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* * * * *

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 150

JUNE 14, 1916

* * * * *




CHARIVARIA.

The German IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR'S Reichstag speech with regard to the
Battle of Jutland was, according to _The Daily Mail_, delivered with
"an eye on Washington." Not GEORGE, of course.

* * *

According to the German official announcement, the sinking of the
_Lützow_ was concealed for "military reasons." It is only reasonable
to assume that other and larger prevarications concerning the North
Sea battle may be ascribed to "naval reasons."

* * *

A remarkable omission from the German account of the Naval battle off
Jutland is observed. There is no mention of the destruction of H.M.S.
_Blockade_.

* * *

According to the Croydon Public Library Committee, "readers are
turning to Thackeray, Dickens, George Eliot and Jane Austen for relief
from war worry." This authoritative statement will come as a great
shock to Mr. BALFOUR, who appears to have been under the impression
that WINSTON CHURCHILL was the popular author of the moment.

* * *

Under the heading, "Fish-shaped Zeppelin," _The Daily Mail_, quoting
the Zurich correspondent of the _Nieuwe Courant_, describes a monster
supposed to have been recently launched by the Germans, which fires
an aerial torpedo weighing 420 lbs. a distance of nine miles. We
ourselves would have preferred the heading, "Fish-shaped Story."

* * *

An A.B., fresh from the Naval fight, had read a statement in the Press
that the KAISER had given three Hochs! for his Navy. "Well, I don't
give a Dam for it!" said the British tar.

* * *

The President of the Republic of San Domingo has resigned, "to save
the State from armed American intervention." We fear that somebody has
been pulling the gentleman's leg.

* * *

_The Pall Mall Gazette_ on the Jumble Sale at the Caledonian Market:
"But there were bargains for everybody, whether it was an elephant or
a daintily bejewelled carrier, a Paris hat or a three-year-old, or a
motor-car, or an elephant." One of the lady helpers, discovering at
the last moment that she had a duplicate elephant, appears to have
brought it along just in time to catch our contemporary before it went
to press.

* * *

In connection with the occupation of Fort Rupel by the Bulgarians it
is announced that General SARRAIL is taking the "necessary steps." Yet
we cannot be blind to the fact that it would have been better to have
forestalled the enemy and taken the necessary front-door.

* * *

At a meeting of the Church Reading Union at Sion College, Sir FRANCIS
FOX, J.P., said that a boy who was arrested for setting fire to a
church had told him that he "had seen it on the cinematograph." This
statement has drawn a spirited protest from a number of our leading
film manufacturers, who point out that the thing could not possibly
have happened, as in all their dramas they have always made it a rule
never to burn anything less expensive than a cathedral.

* * *

An advertisement from _The Times:_ "Very stout gentleman, ineligible
Army, requires permanent engagement to act for Cinema. Had some
experience in comedy pictures; fatter than any other movey actor;
weight 22 stone; exceptional opportunity for British producers, but
willing go abroad." What about an exchange, on a weight basis, with
America, who might send us Sir HERBERT TREE and CHARLIE CHAPLIN?

* * *

At the Bow County Court a man who was questioned regarding his
occupation said that he was a tinsmith, a carrier, a job-buyer,
a milkman and a general dealer; that he was training about
120 carrier-pigeons for the Government and also did a bit of
prize-fighting. There the matter seems to have ended, but one cannot
help thinking that a really expert cross-examiner would not have let
him go without finding out what he did in his spare time.

* * *

Reports from all the agricultural districts refer in glowing terms to
the cheerful manner in which women workers on the farms are carrying
on their duties. We are, however, informed that in one district a
woman voluntary worker was heard to express the opinion that she
would be more keen upon her part of the work if the ground were not so
horribly far down.

* * *

The popularity of police passes is due to the fact that they can often
be kept and used as a testimonial to character. Thus a well-known
Irishman of county family, on applying for a pass to England, received
the following: "Mr. - - is known to all the police of the county, and
they consider him a fit man to leave Ireland."

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of
hospital)._ "SPEED UP, MAN - SPEED UP!"]

* * * * *

The Decline of Chivalry.

