Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, December 20, 1890 online

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seat, his comings and goings - especially his goings - would have been
more easily marked. Sitting midway down the Bench, amongst the ruck
of Members, he was not noticeable except when he wanted to be noticed.
Could slink in and out without attracting attention."

[Illustration: Not quite "O Keay!"]

Not for that reason, but from sheer modesty, JUSTIN MCCARTHY has taken
up almost identical position; Truculent TIM guards the corner seat,
where he can snap and snarl with fuller freedom. Fell upon Prince
ARTHUR to-night with fearsome ferocity. The Prince, having explained
his measure last week, when TIM and the rest were "deliberating"
in Committee Room No. 15, he presumed to think he needn't repeat
exercise, and so moved. Second Reading by dumb gesture. TIM on his
feet as if propelled from catapult. What! the Chief Secretary not
going to make a speech when the new Irish Party had mustered for
the first time in the history of a reeling and revolving universe?
Abominable Atrocious!! Contumeliously contemptuous!!!

TIM moved Adjournment of Debate; wanted to discuss merits of Bill on
this motion. Deputy-Speaker interfered on point of order. TIM must
speak or burst. If he withdrew his Motion for Adjournment, he might
get someone else to move rejection of Bill. Then his opportunity would
come. Eye fell on SEYMOUR KEAY, dressed in height of antique fashion,
reclining on Bench below him. KEAY always wanting to make speech. Not
invariably coherent, but that no consequence. He would be only too
glad to move rejection of Bill; then TIM would dive in and get off his

Change of tactics too rapid for KEAY to follow. TIM's motion
withdrawn; question put was, "that Bill be read Second Time." Now was
KEAY's cue to rise and move its rejection; but KEAY failed to grasp
situation; sat smiling with inane adulation at tip of his passionately
polished patent-leather shoe, over which lay the fawn-coloured "spat,"
like dun dawn rising over languid lustrous sea. Not a second to be
lost. Deputy-Chairman on his feet; if no Amendment were submitted,
he would declare Second Reading carried. TIM stooped down, and with
clenched fist smote KEAY between the shoulder-blades. KEAY, startled
out of pleased reverie, turned round with frightened glance, as he
beheld TIM blazing with righteous fury, glowering over him: paralysed
with fear; had heard alarming rumours of methods of Debate introduced
in Committee Room No. 15. This sudden assault from the rear evidently
one of them. Who could say what might not be its most natural

"I expected every moment would be my next," SEYMOUR KEAY said, later,
when, with still chattering teeth, he was describing the episode.

"Tut!" said TIM. "I was only asking you to get up and move that the
Land Department (Ireland) Bill be read a Second Time on that day six

While someone went for glass of water and smelling salts for SEYMOUR
KEAY, MAURICE HEALY moved rejection of Bill; Debate arose; TIM
storming round the topic with undiminished vigour. But no one would
rise to his tempestuous heights; Debate flittered out; Bill read
Second Time; House up by Seven o'Clock. _Business done._ - A lot.

[Illustration: "Au Revoir!"]

_Tuesday._ - Dreadful rumour when House met that TIM HEALY had ready
for delivery speech two hours long, on Prince ARTHUR in general,
and Irish Land Bill in particular. Turned out to be only TIM's fun.
Once or twice in course of brief proceedings he jumped up suddenly,
and shouted out, "Bah!" but only meant to frighten OLD MORALITY.
Momentarily had desired effect; soon clear that nothing serious meant.
Appointed Bills advanced through stipulated stages, and OLD MORALITY,
modest in mien, even after the triumph of matchless management
displayed in brief Session, moved Adjournment over Christmas holidays.

Conversation as to arrangement of business on reassembling; Truculent
TIM, coming to the front at least urgent opportunity, demanded that
Irish business should not be taken as first Order. OLD MORALITY
promptly gave desired pledge. Then MARJORIBANKS, who, to travesty
TREVELYAN's famous saying, Though a Whip, is a Scottish gentleman,
broke the long pause of eloquent silence cultivated in the Lobby;
protested against Scotch Members being placed in inconvenient
position, by being obliged to put in appearance on first day after
holidays. Welsh Members echoed plaint on their part. Why should Tithes
Bill be put down for first day?

