON. -

_Master._ Spell "Patriotism."

_Scholar._ P-a-t, "Pat;" r-i-o-t, "riot;" i-s-m "ism."

_Master._ Now spake it together.

_Scholar._ Pat-riot-ism.

_Master._ Ah, then, it's the good boy you are entirely.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Irishman (who has run up a score at the inn, to
firemen)._ "Play on the slate, bhoys!"]

[Illustration: AN IRISH DIFFICULTY. - _Pat ("the morning after," reading
prescription)._ "'Dissolve wan of the powdhers in half a tumbler of
wather, an' th' other powdher in another half tumbler of wather. Mix,
an' dhrink whoile efferveshin'.' What'll Oi do? Whoy the div'l didn't
he say which Oi was to mix furrst?"]

[Illustration: _The Colonel._ "Mr. Moriarty, I received this morning a
most offensive anonymous letter, and, from certain indications, I am
compelled reluctantly to ask you if you know anything about it."

_Moriarty._ "An anonymous letter? Whoy, _Oi'd scorn to put my name to
such a thing_."]

[Illustration: QUITE ANOTHER THING

_Paddy_ (_the loser_). "Arrah g'long! I said I'd lay you foive to wan,
but I wasn't goin' to bet my ha'f-crown agin your tath'rin little
sixpence!"

[_Exeunt fighting._
]

[Illustration: MAKING THINGS PLEASANT. - _Irishman_ (_to English
Sportsman_). "Is it throuts? Be jabers, the watther's stiff wid 'em!!!"

[_"Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous
desire to please," as our friend recorded in his diary after a blank
day._
]

[Illustration: A BREATH FROM THE FAR WEST

"Can I go a yard nearer on my side, as I've lost the sight of me one
eye intirely?"

[Illustration: _"Pat" Junior (in answer to question by Saxon Tourist)._
"There's foive of us, yer honour, an' the baby."

_Saxon._ "And are you the eldest?"

_"Pat" Junior._ "I am, yer honour - at prisent!!"]

[Illustration: _Irish Groom._ "Will ye send up two sacks of oats an' a
bundle av hay."

_Voice from Telephone._ "Who for?"

_Irish Groom._ "The harse, av coorse, ye fool!"]

[Illustration: INS AND OUTS

_Irish Innkeeper (to "Boots," &c.)._"H'where's Biddee? Out, is she? Bad
luck to the hussy! She'll go out twinty toimes for wonce she'll come
in!"]

[Illustration: "IRISH"

_Polite Young Man._ "Perhaps you feel a draught, madam?"

_Old Lady._ "No, sir, not this side. I'm always careful to sit with my
back facing the engine!"]

[Illustration: WOKE UP

"'Tis the voice of the sluggard,
I heard him complain." - _Watts._

_Boots._ "Eight o'clock, surr!"

_Voice (from the deeps)._ "Why didn't ye tell me that before, confound
you!"]




RULES FOR HOME-RULERS


The following regulations, to be observed in the Irish Parliament when
it meets on College Green, are under consideration: -

1. The Speaker shall not speak except when he is talking.

2. Such terms as "thief of the wurruld," "spalpeen," "nager,"
"villian," "polthroon," "thraytor," "omadhawn," &c., and such epithets
as "base," "brutal," "bloody-minded," and others named in the schedule
to these regulations, shall be considered unparliamentary, except when
used in the heat of debate.

3. An Annual Budget shall be presented to the House once a quarter.

4. Shilelaghs, revolvers, and pikes, shall not be introduced into the
House, except when accompanied by a Member.

5. A Member shall be bound to attend every debate. A Member, however,
shall be excused if he gets up in his place in the House and announces
that he would be present were he not ill at home in bed.

* * * * *


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