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PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 13, 1895 ***




Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net






PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Volume 108, APRIL 13, 1895

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_




[Illustration: "I'LL SING THEE SONGS OF ARABY!"]

* * * * *

IN PRAISE OF THE TRIANGLE.

[Illustration: In Praise of Try Angle.]

Ye countless stars, both great and small,
The poetic sky who spangle,
Not one of you, that I recall,
Has hymned the sweet triangle!

With lyre and lute too long, too much,
Ye've thrid love's mazy tangle,
Yet unresponsive to your touch
Have left the sweet triangle.

And so the Muse commissions me
A lay to newly fangle -
I play the instrument, you see -
In praise of my triangle.

No tambourine, no minstrel bones
Give forth what HILDA WANGEL
Would call such "frightfully thrilling" tones
As those of my triangle.

No self-respecting band may try
To play - 'twould simply mangle -
Good music, unassisted by
The silver-tongued triangle.

In vain does STREPHON with a lute
Round PHYLLIS always dangle;
She'd have him, if he urged his suit
With passionate triangle.

Full brave may bray the loud trombone,
Full sweet the cymbals jangle,
The bagpipes till they burst may drone,
So I have my triangle.

The stately cold piano may
All depth of feeling strangle;
To rouse deep feeling I essay,
Nor fail, on my triangle!

O'er rival claims of violin
And 'cello some may wrangle -
For pure expression nothing's in
The hunt with my triangle.

The diamond bracelet must exceed
In worth the silver bangle -
No instrument, string, wind, or reed,
Compares with my triangle!

* * * * *

TO THE GRIFFIN.

(_By Calverlerius Rusticanus._)

[Illustration]

GRIFFIN, who benignly beamest
(So to speak) upon the Strand,
To the rustic eye thou seemest
Quite superlatively grand.

Griffin, grim and grimy Griffin,
Few, JOE tells me, will agree
With my artless numbers, if in
Undiluted praise of thee.

Critics, so he says, by dozens
Swear thou couldst not well be worse,
Yet from one poor country cousin's
Pen accept a tribute verse.

Some of London's statues now are
Fêted richly once a year;
Some - it seems a shame, I vow - are
Fated to oblivion there.

Once a year a primrose bower
Draws the folks around for miles,
DIZZY blossoms into flower,
Almost into "wreathèd smiles."

Once a year by all the town o'er-
-whelmed in bays is GORDON seen,
Countless wreaths recording "BROWN (or
JONES) thus keeps thy memory green."

Once a year King CHARLES'S statue
Paragraphs jocose invites,
Wreathed with flowers by infatu-
-ated modern Jacobites.

Thus their substance people waste on
This queer decorative fit -
Wreaths are sometimes even placed on
Mere nonentities like PITT.

But - I cannot think what JOE meant - !
No one - so he said to me -
In his most expansive moment
E'er has twined a wreath for thee!

So I cast - in no derision -
From my 'bus-top garden-seat
These few violets, with precision,
At what I must call thy feet.

'Tis not that thy mien is stately,
'Tis not that thy grace is rare,
'Tis not that I care so greatly
For thy quaint heraldic air;

But contemptuous men neglect thee,
Load thee with invective strange,
So with violets I have decked thee,
And with verses, as a change.

* * * * *

THE NEW DISCOVERY. - "Argon" is described as "a gaseous constituent."
In most constituencies can be found plenty of "Argons."

* * * * *

[Illustration: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF; OR, THE MODERN ORACLE OF AMMON.

"The people (the Libyans) deeming themselves not Egyptians, and being
discontented with the institutions, sent to the Oracle of Ammon,
saying that they had no relation to the Egyptians. The god,
however, said, 'that all the country which the Nile irrigated was
Egypt.'" - _Herodotus_, II., 15. B.C. 452.

"I stated that, in consequence of these claims of ours and the claims
of Egypt in the Nile Valley, the British sphere of influence covered
the whole of the Nile waterway." - _Sir E. Grey in House of Commons_,
A.D. 1895.

_John Bull._ "YOU SEE, NILUS, THE FATHER OF HISTORY AND I ARE OF THE
SAME WAY OF THINKING. SO YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MY BOY, WHILE I'M HERE!"]

* * * * *

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF;

_Or, The Modern Oracle of Ammon_.

_Nilus_ (_referring to Parisian Press_).
But - won't it make our French friends furious?

_Mr. Bull._ Gammon!

_Nilus._ Are you, then, the new Oracle of Ammon?

_Mr. Bull._ Well, ALEXANDER claimed the god his sire.
So why not I?

