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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107. August 4, 1894. online

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 107.
AUGUST 4, 1894.

* * * * *

SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS.

_August 1st._ - Deer-shooting in Victoria Park commences.

_2nd._ - Distribution of venison to "Progressive" County Councillors and
their families - especially to Aldermen.

_3rd._ - Stalking American bison in the Marylebone disused grave-yard is
permitted from this day. A staff of competent surgeons will be outside
the palings.

_4th._ - Chamois-coursing in Brockwell Park.

_5th._ - A few rogue elephants having been imported (at considerable
expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's Park, the Chairman of
the L. C. C., assisted by the Park-keepers, will give an exhibition of
the method employed in snaring them. The elephants in the Zoological
Gardens will be expected to assist.

_6th._ - _Bank Holiday._ - Popular festival on Hampstead Heath. Two herds
of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and
three or four specially procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let
loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or
the tigers, whichever they prefer. Express rifles recommended, also the
use of bullet-proof coats. No dynamite to be employed against the
tigers. Ambulances in the Vale of Health. The Council's Band, up some of
the tallest trees, will perform musical selections.

_7th._ - Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches
and leading cyclists. A force of the A1 Division of the Metropolitan
Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at Spring
Gardens, will be stationed round the ground to prevent the ostriches
escaping into the adjoining country.

_8th._ - Sale of ostrich feathers (dropped in the contests) to West-End
bonnet-makers at Union prices.

_9th._ - Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common.
Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal
venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring
Gardens. Progressive fireworks.

* * * * *

[Illustration: GENEROSITY.

_Andrew (preparing to divide the orange)._ "WILL YOU CHOOSE THE BIG
HALF, GEORGIE, OR THE WEE HALF?"

_George._ "'COURSE I'LL CHOOSE THE BIG HALF."

_Andrew (with resignation)._ "THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE 'EM EVEN."]

* * * * *

RATHER A CHANGE - FOR THE BETTER. - They (the dockers) wouldn't listen to
BEN TILLETT. They cried out to him, "We keep you and starve ourselves."
Hullo! the revolt of the sheep! are they beginning to think that their
leaders and instigators are after all _not_ their best friends? "O
TILLETT not in Gath!" And Little BEN may say to himself, "I'll wait
TILL-ETT's over."

* * * * *

LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.

V. - SCHOOL. "A DISTANT VIEW."

"Distance lends enchantment" - kindly Distance!
Wiping out all troubles and disgraces,
How we seem to cast, with your assistance,
All our boyish lines in pleasant places!

Greek and Latin, struggles mathematic,
These were worries leaving slender traces;
Now we tell the boys (we wax emphatic)
How our lines fell all in pleasant places.

How we used to draw (immortal _Wackford_!)
EUCLID's figures, more resembling faces,
Surreptitiously upon the black-board,
Crude yet telling lines in pleasant places.

Pleasant places! That was no misnomer.
Impositions? - little heed scape-graces;
Writing out a book or so of HOMER,
Even those were lines in pleasant places!

How we scampered o'er the country, leading
Apoplectic farmers pretty chases,
Over crops, through fences all unheeding,
Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places.

Yes, and how - too soon youth's early day flies -
In the purling brook which seaward races
_How_ we used to poach with luscious May-flies,
Casting furtive lines in pleasant places.

Then the lickings! How we took them, scorning
Girlish outcry, though we made grimaces;
Only smiled to find ourselves next morning
Somewhat marked with lines in pleasant places!

Alma Mater, whether young or olden,
Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces,
Treasured memories, days of boyhood golden,
Lines that fell in none but pleasant places!

* * * * *

LONDON BICYCLISTS.

