Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 23, 1914 online

die.

He returned to his third-floor back in St. Pancras, and, lighting his
lamp and a candle to ensure as much illumination as possible, looked
with brooding earnestness at his reflection in the worn uncertain
looking-glass.... He began to realise the truth of things. The flag was
in his button-hole, his eye had a glint of lingering excitement, his
brain was ruffled; he saw himself as he was. England must fight,
Englishmen must help, for England could not fail. On her rested the
truest and noblest concerns of humanity.

Bates removed his coat. He was five-foot two; his chest measurement was
less than proportionate to his height. His muscles, so far as they
existed, were flabby. He moved his arms to exercise their powers; then,
realising his weariness, went slowly to bed. Bates was a little tiny
man, but his heart was large.

He was restless throughout the night, rose but little refreshed, and
breakfasted badly. He went forth to his labours - he was a ledger-clerk
in some Stores - feeling greatly depressed. Gradually, however, that
sense of oppression passed. The world was full of sunshine, and, though
the faces of the passers-by were anxious and unsmiling, there was no
despondency about them. Where no despondency is, there surely is hope.
Bates began to feel hopeful. The sight of a Territorial with a kitbag
completed his recovery. He strode out with an unusual vigour, squared
his poor chest, swung his arms, and whistled softly to himself the
chorus of some piece of music-hall patriotism -

"They can't build boys of the bull-dog breed!"

By the time he reached the office - well before the hour - he was a
pugnacious and confident patriot for all his scarcity of feet and
inches.

The days that followed were full of emotions and excitements. Three of
Bates's colleagues went the Khaki way, and every hour brought some
discussion of international problems. The counting-house thrilled with
arguments of high strategy. What KITCHENER should do, and where CHARLIE
BERESFORD should be sent, were questions confidently settled. Bates,
whose want of stature made him too insignificant to speak with
confidence in these discussions, held his peace, but listened with both
ears. What was the good of this talk? It was incumbent on Englishmen to
do.

That night he was one of a multitude who stood at the entrance of the
local drill-hall hoping to become Territorials. He rather expected to be
chaffed for his pains, but, though there was plenty of jollity among
those waiting, there was no unkindness; and at last, thanks to squeezing
and patience, he was able to get within the charmed gate. So far and no
farther; not so far even as to the medical officer. A watchful sergeant
grasped him by the shoulder, and, smiling with earnest eyes, said:

"It's no use wasting your time here, young fellow-my-lad! You'd better
shave your upper lip and apply to the Boy Scouts."

Bates turned on his heel and, sick at heart, went out by a side door. He
was angry with himself, at his inadequate inches. What could he do for
England? He was deeply grieved at his uselessness. He crept up to his
room and sat in the darkness, brooding.

His spirits were low for some days, and the sight of regiments marching,
of soldiers with their friends, of placards telling the truth and the
not-so-truthful, made him feel very futile. He spent hours of every
evening wandering through the streets, watching the lighted windows of
Buckingham Palace, gazing at the policemen who guarded Downing Street.
He wanted to do so much for England, yet he must stand and wait. He had
left the mimic flag in his pin-cushion at home; he was in no mood for
wearing it now.

Then an idea came to him. His spirits rose, his eyes brightened; he
walked again with something of a martial swing, and whistled to himself
softly and inoffensively that even a neighbour might not have heard.

Bates had found his way. He too could serve England. He sacrificed all
but his bare necessities, and grew actually thinner and even less
obtrusive. His outer insignificance shrank, but inwardly he was as happy
as a warrior. Every week a postal order went to this relief-fund or to
that. It was regularly acknowledged to "One of the Bull-dog Breed."

Bates wears his flag boldly and is confident that we shall win.

* * * * *

Old Proverbs re-made in Germany.

I. "_Vedi Parigi e poi mori._"

* * * * *

KINGS FROM THE EAST.

Cities of wonderment,
Pink as the morn,
There, of the sunrise sent,
Reigned the Sun-Born;
From the high heaven's gate,
Sprung from the flame,
Ere Nineveh was great,
Ere Thebes a name!

Emeralds, milky pearls
Plucked from blue seas,
Footfall of silken girls -
Such for their ease;
Shimmer and silken sheen,
Jewel and maid -
These but the damascene
Chasing the blade!

For on a royal day
Lost in the years
Chose they the Happy Way -
The way of spears;
Ere Rome's first bastionings
Climbed from the sods
In the old East were kings
Warring with gods.