"The Minister for Lands, the Minister for Agriculture, and the
Under-Secretary for Agriculture paid a visit to the old Zoo
at Moore Park, and decided to adopt the suggestion that it be
utilised as a horticultural college for women students. It is
expected the animals will take up their new quarters by July
next." - _Australian Paper._

* * * * *

Headline to an account of German outrages in the Baltic: -

"HENS ANNOYING SWEDES."

_Rand Daily Mail._

This quite takes us back to the LLOYD GEORGE of the old days.

* * * * *

"SWEET maid (experienced) for restaurant."

_Scottish Paper._


We hope she knows her KINGSLEY: - "Be good, sweet maid."

* * * * *

A New Gas Attack?

"With whatever object, offensive or defensive, the German
General Staff is concentrating all EGGS SEVENPENCE EACH."

_Glasgow Evening Times._


* * * * *

"Kind Motherly Person wanted urgently to mind baby girl during
day; easy distance from Reservoir:." - _Auckland Star._

So, if the child becomes too troublesome - -

* * * * *

To the Memory

of

Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener.

BORN JUNE 24TH, 1850.

DIED ON SERVICE JUNE 5TH, 1916.

Soldier of England, you who served her well
And in that service, silent and apart,
Achieved a name that never lost its spell
Over your country's heart; -

Who saw your work accomplished ere at length
Shadows of evening fell, and creeping Time
Had bent your stature or resolved the strength
That kept its manhood's prime; -

Great was your life, and great the end you made,
As through the plunging seas that whelmed your head
Your spirit passed, unconquered, unafraid,
To join the gallant dead.

But not by death that spell could pass away
That fixed our gaze upon the far-off goal,
Who, by your magic, stand in arms to-day
A nation one and whole,

Now doubly pledged to bring your vision true
Of darkness vanquished and the dawn set free
In that full triumph which your faith foreknew
But might not live to see.

O. S.

* * * * *

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(_HERR VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and FRAU VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG._)

_She._ You are late again, Theobald. How often must I - -

_He._ Oh, please do not worry me, my dear Martha. After what I have
been forced to go through it is a wonder that I am here at all.

_She._ What - have you been seeing _him_ again? I thought he was away
with one of the armies and you would be having a holiday.

_He._ So did I think; but it was not to be. Holiday, indeed! When do I
ever get even a moment in which to think my own thoughts?

_She._ At any rate I hope he acknowledged what Germany owes to you.
Where would he have been, I wonder, if it had not been for your
constant devotion to his service throughout this terrible time? Does
he realise what that has meant for him and his?

_He._ Kaisers never realise anything. That's my experience of one of
them, at any rate. If you flatter them they smile on you and take all
the credit of your work. But I am not cut out of that sort of wood,
and the result is that he looks at me as if he had bitten into a lemon
by mistake. You know that look, don't you?

_She._ Yes, my poor Theobald, I know that look. It makes everything
black and uncomfortable. But if he is like that and does not consider
your feelings, why do you continue to serve him? You should assert
yourself, and if he does not improve you should send in your
resignation. After all there are better things in the world than to be
Chancellor to a man who does not appreciate your work.

_He._ Of course I have thought of that, but I have put the idea aside.
If I were to resign now it would only give joy to my enemies, and they
are the last people in the world to whom I wish to give joy. He
won't get rid of me just yet, for he finds me too useful as a
lightning-conductor. Still, I know that some day he'll give me a push
by sending me a letter condoling with me on the state of my health,
and then good-bye to the office of Chancellor.

_She._ And, for my part, Theobald, I hope that time will come soon,
though I shudder to think what will become of the country when you go.
However, we won't talk of that any more. Tell me rather what he has
been saying to you to-day.

_He._ Oh, to-day he was displeased with my speech in the Reichstag.

_She._ Displeased with that beautiful speech so sun-clear and
patriotic! Why, the man must be mad. Never in all my life have I read
anything so patriotic and convincing. What _does_ he complain of?

_He._ What does he not complain of? First, he is angry that I defend
myself against attacks made in an anonymous pamphlet.

_She._ Then I am sure he wrote it himself or inspired it.

_He._ I have not the evidence to prove that, but it is, of course,
possible. It would be just like him to play me a trick like that.
But what chiefly provoked his anger was what I said about the naval
battle.