_Nilus._ I own I rather tire
Of all these squabbles. Peace is what I want.
Oh why did your intrusive SPEKE and GRANT*
Disturb my forty centuries of quiet?
Since then it's been all rumpus, and red riot.

_Mr. Bull._ How about RAMESES, old cockalorum?

_Nilus._ Oh! better all the Pharoahs in full quorum
Than Condominiums. The Control called Dual - -

_Mr. Bull._ Oh, don't you bother! _That_ has got its gruel.

_Nilus._ But these Exploring Expeditions?

_Mr. Bull._ Bogey!
Young GREY should reassure you, my old fogey.
His words don't speak scuttle or shilly-shally
"My 'sphere of influence' covers the Nile Valley."
Isn't that plain enough? God Ammon's nod
Was hardly more decisive. It is odd
How very like the Oracle's straight tip
Was to Sir EDWARD'S. A stiff upper lip
Saves lots of talk. "Explorers" will prove skittish
But the whole Nile's Egyptian (and thus British).
Just as HERODOTUS tells us Ammon said.
Sir EDWARD, my dear Nile, has an old head
Upon young shoulders; courteous as a GRANVILLE,
He comes down like a hammer on an anvil -
Or Ammon on the Libyans - when 'tis needful.
Of rumoured expeditions he is heedful
But not afraid. Effective occupation?
Why that's a ticklish point - for many a nation.
But why define it? EDWARD has a shorter way;
He claims for me the whole of your long waterway,
And plainly says intrusion would be viewed
As - well, "unfriendly." Should the FRANK intrude - -

_Nilus._ Ah! by the way, friend JOHN, whose head is yonder
Protruding through the reeds?

_Mr. Bull_ (_loudly_). Humph! Let him ponder
What he, perchance, has overheard. No mystery!
I simply hold with the great Sire of History.
The _Times_ and old HERODOTUS quite agree.
And both speak for the Oracle - J. B.,
Or Jupiter Ammon. The _Débats_ may differ
(At the French Press, at best, _I_ am no sniffer),
But don't you be alarmed by spleenful splutter,
Or what mere bouncing boulevardiers utter.
From all intruders you'll be safe, if you
But trust to the Old Oracle - and the New!
Far cry, old boy, from PHAROAH to the GUELPH.
Funny how History _does_ repeat itself!

* See Cartoon "Britannia Discovering the Source of the Nile," p. 233,
Vol. XLIV., June 6, 1863.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A STUDY IN "BIMETALLISM."

_Quotation from the Right Hon. Arth-r B-lf-r's Speech on this subject
last week._ - "A GENERAL FALL IN PRICES WAS SAID TO BE GOOD FOR THE
CONSUMER."

Does it look like it in this instance? [*** _So far_ the Court is with
Mr. A. B-LF-R.]]

* * * * *

To Corinna, angry.

The fault was mine. With piercing pang
My trespass I deplore;
But, when 'tis I you ought to bang,
Why do you bang the door?

* * * * *

Q. E. D. - There is said to be a good deal of illness and absence from
lessons of the schoolboy population of London at present. Can there be
any connection between this phenomenon and a paragraph which is going
the round of the papers, headed, "An objection to Euclid"? What is
sport to us may be death to them!

* * * * *

The Long and Short of It.

_Ars longa est!_ All know what once that meant;
But cranks corrupt so sickeningly have shindied
About _their_ ART of late, 'tis evident
The rendering now must be, "Art is long-winded!"
For _Vita brevis_, - all true men must hope,
Brief life for such base Art - and a short rope!

* * * * *

MOTTO - SLIGHTLY MODIFIED FROM GRAY'S "ELEGY" - FOR STODDART'S
ELEVEN. - "Still in those 'ashes' live their wonted fire."

* * * * *

SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE EDGWARE ROAD.

_For over half a mile the pavement on the East side of the
road is thronged with promenaders, and the curbstone lined
with stalls and barrows, and hawkers of various wares.
Marketing housewives with covered baskets oscillate
undecidedly from stalls to shops, and put off purchasing to
the last possible moment. Maids-of-all-work perambulate arm
in arm, exchanging airy badinage with youths of their
acquaintance, though the latter seem to prefer the society
of their own sex. A man with a switchback skittle-board plays
gloomy games by himself to an unspeculative group of small
boys. The tradesmen stand outside their shops and conduct
their business with a happy blend of the methods of a
travelling showman and a clown._

_Burlesque Butcher._ Now then all o' _you_ there! Buy, buy, buy! Jest
give yer minds to spendin' yer money! (_In a tone of artless wonder._)
Where _does_ the Butcher git this _luverly_ meat? What can I do fur
_you_ now, Marm? (_Triumphantly, after selling the scrag-end of a neck
of mutton._) _Now_ we're busy!