Lo, through the eastern sky
Crimson is drawn,
Kings in their panoply
Ride with the dawn;
Sprung from high heaven's gate,
Sprung from the flame,
Ere Nineveh was great,
Ere Thebes a name!

* * * * *

THE HOHENZOLLERN STIGGINS.

"'Oh, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins, 'here's a sorrowful
affliction.... It makes a vessel's heart bleed.'

Mr. Weller was overheard to murmur something about making a
vessel's nose bleed."

_Pickwick Papers._

* * * * *

A NEW VERSION.

When French joined FRENCH
Then was the tug of war.

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE WAR.

ENGLAND MEANS "BUSINESS - AS USUAL."

"'Who that England know who only England knows.' We are not certain
of the precise verbality, but thus the poet sang."

_"Leader," B. E. Africa._

The "precise verbality" is merely a private trouble of the poets.

* * * * *

From an official notification in _The Shanghai Municipal Gazette_: -

"Where mosquitoes cannot be exterminated by abolishing stagnant
water or by the use of kerosine oil, or by reporting their presence
to the Health Officer, the mosquito net should be carefully used."

_Elderly bald Gentleman_ (_to mosquito_): "Now I've warned you once; and
if you sting me again I shall report you to the Health Officer."

* * * * *

THE WAR DAY BY DAY.

We understand from our Special War Correspondent, who is counting the
butter at Copenhagen, that great activity is manifesting itself among
the officers and men of the German Slack-Water Fleet. This is owing to
the fact that they are learning a new German National Anthem which has
just been introduced into the Fleet, set to an old English tune. A rough
translation of the chorus goes as follows: -

"Rule, Germania, Germania ever shall
Ru - u - u-u-u-u-ule the Kiel Canal."

The order enforcing this new song is signed "WILHELM, Grand Admiral of
the Canal."

* * * * *

The announcement that an indemnity of 100,000 cigars had been levied on
Ghent created some little surprise. It is a fact, however, that before
the campaign began a list of suitable indemnities for all the towns and
villages through which the Germans hoped to pass had been drawn up by
the ever-ready General Staff. A list of such war levies for various
places in England has accidentally come into our possession, a
dispatch-case containing this and other important documents having been
dropped by a carrier-pigeon as it was flying over Bouverie Street on its
way back to Berlin. We give a few examples, so that our readers may know
what to expect: -

_London._ - £100,000,000, the Albert Memorial and three-dozen
special constables.

_Beaconsfield._ - Mr. G. K. - - (_suppressed by Censor_).

_Tonbridge._ - 100,000 cricket bats with splices, 10,000 pairs of
leg-guards, and 1,000 wicket-keeping gauntlets.

_Greenwich._ - 200,000,000 bunches of whitebait, 200,000 lemons, and
750,000 slices of brown bread and butter.

_Steeple Bumpstead._ - £5,000,000 and a mangold-wurzel. [Three weeks
will be given the inhabitants in which to collect the money, but
the wurzel must be handed over at once.]

* * * * *

By the way, the plan for this invasion of England is a remarkably subtle
one. The invading army will be under the command of the CROWN PRINCE,
who, according to the latest reports, is now fighting simultaneously on
the eastern and western frontiers of Germany, and has volunteered for
spare-time work. Waiting for the psychological moment when the British
Fleet is looking the other way, the Grand High Canal Fleet will slip out
with barges in tow, containing six army corps and His Royal Lowness.
And, as VON MOLTKE said to the present writer's - the present KAISER'S
grandfather. "Victory will be ours, Sire."

* * * * *

Illustration: A USE FOR ZEPPELINS.

_Belated Citizen_ (_who has been lamenting the loss of his latch-key all
the way home_). "HELLO! HERE'S A BIT OF LUCK!"

* * * * *

Success continues to attend the Austrian arms, both in the East and in
the South. It is announced on reliable authority that more than 200,000
Austrians have forced their way into Russia, and are now guarding the
more important Russian prisons from within. In the South the
chastisement of Servia, undertaken solely for Servia's own good, has
triumphantly achieved its object.

* * * * *

The Japanese army corps, which passed through Llanfairfechan, Inverness
and Bushey last Saturday, on its way to outflank the German left wing at
Metz, has arrived safely at Scutari, and is now marching on Vienna. [The
Press Bureau has no notion whether this is true or not, and cannot think
of any way of finding out. But it consents to its publication in the
hope that it will frighten the KAISER.]

* * * * *

We learn that the Russians have won a pronounced victory (but not by us)
at Przemysl.