["Mr. ASQUITH said that he was informed by the Chief
Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly
numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though
he was not prepared to say from the cause of the machines
passing on the near instead of the off side of the road.
Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the
rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced
the law as to riding to the common danger." - _Daily Graphic,
July 25._]

Round the omnibus, past the van,
Rushing on with a reckless reel,
Darts that horrible nuisance, an
Ardent cyclist resolved that he'll
Ride past everything he can,
Heed not woman, or child, or man,
Beat some record, some ride from Dan
To Beersheba; that seems his plan.
Why does not the Home Office ban
London fiends of the whirling wheel?

Let them ride in the country so,
Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal,
Shoot as straight as the flight of crow,
Sweep as swallow that seeks a meal,
We don't care how the deuce they go,
But in thoroughfares where we know
Cyclists, hurrying to and fro,
Make each peaceable man their foe,
Riders, walkers alike cry "Whoa!
Stop these fiends of the whirling wheel!"

* * * * *

ODE ON SACRIFICE.

Amid the glowing pageant of the year
There comes too soon th' inevitable shock,
That token of the season sere,
To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear,
Who, like to shipwreck'd seamen, do it hail,
And cry, "A Sale! a Sale!
A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock!"

See, how, like busy-humming bees
Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime,
Woman, unsparing of the salesman's time,
Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease,
Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases,
But takes away, with copper-bulgèd purse,
The textile harvest of a quiet eye,
Great bargains still unbought, and power to buy.

Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour done,
Some victory o'er reluctant remnants won,
Fresh from the trophies of her skill,
Things that she needed not, nor ever will,
She takes the well-earned bun;
Ambrosial food, DEMETER erst design'd
As the appropriate food of womankind,
Plain, or with comfits deck'd and spice;
Or, daintier, dallies with an ice.
Nor feels in heart the worse
Because the haberdashers thus disperse
Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice!

Yet Contemplation pauses to review
The destinies that meet the silkworm's care,
The fate of fabrics whose materials grew
In the same fields of cotton or of flax,
Or waved on fellow-flockmen's fleecy backs,
And the same mill, loom, case, emporium, shelf, did share.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "ADDING INSULT," &c.

SCENE - _Hunters cantering round Show Ring._

_Youth on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old
Twentystun)._ "'SCUSE ME, SIR, - 'BLIGED TO DO IT. NOTHING LESS THAN A
HAYSTACK STOPS HIM!"]

* * * * *

THE RIDER'S VADE MECUM.

(_For Use in Rotten Row._)

_Question._ What part of London do you consider the most dangerous for
an equestrian?

_Answer._ That part of the Park known as Rotten Row.

_Q._ Why is it so dangerous?

_A._ Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times
imperfectly kept.

_Q._ What do you mean by "imperfectly kept"?

_A._ I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impediments
to comfortable and safe riding.

_Q._ Why do you go to Rotten Row?

_A._ Because it is the most convenient place in London for the residents
of the West End.

_Q._ But would not Battersea Park do as well?

_A._ It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are
concerned, given over to the charms of solitude.

_Q._ And is not the Regent's Park also available for equestrians?

_A._ To some extent; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce are
not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the Serpentine.

_Q._ Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage?

_A._ Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient as
the present exercising ground.

_Q._ Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides other
than Rotten Row?

_A._ Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of
reform in existing institutions.

_Q._ Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to
confuse and obliterate the original contention?

_A._ Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with
success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers.

_Q._ So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that
Rotten Row should be carefully inspected and the causes of the recent
accidents ascertained and remedied?

_A._ I do; and, further, am convinced that such a course would be for
the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in
particular.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."]

* * * * *

"PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."

'Tis a norrible tale I'm a-going to narrate;
It happened - vell, each vone can fill in the date!
It's a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine.
Whom to spifflicate promptly their foes did incline.
Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma;
They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa.
But to vatch o'er his babbies vos always _his_ plan -
(_Chorus_) -
'Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man!

He took those three kiddies all into his charge,
And kep them together so they shouldn't "go large."
Two hung to his coat-tails along the hard track.
And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back.
The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed,
And they swore that to carry 'em _he_ shouldn't succeed,
But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan -
(_Chorus_) -
'Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man!

Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold,
And that croup or rheumatics would lay 'em in the mould;
But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease,
Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please.
But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good;
They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood,
But their dad cried, "I'll yet save these kids if I can!" -
(_Chorus_) -
'Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man!

Foes hoped he'd go out of his depth, - or his mind, -
Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind,
Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream.
And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream.
But he cries, cheery like, "Stash that hullabulloo!
_Keep your eye on your father, and HE'll pull you through!!_" -
Vich some thinks he _vill_ do - if any von can -
(Chorus) -
'Cos Sir VILLYUM he is sich a walliant old man!

* * * * *

LYRE AND LANCET.

(_A Story in Scenes._)

PART V. - CROSS-PURPOSES.

SCENE VI. - _A First-Class Compartment._

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Poets don't seem to have much
self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like
that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something
about my wretched letter!

_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'd better tell 'em before they find out for
themselves. (_Aloud; desperately._) My lady, I - I feel I ought to
explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this.

[Lady MAISIE _only just suppresses a terrified protest_.

_Lady Cantire_ (_benignly amused_). My good Sir, there's not the
slightest necessity, I am perfectly aware of who you are, and everything
about you!

_Spurr._ (_incredulously_). But really I don't see _how_ your
ladyship - - Why, I haven't said a _word_ that - -

_Lady Cant._ (_with a solemn waggishness_). Celebrities who mean to
preserve their _incognito_ shouldn't allow their friends to see them
off. I happened to hear a certain _Andromeda_ mentioned, and that was
quite enough for Me!

_Spurr._ (_to himself, relieved_). She knows; seen the sketch of me in
the _Dog Fancier_, I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, very
likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! (_Aloud._) You don't say so, my
lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most
agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you!

_Lady Cant._ I see no reason for _surprise_ in the matter. I have always
endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in touch
with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see
_everything_. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance
at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another look at
your _Andromeda_. I hear the most glowing accounts from all the judges.

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). She knows all the judges! She _must_ be in the
fancy! (_Aloud._) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud
and happy to bring her round for your inspection.

_Lady Cant._ (_with condescension_). If you are kind enough to offer me
a copy of _Andromeda_, I shall be _most_ pleased to possess one.

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me for
a pup. _I_ never offered her one! (_Aloud._) Well, as to _that_, my
lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't - but
there - I'll see what I can _do_ for you. I'll make a note of it; you
mustn't mind having to _wait_ a bit.

_Lady Cant._ (_raising her eyebrows_). I will make an effort to support
existence in the meantime.

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I couldn't have believed that the man who
could write such lovely verses should be so - well, not _exactly_ a
gentleman! How _petty_ of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses
never _are_. And as if it _mattered_! And I'm sure he's very natural and
simple, and I shall like him when I know him.

[_The train slackens._

_Lady Cant._ What station is this? Oh, it _is_ Shuntingbridge. (_To_
SPURRELL, _as they get out._) Now, if you'll kindly take charge of these
bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to meet
us - you will find us here when you come back.

SCENE VII. - _On the Platform at Shuntingbridge._

_Lady Cant._ Ah, _there_ you are, PHILLIPSON! Yes, you can take the
jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks.
(PHILLIPSON _hurries back to the luggage-van_; SPURRELL _returns._)
Well, Mr. - I always forget names, so shall call you "ANDROMEDA" - have
you found - - The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we'll get
in.

[_They go outside._

_Undershell_ (_at another part of the platform - to himself_). Where has
Miss MULL disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her luggage.
What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a _very_ poor relation.
How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about!
I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (_To a porter._) That's
mine - the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern
Court - Sir RUPERT CULVERIN'S.

_Porter_ (_shouldering it_). Right, Sir. Follow me, if you please.