_She._ Yes, I remember you said that England was not thereby defeated.
If you will pardon me, Theobald, I myself thought that this was a rash
statement.

_He._ So you're going to turn against me too, are you? It was a true
statement, whatever he or you may say. They lost ships, yes, and we
lost ships too, and we can afford to lose ships much less that the
English can. What is the use of pretending that we've won the War
and beaten down England because our sailors shot straight and fought
bravely? So did the English, and they've got more ships left than we
have, more's the pity.

_She._ But _he_ has made a glorification speech about it, hasn't he?

_He._ Yes, he has. In another day or two he will have worked himself
up to the point of believing that he commanded our ships in the
battle. I know him; but he needn't think _I_'m going to encourage him
in this laughable pretension.

_She._ Do not think about him any more, but go to bed and have a good
sleep.

_He._ I will try, but the telephone will ring, I am sure, and he will
command me to come and see him. (_The telephone rings._) There, I told
you so.

* * * * *

Is it true that the KAISER intends to confer upon Admiral VON SCHEER
the title of Baron von Sheer-off?

* * * * *

Our Classicists.

"Another relic was a torpedo propeller. 'It came from a German
submarine that got into an awkward place rather foolishly - but
de mortibus, and the rest of it.'" - _Provincial Paper._

Never mind about the rest of it. "De mortibus" is enough, thank you.

* * * * *

"Deep down in the ship I came across a strange sight. Some
twenty or thirty boys, seated at desks, were being taught
the mysteries of compound fractures by a petty
officer." - _Liverpool Daily Post._

As a preliminary to teaching the German Fleet the art of recurring
decimation?

* * * * *

"Private Willie - - has returned from France looking extremely
robust and well. He will, I understand, enter for a course of
instruction at Baal College, Oxford, before proceeding again
to the front." - _Irish Paper._

As this new foundation, originally intended no doubt for the German
Rhodes Scholars, has apparently been diverted to better use, the
authorities might now alter the name.

[Illustration: UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR.

_German Father._ "Can't we see our victorious fleet?"

_Official._ "No, you can't. Nobody can!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA.

THE SALONIKA SENTRY.

_Voice from the house._ "IF YOU KEEP YOUR FATHER OUT TOO LONG HE'LL BE
CATCHING ANOTHER NASTY COLD."]

* * * * *

ON THE SPY TRAIL.

The milkman told Jimmy that the KAISER was like a gambler who had
mortgaged his resources up to bursting point, and now with every tooth
drawn was chewing the bitter dregs of remorse to the bone. The milkman
says these things come to him whilst he is milking, and the reason is
that when he presses his head to the cow's side the heat of the cow
thaws the blood in his brain for a time.

He told Jimmy that he could make a speech with anybody when he had got
his brain like that, and that he thought of addressing meetings, but
that the cow would be uneasy on a public platform.

Then he looked round to see where Jimmy's bloodhound, Faithful, was.
You see Faithful sometimes makes the milkman's horse try to get into
the milk-cart and hide its head under the seat, you know, like an
ostrich in the dreary desert when it is pursued by its enemies. But
Faithful was chained up for the sake of the deaf-and-dumb woman who
comes round once a fortnight. The deaf-and-dumb woman has a blind
husband, who squeezes a concertina whilst she shakes some coppers in a
tin cup at you. Jimmy's mother always gives her sixpence.

Jimmy says bloodhounds don't like coppers jumping about in tin cups;
it makes them harbour resentment, and then you have to show people
where the piece came out of your dress. The milkman told Jimmy that he
had met the deaf-and-dumb woman that morning. She was all by herself
in one of his fields, practising "Where is my wandering boy to-night"
Her husband had enlisted, that was why, and she had sold the business.
Jimmy wanted to see the woman, but she never came past, so he went
down to the railway-station with Faithful to see if she were there.
But there was only a man with a parcel under his arm looking about for
a train.

Jimmy says that people often go to the station like that, just to see
if there is a train in it; they want to use up their return tickets,
Jimmy says. But there is only the porter to look at, Jimmy says. The
man seemed to think the porter was hiding the trains somewhere, and
asked him for a _Bradshaw_. Jimmy says the porter scratched his head
so hard that Jimmy thought he would get a splinter in his finger,
you know, like they tell you at school, and then he fetched the man a
bradawl. "Didn't he ask me for a gimlet and didn't I bring him one?"
the porter appealed to Jimmy.