* * * * *

Shakspeare on the Situation.

"List! list! oh list." - _Hamlet, Act I., Scene 4._

* * * * *

Illustration: _Old Lady._ "I'VE BROUGHT BACK THIS WAR MAP YOU SOLD ME
YESTERDAY, MR. BROWN. IT'S NOT UP TO DATE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL THE
MORNING FOR ARMAGEDDON, AND CAN'T FIND IT MARKED ANYWHERE."

* * * * *

ODE TO THE SPIRIT OF WIRELESS VICTORY.

(_An attempt, suggested by certain Marconigrams, to shed still further
light on the nature of the principal Teutonic deity._)

What to thee are marching legions,
Cannon smoke and sabre thrust,
Goddess of the cloud-rimmed regions
In whose might the Germans trust?
Though, however high and regal,
Kingly pomp may break and bend
Soiled with murder (labelled legal),
Thou, more active than the eagle,
Thou endurest to the end.

Thou wast not behind their banners
When they scoured the Belgian plain,
When they taught their Teuton manners
By the wreck of farm and fane;
Clear of battle's mire and fury
On those sightless feet and hid,
Thou wast wafted with the story
Saying this was German glory
To Chicago and Madrid.

Long e'er Paris heard the thunder,
Herald of the Uhlan's lance,
Thou wast making Stockholm wonder
At the dying flame of France:
Not on wires, with no word written,
Thou hadst trod thine airy track,
Faster than the mailed mitten,
And behold our fleet was smitten
Somewhere near the Skager Rack.

So. And when their lines are broken,
When their shrapnel falls less fast,
Shalt thou fail to send a token
Undefeated to the last?
Surely not. Red devastation
Still shall urge by land and sea
Every proud advancing nation
While Marconi's installation
Rules the skies of Germany.

Still when pagan peoples sever
Railway line and telegraph
Thou shalt keep thy staunch endeavour,
Thou shalt scatter us like chaff.
Still, O goddess of the Prussians,
Thou shalt sound thy trump of tin
Undeterred by rude concussions
While the Frenchmen hail the Russians
On the flagstones of Berlin.

EVOE.

* * * * *

A German Motto: - "Gott mit Huns."

* * * * *

Illustration: THE GREAT ILLUSION.

KAISER. "MY POOR BIRD, WHAT _HAS_ HAPPENED TO YOUR TAIL-FEATHERS?"

GERMAN EAGLE. "CAN YOU BEAR THE TRUTH, SIRE?"

KAISER. "IF IT'S NOT FOR PUBLICATION."

GERMAN EAGLE. "IT'S LIKE THIS, THEN. YOU TOLD ME THE BRITISH LION WAS
CONTEMPTIBLE. WELL - HE WASN'T!"

* * * * *

Illustration: FROM OUR SPECIALLY CREDULOUS CORRESPONDENT.

_Stoker._ "I SEE THE TORPEDO APPROACHIN' US; SO, WITHOUT WAITIN' FER ANY
ORDERS, I DIVES OVERBOARD, JUST GIVES 'IM A FLICK ON 'IS LITTLE RUDDER,
AN' OFF 'E GOES TO STARB'D AN' PASSES US 'ARMLESSLY BY."

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, Sept. 14._ - House met to-day with proud
feeling of altered circumstance. A fortnight ago things looked bad in
France. Allied Armies were continuing prolonged retreat not made more
acceptable by being officially named "Retirement." A detailed narrative
compiled in neighbourhood of the Army had described the little British
Force, long fighting at odds of four to one, as "broken to pieces."

Seemed as if Paris were on verge of another triumphal entry by German
forces: France on eve of a second Sedan.

To-day a more hurried retreat is daily accumulating speed. This time it
is the invader who, in order to avoid final disaster, is racing back to
the comparative safety of his own country, whilst French and British,
elate with repeated victory, hang with uncomfortable closeness on his
heels.

"In the matter of carefully planned advance and sudden withdrawal, we
have," said the MEMBER FOR SARK, "a parallel episode in our own military
history. You remember how 'the gallant Duke of YORK' on an expedition to
Flanders had 'twice ten thousand men,' how he 'marched them up to the
top of the hill And marched them down again'? The simple verse lends
itself with easy adaptability to present circumstances of our old friend
the EMPEROR WILLIAM: -

"The gallant plumed WILHELM
Had twice a million men;
He marched them up to Paris town
And marched them back again."