Pretty to see OLD MORALITY's firm attitude, in face of this
demonstration. Had capitulated to Irish at first sound of TIM's low
voice; quite a different thing with inconsiderable people like the
Scotch or Welsh. Almost haughtily protested against possibility of
alteration. "Members," he said, vaguely remembering copy-book heading,
"are made for business, not business for Members." That settled it.
Motion for Adjournment carried; Young GOSSET, with his beaver up,
advanced to remove Mace, and House went off for Christmas holidays.

_Business done._ - Sittings adjourned till 22nd of January.

* * * * *

NOTE ON THE WESTMINSTER PLAY. - The notion of its being performed in
"The Dormitory" is delightful. None of the performers could possibly
be offended by the audience doing the right thing in the right place,
and going to sleep.

* * * * *




Well, I'm glad that _I_ was born
In the land the Sassenach scorn,
For its fondness for a first-class Phillaloo.
Faix! Home Rule's a purthy schame,
And on Thursday PARNELL came
To insthruct us how to floor the "Pathriot" crew.
I'd one Leader, that I swear,
Now there's siveral "in the air,"
And it sthrikes me I've a doubt which one is thrue;
But whin things are out of jint,
To decide the tickle pint,
Faith! there's nothing like a first-class Phillaloo!


Ye may talk about McCARTHY,
As a leader sane and hearthy,
For to lead the "Pathriot" parthy;
But ochone! and wirrasthrue!
It seems anything but aisy
(Ask DICK POWER and Misther DEASY)
To lead for long
A parthy strong
Widout a Phillaloo!

PARNELL wiped BODKIN's eye,
And of all his toype "made pie."
O'BRIEN telegraphed wid much surprise;
And brave DILLON "over there,"
Seemed disposed to tear his hair,
And TAY PAY inclined to pipe his pathriot eyes.
Said BODKIN, with alarm,
"This will do the paper harm,"
Said LEAMY, "I'm appointed to your place."
Thin on a float or dray
They the papers sint away,
And scatthered all the Staff, and closed the case.

_Chorus_. - Ye may talk of J. McCARTHY, &c.


Ooh, bhoys, there was the fun!
But the game was far from done.
_United Ireland_ did not _yet_ appear;
For whilst NAGLE had stepped out,
BODKIN came wid comrades stout,
And a hamper, which was packed with bottled beer.
PARNELL swore an awful oath
He'd have law agin 'em both,
And he came from KENNY's house in Rutland Square;
And he raised a Phillaloo
With the aid of followers true,
And replaced the valiant LEAMY in the chair.

_Chorus_. - Ye may talk of J. McCARTHY, &c.

To it feet and fists they wint,
As though foighting agin rint,
Says the Sassenach, "By golly, I'm perplext;
For when pathriots, don't ye see,
Foight like schoolboys on a spree,
Why, ye niver know what they'll be up to next.
There seems little to be said;
Let each break the other's head:
I'll mix no more in pathriot affairs.
Ere that paper shall appear,
Many an Oirish head and ear
Must be 'closed for alterations and repairs.'"

_Chorus_. - Ye may talk of J. McCARTHY, &c.

"If to help poor PAT you'd try,
Or would raise the Home Rule cry,
And change the Constitution - just for fun;
There's one thing ye've got to do, -
Just prepare for Phillaloo,
For the PATS will raise it - every mother's son.
It may be very fine,
PAT's no enemy of mine,
But, as I think, ye'll aisily suppose,
Whatever line we take
Peace is mighty hard to make,
When 'United Ireland' punches its own nose!"


Ye may talk about McCARTHY,
As a pathriot pure and hearthy,
For to lead the Home-Rule Parthy;
And to keep the Liberals thrue.
But it's anything but aisy
(Ask DICK POWER and Misther DEASY)
To rule the Pats
(Those fighting cats)
Widout a Phillaloo!