Jimmy says the man was very rude to the porter; he said things you
have to be sorry about when you have time to think them over. Jimmy
says the man actually made the porter unlock the waiting-room door and
throw open the window, although the porter told him that he had a hen
sitting on some eggs there.

The man seemed very restless, Jimmy says, because he didn't stay long
in the waiting-room. You see Jimmy's bloodhound wanted to see what the
hen smelt like, and how it was getting on; but the hen was not quite
herself that day, and would keep on flying about the waiting-room at
Faithful, just to try and vex him.

Jimmy says Faithful did his best to get the hen to go back and be busy
sitting on eggs again, but she wouldn't listen to reason.

Jimmy says the man tried to throw the waiting-room at Faithful and the
hen, so Faithful came out through the window, until the furniture
had settled down. Bloodhounds are like that, Jimmy says, they avoid a
disturbance; Faithful is a very good avoider, Jimmy says.

Jimmy says he thinks one of eggs must have been addled, and come
undone in the excitement of the moment, by what the man said. He
didn't seem to like addled eggs much, Jimmy says, and he called
Faithful an animal.

There was a luggage train due, and Jimmy thought he would just see it
come in and then take Faithful away, when on looking round he saw that
his bloodhound had suddenly thrown himself on the Spy trail. He
kept sniffing at the parcel the man had placed on the seat, and then
sniffed hard at the man; after that he sat down and scratched himself
whilst he compared the sniffs. Jimmy says it is splendid to see a
prize bloodhound sifting evidence like that; Faithful is a very good
sifter, Jimmy says.

Jimmy says the man picked up the parcel and put it under his arm; you
could see he was anxious by the way he kept one foot drawn back at the
ready. But Jimmy knows all about parcels under people's arms; you do
it with a fishing-line, and it is a surprise to cure people when they
have got the hiccough.

What you have to do is to get the fishing-line ready, and when the
train comes in to the station you tie one end of the line to one of
the railway trucks, and then, if you are lucky, you manage to hook the
other end through the string of the parcel.

Jimmy says that when you see the parcel you are carrying suddenly jump
from under your arm and go bumping along after the train as it goes
out of the station, you forget to hiccough.

You can do it with buns in refreshment rooms or with the green baize
on bookstalls - it only depends on who has got the hiccough, Jimmy
says.

Jimmy says the man hadn't got the hiccough, but he was very surprised
to see his parcel start chasing the luggage train; it was because of
its activity, Jimmy says. Jimmy was on the bridge watching. Jimmy says
the parcel gave a squeak every time it bumped, and Faithful followed
the squeak all down the platform, and when the parcel burst he hurled
himself at it.

It was the blind man's concertina! and when Jimmy saw Faithful emerge
with the deaf-and-dumb label which the woman used to wear he ran for a
policeman as hard as he could.

The man wanted the policeman to take Jimmy in charge for destroying
his property, Jimmy says. He explained to the policeman about the
concertina; he said he had bought it from a woman who did not know its
value, and that it was a genuine "Strad."

Jimmy says the policeman might have let the man off if it hadn't been
for the porter. You see when the man's parcel was bumping along after
the train, the man opened his mouth so wide that some German words
fell out, and the porter had heard them. The porter knows German,
Jimmy says; he learned it before the War began from a German whose
luggage he had put into the wrong train.

When the German spy was searched it was found that he hadn't much
money, and the policeman said he must have bought the concertina and
label to try to get people to give him money and so work his way to
the coast.

It turned out afterwards that he had escaped from a concentrated camp,
Jimmy says. When Jimmy told the milkman about it, the milkman said
that it was "Ha, ha, one more feather plucked from the horde of German
rats that pollute the air with their diabolical designs."

He was just telling Jimmy that the KAISER was standing on the brink of
a deep abscess, when he heard Jimmy's bloodhound taking his horse home
to put it to bed, and this disturbed his flow of thought.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _The Mess Bore (innocent of small gunpowder plot)._
"DEPEND UPON IT, SIR, THERE'LL BE SOMETHING HAPPENING QUITE SOON NOW,
AND NEARER THAN WE THINK FOR."]