As in depressing circumstances of a fortnight ago the House betrayed no
sign of dejection or variation from resolve to see the fight out to a
finish, so to-day it does not present itself in mafficking mood. It is
nevertheless more than ever resolved, at whatever cost of blood or
treasure, to make an end of the throned KAISER and his system of
militarism, the curse of Europe these more than twenty years. Wherein it
is truly representative of the nation.

_Business done._ - PREMIER announces that Prorogation will be
accomplished before end of week, with incidental consequence of addition
to Statute Book under Parliament Act of Bills establishing Home Rule in
Ireland and disestablishing Church in Wales.

_Tuesday._ - A sitting of alarums and excursions, especially excursions.

PREMIER introduced Bill suspending for twelve months, or longer if War
lasts, operation of Home Rule Bill and Welsh Church Bill, which, in
accordance with Parliament Act, will on Prorogation be automatically
added to Statute Book. In speech which BONAR LAW described as "temperate
and moderate," he defended himself from charges of broken pledges
brought against him by gentlemen opposite.

"I shall endeavour to imitate him," said LEADER OF OPPOSITION.

Got along moderately well till, "resuming the offensive," as despatches
from the Seat of War have it, he lapsed into comparison between conduct
of PREMIER and the action of the KAISER in his "infamous proposal" that
this country should connive in breach of common pledge to preserve
neutrality of Belgium.

Here broke forth shouts of angry protest from Ministerialists. WINSTON,
who can't abear strong language, rose from Treasury Bench and stalked
forth behind the SPEAKER'S chair, example numerously followed above and
below Gangway.

This excursion number one. Number two, more exhaustive of audience,
followed when BONAR LAW, having concluded his speech, shook from off his
feet the dust of the House and walked out, accompanied by entire body of
Opposition.

Mr. FLAVIN, not liking to see Front Opposition Bench desolate, moved
down from accustomed seat in Irish quarter and temporarily assumed place
and attitude of LEADER OF OPPOSITION.

BYLES of Bradford proposed to offer a few words of counsel and farewell.
His interposition received with such shout of contumely from friends and
neighbours that he incontinently dropped back into his seat.

PREMIER observed walking towards glass door under the Gallery. Surely he
too was not going to leave us? No. Was merely acting in accordance with
immemorial custom that when Minister or Member "brings in" a Bill he
must start on his journey at the Bar. As he walked to the Table, a sheet
of foolscap paper in right hand, Liberals and Nationalists leapt to
their feet waving hats and handkerchiefs, cheering like madmen.

_Business done._ - Bill postponing operation of Home Rule and Welsh
Church Acts till close of War carried through all its stages.

_House of Lords, Thursday._ - SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR takes kindly to
new position. His statement to-day, explanatory of general military
situation, a model of lucidity and brevity. Had much of the charm of
FRENCH'S historic despatch, the modesty and simplicity of which
delighted everybody. One omission in the document KITCHENER generously
supplied. FRENCH said nothing of his own share in accomplishment of feat
of arms rarely paralleled. Amid cheers unusually warm for this Chamber,
KITCHENER paid tribute to "the consummate skill and calm courage of the
Commander-in-Chief."

Tribute also paid in another quarter, the more valuable as it came from
a man of few words and no disposition towards flattery. "The Territorial
Force is making great strides in efficiency," the WAR LORD said, "and
will before many months be ready to take a share in the campaign. This
force is proving its military value to the Empire by the willing
subordination of personal feelings to the public good in the acceptance
of whatever duty may be assigned to it in any portion of the Empire."

_Business done._ - Suspensory Bill agreed to without insistence on ST.
ALDWYN'S Amendment to Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill.

_House of Commons, Friday._ - Circulation of Official Report of
Commission of Inquiry into Atrocities in Belgium creates profound
sensation.

When the Manager of the Itinerant Theatrical Company of which _Nicholas
Nickleby_ and _Smike_ were for a time Members caused the insertion in a
local paper of a paragraph stating "Mr. Crummles is not a Prussian,"
there was some obscurity about his object. It is now clear that his
instinct was sure, his prevision acute. After experience of last seven
weeks all decent-minded men would like it to be known that they are not
Prussians.

_Business done._ - Parliament prorogued.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Admiral of the Atlantic_ (_to himself_). "IT IS MY
IMPERIAL PLEASURE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE ORDER OF THE MASTHEAD BROOM
(FIRST CLASS) IN RECOGNITION OF YOUR CONSPICUOUS SUCCESS IN SWEEPING THE
SEAS."