[_He disappears with it._

_Und._ (_to himself_). I mustn't leave Miss MULL alone. (_Advancing to
her._) Can I be of any assistance?

_Phillipson._ It's all done now. But you might try and find out how
we're to get to the Court.

[UNDERSHELL _departs; is requested to produce his ticket, and
spends several minutes in searching every pocket but the right
one._

[Illustration: "Searching every pocket but the right one."]

SCENE VIII. - _The Station Yard at Shuntingbridge._

_Lady Cant._ (_from the interior of the Wyvern omnibus, testily, to_
Footman). What are we waiting for _now_? Is my maid coming with us - or
how?

_Footman._ There's a fly ordered to take her, my lady.

_Lady Cant._ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is standing below_). Then it's _you_
who are keeping us!

_Spurr._ If your ladyship will excuse me, I'll just go and see if
they've put out my bag.

_Lady Cant._ (_impatiently_). Never mind about your bag. (_To_ Footman.)
What have you done with this gentleman's luggage?

_Footman._ Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady.

[_He opens the door for_ SPURRELL.

_Lady Cant._ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is still irresolute_). For goodness'
sake don't hop about on that step! Come in, and let us start.

_Lady Maisie._ _Please_ get in - there's _plenty_ of room!

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). They _are_ chummy, and no mistake! (_Aloud, as
he gets in._) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion - my coming
up along with your ladyships, I mean!

_Lady Cant._ (_snappishly_). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense! Did
you expect to be asked to _run behind_? You really mustn't be so
ridiculously modest. As if your _Andromeda_ hadn't procured you the
_entrée_ everywhere!

[_The omnibus starts._

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a swell.
I'll keep my tail up. Shyness ain't one of _my_ failings. (_Aloud to an
indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, which is unlighted._)
Er - hum - pitch dark night, my lady, don't get much idea of the country!
(_The mass makes no response._) I was saying, my lady, it's too dark
to - - (_The mass snores peacefully._) Her ladyship seems to be taking a
snooze on the quiet, my lady. (_To_ Lady MAISIE.) (_To himself._) Not
that _that_'s the word for it!

_Lady Maisie_ (_distantly_). My Mother gets tired rather easily. (_To
herself._) It's really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he's
going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I'm more or less
_responsible_ for him, too! I _must_ see if I can't - - It will be only
kind. (_Aloud, nervously._) Mr. - Mr. BLAIR!

_Spurr._ Excuse me, my lady, not _BLAIR_ - SPURRELL.

_Lady Maisie._ Of course, _how_ stupid of me. I knew it wasn't _really_
your name. Mr. _SPURRELL_, then, you - you won't mind if I give you just
one little hint, _will_ you?

_Spurr._ I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is.

_Lady Maisie_ (_more nervously still_). It's really such a trifle,
but - but, in speaking to Mamma or me, it isn't at all necessary to say
'my lady' or 'your ladyship.' I - I mean, it sounds rather,
well - _formal_, don't you know!

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). She's going to be chummy now! (_Aloud._) I
thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners.

_Lady Maisie._ Oh - manners? yes, I - I daresay - but still - but
still - _not_ at Wyvern, don't you know. If you like, you can call Mamma
'Lady CANTIRE,' and me 'Lady MAISIE,' and, of course, my Aunt will be
'Lady CULVERIN,' but - but if there are other people staying in the
house, you needn't call them _anything_, do you see?

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I'm not likely to have the chance! (_Aloud._)
Well, if you're sure they won't _mind_ it, because I'm not used to this
sort of thing, so I put myself in your hands, - for, of course, _you_
know what brought me down here?

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must put
a stop to _that_ at once! (_In a hurried undertone._) Yes - yes; I - I
think I do. I mean, I _do_ know - but - but _please_ forget it - _indeed_
you must!

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Forget I've come down as a vet? The CULVERINS
will take care I don't forget that! (_Aloud._) But, I say, it's all very
well; but how _can_ I? Why, look here; I was told I was to come down
here on purpose to - - .