* * * * *

A testimonial: -

"I have much pleasure in recommending Mrs. D - - as a very
efficient masseuse after breaking my wrist."

It was the least she could do to put it right.

* * * * *

THE SUPER-LUTHERAN CHURCH.

[_The Tägliche Rundschau_ has published an article by Judge
VON ZASTROW, of Berlin, on the Future National Church. It is
to unite religion and love of the Fatherland; to reconcile
the Sermon on the Mount with war; to make room for Pietists,
Materialists, and Laodiceans; and to remove all sectional and
sectarian differences. In short, the Church will bathe itself
in "the new streams of German power, it will drink from the
water which will make our German Will strong and healthy for
battle. Our German piety, our German Christianity will assume
an heroic colouring, in place of the sentimental tone which
has hitherto characterised it."]

When the fighting is finally over,
And victory smiles on our land,
And we 're living in comfort and clover,
We must take our religion in hand;
We must make it heroic and German,
With "Fatherland-love" as its fount;
We must reconcile War with the Sermon
Once preached on the Mount.

'Twill embrace the disciples of HAECKEL'S
Monistic material creed,
The Mammonite worship of shekels,
The gospel of hunger and greed;
And the layman, so Laodicean,
No more his devotions will shirk,
But will kneel with the mild Manichean,
The amiable Turk.

In fine, there'll be nothing sectarian
In Germany's National Church;
And the pedants, Pelagian and Arian,
Will be knocked from their petulant perch;
All paltry divisions 'twill level
That tend to enfeeble the Hun,
And the worship of God and the Devil
Will merge into one.

* * * * *

"Miss - - has a sweet voice.... Perhaps her greatest appeal
was simplicity and an entire lack of effectiveness."

_"Journal," Meriden, Conn._


We have singers just like that in the old country, too.

* * * * *

"Lieutenant - - is reported wounded by the War
Office." - _Liverpool Daily Post._

He is not the only one who has been hurt by this agency.

* * * * *

"WANTED immediately for Boys' Industrial School (temporarily
and possibly permanently), an All-round Tanner." - _Natal
Mercury._

There is evidently a good deal of leathering to be done.

* * * * *

From JACK LONDON'S _A Son of the Sun_: -

"She had been hung up by one arm in the sun for two days and
nights."

Somewhere north of the Arctic Circle, we presume.

* * * * *

UNCHARTED SEAS.

He boarded the 'bus just as it was leaving Piccadilly Circus. "Full
ahtside," chanted the conductor, so the A.B. squeezed into a totally
inadequate space between a girl of sixteen and an elderly and
benevolent-looking lady. Squaring himself forward, he placed a hand
like a boxing-glove on either knee and glanced genially up and down
the 'bus. He was a large man, dark and hairy, and it was quite easy
to associate him with pigtails, tar and cutlasses. After the first
impression there came to one a sense of something odd and un-nautical.
Then one became suddenly aware that, instead of the regulation Navy
cap, he was wearing a rough woollen tam-o'-shanter, which hung coyly
over one ear.

A thin man in a top-hat was the first to notice it.

"Still pretty cold in the North Sea?" he ventured, with an eye upon
the tam-o'-shanter.

"So I've 'eard," the sailor replied guardedly; "but this 'ere," he
touched his headgear, "ain't an Arctic brow-mitten. I got this from
a friend, 'avin' lost me own little 'at jest after the second torpedo
was fired."

"Gracious!" ejaculated the elderly lady, and the occupants of the 'bus
became magnetised to attention.

"Now that's extremely interesting," exclaimed the thin man with a
nervous movement of his hand; "could you tell us the name of the
ship?"

"Can't say as I can, Sir," was the discouraging reply.

"Of course not, of course not," spluttered a testy old gentleman in
white spats; "a very injudicious question in a public conveyance." He
glared at the thin man with intention.

"Sort o' fancy name she 'ad," the sailor continued, quite unmoved by
this outburst; "fact she was a bit fancy all round."


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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 14, 1916 → online text (page 1 of 3)