* * * * *

Illustration: _The Wolff._ "GOOD MORNING, MY DEAR LITTLE RED RIDING
HOOD. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU ONE OF MY PRETTY TALES?"

_Little Miss Holland._ "THANKS; BUT I'M _NOT_ LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD,
AND I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR FAIRY STORIES."

* * * * *

TO A NAVAL CADET

IN THE GRAND FLEET.

[_There are over 500 naval cadets, aged 15 to 17, at present in the
Fleet, serving as midshipmen._]

Young man, a little year ago
At Osborne (where the admirals grow)
I saw you fall on a mimic foe
With tackle and shove and thrust.
There by the jolly trim canteen,
Where the figure-head flaunts her golden sheen,
You fought, or cheered, for your Term fifteen,
As a fellow of mettle must ...
Yet now those deeds seem mighty small
You dared in the chase for a leather ball -
Now that you trip
On His Majesty's Ship
Playing the finest game of all!

A year ago, a naval fight
Was a tantalising dim delight
That fed your dreams on a Wednesday night,
When History prep. was through.
Yet yours was a Destiny strong and clear
That ever, unknown, was stalking near;
And now in a flash, it's here, it's here -
Now are your dreams come true!...
There are grey old admirals in our land
Who never have stood where now you stand,
Here on your feet
In His Majesty's Fleet -
_With a real live enemy hard at hand!_

* * * * *

Britannia to the French Generalissimo: -

"À l'honoré do nos deux nations
J'offre - cent mille félicitations!"

* * * * *

Illustration: THE EGOIST.

_Warlike Mistress._ "DON'T YOU THINK, JAMES, YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN LORD
KITCHENER'S ARMY?"

_Peaceful Footman._ "THANK YOU, MUM, BUT I DON'T SEE AS 'OW I'D BE
BETTERING MYSELF. WAR'S FOR THEM AS LIKES IT, WHICH I NEVER DID."

* * * * *

DOUBT.

The War has caused one thing (among others). It has filled me with an
infinite distrust of human testimony. Were I on a jury I should find
every one "Not guilty" now - unless, of course, the prisoner were foolish
enough to bring evidence on his own behalf. It is not the German Press
Bureau that has done this. It has maintained its customary high standard
with magnificent consistency.

My faith in human testimony has been shattered by Mactavish's uncle,
Bloomer's maiden aunt, and Wiggins' brother-in-law. I put on one side
the statement of Mirfin's grandmother because her allegation that 193
trains passed her house one night might have been based on the shunting
of a single goods train. One knows the fiendish persistency of the
shunted goods train at night.

But let me take the bald statement of Mactavish's uncle. He is a
baillie, an elder and a drysalter. He wrote to Mactavish: - "I regret
that the attendance at the Kirk on Sunday was most unsatisfactory. The
younger members of the congregation were all watching the disembarcation
of the Cossacks. I understand that the Established Kirk held no services
at all. I did not feel it consistent with a proper observance of the
Sabbath to go and watch them myself, so I only saw by chance, and not
intentionally, the six regiments which marched past my house."

What could be more conclusive than that?

The very next day Bloomer met me and produced a much-crossed letter from
his pocket. "Just read the last few lines," he said triumphantly.

I read with zest.

"Damsons are very cheap this year. I am jamming an extra quantity. Do
you think pots of jam could be safely sent to the chaplains at the
front? Kiss the dear baby for me. Excuse a longer letter, but I am quite
worn out with handing hot meat pies to the Russian troops passing
through here.

Ever your affectionate Aunt,

MILLICENT BLOOMER."

Not "meat pies," mark you, but "hot meat pies." Somehow that little
touch won my absolute belief.

Now we come to the solemn statement of Wiggins' brother-in-law. He is,
according to Wiggins, a patriot of the finest type - only prevented from
going to the front by the claims of business, a family of nine, and a
certain superfluity of adipose tissue. "When guarding a railway bridge
as a special constable a troop train stopped through an engine
breakdown. Numbers of finely built men in fur coats descended on to the
line. Two of them came to me and, making signs of thirst, said, 'Vodka,
vodka.' They embraced me warmly after I had offered them my
pocket-flask, and then, shouting 'Berlin,' rejoined the train."

I could quite believe that. Any brother-in-law of Wiggins would have a
pocket-flask.

Yet the Press Bureau solemnly asserts that no Russian troops have passed
through this country. I have now no faith in anyone's uncles, aunts nor
yet brothers-in-law. I believe nothing. Is there a KAISER? Is there a