_Farcical Fishmonger_ (_with two Comic Assistants_). Ahar! (_To
crowd._) Come 'ere, you silly young snorkers! I've the quali_tee!_
I've the quali_tay!_ _Keep_ takin' money!

_First Comic Assistant._ Ahye! Foppence a pound nice plaice! Kippers
two fur three 'apence. _We_'re the Perfeshnal Curers! What are yer all
goin' to _do?_ Sort 'em out cheap!

_Second C. A._ I don't mind. What care I? (_Bursting into song._)
"'Ow, she rowled me 'ed, and rumbled in the 'ay!" On me word, she did,
ladies!

[_He executes a double shuffle, and knocks over several boxes
of bloaters in the gaiety of his heart._

_A Hawker of Penny Memorandum Books_ (_to an audience of small boys_).
Those among you 'oo are not mechanics, decidedly you 'ave mechanical
_hideers!_

[_He enlarges upon the convenience of having a note-book
in which to jot down any inspirations of this kind; but his
hearers do not appear to agree with him._

_A Lugubrious Vendor._ One penny for six comic pypers. Hevery one
different!

_A Rude Boy._ You ain't bin _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer,
guv'nor?

[Illustration: 'You ain't bin a _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer,
guv'nor?"]

_A Crockery Merchant_ (_as he unpacks a variety of vases of appalling
hideousness_). _I_ don't care - it's self-sacrifice to give away!
Understand, you ain't buyin' _common_ things, you're buyin' suthin'
_good!_ It 'appens to be my buthday to-night, so I'm goin' to let you
people 'ave the benefit of the doubt. Come on 'ere. I don't ask you to
b'lieve _me_ - ony to jedge fur yerselves. I'm not 'ere to tell you no
fairy tales; and the reason why I'm in a position to orfer up these
vawses - all richly gilt, and decorated in three colours, the most
expensive ever made - the reason I'm able to sell them so cheap as I'm
doin' is this - (_he lowers his voice mysteriously_) - arf the stuff I
'ave 'ere we git _in very funny ways!_

[_This ingeniously suggestive hint enhances the natural charm
of his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up
briskly, as calculated to brighten the humblest home._

_A Sanctimonious Young Man_ (_with a tongue too large for his mouth,
who has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him_). I am only
'ere to-night, my friends, as a paid servant - for the purpose of
deciding a wager. Some o' you may have noticed an advertisement lately
in the _Daily Telegrawf_, asking for men to stand on Southwark Bridge
and orfer arf-suverings for a penny apiece. You are equally well aware
that it is illegal to orfer the Queen's coinage for money: and that is
_not_ my intention this evening. _But_ I 'ave 'ere several pieces
of gold, guaranteed to be of the exact weight of arf a suvering, and
'all-marked, which, in order to decide the wager I 'ave spoken of, I
shall now perceed to charge you the sum of one penny for, and no more.
I am not allowed to sell _more_ than one to each person - -

[_Here a constable comes up, and the decision of the wager is
postponed until a more favourable opportunity._

_First "General"_ (_looking into a draper's window_). Look at them
coloured felt 'ats - all shades, and on'y sixpence three-fardens!

_Second "G."_ They _are_ reasonable; but I've 'eard as felt 'ats is
gone out o' fashion now.

_First "G."_ Don't you believe it, SARAH. Why, my married sister
bought one on'y last week!

_Coster_ (_to an old lady who has repudiated a bunch of onions after
a prolonged scrutiny_). Frorsty? So would _you_ be if _your_ onion 'ad
bin layin' out in the fields all night as long as these 'ave!