_Lady Maisie_ (_on thorns_). I know - you needn't tell me! And _don't_
speak so loud! _Mamma_ might hear!

_Spurr._ (_puzzled_). What if she did? Why, I thought her la - your
Mother _knew_!

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He actually thinks I should tell Mamma!
Oh, how _dense_ he is! (_Aloud._) Yes - yes - of _course_ she
knows - but - but you might _wake_ her! And - and please don't allude to it
again - to me or - or anyone. (_To herself._) That I should have to beg
him to be silent like this! But what can I _do_? Goodness only knows
_what_ he mightn't say, if I don't warn him!

_Spurr._ (_nettled_). I don't mind _who_ knows. _I'm_ not ashamed of it,
Lady MAISIE - whatever you may be!

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, exasperated_). He dares to imply that _I_'ve
done something to be ashamed of! (_Aloud; haughtily._) I'm _not_
ashamed - why _should_ I be? Only - oh, can't you _really_ understand
that - that one may do things which one wouldn't care to be reminded of
publicly? I don't _wish_ it - isn't _that_ enough?

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I see what she's at now - doesn't want it to
come out that she's travelled down here with a vet! (_Aloud, stiffly._)
A lady's wish is enough for _me_ at anytime. If you're sorry for having
gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I'm not the person to take
advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave.

[_He takes refuge in offended silence._

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Why did I say anything at all! I've only
made things worse - I've let him see that he _has_ an advantage. And he's
certain to use it sooner or later - unless I am civil to him. I've
offended him now - and I shall _have_ to make it up with him!

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I thought all along she didn't seem as chummy
as her mother - but to turn round on me like this!

_Lady Cant._ (_waking up_). Well, Mr. ANDROMEDA, I should have thought
you and my daughter might have found _some_ subject in common; but I
haven't heard a word from either of you since we left the station.

_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). That's _some_ comfort! (_Aloud._) You must
have had a nap, Mamma. We - we _have_ been talking.

_Spurr._ Oh yes, we _have_ been talking, I can assure you - er - Lady
CANTIRE!

_Lady Cant._ Dear me. Well, MAISIE, I hope the conversation was
entertaining?

_Lady Maisie._ M-most entertaining, Mamma!

_Lady Cant._ I'm quite sorry I missed it. (_The omnibus stops._) Wyvern
at last! But _what_ a journey it's been, to be sure!

_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I should just think it had. I've never been so
taken up and put down in all my life! But it's over now; and, thank
goodness, I'm not likely to see any more of 'em!

[_He gets out with alacrity._

* * * * *

[Illustration: "THE LITTLE MORE AND HOW MUCH IT IS."

_She_ (_engaged to another_). "WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON VERY WELL;
SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WEIGHING US DOWN!"

_He_ (_gloomily_). "IT'S THAT DIAMOND AND SAPPHIRE RING ON YOUR LEFT
HAND. WE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT!"]

* * * * *

MRS. R. has often had a cup of tea in a storm, but she cannot for the
life of her see how there can possibly be a storm in a tea-cup.

* * * * *

[Illustration: INFELICITOUS =MIS=QUOTATIONS.

_Hostess._ "YOU'VE EATEN HARDLY ANYTHING, MR. SIMPKINS!"

_Mr. S._ "MY DEAR LADY, I'VE DINED '_WISELY, BUT NOT TOO WELL_!'"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT.

BRUIN. "HA! - WHICHEVER WINS, I SEE MY WAY TO A DINNER!"]

* * * * *

THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT.

["Russia's love of peace is outweighed by her duty to safeguard
her vital interests, which would seriously suffer were Japan or
China to modify the present state of things in
Corea." - _Official Russian view of the Corean situation, given
by "Daily Telegraph" Correspondent at St. Petersburg._]


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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107. August 4, 1894. → online text (page 1 of 3)