* * * * *




Having to describe the person and abode of the Poet PODGERS, I cannot
do better than jot down in my note-book what I know about those
objects on my road to the abode of genius - otherwise, 126, Bolingbroke
Square, South Belgravia. That useful work, _Men of the Time_, tells
me that the Poet was educated at Westminster and Christ Church - facts
that in themselves suggest a column of copy about Football at Vincent
Square, the mysteries of Seniors, Juniors, and Second Election, and
the glories and humours of Tom's Quad. Not much trouble about that.
So far, plain sailing. Bolingbroke Square, too, helps one along.
Historical reminiscences, Pimlico in time of Romans, ditto Normans,
ditto when ELIZABETH was Queen. All this can be worked up comfortably
and conveniently in the Reading Room of the British Museum. Then
the PODGERS' family history should give a good third. Father made
a fortune in blacking, so daresay he recollects his grandfather.
No doubt latter settled in London with the employment of junior
office-sweeper, and the capital of an eleemosynary half-crown. Need
not trouble about the Heraldic Visitations, or the coat and crest.
Keep those items for an interview characterised more by "blood"
than "brains." Suppose he has received presentation copies of works
of poetical rivals. This will give an opportunity for introducing
contemporary biographical sketches, varying from three lines to half a
column. Know his house, too - once occupied by a foreign fiddler, next
a Cabinet Minister, lastly, a successful artist, hints (if required)
for scenes on the Continent, in Parliament, and the Royal Academy.
Wife and children. Domestic scene - good for two-thirds. Wife playing
piano as the children spin their tops, or gambol with Collie dog.
There now, I think I have got enough material for the present. And
here we are at Bolingbroke Square, South Kensington.

What's this! PODGERS' servant says PODGERS declines to see literary
gents! He won't be interviewed!

Won't he! With my materials, soon arrange about _that_! After all,
seeing him was only an empty form!

Tell Cabman to drive back to my house - Butterfly Gardens. He doesn't
know it! On second thoughts, he says he supposes I mean "the place
that used to be called Grub Street?" Yes, I do!

* * * * *



MR. CLEMENT SCOTT, in his most useful column of theatrical information
in the _Daily Telegraph_, told us last Friday, that the Princess's
Theatre is now "heated by a new process," which must mean the
exceptionally warm reception given every evening to Mrs. LANGTRY as
_Cleopatra_. In this favourable sense of the phrase, "She gets it hot
all round," and the public assists in "making it warm" for _her_,
in return for _her_ making it warm for _them_. The more than CLEMENT
SCOTT writes of "extra rows of stalls," and of "money being turned
away on account of the success of _Antony and Cleopatra_." Bravo! "O
rare for _Antony_!" and O most rare for Egypt's fairest daughter! Of
course when the money is "turned away," more money is admitted. Great
thing for a theatre when all the boxes are money-boxes, and the pit a
gold-mine. Those who are allowed to enter will not complain of being
"let in," unless they object to being "let in for a good thing."

With its ballets and splendid _mise-en-scène_, and its splendid
"Missis-_en-scène_," too, "There would seem no reason," continues the
generous SCOTT, "why _Antony and Cleopatra_ should not be regarded as
what is euphemistically (a deuce of a word this) known as a 'Christmas
Piece.'" By all means. Be it so. Will the fair Manageress take the
hint, and announce a grand Transformation Scene for Boxing Night, with
the pantomimic cast thus distributed: - _Harlequin_, Colonel ANTONY
COGHLAN; _Columbine_, Mrs. CLEOPATRA LANGTRY; _Pantaloon_, Mr.
ENOBARBUS STIRLING; and _Clown_ - a real "Shakspearian Clown," by Mr.
EVERILL, who, in spite of his name, we hope will continue Ever-well,
and be able to indulge the public with the good old classic song,
"_Poma Calida_." Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT, at this inclement season, has hit
on a first-rate notion, of which, no doubt, Queen CLEOPATRA will avail
herself, if necessary.

* * * * *

A CHRISTMAS PAR. - At this season we must mention Crackers, that's the
truth - and we can't let 'em off, SPARAGNAPANE's Jewelled Crackers are
A1, and that's truth and no cracker. While on the subject of Crackers,
we are prepared for the question, What next? and are equally prepared
with the echoing reply "WARD next," - with his dainty confections in
artistic cards and booklets.

* * * * *

NOTICE. - Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, December 20, 1890 → online text (page 3 of 3)