_First Itinerant Physician_ (_as he screws up fragments of candy in
pieces of newspaper_). That is Frog in your Froat what I'm doin' up
now. I arsk you to try it. It's given to me to give away, and I'm
goin' to _give_ it away - you understand? - that's all. And now I'm
goin' to tork to you about suthink else. You see this small bottle
what I 'old up. I tell you there's 'undreds layin' in bed at this
present moment as 'ud give a shillin' fur one of these - and I offer
it to you at one penny! It corrects all nerve-pains connected with
the 'ed, cures earache, toothache, neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-complaint,
fits, an' syhatica. Each bottle is charged with helectricity, forming
a complete galvanic-battery. Hall _you_ 'ave to do is to place the
bottle to one o' your nawstrils, first closing the other with your
finger. You will find it compels you to sniff. The moment you _tyke_
that sniff, you'll find the worter comin' into your heyes - and that's
the helectricity. You'll say, "_I_ always 'eard helectricity was a
_fluid_." (_With withering scorn._) Very _likely!_ You _'ave!_ An'
_why?_ Be-cawse o' the hignirant notions prevailin' about scientific
affairs! Hevery one o' these bottles contains a battery, and to heach
purchaser I myke 'im a present - a _present_, mind yer - of Frog in 'is
Froat!

_Susan Jane_ (_to_ LIZERANN, _before a stall where "Novelettes,
three a penny," are to be procured by the literary_). Shall we 'ave a
penn'orth, an' you go 'alves along o' me?

_Lizerann._ Not _me_. I ain't got no time to go improvin' o' _my_
mind, whatever _you_ 'ave!

_A Vendor of "'Ore'ound Tablets"_ (_he is a voluble young man, with
considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough-lozenges
as not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller,
as you see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a
lassoo-soot as belonged to my Uncle BILL, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why,
I've took over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive
you; you may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to git two
good ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do.
This is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always
bin like I am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin'
wunnerful well, too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and
went on the booze, and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and
got a berth sellin' these 'ere Wangoo Tablets - and now I've got a neat
little missus, and a nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never
a week passes but what I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair
o' noo socks. Soon as the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf
to Yarmouth. And what's the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My
Uncle BILL, as lives at Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and
a light waggon, _he_'s doin' wunnerful well, and he'd take me into
partnership to-morrow, he would. But no - I'm 'appier as I am. What's
the reason I kin go on torkin' to you like this night after night,
without injury to my voice? Shall I tell yer? Because, every night
o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take four o' these Wangoo
Tablets - compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take them to the nearest
doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as he _will_, and you
'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them tablets - after your
pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You won't want no more
drink, you'll find they make you come 'ome reglar every evening, and
be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to persevere for a bit
with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself, doin' _wunnerful_
well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a sheepish head in
a pot-hat which is visible over the back of his stall._) Born and bred
in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right!_ Bin over 'ere six year, so o'
course 'e speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right. Now I'm no Amerikin
myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the Amerikins are,
allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at liberty to go
and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real Amerikin invention
or not - as he'll tell yer it _is_ - and quite right, too! An' it stands
to reason as _he_ orter to know, seein' he interdooced it 'imself and
doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come 'ere to _rob_
yer. Lady come and give me a two-shillin' piece just now. I give it
her back. _She_ didn't know - thort it was a penny, till I told her.
Well, that just shows yer what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets
_are!_

[_After this practical illustration of their efficacy, he
pauses for oratorical effect, and a hard-worked-looking matron
purchases three packets, in the apparent hope that a similar
halo of the best horehound will shortly irradiate the head of
her household._

_Lizerann_ (_to_ SUSAN JANE, _as they walk homewards_). On'y
fancy - the other evenin', as I was walkin' along this very pavement,
a cab-'orse come up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed over my
shoulder and breathed right in my ear!

_Susan Jane_ (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell!

[LIZERANN _is clearly disquieted by so mystical an
interpretation, even while she denies having done anything
deserving of a supernatural rebuke_.

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

[Illustration]

GENERAL ADYE has added to our national war story _Recollections of a
Military Life_ (SMITH, ELDER & CO.). Sir JOHN has not been in a hurry.
He began fighting more than forty years ago, and has since filled up
opportunity as it presented itself. These particular recollections are
chiefly occupied with the Crimean War and the Indian Mutiny, though
the old soldier has something to say about the Afghan War of 1878-9,
and the Egyptian War of 1882. My Baronite finds most interesting the
chapters about the Crimean War, certain incidents and episodes of
which are narrated with soldierlike directness and simplicity.
The story of the Balaclava Charge has been told in verse and prose
innumerable times. General ADYE did not actually see it, "a ridge of
intervening hills intercepting the view" as he rode back to the camp
from Balaclava. But he manages in a sentence or two vividly to impress
the scene on the mind of the reader. Among many good stories is one
about General HARRY JONES. PELISSIER, with a Frenchman's scorn of
any language but his own, got as near as he could to ordinary
pronunciation when he called him "General HAIRY-JOZE." He did better
when the gallant General was knighted, and was alluded to respectfully
by the French Commander-in-Chief as "SAIREY-JOZE" (Sir HARRY JONES).

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

A Quip.

Mr. ARTHUR TOLLER has been appointed to the Recordership of Leicester.
He is an able man. "_Argal_," as the Shakspearian Clown would say,
"the appointment is just Toller-able."

* * * * *

[Illustration: MAGNIFYING HIS CALLING.

_Peter._ "NA, LADDIE, THIS IS ANE O' THAE THINGS A BODY CAN NEVER
LEARN. THERE'S NO NAE USE IN A MAN TAKIN' TAE _THIS_ JOB UNLESS HE HAS
A NAITERAL BORN APTITUDE FOR 'D!"]

* * * * *

THREE MODES OF SPENDING A BANK HOLIDAY.

(_By a Confirmed Pessimist._)

_Plan the First._ - Take to Volunteering. Be up at daybreak. Leave
your home after snatching a hasty breakfast of lukewarm tea and stale
bread-and-butter. Crowd into a railway-carriage, and travel a hundred
miles or so in the greatest discomfort. Fall in with your company.
March, counter-march, and stand at ease for ten hours or so in
sunshine, rain, fog, or snow. Stave off starvation with a packet of
sandwiches and a bottle of ginger ale. Dead beat, enter crowded train
a second time, and again travel a hundred miles or so in the greatest
discomfort. More dead than alive, stagger home, and wearily roll into
bed.

_Plan the Second._ - Try a trip to the sea-side. Share a first-class
compartment with a dozen third-class passengers. Travel to
Shrimpington with the accompaniment of rank tobacco-smoke, comic
songs, and solos on the concertina. Get to your destination with a
splitting headache. Find that all the shops are shut, and all
the taverns open. Learn that Shrimpington, as represented by its
respectable inhabitants, goes away _en masse_ on a bank holiday.
Discover that there is but one hotel in the place. Ascertain that at
the solitary hostelry the rooms are filled with noisy excursionists,
greedily devouring "the shilling tea." Search for nourishment,
and fail in your search. Fall back upon stale buns at a third-rate
sweet-stuff shop. Catch your train back, and endure the torture of the
morning. Travel amongst the same company, under the like conditions.
Reach home hours later than you proposed on starting, and consider
whether the holiday has been a triumphant success or a dismal failure.

_Plan the Third_ (_highly recommended_). - Although desiring change,
remain at home, choosing the lesser of two evils.

* * * * *

MR. GULLY. - "WILLIAM COURT GULLY, M.P." - certainly "Caught GULLY" at
last. Now the question is, "WILL GULLY" be acceptable to all parties
"E-gully"?

* * * * *

[Illustration: GENTLE IRONY.

_'Bus Driver_ (_to ill-favoured Policeman, who has stopped him at a
crossing_). "WHEN ARE YER GOIN' TO LET ME 'AVE THAT PHOTO?"]

* * * * *

NOT DONE YET.

A SONG OF ST. STEPHEN'S SCHOOL.

(_To the Air of the Harrow Song, "Fairies."_)

When in the Springtime cold and bleak,
In spite of wind and weather,
The Blues and Buffs, the strong and weak
Throng out of school together;
Off to their homes alert and gay
From long sederunts risen,
Majors and minors rush to play,
Live lags let loose from prison.
There you behold "Big BILL," the bold!
Hear how his heart rejoices -
"Ho ho! ha ha! Tra-la-la-la!" -
Booms his most bass of voices.

He cocks a snook at slate and book.
He's had his work _this_ term, boys,
But has contrived, by hook or crook,
To keep his footing firm, boys.
He's had to fight, like DIBDIN'S tar,
'Gainst many a would-be boarder.
It needed wit as well as war
To keep the school in order.
But he has shown both wit and grit,
And patience linked about it.
"Ho ho! ha ha! Tra-la-la-la!" -
Young ARTY hears him shout it.

ARTY had hoped he could have coped
With BILL, and licked him hollow;
That JACK had kicked, and SANDY moped,
And PAT refused to follow.
But BILL has proved a dodgy one,
As well as a hard hitter;
And that has somewhat marred the fun,
And disappointment's bitter.
What wonder then BILL'S Tra-la-la
Sets ARTY shouting shrilly,
"Boohoo and pah! Yah-boo-yah-bah!
You wait a bit, Big BILLY!

"With spur and rein, whip-stroke and strain,
Jehu _plus_ artful jockey,
You've kept your team in tow again,
And you look blessed cocky.
Wait till the way shows sludge and clay,


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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 13, 1895 → online text (page 1 of 3)